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Search for S Korean fishermen ends

2010-12-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

Rescuers have abandoned the search for 17 fishermen lost after a South Korean trawler sank in waters off Antarctica, saying there is no hope they survived a tragedy.

Five crew died immediately after the the 614-tonne Number One Insung, with 42 trawlermen aboard, went down in the remote area on Monday in an accident the boat's owners said may have been caused by an iceberg.

Twenty fishermen were rescued by another South Korean vessel.

'Unforgiving environment'

There were initial hopes some of the missing crew may have scrambled onto a lifeboat but they were dashed when three South Korean trawlers searched overnight and found no sign of the men.

The missing could not have endured 30 hours in the Southern Ocean without proper immersion suits, Maritime New Zealand said.

"Survival times for crew members in the water would be very short," Dave Wilson, rescue co-ordinator, said.

"The medical advice is that those who did not suffer cardiac arrest on entering the water would likely be unconscious after one hour, and unable to be resuscitated after two hours."

"Unfortunately, the Southern Ocean is an extremely unforgiving environment ... sadly, it is exceedingly unlikely that anyone not picked up yesterday could have survived," Wilson said.

The trawler sank at 6:30am, local time, on Monday (1730 GMT on Sunday), going down so quickly that Maritime NZ said it did not send an SOS and crew members had no chance to do protective gear in the rush to escape.

A coastguard spokesman in the South Korean port of Busan, where the ship is based, said there were eight Koreans, eight Chinese, 11 Indonesians, 11 Vietnamese, three Filipinos and one Russian on board.

The nationalities of the dead are not known.

Freezing conditions

The accident took place 1,000 nautical miles north of the McMurdo Antarctic base and 1,500 nautical miles from New Zealand's southern tip.

The Number One Insung was built in Japan in 1979, according to the website of the Commission for the Conservation of Antarctic Marine Living Resources (CCAMLR), the global body overseeing fishing in Antarctic waters.

The boat was not believed to have been ice strengthened for Antarctic waters, although immediate confirmation of this was unavailable.

Another South Korean trawler, the Oyang 70, sank in the Southern Ocean in August this year, with the loss of six lives. A New Zealand ship picked up 45 survivors.

'White gold'

Inquiries into that accident are continuing and New Zealand's Transport Accident Investigation Commission said it was ready to assist any probe into the latest sinking if requested by the South Korean Maritime Safety Tribunal.

"Because it's a Korean-flagged vessel and it occurred in international waters, it's their lead," commission spokesman Peter Northcote told AFP.

The stricken trawler was fishing for Patagonian toothfish, a rare species that lives in waters so cold that Greenpeace says it has a form of anti-freeze in its blood.

The fish, marketed as Chilean sea bass, is popular in South America, the US and Japan and is often illegally caught.

Greenpeace, which says the Patagonian toothfish is known as "white gold" in the industry for its highly valued flesh, lists it as a species in danger of being unsustainable.
Source:
Agencies

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Rajapaksa 'linked to Tamil deaths'

2010-12-03T00:51:00.000-08:00

Another leaked US embassy cable released by whiste-blowing website WikiLeaks has added weight to calls for an independent inquiry into the final days of Sri Lanka's civil war.

US diplomats in Sri Lanka believe the country's president carries much of the responsbility for the mass deaths of ethnic Tamil civilians in the final days of the civil war.

According to the cable written by Patricia Butenis, the US ambassador, Mahinda Rajapaksa, his generals and family members are implicated.

The UN has said that at least 7,000 ethnic Tamil civilians were killed in the final months of fighting.

Butenis wrote in January that responsibility for many of the alleged crimes rests with the country's senior civilian and military leadership, including President [Rajapaksa] and his brothers and opposition candidate General Fonseka," she said, according to WikiLeaks.

Gotabaya Rajapakse, the president's brother, is defence secretary.

Former general Sarath Fonseka led the army's defeat of the Tamil Tigers but was arrested shortly after losing a presidential bid this year.

Rajapaksa has resisted external pressure for an international probe into allegations that both the rebel Tamil Tigers and the military committed war crimes during the conflict.

He has instead opted for an internal investigation, a move that was also questioned by Butenis.

According to the cable, Butenis, said that "there are no examples we know of a regime undertaking wholesale investigations of its own troops or senior officials for war crimes while that regime or government remained in power."

Further doubts

The document also shows Butenis questioning whether the Tamil Tiger fighters captured by government forces will receive a fair trial.

"The Government of Sri Lanka is holding thousands of mid- and lower-level ex-LTTE [Tamil Tiger] combatants for future rehabilitation and/or criminal prosecution. It is unclear whether any such prosecutions will meet international standards." she said.

Last year, the army killed the top Tamil Tiger leadership, during a nearly four-decade campaign in which they fought for a separate Tamil homeland.

The revelations coincide with Rajapaksa's visit to the United Kingdom. Noisy protests at London's Heathrow Airport greeted the Sri Lankan president when he arrived on Monday.

the Oxford Union, Britain's prestigious debating society,, has cancelled a speech he was due to give, citing security reasons, as Tamil activists were said to be planning a large demonstration outside the venue.
Source:
Agencies

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Amazon pulls plug on WikiLeaks

2010-12-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Amazon, the US internet company, has stopped allowing WikiLeaks to use its servers, forcing the whistle-blowing website to shift its services to Europe.

The move came after congressional staff had questioned Amazon about its relationship with the website, Joe Lieberman, an independent senator from Connecticut, said on Tuesday.

The site was unavailable for several hours before it moved back to its previous Swedish host, Bahnhof.

Just before Wikileaks released some 250,000 US diplomatic cables on Sunday, the website came under an internet-based attack that made it unavailable for hours at a time.

WikiLeaks reacted by moving the website from computers in Sweden to those of Amazon Web Services.

Political pressure

Amazon has vast banks of computers that can be rented on a self-service basis to meet surges in traffic.

But the move also exposed WikiLeaks to legal and political pressure.

"WikiLeaks servers at Amazon ousted. Free speech the land of the free--fine our $ are now spent to employ people in Europe," WikiLeaks said on Wednesday in a posting on the Twitter messaging service.

Amazon would not comment on its relationship with WikiLeaks.

"The company's decision to cut off WikiLeaks now is the right decision and should set the standard for other companies WikiLeaks is using to distribute its illegally seized material,'' Lieberman said in a statement.

He added that he would have further questions for Amazon about the affair.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama, the US president, has named an "anti-terrorism" expert to lead US efforts to mitigate the damage of the WikiLeaks breach and prevent future illegal data disclosures.

Russell Travers, deputy director of information sharing at the National Counter-Terrorism Centre, "will lead a comprehensive effort to identify and develop the structural reforms needed in light of the WikiLeaks breach," the White House said in a statement.

Damage control

Washington has been in damage control mode ever since last weekend when WikiLeaks began publicly disclosing about 250,000 US diplomatic cables, many of which revealed embarrassing assessments of foreign leaders.

While the White House was seeking to downplay the impact of the security violations as late as Wednesday, the Travers appointment was among the clearest signs that the Obama administration was taking substantive steps to avoid a repeat.

Among his new duties, Travers will be advising national security staff on "corrective actions, mitigation measures, and policy recommendations related to the breach," said the White House.

He will also co-ordinate inter-agency discussions on developing actions "regarding technological and/or policy changes to limit the likelihood of such a leak reoccurring".

Travers has been tasked with collating the stream of "terrorism-related" information pouring into US agencies since the attacks of September 11, 2001.

The Washington Post described him as "the maintainer of the government database of terrorist entities and a co-ordinator of terrorism information-sharing initiatives".

The National Counter-Terrorism Centre where he works was among several agencies blamed for failing to uncover an alleged plot to blow up a US airliner on Christmas Day last year.
Source:Agencies

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US regrets diplomatic cables leak

2010-11-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton, the US secretary of state, has said the United States "deeply regrets" the release by WikiLeaks of confidential US documents, calling it "an attack on the international community".

In her first public comments since the weekend release of the classified State Department cables, Clinton said on Monday that Wikileaks acted illegally in posting the material.

"I will not comment on or confirm what are alleged to be stolen State Department cables," Clinton said.

"But I can say that the United States deeply regrets the disclosure of any information that was intended to be confidential, including private discussions between counterparts or our diplomats' personal assessments and observations.

"I want to make clear that our official foreign policy is not set through these messages, but here in Washington," the top US diplomat added.

She said the Obama administration was "aggressively pursuing" those responsible for the leak.

Despite the damage, Clinton said she was "confident'' that US partnerships would withstand the challenges posed by revelations.

"Our policy is a matter of public record as reflected in our statements and our actions around the world.

"I would also add that to the American people and to our friends and partners, I want you to know that we are taking aggressive steps to hold responsible those who stole this information," she said.

Security tightened

The White House has directed US government agencies to tighten procedures for handling classified information after the mass leak.

The new procedures would ensure "that users do not have broader access than is necessary to do their jobs effectively," a directive from the Office of Management and Budget said on Monday.

"The recent irresponsible disclosure by WikiLeaks has resulted in significant damage to our national security," Jacob Lew, the director of the office, said.

"Any failure by agencies to safeguard classified information... is unacceptable and will not be tolerated."

WikiLeaks on Sunday began releasing a quarter of a million confidential US State Department cables, detailing diplomatic activities around the world in what the White House has called a "reckless and dangerous action."

US officials have not confirmed the source, but suspicion has fallen on Bradley Manning, a former army intelligence specialist arrested after the release of a video showing air strikes that killed reporters in Iraq.

Criminal probe

The US also launched a criminal investigation into the release of hundreds of thousands of US diplomatic documents by the website WikiLeaks.

Eric Holder, the US Attorney General, said on Monday that there is an "active and ongoing criminal investigation," and that the website's chief would be pursued if he were found to have broken the law.

"We are not in the position, as yet, to announce the result of that investigation," he said, adding that the justice and defence departments were both probing the website.

"This is not saber-rattling," Holder said when pressed by reporters over what action the US could take against WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who is believed to be based in Europe.

"To the extent that we can find anybody who was involved in the breaking of American law... they will be held responsible," Holder said.

"To the extent there are gaps in our laws, we will move to close those gaps. It is not the case that anybody at this point, because of their citizenship or their residency, is not a target or the subject of an investigation."

A day after the release of the cables, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, questioned the credibility of the information contained in the diplomatic memos.

According to the memos released on Sunday, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia repeatedly urged the US to attack Iran to destroy its nuclear programme to stop Tehran from developing a nuclear weapon.

'Psychological war game'

Commenting on the leak, Ahmadinejad accused the US government of pursuing a strategy resembling "an intelligence and psychological war game". He asserted it was aimed at having a "political impact," but would fail.

"Nations are aware. Such a game will have no effect. It's so worthless that it isn't worth someone referring to them or wasting time to refer to them," the president told reporters in Tehran.

He alleged the leaks were an "organised" effort by the US to stir trouble between Iran and its Arab neighbours.

Arab nations just across the Gulf are known to be wary of Iran's rising regional influence, military power and nuclear activity. The leaked documents, however, reveal a much higher degree of alarm in the calls for US military action.

The US has helped several Arab nations in the Gulf increase their anti-missile defences and itself has a naval presence in the region.

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israel's prime minister, said the leaked memos provided clear proof that the Arab world agreed with his country's assessment that Iran was the chief danger to the Middle East.

The Saudi king was just one of many Arab voices in the documents calling for tough action against Iran - proof that Israel was not alone in its belief that Tehran was a growing menace to the region, Netanyahu said.

"The chief danger to world peace comes from the Iranian regime's arming and aggression. The important thing is...that more countries, governments and leaders in the Middle East and in the world's wider area understand that this is the fundamental threat," the prime minister added.

He also suggested that a unified front with Arab nations against Iran could bring a "breakthrough" in efforts to bring peace to the region.

Israel has long considered Iran the top danger in the Middle East, citing its development of medium-range missiles capable of striking Israel, its support for militant groups such as Hezbollah and Hamas, and most critically, its suspect nuclear programme.

The West, and many Arab countries, believe that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. Iran denies the charge.

'Alpha dog'

Russian TV ignored mentions about the country in the leaks. That could be because the cables showed US diplomats characterising the country as a "virtual mafia state."

They also said Dmitry Medvedev, the Russian president, was relatively powerless in the shadow of Vladimir Putin, the prime minister.

The US embassy reportedly referred to Putin as an "alpha dog" who made all the decisions. It vividly added that Medvedev - who one dispatch said often looked indecisive and pale - simply "plays Robin to Putin's Batman."

Italian papers widely reported that the leaked documents included the comments that Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian prime minister "appears increasingly to be the mouthpiece of Putin" in Europe.

They said the documents noted that the two men had a "extraordinarily close relationship, made up of generous gifts and lucrative contracts".

Elizabeth Dribble, the former number two at the US embassy in Rome, described Berlusconi in internal memos to Washington as "incompetent and vain".

She noted that he was "a leader physically and politically weak, tired from too many parties".

Italians on the streets of Rome shrugged their shoulders and laughed over revelations about Berlusconi and their foreign minister said the prime minister was not offended.

James Walston, a political analyst from the American University of Rome, said that there was nothing in the comments on Berlusconi that would surprise anyone regularly reading Italian newspapers, although he added that it was embarrassing for a diplomat to be seen as un-diplomatic.

Walston said that although Berlusconi may be taking the leaks lightly it "undermines his position on the world stage".
Source:
Agencies

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2010-11-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

'15,000 rapes in war-torn DR Congo'
More than 15,000 rapes were committed last year in the strife-torn region of the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) where peacekeepers are unable to fully protect civilians, a senior United Nations official has said.

UN extends Haiti force mandate
The United Nations will keep it's peacekeeping force in Haiti for another year, following a unanimous vote in the Security Council on Thursday. The resolution approving the continued presence of nearly 9,000 soldiers and around 4,300 police officers called for "credible and legitimate" presidential and legislative elections, scheduled for November 28.

'15,000 rapes in war-torn DR Congo'

2010-10-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

More than 15,000 rapes were committed last year in the strife-torn region of the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) where peacekeepers are unable to fully protect civilians, a senior United Nations official has said.

With accusations now being made against DRC government troops over new cases of rape and killing in the volatile east of the country, Roger Meece, the head of the UN peacekeeping mission in Congo (Monusco), said "the scale of the problem is enormous".

Meece appeared before the UN security council on Friday, and despite being unable to give details of the new attacks, he said: "The best data available, for example, suggests that over 15,000 rapes were committed last year in eastern DRC."

'Horrific' mass rapes

Meece told the council that the "horrific'' mass rapes in late July and early August by rebel groups in eastern Congo's mineral-rich Walikale region underscored the importance of protecting civilians.

But he said after the briefing that it is impossible for 18,000 UN peacekeepers to protect all civilians in the area where armed groups are operating in an area larger than Afghanistan.

The UN force "cannot serve as the complete answer to the security problems of the east,'' Meece said.

Armed groups operate over a wide area and often mix with the civilian population, he added.

"In this vast area...it is not possible for Monusco to ensure full protection for all civilians. To approach this goal would require vastly greater force levels and resources," Meece said.

'Men in uniform'

Margot Wallstrom, the UN special envoy on sexual violence against women in conflict, told the council on Thursday that government troops are raping and killing women in remote villages in the Walikale region where hundreds of women were assaulted in July and August.

She said Monusco had reported new attacks by troops who are conducting an operation to enforce a government moratorium on illegal mining and in a bid to take control of the region from rebels.

"The possibility that the same communities that were brutalised in July and August by Rwandan Hutu rebels and Mai-Mai elements are now also suffering at the hands of the Congolese army is unimaginable and unacceptable," Wallstrom said.

She has already blamed the rebel Democratic Forces for the Liberation of Rwanda (FDLR) and Mai-Mai rebels for the mass rapes in July and August.

Meece said Congolese army operations are under way in the Walikale region, primarily directed against the Mai-Mai and the FDLR. But he said he did not know if government troops were involved in rapes.

The United Nations said 303 civilians - 235 women, 13 men, 52 girls and three boys were raped in 13 villages in the Walikale area from July 30 till August 2.

In response to the mass rapes, Meece said UN peacekeepers are establishing some new temporary operating bases in the Walikale region and are instituting other measures to improve communications with remote villages and respond more quickly to sexual attacks.

According to the UN Population Fund, there were 17,507 sexual violence attacks throughout Congo in 2009 - including more than 9,000 in North and South Kivu, which have been at the centre of the conflict in the east.

The scale of rapes and sexual violence has not diminished much this year, according to the fund, known as UNFPA, which collects data in Congo.

It said there were 7,685 attacks in Congo between January and June, including more than 4,500 in the Kivus.

Abubakar Dungus, a UNFPA spokesman, said 5,427 of the sexual attacks this year - about 70 per cent - were perpetrated "by men in uniform''. It was unclear if he was referring to soldiers or rebels.

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UN extends Haiti force mandate

2010-10-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

The United Nations will keep it's peacekeeping force in Haiti for another year, following a unanimous vote in the Security Council on Thursday.

The resolution approving the continued presence of nearly 9,000 soldiers and around 4,300 police officers called for "credible and legitimate" presidential and legislative elections, scheduled for November 28.

Rene Preval, who has served as Haiti's president for 10 of the past 15 years, cannot by law run for re-election, and the country remains in a perilous position nine months after a devestating earthquake killed around 300,000 people and left millions more homeless.

An investigation by the Associated Press news agency has determined that none of the $1.15bn in rebuilding funding promised by the United States has arrived. There have also been reports of a rise in drug trafficking and criminal gang activities.

The UN resolution passed on Thursday expressed concern with "the rise in the number of weapons in circulation" and condemned "grave violations against children affected by armed violence, as well as widespread rape and other sexual abuse of women and girls".

The post-election transition to a new government won't happen until next year, and the UN peacekeeping force's mandate was extended to October 15, 2011.

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Hungary sludge wall 'to collapse'

2010-10-09T04:14:00.000-07:00

The Hungarian prime minister has said the weakened northern wall of an aluminium sludge reservoir which caused a devastating toxic spill, is likely to collapse within hours.

Viktor Orban's comments on Saturday came as the village of Kolontar, which lies close to the deadly sludge spill in the country's west, was evacuated for fear of a new leak of the dangerous heavy metal waste.

"Last night the interior minister informed us that cracks have appeared on the northern wall of the reservoir, whose corner collapsed, which make it likely that the entire wall will collapse," Orban said in the western town of Ajka, the site of an alumina plant.

During his visit to the affected area, he also acknowledged that "human error" had caused the spill.

Authorities ordered the evacuation of Kolontar on Saturday morning at 7am local time after further damage was discovered at the reservoir that spilled toxic sludge on Monday, according to the national news agency, MTI.

Fears of new leak

Kolontar and Devecser were the towns hardest hit when up to 700,000 cubic metres of red sludge poured out of the reservoir at the alumina plant in Ajka.

Orban said about 500,000 cubic metres of red sludge could spill out of the reservoir, but this substance was thicker than the roughly one million cubic metres which swept through nearby villages this week, killing seven people and injuring around 150 others.

Reporting from Ajke on Saturday, said "authorities are measuring the density of the sludge, by dropping steel rods into the reservoir, in the hopes that it will give the disaster unit an idea of how much of this material is going to come pouring out".

On Saturday "all 800 residents of Kolontar were taken to a sports hall and two schools in Ajka, eight kilometres away, over fears of new leaks", she said.

"Officials insist that the decision was taken as a precautionary measure."

Many residents have suffered from burns and eye irritations caused by corrosive elements in the mud.

MAL Zrt, the company that owns the metals plant, said the waste was not considered hazardous under EU standards and recommended people clean off the sludge with water.

Tibor Dobson, the disaster unit chief, said no new waste has escaped from the huge container "so far".

Experts have been pouring large quantities of clay and acid into affected waterways in an effort to neutralise the alkaline pollutants.

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N Korea marks Communist founding

2010-10-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

North Korea has begun three days of celebrations to mark 65 years since the founding of the country's Communist Workers' Party.

For the first time, international media outlets, including Al Jazeera, are getting a rare glimpse inside the communist state - where the celebrations are to be broadcast live from the capital, Pyongyang, on Saturday.

But the festivities, which culminate in a large military parade in the capital on Sunday, are more than an event to mark the anniversary of communist rule.

North Korean officials are also expected to use the celebrations to confirm the historic handover of power from ailing leader Kim Jong-il to his son and heir apparent, Kim Jong-un.

Koreans 'honoured'

Yang Hyong Sop, a senior official in the country's ruling party, told the APTN broadcaster on Friday that North Koreans will be honoured to follow Kim Jong-un.

"Our people take pride in the fact that they are blessed with great leaders from generation to generation," Yang said.

"Our people are honoured to be led by the great president Kim Il Sung and the great general Kim Jong-il. Now we also have the honour of being led by General Kim Jong-un."

Kim Jong-il announced his youngest known son's appointment to two important political posts late last month, according to state media, in what was regarded as the first step in his succession plan.

The senior Kim came to power when his father died of heart failure in 1994, setting in motion the communist world's first hereditary transfer of power.

He was officially chosen as successor in 1972, when he was elected to the party's central committee, and the same scenario could hold true for his son.

Regional dynamics

The question of who will take over from the senior Kim, believed to suffer from a host of ailments, is important to regional dynamics as well as security, because of North Korea's active nuclear and missile programmes, and regular threats it makes against rival South Korea.

Kim Tae-young, South Korea's defence chief, said on Friday that the US and South Korea should be prepared for a crisis in North Korea when the senior Kim leaves power.

The expected transfer of power could have unpredictable consequences in the nation, he warned, during a news conference with his US counterpart, Robert Gates, at the Pentagon.

Gates, the US defence secretary, said it remains to be seen whether a change of leadership will lead to change in the country.

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Lady Khadijah … The Unsung Heroine

2009-12-24T20:40:00.006-08:00

Lady Khadijah is a woman who we have many fruitful lessons to learn from her life. There are different aspects of her character that each need a multi-volume book to write, let alone a small article.

Her life was rich with moral lessons from which today's husbands and wives irrespective of their race, faith and geographical locations are in dire need to adopt and embrace.

Her life before adopting Islam was also an exemplar to follow and her lifestyle was of that kind women in the 21st century ought to imitate.

Her upright character made the people of her clan call her at-Tahirah; an Arabic adjective meaning the 'chaste' or the 'pure'. Her morals as a widow were much more admired by the men of her clan, and her business was the talk of the town.

Admirable Businesswoman

Khadijah was a very wealthy lady, and all the men of her clan were keen to marry her.
Khadijah was a highly respectable business woman in her clan.

She was a very wealthy lady, and all the people of her clan were keen to marry her because of her family status and thriving business; a fact she was clever enough to realize, and hence she never succumbed to their material wishes.

In other words, she was wise enough to know her qualities and hence was better able to choose her suitable match away from any clannish pressure. Due to her inability as a single woman to travel long distances on her own in the desert trading in her properties, Khadijah used to hire men from her clan to trade in her business and to travel with her trading caravans to the Levant; purchasing and selling different commodities.

At that time, Muhammad (peace be upon him) was known for his honesty and truthfulness among the whole clan, and these good manners were the main reasons behind Khadijah's decision to hire him to trade in her business, and later on to choose him as a husband and a soul mate.

Indeed, the thriving business of lady Khadijah and her strategic planning in hiring the right man to trade in her business is an eternal lesson from which modern women ought to imitate in the course of their tired attempts in finding women champions from whose examples and rich experiences many lessons can be drawn.

The simplicity of Khadijah's example here is something that can not pass unnoticed not only by Muslim women but by non-Muslims as well.

It Began with Business and Ended up in Marriage

Khadijah offered Muhammad a job to trade in her business on her behalf. Muhammad, on his part, showed remarkable success in his new job because of the transparency he adopted in his trading job with the business lady, and his experience in the field as a tradesman who successfully led many business trips to the Levant.

In her business trips, Khajidah appointed Maysarah (one of her servants) as an assistant to Muhammad in his new job, and through talking to her servant, she was assured of Muhammad's transparency and honesty in handling her business.

It is no wonder after all to see Khadijah talking to her lady friend, Nafisah, about her interest in Muhammad. Nafisah went straight to the Prophet and implicitly mentioned lady Khadijah. The Prophet got so interested and decided to ask for her hand in marriage.

Now, the prestigious and high-born lady is offering herself in marriage after she became pretty sure that this person she is proposing to marry will never think of her as a rich businesswoman, but as a woman worthy of company and warm marriage relationship.

It is an aspect of Khadijah's character worthy of contemplation and remembrance. It is a moral lesson for both non-Muslims and new Muslims to learn from and adopt in their daily lives.

A very prestigious lady offering to marry a man who once used to trade in her business after she has tested his manners and character. What a moral lesson worthy of contemplation in today's life where marriages have turned into business deals and where real love is becoming rare.

Once she found her perfect match, Khadijah was not hesitant to offer herself and unfold her love in a dignified manner that, although was not quite common among her people, but still it was very respectable.

The happy couple, Muhammad and Khadijah, concluded the marriage ceremony and it has been narrated that Muhammad offered Khadijah a dowry worthy of her respectable status in that time. The happy couple moved forward until a turning point in their lives took place.

Indeed, Muhammad-Khadijah's marriage here is a telling example on its own of how far Islam empowers women to select their suitable matches while being free from any family pressure and worn-out traditions that in many times stand as stumbling blocks in the face of happy marriages.

Here, Khadijah chose her 'Mr. Right' on her own using sound criteria that although somewhat driven by human inclinations but yet has its undeniable and fair share of a marriage choice that is mainly based on reason and rationale.

Selecting her partner herself is an experience girls in 21st century can benefit from once they apply the same rules their head figure Khadijah once followed.

Khadijah: The First Female Muslim

Soon after getting married, Muhammad was ordered by God to carry out his duty as a Messenger to the whole of mankind.

It was in the Cave Hira' that he received the first revelation. It might be out of context to mention the minute details of how and when Muhammad received the revelation, but what matters here is how his beloved wife Khadijah comforted and reassured him when he returned home after he received the first divine revelation.

"God will never forsake you. You extend ties of kinship, say the truth, help the weak."

- Said Khadijah to Prophet Muhammad.
Trembling of awe as a result of the revelation he received, Muhammad returned home, and told his wife what happened. Hearing him, she comforted his soul with outstanding courage saying:

'By God, He will never forsake you. You extend ties of kinship, say the truth, help the weak, show generosity to guests, and strive hard to apply justice.'

We haven't witnessed a woman ever assuring her husband in the same way Khadijah did. She managed to reassure her husband in the right time and she instantly sought practical ways to achieve that by visiting her cousin Waraqah who had knowledge of the People of the Book.

Later on, Waraqah appeased Muhammad's heart that this experience he witnessed is shared only by Prophets and Messengers of God. It has been reported that Khadijah was the first to proclaim her Islam.

She embraced Islam with no introduction or even a brief inquiry about the new religion. The word hesitation finds no place in her dictionary after she had witnessed her husband granted the honor of divine revelation directly from God.

It is really rare to trace back how she became a Muslimah, but a great number of Muslim historians state that she was the first member from among both men and women to declare faith in Allah and His Messenger.

Others state that she was the first female to adopt Islam. This latter view is the most famous one and it is the one followed by the greatest majority of Muslims. Khadijah lived as a very loyal and supporting wife to her husband (i.e. Muhammad) for more than nine years after the beginning of the revelation. She supported the Islamic mission with her money and was a source of comfort for her husband.

She respected her husband's meditations before the revelations were sent to him, and later she supported him as a leader in his community.

It is through this attitude of Khadijah that modern women, irrespective of their faith, race, or location can draw fruitful lessons taking Khadijah's way of treatment to Muhammad as an exemplar.

Modern women, who at many times tend to start a perfect life may yearn to have a luxurious lifestyle and once they face the hardship of reality, they may fail to face the first test. Hence, learning from the heroine figure of Khadijah is necessary. She stood behind her husband in his stressful moments, shared his sorrow before his happiness, bore his burden before enjoying the moments of ease together.

Muhammad's Love to Khadijah

Khadijah's Islam alleviated Muhammad's suffering, and assured him the tranquility he was in need of at home. Khadijah played a great role in granting her husband the necessary courage he had to adopt in order to face both physical and psychological sufferings as a result of his divine mission.

It is a role today's modern wives ought to learn from Khadijah in order to help their husbands cope with modern challenges that threat the institution of family and threaten to target its very roots.

Muhammad remained loyal to Khadijah a long time after her death, and it has been reported that he called the year she died as the 'Year of Grief.'

He used to praise her a lot in the presence of his other wives to the extent that his wife 'Aishah said: "I have never felt jealous from any woman except Khadijah."

The Prophet used to mention her qualities a lot saying: "She (Khadijah) believed in me while others rejected my call. She affirmed my truthfulness when people called me a liar. She spent her wealth to lighten the burden of my sorrow when others had forsaken me." (At-Tirmidhi) Muhammad even continued to honor her friends a long time after her death as a sign of showing gratitude to her.

The Beloved Wife Passing Away

According to some Muslim historians, Khadijah died during the month of Ramadan before the year of Muhammad's emigration to Madinah on the 'Year of Grief.'

Muhammad was badly affected as a result of his wife's death and it has been reported that he said while seeing his beloved dying: "How heavy it is on myself to see such a scene."

He stayed many days in his home overwhelmed by sadness for the death of Khadijah, the loyal and obedient wife with whom he stayed twenty five years in love, dedication, patience, and commitment.

Finally, Khadijah's story of adopting Islam as a religion and as a way of life remains a new living story from which men and women will continue to have spiritual provision along the course of centuries.

Khadijah is a telling example by herself as a non-believing lady who lived by morals and principles, as a wife who stood by her husband in difficult times, as a believer who showed no hesitation to accept the truth, and as a supporter to her new belief with different forms of personal sacrifices. Her example is one worthy of contemplation and imitation by young women in our modern societies.

References

Al-Dhahabi, 'Uthman bin Ahmad bin Muhammad (d. 748 A.H), Siyar 'A'lam Al-Nubala', Mu'assasat al-Risalah, Beirut, 9th edition, 1413 A.H, p. 111.

Ajiri, ibn al-Hussein Muhammad Abi Bakr (d. 360 A.H), Al-Shari'ah, Dar al-Watan, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, 1999, 2nd edition, P. 2188, 2189 (Chapter Title: The Merits of Khadijah Mother of the Believers).

Al-Maqdisi, Tahir bin Mutahhir (d. 507 A.H), Al-Bad' Wa At-Tareekh, Maktabat al-Thaqafah al-'Arabiyyah, Egypt (Port Said City), Volume 5, p. 71.

Al-Nuwairi, 'Abdul-Wahhab Ahmad Shihabuddin (d. 733 A.H), Nihayat al-'Irab Fi Funun al-Adab, Dar al-Kutub al-'Ilmiyyah, Beirut, Lebanon, 1st edition, 2004, Volume 16, p. 197 (Chapter Title: Death of the Prophet's Wife Khadijah, may Allah be pleased with her).

Al-Salihi, Yusuf bin Muhammad (d. 942 A.H), Subul al-Huda Wa al-Rashad Fi Sirat Khayr al-'Ibad, Dar al-Kutub al-'Ilmiyyah, Beirut, 1st edition, 1414 A.H, Volume 2, p. 300.

Ibn Katheer, Ismael ibn 'Umar, Al-Bidayah Wa al-Nihayah, Maktabat al-Ma'arif, Beirut. P. 27, 28 (Chapter Title: The Early Companions to Adopt Islam)

El-Sayed Amin is currently a PhD candidate in Islamic studies at the University of Birmingham, UK. He is also a lecturer at the Islamic Studies Department in English at Al-AzharUniversity. Amin formerly worked as a Shari`ah editor at IslamOnline.net where he used to write articles on Islam and its relation to other religions. He can be reached at: EMA625@bham.ac.uk.

Just to Be With You

2009-12-24T20:40:00.005-08:00

The Prophet's Second Wife: Lady Sawdah

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) married Sawdah bint Zamah a short while after the death of his first and most beloved wife, Khadijah, with whom he shared a very happy 25 years of his blessed life.

Sawdah was a mature woman, around 40 years of age, and a mother of five children. This marriage gave Sawdah an uplift in her life, for she had been mourning her husband, Al-Sakran ibn Amr.

He had died soon after the couple had returned from Abyssinia, where a number of the Prophet's Companions had gone a few years earlier to establish a second base for Islam, away from the persecution in Makkah.

She was now married to God's Messenger, who was renowned for his fine character and compassion, in addition to the great qualities that fitted him to be the recipient of God's final message to mankind.

Scholars and writers about the Prophet and his character often explain his marriages in terms of different needs: some political, others social, and some even legislative. While such reasons were certainly present in many of his marriages, they are not the overriding reasons for any.

Each of his marriages expressed a desire to be united with the lady in question. In Sawdah's case, we read explanations that he wanted to compensate her for the loss of her husband.

The fact is that the Prophet needed a new wife after Khadijah had passed away, and the qualities he needed in his new wife were maturity, kindness, and being a believer in his message. Sawdah answered all these. She was the one to take care of his two unmarried daughters, Umm Kulthoom and Fatimah.

Dealing With Jealousy

We see some aspects of Sawdah's maturity in the fact that when other wives came into the Prophet's home and jealousies surfaced between them, leading to the emergence of two camps, Sawdah did not join either group. She remained loyal to her husband, giving him all that he needed of love and care.

Nor did she ever express, in word or gesture, any feeling of jealousy when she realized that the Prophet's heart leaned toward a particular one of his wives.

On the contrary, we see her rising to the sublime as she realized that the Prophet's heart favored Aishah above all others, but he had to maintain fairness between all his wives.

He would not allow himself to give Aishah an hour more than he would give every one of his other wives. Therefore, in her eagerness to please the Prophet, Sawdah made a gift of her nights to Aishah. This was a voluntary gift, motivated only by her desire to please her husband.

Thus, every time it was Sawdah's turn, the Prophet would visit her in the evening before going to spend the rest of the night at Aishah's place.

Sawdah's action speaks much about her character. She was a woman who loved to be kind to others, and enjoyed giving them what pleases them.

She wished to remain married to the Prophet and always be remembered by Muslims throughout the world as a "mother of all believers" as his wives earned this title.

At the same time, she wanted to give greater pleasure to her husband and the one whom he loved most among his wives. Hence, her gift that became a model for any woman who lovingly wishes to forego some of her rights in order to please her husband.

Sawdah died toward the end of the reign of the second Caliph, Umar ibn Al Khattab, about ten years after the Prophet had passed away.

Adil Salahi is the Executive Director of Al-Furqan Heritage Foundation. He teaches Islamic Studies at the Markfield Institute of Higher Education, Leicester, England. After working for the BBC Arabic Service for several years, he worked for the Arabic daily, al-Sharq al-Awsat. He continues to publish a column, "Islam in Perspective", in its sister publication, Arab News, an English daily published in Saudi Arabia. He has produced an English translation of several volumes of Sayyid Qutb's commentary, In the Shade of the Quran (Leicester, Islamic Foundation), as well as several other books on Islamic subjects.

Moments of Married Love… The Untold Story

2009-12-24T20:40:00.004-08:00

Prophet Muhammad & Lady Aishah

We all have a certain image of lovers, a star-crossed pair, love at first sight, living happily ever after…

Normally, we associate these ideas of love with couples who meet, date, and fall head over heels for each other. Very rarely do we relate these images to married couples.

Moreover, we almost never connect this perception to Muslim couples, who marry according to purely Islamic customs. Although this link is quite rare, there actually exists an example in Islam's own history, which not only depicts this kind of love but goes far beyond it.

This is the pure, married love between the Prophet Muhammad and his beloved, Lady Aishah.

The two came together in circumstances that are a stark contrast to today's conventional love story. He was a devoted Messenger of God, embarking on the third year of prophethood; she was the daughter of his best friend and companion, Abu Bakr.

Infusing Romance

The early years of their marriage began quite innocently. Although Aishah was a young bride, she was in the standard marriageable age that the Arabian culture approved of and encourages at that time.

The clear evidence is that Aishah had already been engaged to another man before her engagement to the Prophet.

Though Aishah was ready for marriage life, the Prophet preferred to grant her extra support in her transition to life as a married woman. She carried on with the many joys of childhood and fortunate for her, as she had a husband gentle and kind enough to understand this.

Rather than throwing all the responsibilities of a wife on her at once, the Prophet made the marriage and its duties a gradual process for Aishah and ensured that she made a smooth transition into her new life. The compassionate nature with which he nurtured Aishah in her early years as a wife made a tremendous impact on the strong woman she went on to become.

As the so called "honeymoon period" between the couple came to an end, many challenges and trying moments began to arise. In the midst of all the mayhem, this blessed couple still took time out for simple fun and laughter.

Aishah fondly recalls memories of racing with the Prophet and even winning the race when she was young and fit (Ibn Al Jawzy 68).

They enjoyed these races so much that the couple even raced to the Battle of Badr which was one of the most important battles in the Islamic history.

The romance in this marriage was not limited to just fun and games. As their marriage continued, intimacy was ultimately inter-woven in their daily affairs.

They would sit and eat together and Aishah would take a sip and then the Prophet would do so from the same spot her lips touched.

She would have some meat or chicken, and then he would eat from the same spot she ate from. This is just one of many ways they infused romance and affection in even the simplest of acts. These small gestures show that in this marriage, romance was not a superficial bouquet of roses. Rather, it was natural and existed in their everyday life.

Love has several expressions. However, it is known to all and sundry that for a woman, nothing expresses love like the words a man simply speaks from his heart.

The Prophet was most forthcoming in expressing his love for Aishah and this is evident in multiple sayings (hadith) in which he publicly declares that Aishah is the most beloved to him.

Such profound love he held for his wife that he referred to her as one with the complete qualities of a believing woman. This is a clear sign of the kind of respect he held for his wife.

This respect was possible because he actually put forth the time and effort in getting to know and understand his wife enough to recommend her as an example for other women to follow.

Brilliant Student & Great Teacher

A crucial dimension to their equation was the student-teacher relationship they shared. Aishah's enthusiastic and inquisitive nature made her one of the foremost students of the Prophet.

Sent as a teacher to mankind, the Prophet implemented this role most effectively in his very own home. The Islamic virtues and way of life Aishah learned and carried out were essentially through watching the Prophet and keenly observing his behavior and mannerisms.

He led by example and his beloved wife testifies to this in stating that the manners of the prophet were a living example of the Quran. (At-Tirmidhi)

Far from being meek and oppressed, Aishah was a woman of substance who was never afraid to stand up for truth and justice — whether that meant defending herself or her beloved husband. She participated in battles when she was able to and played whatever role she could in supporting the Prophet in his endeavors.

Surviving Hardships

Her quality of being content regardless of circumstances helped her overcome many challenges she faced as the Prophet's wife.

There was a time in the Prophet's home, when they had no fire or food for cooking and they simply lived off of dates and water. Yet Aishah went through this hardship and showed the mark of a true companion — one who can offer unrelenting support even under the most trying circumstances.

A truly dynamic woman, complete with the qualities of virtue, intelligence and even possessiveness over her husband — there was something quite distinct about Aishah which drew the Prophet so close to her.

Passing On Her Husband's Legacy

The Prophet and his beloved connected as soul mates, as he received divine revelations often when he was with her. The fact that God blessed and ordained this marriage is evident in that the Prophet confessed to Aishah that before marrying her, he saw her twice in his dreams.

Both times, Angel Gabriel carried her to him in a silk cloth and said to him, that Aishah would be his wife in this world and in the Hereafter (Al-Bukhari). Their blessed companionship came to a peaceful end after nine years, when the Prophet drew his last breath in Aishah's arms.

The Prophet's demise may have ended their companionship in this world. However, it did not put a stop to his mission nor did it end Aishah's role in carrying out her beloved's message.

It was after the Prophet's demise that one can truly see the divine purpose behind this marriage. Because she spent the most formative years of her life with the Prophet, she was able to learn and imbibe all of his teachings.

This became a tremendous asset after the Messenger passed away and was only possible because of Aishah's age. Upon his demise, Aishah's youth gave her the capacity to continue to preach Islam's message for the many years she lived thereafter.

Many companions of the Prophet and new followers of Islam would come to Lady Aishah for advice on various Islamic matters. Her contribution in relating numerous sayings of the Prophet and providing clarification on questions related to faith soon catapulted her to the status of a prominent Islamic scholar.

Aishah's role in this marriage was one that God destined in order to ensure that the teachings of Islam will be successfully transmitted to coming generations even after the Prophet passed away.

The love story between the Prophet Muhammad and Lady Aishah may not be what epic romances are made of, but it certainly provides a more realistic perception of how true love can be found within a marriage.

The sole purpose of marriage in Islam is to fulfill an individual's need for companionship and true love. Islam emphasizes and encourages this fulfillment but only within the bond of marriage.

The Prophet's marriage to Aishah shows that intimacy and romance is not necessarily limited to rosy-eyed young dating couples. This blessed couple exemplified that the true love and companionship we all seek, is entirely possible within marriage and moreover, within the Islamic way of life.

Today, this is a marriage which many may choose to slander or demean. Yet one needs only to take a look at the evidence Prophet Muhammad and Lady Aishah left behind, in the form of numerous sayings they related, which testify so dearly to the love and intimacy they shared.

The most famous love stories in this world are those that were a figment of someone's imagination. Yet this is a love which actually existed. It was a love created and destined by God himself.

Works Cited
Ibn AlJawzy, Gamal Aldin. Safwat Al Safwah Vol. I.
Ural, Ali. "AISHAH: Lover of the Beloved." Accessed 30 Mar. 2008.
Webb, Suhaib. Mothers of the Believers: Lives of the Wives of Prophet Muhammad.

Majida Islam Khan is Bangladeshi-American. She recently completed her Bachelor's degree in International Relations and now resides in the United Kingdom while pursuing volunteer work in the fields of Human Rights and Islamic Studies.She can be contacted at : mjkhan07@yahoo.com

When You Shine Through Tears

2009-12-24T20:40:00.003-08:00

Lady Umm Salamah

Umm Salamah, whose name was Hind bint Abu Umayyah ibn Al-Mugheerah, was a woman who combined beauty with character, noble birth and a wealth of experience. Her deceased husband was one of the early converts to the new faith when Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) began preaching his message in secret.

Both Umm Salamah and her husband, Abdullah ibn Abd Al-Asad, were among the very early Muslims. Her husband was a cousin of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). His mother was Arwa bint Abd Al-Muttalib, the Prophet's paternal aunt. Both husband and wife were in the first batch of Muslim immigrants to Abyssinia.

Being a woman of sagacious mind, she joined him in declaring her belief in Islam, realizing that idolatry is an absurdity, which defies human logic. Her father was a man who earned great honor in his own right.

He was given the nickname Zad Al-Rakb, which means the "provider for all travellers." When he went on a trip, he would not allow anyone who joined his caravan to take any food with him. He provided all the food necessary for them all. His generosity and hospitality was of the highest order.

It is well known that the Prophet first preached his message in secret for three years. When he later went public, he met very strong opposition. In the fifth year of his message, the Prophet advised a section of his followers to immigrate to Abyssinia.

All sources recording the events of the Prophet's life treat this immigration as one of weak and vulnerable elements fleeing from persecution. The fact that Abu Salamah and his wife were among the first to immigrate, and that most immigrants belonged to distinguished families who enjoyed influential positions in Makkah disproves this claim.

These were people who feared no physical or mental persecution. They could easily defend themselves and their clans were certain to come to their support. The immigration to Abyssinia had a different goal.

The Prophet wanted his Companions to leave Makkah and go to Abyssinia for two objectives. The first was reducing tension in Makkah, where the unbelievers began to view his new faith as a threat to their established way of life.

The second was to demonstrate the universal nature of Islam by establishing a new base for it in a totally different social environment. The immigrants returned at different times, some staying only a few months while those who were the last to return spent no less than 15 years in Abyssinia.

We cannot pinpoint a date when Umm Salamah and her husband returned from Abyssinia, but their stay did not last more than three or four years. Their first son, Salamah, was born there.

They returned in order to be with the Prophet supporting him in his struggle to make the divine message known to people and call on them to believe in God and accept Islam.

Yet the hostility of the people of Makkah grew more fierce and determined. They ridiculed the Prophet and his teachings. They suppressed the new faith; prevented travelers who visited Makkah from meeting the Prophet or listening to him; tortured the weaker elements in the Muslim community; brought various types of pressure to bear on Muslims of noble descent; imposed a social boycott of all those who lent tribal support to the Prophet and even plotted to kill him.

The Prophet, however, continued his efforts undeterred by the strong opposition he encountered.

Ultimately, the message of Islam began to find a new home in Yathrib, which was later to be known as Madinah. New recruits were won every day and almost every family in Madinah found one or more of its members declaring their belief in Islam.

Within two years, the Muslims of Madinah felt that they could no longer allow the Prophet and their brethren in Makkah to continue to face all that hostility.

Therefore, they invited them to come over to them where they would have the most welcoming reception. The Prophet accepted the pledge of total support given by the Muslims of Madinah, and he told his companions in Makkah to start their exodus.

The immigration of Umm Salamah and her husband took place, but her husband died shortly after it.

Such a woman would not stay unmarried for long. The fact that she had four children, one of them was still newly born, was no hindrance in the Arabian society, which accepted polygamy as normal.

Hence, when her waiting period of four months and ten days was over, a succession of suitors sent their proposals. These included Abu Bakr and Umar, but Umm Salamah politely and gently rejected them all. She had lost a husband of great character, whom she dearly loved.

She reports that her husband had told her of a hadith he heard the Prophet stating:

"Whoever meets a misfortune should resort to what God has ordered in such cases, saying, 'We all belong to God and to Him we all return. My Lord! Grant me support in my misfortune and compensate me with something better.'

"If he does so, God will certainly give him support and is sure to give him better compensation."

Continuing her report, she said: "When my husband died, I frequently said this prayer. Then I thought who could be better for me than Abu Salamah? Yet I hoped that God would give me support to bear my loss." (Muslim)

A different report mentions that before his death, her husband said this prayer: "My Lord! When I have died, give Umm Salamah a man who is better than me, who would take care of her and give her nothing to upset her or cause her grief."

When her husband died, she wondered who could be better than him.

Yet this is exactly what happened to Umm Salamah. After rejecting a succession of suitors, she received an offer of marriage no Muslim woman could refuse. It was the Prophet who wanted her to join his household as a new wife.

Recognizing the great honor such a marriage would give her, she was delighted. Yet at the same time she felt reluctant. She sent him word saying: "I am too jealous, and old, and I am mother of several children."

It was an answer that meant no refusal, but provided grounds for the Prophet not to proceed with his proposal. The Prophet sent her a kind reply saying: "God may take away your jealousy. As for your age, I am older than you. And you may entrust your children to God and His Messenger."

Who could take better care of any widow's children than God? Who could be a better stepfather than God's Messenger? Hence, the marriage was soon celebrated and Umm Salamah realized that God had compensated her with a husband who was much better than her first husband, great indeed as Abu Salamah was.

- This article was republished with the kind permission of arabnews.com

Adil Salahi is the Executive Director of Al-Furqan Heritage Foundation. He teaches Islamic Studies at the Markfield Institute of Higher Education, Leicester, England. After working for the BBC Arabic Service for several years, he worked for the Arabic daily, al-Sharq al-Awsat. He continues to publish a column, "Islam in Perspective", in its sister publication, Arab News, an English daily published in Saudi Arabia. He has produced an English translation of several volumes of Sayyid Qutb's commentary, In the Shade of the Quran (Leicester, Islamic Foundation), as well as several other books on Islamic subjects.

Setting Her Own Standards

2009-12-24T20:40:00.002-08:00

Lady Hafsah, Prophet Muhammad's wife

Ever since he embraced Islam, Umar ibn Al-Khattab was a most remarkable and dedicated advocate of the new faith. A man with clear and direct vision, Umar could always come up with sensible ideas to sort out difficult questions.

As a close companion of Prophet Muhammad, he always advocated direct action, reflecting strong commitment to the cause. The same sort of attitude could only be expected in his private life.

Umar's daughter, Hafsah, was married to Khunays ibn Hudhafah, who adopted Islam in its early years and was among those who immigrated to Abyssinia in response to the Prophet's advice.

After rejoining the Muslim community in Madinah, Khunays took part in the first two major battles the Muslims fought at Badr and Uhud. In the second of these, he was badly injured and died soon afterward, leaving behind his young wife, Hafsah, who was perhaps in her early twenties.

Looking at his daughter's misfortune, Umar thought that he should find her a good husband. He thought of his friend, Abu Bakr, as he knew him to be wise, caring and most dedicated to the Islamic cause.

The fact that Abu Bakr was ten years older than him was not a point of issue with Umar. He knew that Abu Bakr would take good care of Hafsah.

Therefore, Umar went to him and spoke about her and his concern for her wellbeing. Abu Bakr listened attentively, perhaps guessing Umar's drift. Umar, however, soon made his purpose clear, saying to his friend: "I will give you Hafsah in marriage if you wish to take her."

Perhaps Umar could not foresee that his proposal would not be met with ready acceptance. Yet Abu Bakr remained silent. To Umar, that was baffling. Therefore, the conversation ended and Umar left, feeling rather upset.

His daughter's future happiness remained his main preoccupation. Therefore, he went to Uthman, who had suffered the loss of his own wife around 18 months earlier.

When Umar suggested to him that he could marry Hafsah, Othman requested a few days to think it over. Othman then met Umar and told him that he did not wish to marry for the present.

Umar was very upset at this double rejection. He went to the Prophet, seeking the comfort of his company. The Prophet received him well, recognizing that he was upset. Umar soon poured out the reason, perhaps adding that it was rather humiliating to face such rejection.

The Prophet smiled and said to him: "Hafsah will marry someone better than Othman, and Othman will marry someone better than Hafsah."

These words took Umar by surprise. What? Who? Could it be true? Does the Prophet mean himself? Who else?

The Prophet soon put all these questions out of Umar's mind and said that he wanted Hafsah to be his wife. Umar was overjoyed and went to his daughter giving her the happiest news. She was to be the wife of none other than Prophet Muhammad.

Soon afterward, Abu Bakr and Othman made their positions clear. Both had heard the Prophet mentioning Hafsah and realized that he wanted to marry her. They could not speak out until the Prophet had made his intention clear to Umar.

Therefore, they would rather accept that Umar might feel upset at their lack of response, realizing that the matter would soon come to a very happy conclusion. Thus, the third of the Prophet's marriages after Khadijah took place.

After he adopted Islam and experienced the happiness provided to him by his close association with the Prophet (peace be upon him), nothing gave Umar ibn Al-Khattab greater pleasure than his daughter's marriage to the Prophet. This was beyond his wildest dreams.

Hence, he was always keen to ensure that the Prophet should find in Hafsah a wife that brought him comfort and happiness. He kept counseling her to do her duty to her husband and not to engage in anything that would displease him.

After all, she was married to the man God had chosen to deliver His last message to mankind and to provide, by word and action, a perfect model of Islamic refined manners and serious morality.

Young people, however, do not look at things in the same way as their elders. They may acknowledge that their parents have had more experience, but they tend to dismiss such experience as irrelevant to their own situation.

Hafsah, a young wife in her early twenties coming into a home where there were already two wives, appears to have tried to carve a strong position for herself.

One day Umar said something to his wife, but she objected to it. Brought up in the Makkan traditions of the time, he said to her: "How come you object to something that I say when it is none of your business?"

She said: "Why should I not object when the Prophet’s wives may object to him? In fact, any of them might sulk and the Prophet might remain upset all day."

Umar felt that was very serious. He feared that his daughter could do that when it was very unpleasant to any husband. Moreover, he loved the Prophet so much that he would try to remove anything that could displease him.

Therefore, he went to Hafsah and said to her: "Is it true that you might sulk all day long?"

When she acknowledged that, he admonished her with all the love and care a father feels when he realizes that his daughter was on a dangerous course. He said: "Daughter! I warn you against incurring God's punishment and the displeasure of His messenger."

Referring to Lady Aishah, he counseled her not to join her into action motivated by jealousy: "Do not be tempted by your mate who is proud of her beauty and the Prophet's love. You know that the Prophet does not have the same love for you. Had it not been for me, he might have divorced you."

Yet Hafsah had inherited a strong character. How could she miss out when she was Umar's daughter? She was ready to express her opinion, even in objection to the Prophet on a matter of religion.

The Prophet once said: "None of my companions who gave me their pledges under the tree will ever be in hell."

This was a reference to the Prophet's 1400 companions who tried to do the Umrah with him in Makkah, but the unbelievers tried to prevent their entry into the city.

The standoff threatened to culminate into a battle and the Prophet sought a pledge from his companions to fight until death. They all readily gave him that pledge when he was standing under a tree.

Shortly afterward, the Treaty of Hudaibiyah was signed between the two parties. In the Quran, God states clearly that He was pleased with those Companions of the Prophet.

When the Prophet said this, Hafsah said: "Yes, they will do."

The Prophet was displeased with her, but she recited the verse that says in reference to hell: {There is not one among you who shall not pass over it: This is, for your Lord, a decree that must be fulfilled} (Maryam 19:71).

The Prophet answered: "But God also said: 'But We shall save those who are God-fearing, and leave the wrongdoers there, on their knees'" (Maryam 19:72).

Hafsah was the only one among the Prophet's wives who was divorced by the Prophet (peace be upon him). There are several reports suggesting the reason for the divorce, but none of them carries much weight so as to be more probable.

It is perhaps better to say that the main reason was Hafsah's own character, while one or the other of these suggested reasons triggered the Prophet's action. She was a woman of strong character, bold and self-assured. When the Prophet divorced her, she was extremely sad.

However, it was her father who felt the divorce to be his own personal catastrophe. He threw dust over his own head and lamented: "Why will God care for Umar and his daughter now that she is divorced?"

However, the divorce did not last long. The angel Gabriel came to the Prophet with this order: "God commands you to take Hafsah back, as a kindness to Umar."

Another report suggests that Gabriel said: "God commands you to take Hafsah back, for she is a highly devoted servant of God and she is your wife in heaven."

Needless to say, the Prophet immediately carried out God's order and Hafsah was back as one of the Prophet's wives, the mothers of all believers, as Muslims refer to the Prophet's wives.

We should reflect a little on these two reports. The first tells us that God Almighty sent His angel with the command that the Prophet should take back his divorced wife in kindness to her father.

God knew that Umar would spend the rest of his life in sorrow, should the divorce be made permanent. He felt that the great love he felt toward the Prophet was cemented by this marriage. Now that the marital bond was severed, he felt lost, uncared for by God or His messenger. Hence, his lamentation.

The other report mentions the virtues of Hafsah and her dedication to the cause of Islam and continuous devotion. She was a woman worthy of being a wife of God's messenger and a mother of all believers. Hence Gabriel tells the Prophet that she will be among his wives in heaven.

The two reports are not mutually exclusive. In fact both could be true. The angel might have said both statements when he brought to the Prophet God's command to reinstate his marriage to Hafsah.

When the Prophet had several wives, mutual jealousy was inevitable. We need to remember that none of them thought that it was wrong for a man to marry more than one wife. Polygamy was the normal practice in Arabia and many other parts of the world.

Islam simply restricted it, allowing a man no more than four wives at the same time. The Prophet, however, had an exemption because of his special status and the needs of his message.

Adil Salahi is the Executive Director of Al-Furqan Heritage Foundation. He teaches Islamic Studies at the Markfield Institute of Higher Education, Leicester, England. After working for the BBC Arabic Service for several years, he worked for the Arabic daily, al-Sharq al-Awsat. He continues to publish a column, "Islam in Perspective", in its sister publication, Arab News, an English daily published in Saudi Arabia. He has produced an English translation of several volumes of Sayyid Qutb's commentary, In the Shade of the Quran (Leicester, Islamic Foundation), as well as several other books on Islamic subjects.

A Loyal Wife by All Means

2009-12-24T20:40:00.001-08:00

The Story of Umm Habibah, Prophet Muhammad's Wife

Umm Habibah was married to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) through the proxy of the Emperor of Abyssinia. She was the daughter of the chief of Makkah.

Her name was Ramlah bint Abi Sufyan. She was born 25 years before the Hijrah. Being the daughter of a prominent merchant and leader of her people, Umm Habibah enjoyed a very easy and comfortable life.

She — herself one of the few literate Arabs at the time — was married to a wealthy Makkan who was versed in the knowledge of major religions of his time. Despite the fierce resistance the Makkan polytheists showed to Islam and the fact that her own parents were among the arch enemies of Islam, Umm Habibah was one of the early converts to Islam.

Out of fear for his followers, Prophet Muhammad advised them to emigrate to Abyssinia on the Western Arabian side of the Red Sea that separated the Peninsula from Africa.

Umm Habibah was one of the emigrants along with her husband, Ubaidullah ibn Jahsh. To her misfortune the husband, for some reason or another, apostatized and took to drinking.

Thus, Umm Habibah had to suffer not only separation from her home and family at Makkah, but she also suffered alienation from a beloved husband. Yet, as a courageous Muslim, she bore all these difficulties with patience and perseverance, finding solace in the freedom she enjoyed along with the other emigrants in Abyssinia under the protection of Emperor Negus who was an open-minded Christian.

Parenthetically, we may add that according to Muslim historians the Emperor of Abyssinia (known today as Ethiopia) did convert at a later date to Islam in secrecy, out of admiration for Islam and its teachings, which explains why Prophet Muhammad asked the companions to pray for him upon his death.

During the year of truce between the Muslims and the Makkan polytheists, Prophet Muhammad, sent messages to the heads of the big powers of the time, Khosrau of Persia, the Byzantine emperor and the ruler of Abyssinia.

Along with the missive calling Negus to Islam, the Prophet asked him to act proxy for him in the marriage to Umm Habibah. For Prophet Muhammad realized the agony she was going through in that far and strange land.

The best consolation he could offer her was honoring her by marriage to him. Politically this was also a tactful act, because through marriage to Umm Habibah, the Prophet would be an in-law to Abu Sufyan, the leading antagonist of Islam, which would, help in softening his hostile attitude.

Thus, Umm Habibah was honored not only by being asked in marriage to the Prophet of Islam, but she was also honored by having the Emperor of Abyssinia himself proxy suitor.

Upon hearing of the proposal, Umm Habibah appointed a Companion to represent her and act as guardian. The emperor celebrated the occasion on behalf of the Prophet by giving a feast to the Muslim emigrants who attended the wedding.

It was sometime later that Umm Habibah managed to go to Madinah to her husband along with the other Muslim emigrants led by a cousin of the Prophet, Jafar ibn Abi Talib.

At the house of the Prophet, Umm Habibah faced another important test of her faith, when she came face to face with her father Abu Sufyan who was (as mentioned earlier) the leader of the enemies of Islam.

For, when some allies of Quraish broke the terms of the peace truce with Prophet Muhammad, with the implicit approval of the people of Quraish, Abu Sufyan hurried to Madinah to cover up for the treacherous act.

The first person that came to his mind was certainly his daughter Umm Habibah, since she was the wife of Prophet Muhammad. He hoped she would intercede for him with her husband.

Upon entering his daughter's room Abu Sufyan wanted to sit on the Prophet's mattress. Umm Habibah quickly folded the mattress. He was surprised and asked:

"Are you trying to keep me away from the mattress or keep the mattress away from me?"

Umm Habibah answered: "It is the mattress of the Messenger of God. You are a disbeliever and unclean. I did not want you to sit on the Messenger of God's mattress,"

He said: "By God, something has gone wrong with you."

She answered: "On the contrary, God has guided me to Islam. Father, you are the master and leader of Quraish. How can you sit on it as you have not joined Islam and are still worshipping useless stones?"

The mission proved a failure for Abu Sufyan. But for Umm Habibah, she passed another difficult test. She had to choose between loyalty to her faith and love for her father whom she had not seen for many long years. She chose to take sides with her faith.

Thus, when Umm Habibah died 44 years after the Hijrah, her memory keeps living in the minds and hearts of millions of Muslims.

An Empowered Woman for All Times

2009-12-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

Lady Safiyah, The Prophet's Wife

Today when we think of empowered women, what's the image we have in our minds: power suits, breaking the glass ceiling, raising children and building a lucrative career, both with equal finesse?

What are the key qualities that come to mind: knowledgeable and assertive perhaps?

After all, these are common qualities that all women today either possess or strive towards. But is it only women of today?

There is nothing wrong with the above picture. And even if not 100% accurate, it represents what many of us may define as today's empowered woman.

However, it is only part of the picture.

As hard as it may be to believe, such women are not solely the result of modern society and even existed way back in 14th century Arabia, in the time of the Prophet Muhammad and in the form of his wives, referred to by Muslims as the Mothers of the Believers.

Sure, in that time, they didn't come suited and booted ready to take on the world. But they did come fully clad in the attire the Quran instructed for them, and were ready to take on the Arabian Peninsula, in their own subtle but dynamic way.

Such is the story of Lady Safiyah, the ninth wife of Prophet Muhammad and daughter of Huyay ibn Akhtab and Barah bint Shamwal. (Ghadanfar 115)

A noble woman of Jewish lineage, she became a widow and subsequently, a prisoner of war during the Battle of Khaibar. Upon receiving a proposal of marriage from the Prophet Muhammad himself, she converted to Islam and began a new life with him at the age of seventeen. (Debas 130; Ghadanfar 118)

Like the women of today, Safiyah managed a wide array of roles in her lifetime and struck an amazing balance between each. She is an example for all women, as to how Islam and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, if imbibed properly, can be used fully to the advantage of womankind and become a tool for empowerment.

Spiritual Role

Lady Safiyah was extremely spiritual and spent most of her time reading the Quran, which Muslims believe to be the exact words of God, and memorizing many chapters of it. (Ghadanfar 120)

Her studies of the Quran were so intense that her eyes would fill with tears and she would weep (Ghadanfar 120). She recommended such an emotional reading of the Quran to all believers. (Webb)

The purity in her faith in God is evident in her own husband's testimony, in which he was quoted stating in defense of Lady Safiyah:

"She faithfully converted to Islam and became a good Muslim." (Debas 132)

Role as an Individual

As an individual, Lady Safiyah represented qualities which in today's times, could easily be defined as a fine example for women's empowerment. Most notable were her level of knowledge, well as her assertiveness, and how she used one to strengthen the other. (Webb)

The fact that Safiyah was especially knowledgeable in the area of Islam is evident from her avid reading of the Quran. However, in her case this is especially commendable because she did not limit herself to ritually reciting the verses of the Quran, but also made practical applications of them.

While she memorized chapters of the Quran and wept at its words and verses, she also used the Almighty's words as the very foundation for understanding and interpreting religion for practice in her daily life.

Moreover, it was this very sound knowledge base of Islam that gave her the confidence to be assertive in a number of areas in her life, whether it was to demand fair treatment, to defend her practice of Islam, own property, or even later, to participate in war and politics.

Her righteous nature was evident when Umar ibn Al-Khattab assigned twelve thousand dirhams (a currency of the time) to each wife of the Prophet as their share of the spoils received from recent Muslim conquests at the time. Every wife received the same amount, except for Lady Safiyah and Lady Juwayriyah, both of whom were given only six thousand dirhams.

Umar defended his decision, stating that the other wives received this amount because they had emigrated from Makkah to Madinah. However, both Safiyah and Juwayriyah objected to this and even refused to accept the money.

They countered Umar's argument and stated that the others received the standard amount because they were Prophet Muhammad's wives. Safiyah and Juwayriyah made it clear that because they shared equal status, they deserved equal treatment. Upon this assertion, Umar reversed his decision and allotted them the rightful amount. (Al-Hindi 5/594)

What's most impressive about this particular incident is that the Prophet himself was not even there to aid Safiyah in demanding her rights at this time, because this occurred after his death. However, her knowledge of Islam and her rights within it supported her in being assertive, and ensured that she received fair treatment, whether in the presence or absence of her beloved husband.

Often subjected to the eye of accusation due to her Jewish lineage, Lady Safiyah used her understanding of Islam to not only defend her faith in Allah (Arabic for God) when need be, but also to balance it with the rights of her heritage.

There was an incident when her maid went and told the Caliph Umar that even though Safiyah converted to Islam, she still observed the Saturday Sabbath, and kept good terms with the Jews. As a result, the Caliph questioned Safiyah regarding these accusations. (Ibn Hajar 7/741)

Again, based on her knowledge, she responded that after Allah told the Muslims about the sanctity and blessings of Friday, she stopped giving importance to Saturday.

She further added that indeed, she still maintained relations with the Jews who were her relatives and by doing so, she was simply following the command of Allah and his Messenger for maintaining good relations with family. (Ibn Hajar 7/741)

These examples highlight how Lady Safiyah made full use of the divine gift of knowledge. Not only did she actively seek knowledge of Islam, but she also applied it widely to all areas of her life.

This knowledge in turn, served as a fuel igniting her assertiveness. Therefore, whenever she demanded her rights or defended herself, she backed it up with solid evidence straight from the Quran and teachings of the final Messenger.

Role as a Wife

As a wife, she treated her marriage as a partnership, and was not afraid to confide in the Prophet Muhammad or seek his advice when necessary. Safiyah did not view seeking advice from her husband as submissive or a reflection of her weaknesses. Rather, she intelligently made use of the strengths he had, and drew upon them wherever relevant and necessary in her own life.

In fact, it was her ability to confide in him that gave her even more strength in dealing with criticisms of her Jewish lineage assertively. At a point in her life, when Safiyah felt the taunts were unbearable, she actually brought the issue to the Prophet's attention. (Webb)

Wiping her tears, he advised her, "Wouldn't it be better for you to say, 'How could they be better then I, when my father is Prophet Aaron, my uncle is Prophet Moses, and my husband is Prophet Muhammad'?" (Ibn Sa'd 8/128; Ibn Hajar 7/741)

His intelligent response gave a tremendous boost to Safiyah's abilities to handle such challenges boldly.

Despite the taunts or accusations she may have received, her heart was filled with pure undiluted love for the Prophet Muhammad and Allah. Moreover, the Prophet knew this very well and never even requested evidence of loyalty from her.

As a result, Safiyah's devotion to the Prophet's well-being continued up to his final moments of life. Seeing him in his deathbed, Safiyah cried out in anguish,

"Oh, Prophet of Allah, I surely wish that what you suffer from might be in me rather than you!"

Even when others remained skeptical of her remark, the Prophet defended her without any hesitation or doubt:

"By Allah, I know that Safiyah is loyal and truthful and she meant what she just said." (Ibn Sa'd 8/128; Ibn Hajar 7/741)

The fact that the Prophet was consistently able to testify of Safiyah's faithfulness, spoke volumes of her credibility as a wife. In today's times, women often have to convince or even coerce their husbands into taking their sides when it comes to controversial issues with in-laws or other third parties surrounding a marriage.

Yet for Safiyah, her husband continually rose to her defense, even without a request from her part to do so.

Her dignified and upright character was enough testimony that she not only believed in Allah and his Messenger, but personified her faith through her role as a dutiful wife to Prophet Muhammad.

Role in Society

Safiyah was also an active participant in the civil society of her time. An example of this is her participation in the political battles which began in the time of Caliph Uthman ibn Affan (Webb). Such was her involvement that in fact, she tried her best to stop the great sedition. (Debas 135)

A supporter of Uthman, Safiyah's efforts were not limited to only verbal statements. She was also ready to go out to defend him and prepared her mule for this purpose. Her efforts were unfortunately countered by opponents of Uthman.

Not one to be discouraged, she continued to support Uthman's besieged family as best she could. To this end, she built a bridge between her house and his, so she could provide his family with food and water while they suffered from the battles. (Ibn Sa'd 8/128)

Safiyah's role as a philanthropist in her society also branched out to her care for the poor, to whom she donated a house that she herself owned, prior to her death. (Debas 138)

Conclusion

To conclude the story of Lady Safiyah, she was a woman who was truly empowered. In her sixty years, she lived a full, thriving, and dynamic life. Indeed, from the age of seventeen, the primary identity attributed to her was that of Prophet Muhammad's wife.

Yet, by the will of God, the Prophet's support and her own sheer talent and tenacity, she did not merely live a life behind the curtains, so to speak.

Within the framework of Allah's word and her beloved husband's teachings, she was able to set a fine example of what women's empowerment really means. Safiyah struck a fine balance between all the different roles she was called to play — and in fact chose to play — in her lifetime.

Far from neglecting any of the essentials, Safiyah established a strong relationship with her Creator, nurtured a loving partnership with her husband, maintained healthy relations with her peers, family, and all those that surrounded her, and played an active role in her society.

Perhaps most importantly, she also ensured her own rights and cared for herself as an individual. Both assertive and diplomatic, Safiyah was multidimensional and truly a woman of substance for her time.

Clad in her traditional attire, armed with the knowledge of Islam, and fuelled with an assertive demeanor, Lady Safiyah's life and character demonstrate that while we have some undeniably successful and empowered women today, they are not merely a modern phenomenon.

Given today's context, perhaps we cannot entirely emulate the life and times of this beloved wife of the Prophet Muhammad, but we can certainly apply her exemplary principles of knowledge, assertiveness, and balance, to the modern lives we lead.

Works Cited

Al-Hindi, Ali-Uddin ibn Husamud-Din Al-Muttaqi. Kanz al-Ummal fi Sunan wal Aqwal wal Afwal.

Debas, Faridah Masood. The Wives of the Prophet Muhammad (Blessings and Peace be upon him). Riyadh: International Islamic Publishing House, 2006.

Ghadanfar, Mahmood Ahmad. Great Women of Islam: Who were given the Good News of Paradise. Riyadh: Darussalam, 2000.

Ibn Hajar Al-Asqalani. Al-Isaba fi Tamyiz al-Sahabah.

Ibn Sa'd, Muhammad ibn Sa'd ibn Mani' al-Baghdadi. Kitab At-Tabaqat Al-Kabir.

Webb, Suhaib. The Mothers of the Believers: Hadhrat Safiyah bint Huyy. Awakening Media Productions, 2006. (Audio Lecture Series).

Majida Islam Khan is Bangladeshi-American. She recently completed her Bachelor's degree in International Relations and now resides in the United Kingdom while pursuing volunteer work in the fields of Human Rights and Islamic Studies.She can be contacted at : mjkhan07@yahoo.com

Finding Comfort in Love

2009-12-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

When Muhammad (peace be upon him) reached twenty, a new stage in his life was starting. His noble birth, strong character and physical strength would surely have put him on the road to prosperity.

There are reports suggesting that in his old age Muhammad was endowed with exceptional strength. In his youth, he must have been full of vigor and ability.

Combining this with his well-known honesty and wisdom which belied his years in addition to his fine character, it was only to be expected that if he aspired to any material achievement in his society he would have been certain to achieve it.

Muhammad, however, continued to set for himself a high code of honor. The strength of his character and his keen sense of morality provided a balancing factor for his physical desire. He was able to control that desire with wisdom and spiritual strength.

Moreover, he was fast acquiring a reputation for meticulous honesty. Indeed, he was called by his society "Al-Ameen", which meant the "trustworthy and honest one".

Searching for Employment

Material gain did not seem to tempt him in any way. He did not despise wealth, nor did he seek any vain ideals. He only had a fine sense of proportion. He realized that wealth was not an end in itself. It was a means to a higher end.

Hence he approached the task of searching for a new occupation with seriousness and dignity. It as soon decided that he should try to find employment in trade and business.

Muhammad had no money of his own to establish a business, nor was Abu Talib, his uncle, a man of affluence to provide him with a good start.

The only option left for him, therefore, was to prove himself as an agent, trading on someone else's behalf. Apparently, he had no difficulty in securing such a position , because of his rapidly growing reputation for honesty and sound character.

It is not absolutely certain for whom Muhammad was working as agent in those early years.

A Business Arrangement

It is reasonable, however, to assume that it was Khadijah bint khuwaylid, a rich widow, who had the benefit of his valuable services. She was later to send him on a trade mission to Syria with a great quantity of goods. Probably she would not have done that without trying him first in the local markets.

He is reported to have said later that she was very kind employer. Every time he and his partner went to see her, she offered them something to eat.

Muhammad gained a great deal of experience in business in his early twenties. He was working on commission.

Khadijah, however, paid him more than she paid her other agents. She realized that she had working for her a man who combined honesty and integrity with a keen eye for business.

Her admiration for Muhammad was increasing all the time. She wanted to retain his services, and she felt that the only way to d that was to increase his income. He, however, shoed no sign of the greed normally shown by people in his position.

Khadijah, being a wealthy widow, received one marriage proposal after another. She realized, however, that it was her money that tempted her suitors. Hence she declined as many proposals as she received.

Her business association with Muhammad, however, made her recognize that there was a man for whom money was not the greatest priority. She began to think of him in a different light.

A Marriage Proposal

Khadijah was a woman of great intelligence and noble birth. She had a strong character and she like to act in any matter only after she had looked at it carefully from all angles.

Apparently, she consulted one or two of her trusted relatives, who praised Muhammad highly. One of those was Waraqah ibn Nawfal, an old uncle of hers, who recognized that Muhammad was destined to have a very important future.

Khadijah had long resolved that she would choose her future husband when she was absolutely certain of his character. Looking at her dealings with Muhammad, she felt that it was now up to her to take the next step.

Khadijah sent a close friend of hers, Nufaysah, to make an indirect approach to Muhammad. When she met him she said: "Muhammad, what is keeping you from getting married?"

He answered:" I do not have enough to meet the expense of my marriage."

She said:" What if you are not called upon to meet such expenses? What would you say to a woman of beauty, wealth and position who is willing to marry you? Would you marry her?"

He said: "Who is that woman?"

She answered: "Khadijah."

He asked: "Who can arrange such a marriage for me?"

She said: "Leave that to me."

His response was: "I will do it, willingly."

The First Marriage

When Khadijah was sure of Muhammad's reaction, she sent him a message asking him to come and see her. She said to him: "Cousin, (she used this term in the widest sense, since she was a very distant cousin of Muhammad. Their ancestry did not join until the fifth grandparent.) I admire you because of your good position among your people, your honesty and good manners, and because you are a man of your word."

She then made her proposal that they should get married. Muhammad was very pleased and went to inform his uncles, who were also very pleased with such a marriage.

Muhammad went with his uncles to meet Khadijah's uncle. Abu Talib, the Prophet's uncle, spoke on behalf of his nephew. He said:

"This nephew of mine, Muhammad ibn Abdullah, is without peers in his nobility of character and descent. If he is not wealthy, wealth is only something accidental. Money comes and goes, and many a wealthy man becomes poor. He will certainly have a great future. He is proposing marriage to your honorable daughter, Khadijah. He is giving her a dowry of such and such."

Khadijah's uncle did not hesitate to make his acceptance clear. The marriage was then concluded at a dowry of 20 young camels.

25 Happy Years

It was a happy marriage. Most biographers of the Prophet put his age at 25, saying that Khadijah was 40. Some reports suggest that the Prophet was nearer 30. Khadijah on the other hand, was reported to have been 35, or even 25. In view of the fact that she gave Muhammad six children, the report which allots her a younger age seems more accurate.

Abdullah ibn Abbas, the Prophet's cousin, who is considered to have been the most learned among the companions of the Prophet, states that she was 28 and not a day older.

Whatever their respective ages, Muhammad was to spend 25 happy years with Khadijah. The marriage gave Khadijah a man whom she could love, respect and trust. He was a most caring and loving husband who attended to his family duties with his customary seriousness. She gave him four daughters and two sons.

Although polygamy was the normal practice in Arabia, Muhammad did not have a second wife while Khadijah was alive. The marriage gave Muhammad a settled life, but the real benefit of marrying Khadijah was not fully apparent until after he began to receive his revelations and face opposition to his message from all quarters.

At that time, Khadijah's support was most valuable to Muhammad. She stood by his side, reassuring him and giving him all the comfort he needed. No matter how great his trouble when he called on his people to accept Islam, the moment he went home he was certain of a comforting welcome from his wife.

Long after her death, and when he had married several other wives, the Prophet continued to cherish Khadijah's memory.

Khadijah gave birth first to a boy who was named Al-Qasim. Four daughters then followed, named Zainab, Ruqayyah, Umm Kulthum and Fatimah. Abdullah was the last child to be born to Khadijah.

Al-Qasim lived only a few years while Abdullah died before it was time for him to be weaned. Ibrahim on the other hand, lived only 18 months.

All four daughters of the Prophet lived until after Islamic revelations started. They all accepted Islam. The first three, however, died in Madinah, while Fatimah was the only daughter of the Prophet to survive him. She died six months after his death.

Adil Salahi is the Executive Director of Al-Furqan Heritage Foundation. He teaches Islamic Studies at the Markfield Institute of Higher Education, Leicester, England. After working for the BBC Arabic Service for several years, he worked for the Arabic daily, al-Sharq al-Awsat. He continues to publish a column, "Islam in Perspective", in its sister publication, Arab News, an English daily published in Saudi Arabia. He has produced an English translation of several volumes of Sayyid Qutb's commentary, In the Shade of the Quran (Leicester, Islamic Foundation), as well as several other books on Islamic subjects.

A Blessed Child

2009-12-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

Al-Hasan ibn Ali (The Grandson of the Prophet)

Al-Hasan and Al-Husayn are two memorable names well known to everyone in the world of Islam. For they are no other than the children of the daughter of the Prophet, Fatimah and his dear cousin Ali ibn Abi Talib.

One night Ummul-Fadl, the wife of the Prophet's uncle Al-Abbas, saw in a dream that a part of the Prophet was in her house. She was worried. So she informed the Prophet about it. The Prophet smiled, and informed her that her dream meant that his daughter would have a son, and that Ummul-Fadl would feed him of her milk.

Ali ibn Abi Talib heard the news and he rushed to convey it to his wife Fatimah. And it was on the fifteenth of Ramadan of the third year after the Hijrah that Fatimah had her first child. As soon as the Prophet heard the news, he went to his daughter's house and asked for the baby in whose ears he recited the Adhan (call to Prayer) and Iqamah (call of readiness for Prayer). On the seventh day, the Prophet asked Ali ibn Abi Talib: "What name have you given the boy?"

"Harb," said Ali.

"No, but he is Al-Hasan (the good and good-looking)," said the Prophet.

At the Prophet's suggestion, a sheep was slaughtered and its meat was distributed in charity to the poor Al Hasan had the fortune of being brought up in the most blessed home in the lap of the Prophet (his grandfather) and Fatimah, the daughter of Prophet Muhammad(his mother) and Ali ibn Abi Talib the Prophet's cousin (his father). He opened his eyes to prayers and devotional activities going at home and in the Prophet's mosque at Madinah.

Since the residence of Ali ibn Abi Talib was adjacent to the Prophet's mosque and rooms, Al-Hasan was often raised (as a baby and child) in the mosque. The Prophet's affection for Al-Hasan was limitless. He was many a time heard saying, "O God, I love him. Please love him and love those who love him."

Through the Prophet's attitude and behavior towards Al-Hasan and his brother, Muslims find the Prophetic example in the treatment of children.

We are told that once, the Prophet was in prostration in Prayer when the little Al-Hasan mounted his back. The Prophet remained for quite a while in that position. When some of the Companions later expressed their worry, he informed them that the young child was happy riding his grandfather's back. The Prophet did not want to disturb him and deprive him of the pleasure. So he remained in prostration until Al-Hasan got down off his back.

The second instance occurred when once while the Prophet was delivering a sermon in the mosque, Al-Hasan came treading on the edge of his garment, falling down every now and then. The Prophet could not stand the sight. So he stopped his sermon, came down from the pulpit, carried Al-Hasan, and resumed the sermon.

Unfortunately, Al-Hasan could not enjoy the company of his loving grandfather for long, because the Prophet died when Al-Hasan was only eight years of age. Hardly six months passed when he was deprived of his mother as well. However, this fact does not mean that he did not learn anything from the Prophet.

For despite the death of Prophet Muhammad, during the childhood of Al-Hasan, he was constantly educated by the Prophet himself during his lifetime. Al-Hasan reports: "Once while as a small child I took a date from the dates of the charity. I put it in my mouth, but the Prophet took it out. When asked about the reason, he explained, "We the Household of Muhammad do not eat from charity."

It was from such lessons that Al-Hasan learnt self-respect and all the exemplar qualities he was well-known for.

In his youth, Al-Hasan was sent along with his younger brother Al-Husayn to defend Caliph Uthman ibn Affan when the Caliph was attacked by a group of rebels.

A little later, Al-Hasan had to witness the death of the fourth righteous Caliph, his own father, who was assassinated in Iraq. The Iraqis elected Al-Hasan as a successor to his father, but when he realized that his acceptance of the Caliphate meant war between the two Muslim camps, his and that of Muawiya ibn Abi Sufyan, he refused it saying: "I would not like to be Caliph while a drop of blood is shed because of it."

Al-Hasan's piety is best illustrated in the fact that he insisted on travelling on foot not less than ten times to Makkah for the purpose of pilgrimage.

Al-Hasan died in Madinah in the year 49 or 50 after Hijrah, and was buried in the cemetery of Madinah.

Torn Between Two Loves

2009-12-24T20:32:00.002-08:00

The Story of Zainab, the Prophet's Eldest Daughter

Zainab was the eldest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

Eldest, and by default, a role-model, Zainab's story of loving, losing and loving again was probably the most painful yet most endearing of the four sisters.

As a young Arab woman, she was married to a wealthy man from Shams, a tribe of Quraish.

However, as Islam came to Makkah, little did the family realize that Zainab's marriage had to be terminated, having to choose her beloved father over her husband.

Her tale is an emotional one, embalmed in tears — both sad and happy.

The Division of Makkah

When Prophet Muhammad received his first revelation, Zainab was already married to a kind and loving husband. His name was Abul-Aas ibn Rabi. Upon learning of her father's appointment as the last Prophet, Zainab along with her mother Khadijah, and her sisters Ruqayyah, Umm Kulthum and Fatimah were the first women and young girls who embraced Islam.

It frightened the Prophet's immediate family that he would incur a pressing amount of hatred from many enemies of Islam. Yet the five of them banded together, along with their male counterparts such as Ali ibn Abi Talib and Zaid ibn Haritha, who made up the first handful of Muslims.

Chaos erupted in the months that followed, as more and more of the poor and oppressed turned to Prophet Muhammad for protection. Islam was something new to them and extremely appealing. They were granted rights and complete freedom from those who overworked and tortured them.

Their reversion in silence was suddenly shattered when the Prophet received revelation to announce to Makkah that there was only one God worthy of worship, and he, Prophet Muhammad, was the final Messenger.

Families began to divide. Brothers lost brothers to this new alien faith. Parents lost children; and some children lost their parents. Husbands and wives disagreed and fought. Family heads were appalled at changes in religious beliefs of their son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. Many were expelled from the family home.

Amongst them were Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum. It is unclear as to whether the girls were already married or merely betrothed to the sons of Abu Lahab, but they were flung back into the arms of Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah upon the news of their reversion. The couple was relieved; the last thing they wanted for their daughters was for them to have an ardent enemy as a father-in-law.

Then, there was Zainab. In the clamor of confusion and a strong resistance to acceptance of Islam by the heavyweights of the Quraish, Zainab and Abul-Aas marriage remained intact. It definitely was not a smooth sailing journey for the young couple. The leaders of the Shamsite clan began to crack-down on their kinsman. Divorce, they screamed at him, she was contaminated with a mental disorder and a disgrace to the tribe.

Yet amidst the pressure and insult that fell upon Abul-Aas and his wife, they remained married amongst the controversies that surrounded their union. He remained "tolerant," as many scholars described a handful of the Prophet's family members who did not follow his footsteps to Islam.

Yet, tolerance was a feeble excuse for the proud pagan Arabs – tolerance did not exist – especially in a society that had suddenly been condemned by a man named Muhammad, who previously to his submission to One God, had been trusted by his community.

They would never be tolerant to this misfit, who asked them to abandon their statues and granted women equal privileges as men. The men promised Abul-Aas the wedding of his choice to the bride of his choice – the most beautiful, richest, well-connected virgin of Makkah – as long as he terminated his marriage to Zainab, the eldest daughter of the misfit named Muhammad.

The criticisms and pressure fell on deaf ears. He loved his wife and his mother-in-law, Khadijah, who was also his aunt. He also loved Prophet Muhammad, and would not severe ties with his family. In all adversities that surrounded them, Abul-Aas remained married to Zainab.

Alone in the Masses

The chaos was just the beginning. Passing years witnessed more and more influential persons venturing to the Kabah to pray behind Prophet Muhammad, Abu Jahl, Abu Lahab and their comrades decided it was time to eradicate this nuisance of a following, once and for all.

They boycotted the followers of Islam from engaging in any contracts with their non-Muslim tribes. For three years the early Muslims lost their wealth to the non-Muslims as they were unable to trade. Their health deteriorated as they were unable to purchase sustenance. They became outcasts of society, traitors to the proud pagan way.

It must have been difficult for Zainab, alone in the masses, a Muslim still amongst non-Muslims, still in love with her husband. He still remained tolerant but unaccepting of this strange faith; but she had been removed from her doting parents, her siblings and other important companions who remained close to her heart. By the time the ban was over, there was little time for Zainab to rejoice. Her mother passed away, and so did her grand uncle, Abu Talib, one of the few tolerant non-Muslims.

Just over a year later, the Muslims emigrated to Madinah, to start the first civilization known to mankind. Zainab was alone again – within the sea of non-believers – married to a man who did not share her love for Islam.

A Message for Zainab

The Battle of Badr marked the first fair battle between the Muslims and non-Muslims as the former sought to reclaim their possessions that had been confiscated during the boycott. It must have been horrendous for Zainab knowing that one army was being led by her father with a heavy burden upon him to protect the rights of his followers and that her husband stood by the enemy lines.

Sources narrate that there were tears in the Muslims' eyes as they fought against their brothers, cousins, uncles, neighbors, friends and former colleagues. It must have been no less teary for Zainab.

The outcome of Badr was also bittersweet for her. When her husband did not return from the battlefield, she knew he was being held captive by the Muslims, and her father was alive and safe.

Back in Madinah, Prophet Muhammad was collecting blood money for the captives. One by one he freed the captives as the blood money trickled in. When it came to Abul-Aas' package, the Prophet paled, as attached to the money was an onyx necklace – one that belonged to Khadijah. The Prophet remembered the day she had given it to Zainab, when he had given her away in marriage to the man who was awaiting for his freedom.

He ordered for the money and the necklace to be returned to his estranged daughter, along with her husband. However, he spoke gently with Abul-Aas, to free Zainab from her marriage, as by then, a revelation directed that she could no longer be married to a non-Muslim man.

Her departure was heartbreaking. She left to live her life as a Muslim without barriers, but Abul-Aas was still using Islam as a barrier for their relationship. He was still unable to forsake the beliefs of his fore-fathers.

As she left for Madinah, the men of the Abd Shams tribe became outraged that a woman of their clan was being transported to the Muslims. They had barely recovered from the vile defeat in Badr.

They mobilized a small troop to stop her from moving back to her family. A man called Habbar galloped viciously and pointed in front of her carriage brandishing a spear upon Zainab and her young daughter Umamah. Her brother-in-law, by the name of Kinanah – who was her escort - reasoned with the men and turned the carriage to head back to Makkah before anyone was hurt. Some say Zainab fell from her camel, others say she was so frightened at Habbar's threat. Either way, many believed she miscarried a child that was blossoming within her - a memory of her marriage to her husband.

The Family Reunion

Kinanah later transported Zainab and Umamah by night where they safely arrived at Madinah to be reunited with her family. By then, her sister Ruqayyah had died, but she still had father and her youngest two siblings. She also had Umamah.

Zainab was finally able to live her life as a liberated Muslim, attending prayers with her family and working towards the betterment of a progressive society.

During her time at Madinah, she also experienced a perilous siege upon the Muslim community. The people of Makkah were back to attack the Muslims in Madinah. Her father along with his consultative panel strategized to play on the defensive, digging a trench around the vulnerable border of Madinah. "The Battle of the Trench," as it was called, marked a disfavourable turning point for the army from Makkah.

After approximately two weeks of attempts to attack, the Quraish failed miserably to penetrate Madinah, but the siege was not over. A Jewish tribe living within Madinah had allied with the foreign influence and was prepared to attack the Muslims from within. By the grace of Allah, Prophet Muhammad and his men were able to intercept the attacks.

From then on, the Arabs of Makkah had lost all integrity as a nation; they even lost credibility in their trades – which was their livelihood all this while.

The Second Reunion

Months followed and the Muslims were instructed to sabotage trade caravans from Makkah that were travelling past Madinah. A caravan returning from Syria was captured by Zaid, one of the Prophet's companions. The merchandise and employees were brought to Madinah.

However, one man, amongst a few, escaped.

He made his way carefully to Madinah in the middle of the night, and by some miracle he knocked on the right door. Zainab let him in. In all of his despair, he knew he could trust her.

He told her that he was troubled by the confiscation of many goods that were held in his trust as a result from barter trades in Syria. The people of Makkah trusted him and he needed to return the goods to their purchasers. He also feared for his safety.

Zainab left quietly for dawn prayers with her family members. She stood amongst the female congregation, in the front row, with her sisters and the Mothers of Believers (the Prophet's wives). As she saw her father with a congregation of men, Zainab waited for a moment of silence and cried out with all her heart, "O people, I give protection to Abul-Aas, the son of Rabi."

Concerned by her situation, her father hurried over to Zainab. She repeated her message to the Prophet and he calmly reminded her "Receive him with all honour, but let him not come to you as a husband, for you are not his by law." He then turned to his followers and beseeched them to have mercy upon his former son-in-law who was also his late wife's nephew. He was still a relative.

All of the merchandise that fell under Abul-Aas purview was returned to him, in hopes he would embrace Islam. When asked whether he would join them as a brother in faith and acquire the goods that he possessed, he answered, "It were a bad beginning to my Islam, that I should betray my trust."

After returning the goods to Makkah, Abul-Aas made his way back to Madinah and embraced Islam. The Prophet reinstated his marriage to Zainab. It was one of the happiest days of his family and the city of Makkah rejoiced at their reunion.

Love Lives On

Zainab died not long after she was reunited with her husband, but her love stretches beyond her lifetime. Women today face all sorts of dilemmas and atrocities with respects to their families, marriages, statuses, careers and personal lives; those who have faith pull through.

Zainab, the daughter of Prophet Muhammad, persevered through the most horrific mental torture that her marriage could endure during the advent of Islam. She watched her family suffer as they were marginalized from society.

She was abandoned several times, forcing herself to live amongst non-Muslims who despised her father. She feared her father's life as she did for her husband's on several occasions and sometimes at the same time.

There were times when her own life was threatened and her divorce took a toll on her mental and physical self. She was torn between two loves time and time again; yet she chose each time – and chose wisely – one man above the other man, both whom she loved dearly.

The driving force behind Zainab's steadfastness could only be one thing – her faith – her undying love for the one religion that saved her life on many occasions, her father's life and her husband's life – it was the choice of Islam.

Maria Zain is predominantly a Business Writer but enjoys various writing genres including Muslim Lifestlye, Muslim Management and Leadership, Islamic Finance, Interior Decoration and Parenting. Her work has been published in multiple international publications that focus on da'wa work in one way or another. Maria is a Malaysian writer, with a short career in banking to her name, courtesy of her degree in Finance. She was brought up in Europe but currently resides in Malaysia with her husband and two small children.

A Woman of Perfection - The Youngest Daughter of the Prophet

2009-12-24T20:32:00.001-08:00

A woman in today's society is not free from scrutiny about how she meant to dress, behave, or appear in public.

The public eye falls on every woman who strolls within its purview and its perception is often one that is rigid and judgmental.

Physical beauty essentially becomes the talk of the season, every season, as the definition of physical beauty changes like the clouds.

One season, beautiful women are those who are skinny with a certain haircut — maybe one that is straight — so the trend follows: women of all ages begin to "diet" into the prescribed form of beauty and cough up their savings for rebonding hair treatments.

The next season's color of beauty is sandy dust and pointed shoes to elongate the legs. The trend then forces women to adhere to the "norm" by scouring beauty stores for sandy dust hair dye and shoe stores for pointy shoes.

Physical beauty is a never-ending debate. Face lifts, new diets, clothes, and more clothes and cosmetics represent lucrative industries where the perception of beauty changes and alters and is ultimately forced upon women who fall prey to this form of material perfection.

Islam has other ideas, though. It prescribes hijab for Muslim women to protect themselves from this shallow definition of perfection. With the use of this Muslim dress code, women are no longer required to follow trends of the season.

Women are allowed in their homes and to their spouses to make their eyes look bigger, their eyelashes longer, to color their toenails and they are even "allowed" to be a little overweight.

Physical beauty in Islam is guarded through the sanctity of marriage where spouses are described as being "garments" for each other.

The perfect woman is therefore defined differently in Islam. Though a woman may still be physically attractive to her husband, her public image is a different one, where her inner beauty plays a far more prominent role in her appearance and behavior.

The Women of Perfection

The four perfect women recognized by Islam are well known by Muslims. They are: the Virgin Mary, the mother of Prophet Jesus, Asya, the wife of Pharaoh, Lady Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife, and Lady Fatimah, the youngest daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

Fatimah the daughter of Prophet Muhammad, in particular, was a young girl during the time Islam was introduced. So from her youth — as a daughter, later a wife and a mother — the perfection of a Muslim as defined by Islam surfaces through Lady Fatimah.

Lady Fatimah is described to be one of the great women in Islam. She played an important role in her father's mission, thus is recognized as the perfect role model for women. The below verse describes the sanctity of the Prophet's household, including Lady Fatima.

[And stay quietly in your houses, and make not a dazzling display, like that of the former times of ignorance; and establish regular Prayer, and give regular Charity; and obey Allah and His Messenger. And Allah only wishes to remove all abomination from you, ye members of the Family, and to make you pure and spotless.] (Al-Azhab 33:33)

In many reports, she was barely five when Prophet Muhammad received his first revelation at Mount Hira'. As a child, she had witnessed gross calamities inflicted upon her parents and even at times she fell victim to the taunts of the Quraish.

Unlike some children today who have to deal with playground bullying or peer pressure, Lady Fatima endured physical, mental and spiritual pain as she watched her father being humiliated by the pagan Arabs as they labeled him as being "mentally insane."

One story even relays a scene at the Kabah where one of the Prophet's opponents discarded rubbish on Prophet Muhammad's head while he was prostrating to God.

With a teary eye and a wrenched heart, the young Fatimah cleaned her father as he pacified his favorite daughter by telling her that he could endure personal insults, as long as they were not directed towards Islam.

Maybe it was through Lady Fatimah's endurance throughout her childhood that Prophet Muhammad held her in high regard throughout his lifetime.

When she was older, and even married, she would nurse her father through to recovery when he was injured during war.

It was reported that on occasions where food was scarce, he would visit his daughter first to ensure that she had enough sustenance, before tending to his own needs.

Similarly, Lady Fatimah would visit her father if he were in need, without regretting any sacrifices she would make for him.

Also, when Lady Fatima entered a room that was occupied by Prophet Muhammad, he would immediately rise to greet her, kiss her forehead, and offer her his vacated seat. She would return the gesture when their roles were reversed.

Her marriage to Ali ibn Abi Talib, the Prophet's cousin, was a happy one. The wedding is often described as one of the most lavish weddings in Madinah. It was sponsored by her father, as Ali was a poor man.

In fact, Lady Fatimah was the only one of Prophet Muhammad's daughters who did not marry a rich merchant. Prophet Muhammad encouraged the union, knowing very well that Ali was a pious Muslim and one that would look after his youngest daughter until death parted them.

Lady Fatimah braced married life bravely and worked to help her husband to provide for their family. Besides the grueling conditions that she worked in, she was also a mother to two baby boys the older is named Hassan and the younger is Hussein.

She was a loving daughter, loyal wife, and doting mother. She persisted through the hardship that burdened her throughout her life, without even a whimper. How many women today are able to do that without being swayed by the latest fashion statements?

Raising Fatimahs

Contemporary culture often talks about the physical appearance of a woman, one that has to be inherently attractive. But Muslims, and Muslim women in particular, learn that inner beauty outweighs beauty on the outside. This has been portrayed by pious Muslim women who observe the Muslim dress code and adhere to good Muslim behavior.

They are those who provide for the needy, relieve the burdens of their husbands, raise their children as believers, love their parents, and strive for personal improvement, whether it is through their careers, interests, or hobbies. Every act of a good Muslim is done for the sake of Allah.

Are Muslim daughters today growing up to be remotely close in demonstrating Lady Fatimah's demeanor and faith? Fatimah was exposed to violence and oppression at a young age and she blossomed into becoming one of the most pious Muslims in the history of Islam, and is recognized by Allah as one of the perfect Muslim women.

It does not mean that young Muslim daughters today have to be exposed to violence and oppression the way Prophet Muhammad and his family had been to flourish into becoming believing women.

But the overwhelming levels of materialism that is inherent in today's culture, especially the shallow definition of perfection, dampens hopes that young Muslim women today will prescribe to Lady Fatimah's formula in striving for perfection.

Perfection that Lasts

There is only one Fatimah, the one and only Lady Fatimah.

To Fatimah the Prophet Muhammad said: "Thou art the highest of the women of the people of Paradise, excepting only the Virgin Mary, daughter of Imran," (Lings, 1983).

It is difficult for women not to be swayed by the idea of contemporary perfection. The media bullies women into thinking that without a certain asset, accessory, or cosmetic case, they will fade into becoming bland individuals for being less attractive and less perfect.

Imagine striving for perfection amidst fashion faux-pas and the latest cosmetic discoveries.

Now imagine striving to socialize with Lady Fatimah in Paradise. Imagine mingling with her amongst other believers who withdrew from the pressures of contemporary perfection.

The reminder of Lady Fatimah as a perfect Muslim woman is one to lean on, whether a Muslim woman is a daughter, wife or mother. Regardless of personal interests, hobbies, networks, social circles, or career prospects, a woman's duty – like that of a Muslim man's - is towards Allah and his covenants.

The shallow world of materialism has no place in the hearts of believing Muslim women.

Maria Zain is predominantly a Business Writer but enjoys various writing genres including Muslim Lifestlye, Muslim Management and Leadership, Islamic Finance, Interior Decoration and Parenting. Her work has been published in multiple international publications that focus on da'wa work in one way or another. Maria is a Malaysian writer, with a short career in banking to her name, courtesy of her degree in Finance. She was brought up in Europe but currently resides in Malaysia with her husband and two small children.

Dying Young - The Prophet's Middle Daughters

2009-12-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

There is a chant in Muslim Malay kindergartens inMalaysia that translates roughly into:

"There are seven of our Prophet's children:

Three little boys; and four little girls.

Qasim, Ibrahim, Abdullah, Fatimah,

Zainab, Ruqayyah, Umm Kulthum."

As Muslims grow up, they are told stories about Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his role as a doting father and strong leader as head of his family. We hear a lot about Lady Fatimah and a little less about Lady Zainab. We also hear about his three sons, alas, all three of them died during their infancy.

Much less is heard of Lady Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum, the two middle daughters of the Prophet. Their lives were the shortest of the four girls and it has been reported that neither of them bore children, or their babies had died during infancy. Thus their lineage perished with their deaths.

Once in a while, their names and short stories about them do surface in Islamic history books, and one reads about their valiant battles during their early years as Islam was introduced in Makkah. Yet, there is not very much emphasis on their own personal quests or victories unlike Fatimah and Zainab.

However, they were part of Prophet Muhammad's household, and daughters of lady Khadijah binti Khuwalid, the Prophet's first wife and one of the most recognizable iconic Muslims of all times. Thus, their importance in history should not wane alongside the stories of other Muslim women who witnessed the religion of Islam flourish through Prophet Muhammad.

The Man of Two Lights

Just prior to the first revelations of Islam, Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum were said to have been either married or betrothed to the sons of Abu Lahab, the Prophet's uncle. It was the cultural norm during the time where children as young as 8 or 9, had already been contracted to be married, normally amongst clans or relatives.

Fortunately, the first revelations chimed in just in time for the two girls and saved them from marriage to the children of one of the most ardent enemies of Islam.

They further remained with the Prophet's household as he and his family continued to engage in advocacy for Islam to the parties and individuals who took more of an interest in Islam as compared to those who strongly opposed this new ideology.

But the most prominent thing about the stories of Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum were their marriages to the same man, much later on in history. They were not married to him at the same time, but rather, became wives of Uthman bin Affan consecutively.

Ruqayyah, being the elder of the two, was married to Caliph Uthman first, and she and her husband were two of the handful of Muslims who first migrated to Abyssinia when they were under the most strenuous threat in Makkah.

They did reunite with the majority of Muslims when the civilization of Madinah was being established, but Ruqayyah, however, passed away not too long after, during the Battle of Badr. She had fallen sick prior to the army march towards the wells and Prophet Muhammad had quickly instructed Uthman to remain by her side in Madinah in the event that he would miss her passing.

Through the Prophet's wisdom, Uthman saw his wife through her final hours and was even forgiven for not participating in the Battle of Badr, due to the fragility of his personal predicament at that time. He was also given glad tidings that the blessings of his loyalty to Ruqayyah at the time of her ailment were equal to the blessings of a warrior during the battle.

Prophet Muhammad, having lost his daughter during a triumphant battle, had more news for Uthman when the Muslims regrouped in Madinah. Prophet Muhammad had always cherished his son-in-law, and had even once reported that he felt "shy" around Uthman (Al-Bukhari) due to Uthman's modesty. In a well-known hadith, Prophet Muhammad relayed that even the angels held high regards for the modesty of Uthman.

With such high reverence of Uthman, it was only befitting for him to be further married to another one of the Prophet Muhammad's daughters: Umm Kulthum.

That was when Uthman was given the name Dhun-nurain, meaning, "the man of two lights", the two lights representing the two daughters of Prophet Muhammad.

When Umm Kulthum died later, Prophet Muhammad, being the human he was, was swayed by grief. He had lost yet another daughter and this particular kinship with Uthman. He even went on to say that if he had had any more unmarried daughters (Fatimah and Zainab were already married), he would have given their hands to Uthman in marriage.

Parents and Marriages Today

Many civilizations later, Muslims still talk about marriage with high reverence. However, the concept though the same in the Quran and through the hadiths is a little different in practice.

Muslim parents often want their girls to be married to good men, which is an undeniable responsibility of every Muslim mother or father. However, not all marriage choices weigh towards the piety of the prospective spouse. In fact, when it comes to marriage, we often see parents clamoring for the bachelor with the largest house or the highest status or the haughtiest lineage, or basically the biggest bling-bling.

When it comes to the wedding, it has to be lavish to project that socialite image, and please the masses with regards to the newly found status of their family. The dowry has to be exorbitant and the wedding reception has to be exquisite. Then there is the issue of the new residence, which has to be trimmed to perfection, with matching furniture and hanging chandeliers. Imported crockery completes the icing of the wedding cake.

Daughters have to marry the men who can afford them, materialistically, and without that extra cash, the new son-in-law is seen as nothing more than a less ordinary future for their beloved child.

Yes, it is important to look at wealth, status, upbringing, education and even the size of one's house before betrothing our daughters to their future husbands. After all, they — the men — are the ones obliged to provide for their wives. However, there is so much more to materialistic features of a marriage, and a man for that matter.

The person's faith outweighs any diamond ring, any amount of dowry, any number of precious gifts, and any membership to any exclusive club. And with faith comes sources of income, the natural sustenance that is provided by Allah for those who request humbly from Him.

During the Prophet's time, a woman could be married off for a scripture of the Quran, as long as she consented to it. And, to be fair, the women of that time never asked for a lot, fearing that their greed would overtake them in the eyes of Allah.

The same would have been for Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum, two very cultured women of Islam. Yes, Caliph Uthman was known to be a rich merchant, yet his piety outweighed the amount of material possession he had, and his charity was undoubtedly one of the most generous.

It was even reported that he would continue to spend his wealth on Muslims no matter how hefty his business profits rolled in. He even had set up one of the first public amenities for Muslims, fully sponsored and sustained with his own money. During his caliphate term, he never once accepted his royalties from the bait-ul mal, the government's safe.

Uthman was a rich man, but that was not the reason Prophet Muhammad clamored to have him as a son-in-law twice. That was how precious his children were, including the two less sung daughters, Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum.

Their Silent Passing

Just like the other noble women of their time, Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum leave their names behind in the history of Islamic civilization. It was reported that their younger sister Fatimah, had named two of her daughters after their names, out of adoration of her sisters.

In fact, both their names remain popular with Muslims in our time. We hear them in Muslim communities and are popular choices for converts too.

So even without their personal biographies of their own hardship and quests, Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum continue to light up the darkness that continues to invade the Muslim world today.

Maria Zain is predominantly a Business Writer but enjoys various writing genres including Muslim Lifestlye, Muslim Management and Leadership, Islamic Finance, Interior Decoration and Parenting. Her work has been published in multiple international publications that focus on da'wa work in one way or another. Maria is a Malaysian writer, with a short career in banking to her name, courtesy of her degree in Finance. She was brought up in Europe but currently resides in Malaysia with her husband and two small children.

Mother of the Poor: Zainab bint Khuzaimah

2009-12-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

There is so little mentioned about Lady Zainab bint Khuzaimah, as her marriage to Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was such a short one — less than a year, in fact — before she passed away.

She was the only wife of the Prophet besides Khadijah bint Khuwaylid who passed on before her beloved husband. She was honored as a Mother of the Believers, as his other wives were, and while Allah (God) may be pleased with all of them, she was the "lucky" wife who had her husband lead the Funeral Prayer over her body when she returned to Allah.

During the last days of Prophet Muhammad's life, he expressed his wish that Aishah — one of his wives — pass on before he did so that he would be able to ask for forgiveness for her, invoke mercy upon her, shroud her body, bury her, and pray for her. However, Zainab bint Khuzaimah was the Mother of the Believers who earned such a privilege when she met her grave at the tender age of 30.

Lady Zainab was given an additional title alongside being a Mother of the Believers. This title was "Mother of the Poor". The title was given to her even before the advent of Islam as she would spend her time helping the poor and extending her wealth in their aid. Thus, her persona shone through the following saying of Prophet Muhammad:

"People are like mines of gold and silver; those who were excellent in the jahiliyah (the pre-Islamic time of ignorance), are excellent in Islam when they have an understanding." (Al-Bukhari)

Prophet Muhammad always spoke of the poor as his next of kin. He championed their rights and equity by virtue of the Quran, and warned believers that they would lose their statuses as believers if they did not wish the same for the poor as they did for themselves. "O Aishah," he would say to his youngest wife, "Love the poor and let them come near to you, and Allah will draw you near to Himself" (Al-Bukhari).

This was certainly true for Zainab who, as reported by one of the leading biographers or Prophet Muhammad, Ibn Hisham, was given the title Mother of the Poor "because of her mercy, pity and benevolence towards the indigent" (Ibn Hisham 296).

According to Muhammad Fathi Musa in his book The Wives of Prophet Muhammad, Zainab bint Khuzaimah used to spend her wealth on the inhabitants of the most impoverished Muslim district of her time. Her charity and kindness were returned with constant prayers from this community, and that is probably why she is remembered as one of the noblest Muslim women.

She is also remembered as someone who played a fundamental role in developing Islam's strong societal landscape. It was through her work that social values were strengthened through supporting the poor and guarding the property and rights of orphans. Through her example, many other Muslims followed suit, and took very seriously the Divine decree to safeguard the rights of the most vulnerable in society.

It is only befitting, then, that Prophet Muhammad would later wed Zainab bint Khuzaimah, the "Mother of the Poor". It is through Allah's guidance that Prophet Muhammad was instructed to draw Zainab bint Khuzaimah close to him in holy matrimony as a wife and consultant. And when one reads between the lines of Islamic history, there is always more than one way to revel in Allah's Divine wisdom.

Much like the other wives, except for Lady Aishah, Zainab was a widow when she married the Prophet. Her deceased husband, a brave warrior by the name of Ubaidah ibn Al-Harith, was the first martyr during the Battle of Badr when his leg was severed by Utbah ibn Rabiah during the opening of the battle. Ubaidah was then carried back to the troops by his two comrades Hamzah ibn Abd Al-Muttallib and Ali ibn Abi Talib.

Despite his loss of blood and severe pain, Ubaidah's only concern was whether he would be considered a martyr in Islam. He managed to ask Prophet Muhammad before departing from the world, and Prophet Muhammad soothed him by replying, "Indeed, you are."

Ubaidah managed to meet with his wife after his injury, and she cared for him until he finally left her. Ubaidah died as one of the Companions who were promised heaven.

His young wife, Zainab, was widowed for a year before Prophet Muhammad was provided the decree to wed her. Her marriage to him was therefore in equity, as her status was elevated to one of the Mothers of the Believers, carrying the pride and beauty of iconic Muslims during the golden era of Islam, much like her martyred husband, whose death has never been forgotten.

The Battle of Badr was such an important feat in Islamic history that it is even mentioned in the Quran. After all, it was through Badr that the foundation of the Islamic state was revealed, enabling it to fully develop, as the Muslims reached their first milestone in Islamic history.

If the Islamic forces had been impeded or destroyed, the survival of the Muslim community of that time may have been compromised, curbing any progressive developments of their civilization. They would have been seen as a hoax, a joke of Arabia at that time, trying vainly to take on a large army of the powerful Quraish in the name of a foreign faith.

With the pagans outnumbering the Muslims by three men to one, the martyrs and their wives and children whom they left behind truly deserve the recognition as Muslims who were willing to sacrifice so much for the cause of Allah. Considering the fact that Zainab was so young, she could have begged her husband to refrain from leaving for the battle and to stay by her side for as long as his natural life permitted. Instead, she stood by the Prophet, his message, and her love for Allah, and accepted the path that her husband took before meeting his death.

It is through Muslims like Ubaidah and Zainab that this new Islamic state became something to be reckoned with, and became a recognized and growing civilization in Arabia.

Prophet Muhammad's marriage to Zainab can be seen as a reward for her steadfastness to her faith, and the exemplary virtues she upheld as a young Muslim woman who also had to endure the painful emigration from Makkah to Madinah with her peers of the same faith.

His marriage to her was out of compassion, as Zainab had lost her beloved husband during a very emotional battle, yet remained patient and accepting of fate. It was due to her trust in the Divine that she accepted her own fate with pride and confidence, knowing that her husband was a brave Muslim who died fighting for a cause. But despite her loss, her charity persisted; she never looked back on her misfortune, but continued to support those whom she felt were truly in need.

When Zainab married Prophet Muhammad, she became his fifth wife — fourth after the death of Lady Khadijah — and a fourth lodging was made for her adjoining the mosque, just like the other wives (Sawdah, Aishah, and Hafsah).

Her marriage also bore meaningful lines in history, and runs deeper than the average union between husband and wife. Although initially the marriage was out of compassion towards another Muslim, Prophet Muhammad also wed Zainab through Allah's direction for a special purpose.

Zainab's father, Khuzaimah, was from a Bedouin tribe called Amir. This marked an important alliance with another clan that was just beginning to come to terms with the new religion.

The chief of the Amir tribe was an elderly gentleman by the name of Abu Bara, and though it had been reported that he never embraced Islam at the time, he declared that he would not oppose the religion. His open mindedness and his acceptance of Zainab's marriage to Prophet Muhammad opened doors for Muslims to venture out of Madinah and into areas that were known to be possible threats to them.

Abu Bara promised that as long as he was the chief of his tribe, the Muslim community would fall under his protection, as long as they remained in the vicinities that fell under his wing. His open invitation and assurance of protection led the Prophet to deploy 40 Muslims to represent Islam and spread the message of Islam to the whole tribe.

Although it turned out that there were a few bad apples who lingered under Abu Bara's rule, the majority of the Amir tribe supported his call for Muslim integration. It was through this union that political ties were strengthened between communities that had barely anything in common in the first place, except for a young wife who was married to a pious Muslim leader.

Lady Zainab's marriage continues to dispel the false allegations that Prophet Muhammad married his younger wives out of lust. Rather, all of his marriages were legal and dignified, and most importantly, Muslims believe they were ordained by Allah through wisdom that may not have been clear to all at the time, but the consequences of which we see in the unfolding of Islam's messages until this very day.

A few short months rolled by, and Lady Zainab bint Khuzaimah passed away. Her departure was bittersweet as it was reportedly the same year that Al-Husain ibn Ali — the Prophet's first grandchild — was born. Prophet Muhammad buried Zainab in Al-Baqi amongst the pious Muslims who had passed before her, with the respect and love she deserved.

Until today, she continues to be revered as one of the Mothers of Believers and the Mother of the Poor, sending out a strong message to Muslims around the globe that adversities come with blessings, especially when one is close to Allah.

Zainab's life teaches us that although a woman might not bear children, she can still achieve the high status of a mother by taking care of, working with, and supporting the vulnerable and the needy.

Works Cited:

Ibn Hisham, Abd al-Malik. Seerat Ibn Hisham. Vol. 1. Beirut: Dar al-Fikr, 1998.

Maria Zain is predominantly a Business Writer but enjoys various writing genres including Muslim Lifestlye, Muslim Management and Leadership, Islamic Finance, Interior Decoration and Parenting. Her work has been published in multiple international publications that focus on da'wa work in one way or another. Maria is a Malaysian writer, with a short career in banking to her name, courtesy of her degree in Finance. She was brought up in Europe but currently resides in Malaysia with her husband and two small children.

Preventing Adolescence --Well, Sort Of

2009-12-12T01:19:00.004-08:00

Our oldest is just in fifth grade, but we're already worried about middle school and the "terrible teens." Some of his friends already have earrings, and he kids us (sometimes I'm not sure he's joking) about getting green hair. We're scared about drugs and alcohol, who his friends will be, and whether he will stay on track with school and his life. Right now we can still talk together, but how long will that last?

Teenagers!

That word alone can send shivers up a parent's spine. It makes you think of loud arguments, sullen silences, hormones amok, and risky behavior. Parents wonder: "What happened to that nice kid who used to sit in my lap?"

Some ups and downs are inevitable during the teens. But adolescence is also a time when psychological difficulties can settle in as stable aspects of the personality, behavior can be annoying at best and dangerous at worst, and poor choices can have lifetime consequences.

Being a skillful parent while your kids are teenagers is obviously important. But the best approach is preventing problems during the elementary and middle school years. That time is a special opportunity to lay a foundation -- before the sap really begins to rise! -- for family harmony and reasonable behavior.

The key problems of adolescence are isolation, conflict, and mediocrity. Their best solution is loving intimacy, effective problem-solving, and developing internal motivation. Adolescence today is an extraordinary challenge. Prohibiting its pitfalls is not enough. Teenagers need to be attracted to positive alternatives.

In this series of columns in the Family News, we will explore how to do just that. This first column describes the nature of adolescence and a teenager's underlying positive wants and needs. In following columns I will describe specific ways that parents can promote intimacy, problem-solving, and meaningful interests, especially before their kids hit the "terrible teens."

Teenagers are from Pluto
Sometimes teenagers can almost seem like a separate species, mysterious and a bit frightening. Understanding the normal process of teenage development is the first step is preventing the problems of adolescence.

Numerous important and healthy developments occur during adolescence. They include emerging: Abstract thinking, personal values, sexuality, important relationships with peers, gender identity, physical stature and abilities, sense of personal identity distinct from parents, and scrutiny of and skepticism toward familiar authority. Adolescence can combine the best of childhood and adulthood.

Adolescence also normally contains a significant amount of intense reactions, inexplicable or eccentric behavior, wild emotions, and confusion. Teenagers are supposed to go through the kinds of things that drive their parents crazy. That's how they separate from parents, discover who they are, and learn some hard and enduring lessons in preparation for adulthood.

It's hard to be "teen"
Unfortunately, the negative aspects of adolescence have been worsened by a variety of social developments. In two generations, we have created a discrete social class -- teenagers -- that is generally isolated from adults yet supposed to respect them, flooded with frightening information yet expected to remain optimistic, and tempted every day at school with captivating pleasures yet supposed to just say no.

Adolescents today rarely have much access to an enlivening and inspiring adult world of intimacy, large-heartedness, and wisdom. They are shunted off to reservations, enclaves of hired help and other teenagers, such as schools and malls. They have little access to meaningful contact with adults beside their parents or the world of work. They are generally not drawn into healthy gender culture (in contrast to more "primitive" cultures that usually put young men and women in close contact with adults of their gender).

Teenagers have a negative status in our society: If you want to insult someone, you tell them "Don't be so adolescent about it!" Adolescents have few opportunities for productive work for pay, and chances for other kinds of contribution are scarce.

While the doors to positive experiences and relationships for teenagers are mainly closed or barely ajar, they are wide open to dangerous escapes and consolations such as drugs and alcohol, premature sexuality, and a cynical and tawdry youth culture.

Adolescence is a transition from childhood. But what is it a transition to? What can we offer our kids to compete with the very real pleasures of mall culture, punk attitude, goofing off, sex, drugs, and rock and roll??

Practicing what we preach
This is the tough part: The best way parents can help their kids prevent the common problems of adolescence is by living themselves a life that attracts their children toward intimacy, effective living, and productive self-expression.

How are you a model of intimacy for your children? How are you not? When your kids look at your marriage, what do they see?

How are you a model of good-hearted and effective approaches to conflict for your children? How are you not? When your kids watch you and your spouse trying to solve problems together, what do they see?

How are you a model of pursuing meaningful interests for your children? How are you not? We ask teens to exercise their will every day to persevere in the face of frustration, bear discomfort gracefully, and turn away from temptation -- so when they reflect on your drive, determination, self-control, and willpower, what do they see?

In sum, are your child's parents living a life that would be attractive, in broad outline, to a teenager? As a teenager, would you have been attracted to your life today?

Facing these questions openly honors our children and ourselves. Kids peer right through the fatuous rationalizations and sermons of adults to what's actually true behind the veil. We ask them to renounce so much in immediate gratification in order to attain the "goodies" available in adulthood. Well, our kids ask, where's the beef? And if there's not much between the bread in the lives of the adults they know best, then it's a tough sell.

Optimizing a Child's Health

2009-12-12T01:19:00.003-08:00

In our last column, we discussed how to teach several fundamental psychological skills to children, including letting go of upsetting experiences and taking in positive ones. These skills will help anyone, but they're especially useful for spirited or cautious/rigid children. In this column, we'll explore how to optimize a child's health - certainly worth doing in its own right, but also a real aid to any child with a challenging temperament. We'll also discuss getting support.

The Mind/Body Connection

Sometimes a temperamental issue that seems purely psychological will turn out to have, in part, a physical cause. For example, when he was about five years old, our son became grumpy and blue, a change from his normally sunny disposition (although he continued to appear perfectly healthy). At night, when Rick put our son to bed, he often heard forrest say that his throat was "tight." Some kids in Forrest's school had gotten strep throat recently, so Jan and Rick suggested that Forrest have a throat culture done at his upcoming, annual pediatric appointment. The doctor (a wonderful, caring pediatrician) did not see any symptoms, but he was happy to order the test anyway, and indeed Forrest had strep throat. Within days after treatment began, he was back to being his old, cheerful self.

Careful Assessment

This story also points out the importance of getting good assessment. With the development of modern medicine, many fabulous tests are available that will give you detailed information about your child's health: why not use them? They will give you the facts that will reduce your uncertainty about what's going on, and enable you and your child's health care providers to make better decisions. The sooner you have that information, the sooner everyone can benefit from it. Other than the prick of a needle for a blood draw, assessment can't hurt a child - unlike the wrong treatment, or no treatment at all (if there is in fact a problem, or an opportunity to improve his or her health). The worst case result is that assessment rules out a problem, but that means you've got one less thing to worry about: not a bad result, after all!

Whenever a child has a challenging temperament, we think it's a good idea to look into nutritional deficits, allergies and food sensitivities, and gastrointestinal (GI) problems. Why? Spirited children seem especially vulnerable to allergies (perhaps because they are one more form of dysregulation), and any child is more able to control himself and learn from his experience - and the efforts of his parents! - when he's not distracted internally by an overly reactive immune system. Stress - which is generally experienced more frequently by spirited and cautious children than by easygoing ones - disturbs the gastrointestinal system, and the results can include tummy aches, constipation, and less ability to absorb nutrients. We've consistently seen sensible efforts to bring an optimal balance to a child's physiology lead to mild to moderate improvements in her mood and temperament - and once in awhile, a dramatic benefit.

As a starting point, tell your pediatrician about your child's temperamental or psychological issues, and see if the doctor thinks there might be some physical basis for them. You could also consult with a licensed professional who has specialized experience with nutritional deficits, allergies, or gastrointestinal problems in children.

Sensible Care

If assessment reveals any condition that is wearing on your child - and perhaps exacerbating temperamental issues - you'll want to care for it in sensible ways. Here are some options for using nutrition, or the skillful management of allergies or GI disturbance, to help your child's temperament.

• Nutrition - Besides leading to weight gain and tooth decay, sugar can really crank up spirited kids - so we definitely recommend limiting it to 20 grams a day. One of the easiest ways to accomplish this is to cut down on sweet drinks; for example, there are about 45 grams of sugar in a can of coke.

A different sort of problem occurs when there's too little of a nutrient. In particular:

§ Research on children with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) - an extreme version of spiritedness - has found that those who ate a high protein breakfast were much calmer and more focused at school.

§ Essential fatty acids have been useful in the treatment of ADHD for some children, as well as for dyslexia and dyspraxia (poor motor skills or balance), and we've seen rigidly cautious children become more flexible after giving them essential fatty acids.

§ Deficits in all of the B-vitamins have been shown to lower mood; one of the most important of these is B-6, which the body must have in order to make serotonin. Now here's the tricky part: B-6 may be low because a child is not eating enough (in foods or supplements), or because his body cannot convert the B-6 he does get into its active form, which has a mouth-bending name, pyridoxal-5-phosphate (P-5-P). You can get P-5-P in a health food store, and research has shown it to be quite effective in lifting a person's mood, particularly when his or her serotonin levels are known to be low. (P-5-P should be taken in the morning before eating breakfast or any supplements with minerals, since P-5-P and minerals block the absorption of each other.)

§ Minerals in general are important for mood and self-control, but they are low in many children. Magnesium is especially calming, and it has been shown to be helpful for children with ADHD. The Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) of magnesium for adults is 320 mg; a reasonable aim would be to give a child the fraction of that dose that is proportionate to his body weight. Since it is hard to get that much magnesium from the diet most kids eat, we suggest using a supplement of magnesium citrate, aspertate, or glysinate. Besides helping the immune system, zinc has been shown to be low in children with ADHD, so supplementation may be worth trying with a particularly spirited child. The adult RDA is12 mg, and you can adjust that amount in proportion to your child's weight.

• Allergies, food sensitivities, and food intolerances - Allergies, etc. are becoming so widespread that they are probably the most common chronic illnesses in modern, industrialized societies, affecting 15% to 30% of the population. If you minimize or eliminate a child's exposure to the substances to which she reacts, in our experience there is often an improvement in temperamental problems. Sometimes this is fairly easy - don't acquire a cat if she's allergic to its hair, or get an air filter/ozone machine in her bedroom if she is affected by molds or pollen - but often it's a major pain. For example, if a child is allergic to gluten (in wheat, oats, rye, and barley), tasty, alternative foods are available in the cookbooks listed in the box, but it's still hard to keep a child away from bread, pizza, or cookies (we've dealt with this first-hand, since our son is allergic to gluten). Work with a good allergist, read up on allergies, and take the long view: an occasional splurge (birthday cake!) is alright for most kids, but it's the daily exposure to allergens that adds up over time.

Additionally, it seems like a wise, general principle to allow as few artificial or toxic chemicals to enter any child's body as possible. Some kids - particularly ones who are anxious or spirited - seem especially sensitive to their environment, such as to new carpets or a fresh coat of paint. Certain food additives may seem to have a marked effect on your child's temperament, like food dyes, artificial sweeteners, or monosodium glutamate. You can try eliminating a suspected culprit from his diet for a few weeks, and see if that makes a difference.

§ Starve the pathogens by eating much less sugar and white flour

§ Kill them with prescription drugs or herbal products

§ Compete with them by adding beneficial microorganisms (e.g., lactobacillus or other "probiotics")

§ Repair the damage to the GI tract, typically by taking supplements such as deglycyrrhizinated licorice or L-glutamine

Get Support

Since kids with demanding temperaments are bound to take more work, their parents need to make a special effort to share the load fairly, and to get support. In general, it may make sense to increase the amount of care your child receives from others, and it always makes sense for you to increase your own self-nurturance! In particular, you and your partner should have periodic summit-meetings about your plan for your child; a challenging temperament is not going to go away or be entirely "fixed" by any intervention, no matter how skillful. Perhaps read a book together - such as the excellent, Raising Your Spirited Child- and use it to come to a common view, or go together to see a parent educator, therapist, or a behavioral pediatrician.

Counseling or a social skills group could be an effective way to teach a child, even a young one, important skills - as well as offer ongoing guidance to his or her parents. This is also an effective way to identify and deal with psychological factors that may be affecting a child and intensifying her temperament, such as stress on the family or tensions in the parents' relationship. These resources are highly confidential, and young children usually like going to a therapist, since they get to play for an hour with a nice grown-up who gives them her undivided attention; before a first visit, you can describe the therapist as a kind of coach or teacher. Your pediatrician or preschool director can probably give you referrals to local therapists or social skills groups, or you can call the referral line in the local county association of different kinds of therapists that is listed in the yellow pages of the phone book. Many therapists will work on a sliding scale basis, and most counties also have non-profit agencies that offer professional services at a very low fee - such as A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks! Additionally, the office of education - or the school districts, in many counties - will assess, at no charge, preschool and school-aged children with perceptual, motor, or other psychological difficulties, and often provide helpful interventions as well; contact these organizations to see what services they might offer your family.

Sometimes, what looks like an ordinary matter of temperament is, in fact, a deeper psychological issue. For example, some children who are particularly rigid have a developmental disorder on the autistic spectrum, and some highly spirited kids actually have ADHD; for example, at least five percent of the first-grade boys in a typical school will have ADHD. In such cases, you definitely need professional help - and you can find it using the referral sources described in the paragraph above.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

Teaching Kids Psychological Skills

2009-12-12T01:19:00.002-08:00

In our last column, we discussed how to create a nurturing and structured environment for spirited or cautious/rigid children. In this column, we're broadening our focus to explore how to teach basic, essential psychological skills that all children need, like being able to let go of upsetting experiences or take in positive ones.

Relaxation

Especially in early childhood, a child's reactions to things are more a matter of the body than the mind. When the body is more settled, the reactions usually becomes less extreme, and it is easier for him to think clearly and control himself - and remember what his momma said! That's why knowing how to settle his body down is vitally useful to a child.

One of the best ways to teach this skill is at night, when a child is already more relaxed and open, and more willing to try (or put up with) some new things just to keep his mom or dad in the room. We suggest leading your child through some of these techniques and finding the ones that work for him:

• Draw letters or shapes on his back and see if he can figure them out

• Tense his muscles for about five seconds and then relax completely

• Systematically put his attention on each major part of his body, starting with his feet and working up to his head

• Take big breaths; one trick is to get a child to exhale fully and then hold the exhalation for a couple of seconds - when he inhales, he'll naturally take a big breath

• Imagine that he is very heavy, sinking more and more deeply into his bed

• Imagine that his hands are very warm

• Recall or imagine a very relaxing scene, like snuggling in bed with you

You would normally spend five to fifteen minutes a night on these methods. As he gains more experience, you can ask your child to relax his body increasingly on his own. And during the day, you can gently encourage him to recall those feelings of relaxation or to use the techniques he has learned.

Letting Go of Upsetting Feelings

Over time, upsetting experiences form a kind of residue in a child's emotional memory banks. The next time a similar situation occurs, that residue gets activated and intensifies her reactions, like a pre-amp blasting music out of the loudspeakers. Besides being more uncomfortable for the child and stressful for you, her BIG reactions trigger more intense responses from other kids or adults - making her feel more picked on than ever, more unfairly dealt with, more besieged and anxious and angry, and worse about herself.

So teaching her how to filter out painful feelings at the end of the day, or as the day goes along, can be very helpful. Again at night, when you've got a captive audience, you can follow the relaxation by asking your child to recall anything that was bothersome or upsetting during the day, and then imagine that those feelings are being released through one or more of these methods:

• Let her vent for a few minutes. During that time, try not to dampen her feelings (e.g., It's not as bad as all that).

• Exhale the feelings with each breath; perhaps imagine that the breath is like a broom that sweeps dusty, schmuggy feelings away: Good riddance!

• Let them drain out of the body, perhaps as if there were tiny valves at the tips of each finger and toe

• Imagine the feelings being swept away by standing in a cool and refreshing stream on a beautiful, sunny day

• Imagine putting the feelings into a jar and tossing it into a river to be carried off to the sea, or placing them on a rocket ship blasting off to be burned up in the sun

• Imagine that a cord of some kind connects her to the things that are bothering her, and then she takes a pair of golden, super-powerful scissors and cuts the cord

• Say to herself phrases such as, Let it go, it's alright, I can feel better now.

As with relaxation, you would ask your child to use these methods increasingly on her own, both at night and during the day.Taking In Good Experiences

A child will have lots of positive experiences in a day, but many of them may flow through his awareness without really sticking. On the other hand, if the good moments sink in, they become a crucial resource inside, a source of soothing and encouragement he can draw on the next time things get rough. They contradict the negative, self-fulfilling beliefs he might have, such as I'll never do it right, or No one likes me, so why bother trying to be nice? They are a counter-weight in emotional memory to the painful moments of life. For example, paying special attention to taking in good experiences gives an anxious child the internal sense of being loved and safe that he of all people really needs, and it enables a spirited child - zooming around so much that new experiences are constantly crowding out old ones before they have a chance to register deeply in memory - to integrate positive experiences at all.

You can teach your child how to make good moments a part of himself at night as well, typically after you have already helped him relax and let go of upsetting feelings. As with those skills, you can encourage him to use what he's learning on his own, both in the evening with you in the room, and during the day by himself. Here's a powerful, step-by-step method:

• Review the day and talk about or visualize the nice moments within it, such as sweet times with you, accomplishing something, learning a new skill, or an acknowledgement from others. Especially look for events that are the opposite of how a child might characteristically feel, like reminding a cautious kid who was nervous about petting a dog that it was really fun when the animal licked his hand.

• As he recalls these, help him sense the positive feelings that come with them[, either by recalling how he felt earlier in the day or by evoking how he's entitled to feel right now]. It's important that he not just recall a nice event, but that he have a nice feeling.

• Encourage him to let the positive feeling sink in to his body, like water into a sponge. (If you haven't already, show him how water soaks into a dry sponge.) He could also imagine that there's a treasure chest in his heart, into which he places a picture of your smiling face, a great time with his father, a success riding his tricycle, and so on. Remind him that he is taking you and his dad with him wherever he goes, and that he can draw on the memory of these good feelings whenever he wants. While he is having this good experience, he could touch a part of his body, such as his wrist or heart, so that he can "cue up" the nice feelings again, in the future, just by touching that same part of his body.

• As an optional bonus, (especially for older children) you could finish up by having your child visualize a difficult situation - while remaining completely relaxed, with a strong sense of feeling good inside - and see himself acting effectively. Start with relatively easy situations, and work up to more challenging ones as the days go by. For example, you could ask a cautious child to imagine being accidentally bumped while standing in line at preschool, and see himself staying relaxed and calm, not worried about being hurt. Or you could ask a spirited child to imagine another child beating him in a board game, and then see himself shrugging it off, staying relaxed and calm, not getting mad or knocking the board over, and telling himself he'll probably win next time. Then, have the child imagine the positive outcomes that would result and the good feelings he'd have.

You can also use this technique as the basis of a powerful, three-step exercise. First, the child imagines the situation (while staying relaxed), sees himself acting in an effective, positive way, and imagines how good that will feel. Then he imagines the same situation, but this time he sees himself acting in the old, not-so-great ways, and he imagines the bad results and crummy feelings that would occur. Third, he makes a conscious choice about which way he wants to act (hopefully, the positive approach!), and then he visualizes that and the results. Taking Charge of His or Her Mind

Even young children can be taught how to gain more control over their thoughts, feelings, and wants. Adjusting their approach to the age of the child, there are lots of ways that parents can teach three useful skills:

• Self-observation - It's crucial for a child to be able to notice when she is slipping into, or already in, a state of being that could be a problem, such as getting rigid or revved up. Just noticing it puts her back in the driver's seat - like the rider of a horse who suddenly realizes her mount is heading the wrong way. You can help by being like a mirror, reflecting the child back to herself so she can see herself more clearly; it's simple to do this by saying - in a gentle, non-judgmental way - what you think might be going on, like: You gotta have the red cup, right? Or: Are you feeling kind of zoomy? You can also ask a child to step back from herself and tell you what's happening inside: How excited are you right now - a little, medium, or a lot?

• Talking back to his or her thoughts - Your child can also argue with the wrong or overly negative thoughts in her mind. As usual, you start by doing it for the child, and then encourage her over time to do it more and more on her own. (A fun way to move in that direction is to take turns coming up with a reason why some negative thought is wrong.) For example, if she is worried about burglars, you could help her come up with this list of reasons why she's safe: The house is all locked; lights are on; no one has ever been burglarized in our neighborhood; three dogs live next door that bark at anything that moves, and burglars stay away from dogs like that; our house does not look rich. Or let's suppose that your spirited son was excluded from some group of boys in kindergarten, and he thinks no one likes him and school will be horrible. The rebuttals could include: It happened once but it may not happen again; it happened for a reason that you can change (i.e. don't grab the ball from one of the boys in the group); mom will talk with the teacher who will try to help out; kids are mean for lots of reasons (like their brother was picking on them) that have nothing to do with you, so it does not mean anything about you if they are mean; you played with other kids later that day and it was fun; there are other kids you could become friends with; you are a great and special person in such-and-such ways; you will make lots of new and better friends in the future; we love you a ton; your dog loves you; you are lovable; love and a sense of your own worth are deep in your heart and will never go away.

• Making good plans - It's so helpful for a child to be aware of the plan that's currently in place, the need sometimes to make a new plan, and the basic idea that it's not OK to change plans unless mom or dad agrees. You can tell a child what the current plan is: We're getting ready to leave, and you shouldn't be trying to do anything else. Or ask - neutrally, as a coach and teacher, not a scolding parent - what she thinks the plan is: What are you supposed to be doing right now? Or have her tell you what her plan is for something: How are you going to clean up the cereal on the counter? What are the steps? If she gets rigidly locked on to a plan in her mind - like she has to get into the car before her younger brother - that needs to change, you can talk with her about the need for a different plan: Yes, you thought you could get in the car first. But Bobby's sick, he's got the runny nose, so I didn't want him to stand in the wind while you got in the car. I'm sorry, but we had to make a new plan. That happens sometimes. Finally, suppose your spirited, rather impulsive daughter sometimes changes the rules in games in order to win, and that creates problems for her with other kids. You could say: Did we agree you could roll the dice twice? No, we didn't. The plan in this game is each person rolls once. You can't change the plan unless everyone agrees.

To recap, the psychological skills you give your child will not make a difference overnight. But if you stick with them for several months, in most cases you'll see a substantial improvement. If you don't, that would suggest a greater extreme of temperament, or perhaps other issues, that are worth discussing with a specialist in child temperament, your pediatrician, or a therapist who works with children.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

Working with Challenging Child Temperaments

2009-12-12T01:19:00.001-08:00

Some kids are naturally easy-going, adaptable, and cheerful. Sure, they'll still cry if the ice cream falls off their cone, but in general, they have the sort of temperament that makes a parent's job considerably easier: they trot into preschool with no clinging to mom or dad at the door, and if their favorite sweatshirt is in the wash, it's no big deal to put on a different one. They can sit quietly for fairly long periods and settle down quickly if they get excited or mad, and if they can't build their block structure just right, they don't knock it over out of frustration.

On the other hand, probably at least a third of all children depart dramatically from this profile, and it's usually quite clear by the child's first or second birthday. Most of these kids fit one these patterns:

• Cautious/Rigid - Slow to warm to new situations, people, or activities. Obsessive attachment to objects (like favorite articles of clothing) or routines. Highly insecure about separating from parent or father. Often have intense fears (ie. dogs, loud noises, or the dark).

• Spirited - High activity level, and rev up quickly. Always looking for something new and exciting. Often seem to have short attention span or difficulty listening. Physically bold, risk-taking, even aggressive. Intense, dramatic, fill the room with their energy.

These children bring special gifts to their families, like helping their parents really pay attention to family routines (cautious kids), or livening up otherwise stuffy occasions (spirited ones). Nonetheless, they can't help but be considerably more stressful for you to raise, especially if their disposition tends toward the high end of either type - in which case his or her temperament could well be the biggest single stressor in your life.

A cautious or spirited temperament has consequences for the child as well, often leading to more difficulties with other children, problems in childcare or school, and angry conflicts with his or her parents. To help yourself, and your child, we've put together a package of approaches (on a foundation, of presumably, of loving nurturance and reasonable discipline) that we've seen work in numerous families - many of which are useful for more easygoing kids as well:

• Have extra compassion for your child and you

• Nurture more than ever

• Provide lots of structure

• Teach skills

• Optimize the child's physiology

• Get support

Box:

Twins and Triplets

There are more twins and triplets than ever before; for example, since 1980, there's been a 42% jump in twin births. Obviously, having twins or triplets is not a matter of a challenging temperament - unless each of them is cautious or spirited! But having several children all at once is definitely more work. Plus, they're often the result of fertility treatments for older women, so their parent is more easily worn out. Or they could have been born prematurely, another challenging complication.

Therefore, if you've got twins or triplets, you need more nurturing than ever. Look into local organizations for the parents of "multiple" births; you can also get information, referrals, and support from:

• The National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, Inc. (NOMOTC). Box 438, thompson Station, TN 37179-0438. 615-595-0936. www.nomotc.org/index.html

• TWINS Magazine: www.twinsmagazine.com

• www.potatonet.org

• www.tripletconnection.com

• Winnipeg Parents of Twins & Triplets Organization: www.umanitoba.ca/womens_health/twins.htm

• Tamba: Twins and Multiple Births Associations: www.tamba.org.uk/

If there isn't a group near you that specifializes in twins and triplets, join one of the regular mothers' clubs in your area: you'll get plenty of sympathy and practical help. Dads can also make a big difference: they tend to pitch in more when babies make four (or more) and they just have to, since it is simply impossible for one caregiver to take care of two young children at once, especially infants. Try to get extra support, too, from your family and his, friends and neighbors, and paid childcare. Give yourself permission to let the housework go, and maybe get an occasional housekeeper. Long after you've forgotten about the grime on the counter, you'll have twice as many reasons - or even three! - to celebrate being a parent.

Have Extra Compassion for Your Child and Yourself

There's a saying that parents of one child think that their child's disposition is all about "nurture," while parents of two or more kids think it's much more about "nature" - because they see how different two children can be who are raised in much the same environment. A child's temperament - those stable tendencies in how he feels, reacts to situations, or sees the world - is biologically determined, and it's often obvious within a few months - or hours! - after his birth. For example, our first child, Forrest, stayed awake for several hours after he was delivered, looking around with interest, eager to interact, as if he were saying, Where's the party?! Our second child, Laurel, came out, blinked, closed her eyes, and went back to sleep; her attitude seemed more like, This is OK, but I'm more interested in other things, and please don't bother me. These fundamental approaches to life have persisted to this day: Forrest is more spirited, sociable, extroverted, and responsive to others while Laurel is more introverted, interested in projects she pursues on her own, and independent-minded. Both are happy and thriving. But they're doing it in very different ways.

It's natural for you to view your child's temperament as a reflection on you, as if it were a project that needs fixing, or a sign of willful disobedience - or perhaps a deliberate effort to drive you mad! It's also natural to feel disappointed in a child that hasn't turned out to be what you thought you had bargained for. These feelings are often painful to acknowledge - yet if we shove them down, they don't go away, and they inevitably leak out and the child always sense them. Like any difficult feeling, they're best admitted to oneself and perhaps another, and then (if possible) released and replaced with a more accepting, philosophical, and humorous attitude.

But in fact, a child is as much the victim of her temperament as you are, like the hapless rider of a runaway horse. You can sometimes see that a child really wishes she could act differently, but she just can't help it. One time Rick was trying to give Laurel (then age three) breakfast, and she had to have a certain kind of cereal - which wasn't in the house. In spite of being offered lots of other good foods, she threw a major fit. Midway through it, Rick had the sense, looking in her eyes, that she was in fact horrified at where her blind insistence on getting her way was leading, and frightened at being out of control, but she simply could not stop.

Certainly, a child needs discipline regardless of her temperament, and her parents need to offer guidance and skills and sensible boundaries. Yet the foundation of all this has to be compassion from her parents, or she'll feel in a deep place that there is something wrong with her essential nature. Besides being good for her, compassion calms you down and draws you into a less stressful place inside. It helps you feel more peaceful to see the strengths in her nature, particularly if it is different from your own.

When the friction between you is at its worst, or other people are giving you The Look, it's easy to think that her temperament is a kind of aberration from the ideal of the shiny happy child. But it's important to keep in mind that there is a wide range of temperaments for very good reason: until recently, humans lived - and mated - mainly in tribal groups, and those that contained a diversity of temperaments were generally more able to survive the diversity of problems that nature threw at them.. Every group - whether a Stone Age tribe or the board of a Fortune 500 corporation - needs people who are cautious, and others who are eager to take risks.

Finally, you deserve compassion, too, since no matter how much you cherish your child, her temperament still brings more stress and demands upon you. And, of course, try not to be hard on yourself because your child is cautious or spirited, nor rattled by the judgments or rolled eyes of others. If anything, you deserve extra kudos!

[ Pull out

Our mothers teach us the power and value of compasion right from our birth.

The Dalai Lama ]

Nurturing as Prevention

A cautious or spirited child is bound to receive more correction, criticism, and scolding than one who is more easy-going. So he needs more nurturing from his parents, and other caregivers, in order to compensate.

Additionally, the degree of a child's cautiousness or spiritedness is often intensified by a drop in nurturance, perhaps due to the arrival of a new baby, a change in sleeping arrangements, an entry into childcare or a new preschool, mom returning to work, or dad getting a new job with a longer commute. By finding it within yourself to surge greater nurturance into your child, there will often be a pleasant easing of some of the extremes of temperament: less clinging, anxiety, and rigidity - or less jumpiness, distractibility, and intensity. Reasonably enough, you might fear that if you give your child more nurturance (sometimes framed as "giving in to his demands"), then he will just want more than ever. But in fact, your loving attention will help settle down his neediness, particularly if you also teach him how to take in good experiences and make them a permanent part of himself (which we'll discuss further, in our next column); he'll be happier, and easier for your to raise. In essence, extra nurturance for the challenging child is the ounce of prevention that heads off a pound of trouble.

Provide Lots of Structure

Of course, being super-nurturing doesn't mean letting a child walk all over you, or anyone else, simply because he's being "temperamental." Cautious and spirited children need even more consistency and limits than most kids do. Structure is reassuring, soothing the fears of both cautious and spirited children (while a cautious child looks more conspicuously fearful, a spirited child is often quite anxious behind his bravado, and one of the main motives behind any aggressiveness is that it is a way to dispel fear).

Structure consists both of what you make sure is present in a child's life as well as what is deliberately absent. In terms of what's present, a consistent daily routine will help keep both spirited and cautious kids "inside the lines." Your expectations for behavior should be very clear, and kindly and relentlessly enforced. Try to be creative in your family's structures, tailoring them to the unique needs of your child. For example, since a spirited child is particularly prone to forgetfulness and disorganization - How many times do I have to tell you to get your lunchbox in the morning?! What, you've left your jacket at school again?! - try to provide forms of structure that simplify things and provide reminders. For example, you could put a basket in his bedroom for dirty clothes rather than hope he'll put them in the hamper - and he'll probably turn it into a chance to shoot some hoops. Or take a snapshot of each of the basic steps in the morning routine - wash face, put away pajamas, put on clothes, eat breakfast, get jacket for trip to childcare, etc. - and glue them to a piece of poster board for a daily, visual checklist.

As to what you intentionally keep out of your child's world, at the top of the list should be those things that exacerbate his or her temperamental tendencies. For example, highly intense or novel experiences can be so frightening that they heighten the rigidities of a cautious child. Exposing a spirited child to thrill-a-minute or violent stimuli - like many TV shows or video games - or to angry quarrrels between his parents, often evokes more aggression in him. Consider your child's friends: do they bring out the best in your child, or those qualities that are most challenging for him - and you?

* * *

In our next column, we'll cover how to teach kids the skills they need to manage their own temperaments - like relaxing, lightening up, soothing oneself, letting go of upsetting experiences, shifting gears and making new plans, and taking in positive experiences so they become a permanent part of oneself (which helps balance negative experiences and also helps develop inner resources).

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

Caring for Inattention, Restlessness, and Impulsive Behavior

2009-12-12T01:19:00.000-08:00

Our third-grader"s teacher has been hinting that he might be "hyperactive." She says it's hard for him to sit still, he talks a lot without raising his hand, and he's distracted by any little thing. At home, I have to constantly remind him to do things; he says he just forgets. He can play Nintendo for hours, but if he is supposed to write something for school, it seems like it is torture for him to sit in the chair.

In last month's column, we described "attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder" (ADHD), which may possibly apply in the case of this third-grader. In this column we will discuss things that parents and teachers can do to help children who are inattentive, restless, and impulsive.

Assessment

All children are distractible, fidgety, and act without thinking some of the time. ADHD refers to a cluster of related symptoms that are biologically based in the constitution of the child. The key diagnostic questions are degree of severity and consistency of symptoms across settings and times.

Other biological conditions, or purely psychological factors, may present a picture of behavior similar to ADHD. And ADHD may coexist with other biological conditions (such as sensori-motor delays) or psychological factors (such as anxiety due to family discord). Every parent knows that children are complicated!

People who discount the reality of ADHD because they believe children are over-medicated (occasionally true) or parents are too preoccupied or busy with other matters (sometimes true) are taking an overly simplified stance that misses an important constitutional factor that disrupts the lives of many children, families, and classrooms.

As discussed in the previous column, your first step is a thorough assessment by a psychotherapist or physician. The suggestions below will also be helpful for many children, especially those who are spirited but do not have ADHD.

Summary of Care for ADHD

In sum, w recommend four key elements in the care of ADHD

• Education and understanding

• Community and support

• Sensible physiological interventions

• Psychological interventions both "inside" the child and "outside" at home and school environments

Generally do these four elements first. If those do not produce a sufficient result after at least several months of real effort, consult a child psychiatrist or pediatrician for possible medication (e.g., Ritalin). On the other hand, if you just know that the "full-court press" approach of the four bullets above is not going to happen, or a child's behavior has gotten rather serious and needs rapid improvement, you may want to consider medication early on.

Understanding and Education

Sometimes when we look into dense forest, we suddenly put together a pattern of "brown here, long line there" and see . . . a deer.

Identifying ADHD is like seeing the deer. What had been seemingly unrelated details come together into a coherent whole. Once we see the whole "deer," the unifying and underlying pattern of ADHD, we can also track it as it moves through different environments such as classrooms, birthday parties, going to bed, or forgetting chores.

Through understanding, we can be more compassionate with our child, knowing that he or she is does not deliberately "doing it to us." We can help our child with "deerness" in various settings, and not get distracted by the details of different situations. And as we said in our last column, we regard ADHD as a normal variation on human temperament that has persisted during millions of years of human evolution because it was useful in the hunter-gatherer groups that everyone lived in until agriculture began to spread 10,000 years ago. The problem is not with hyperactivity, impulsivity, and distractibility per se, but with the fit between those characteristics and the tightly scheduled, controlled, sit-down-for-six-hours-a-day environments in which most children spend their days.

Study ADHD. Since there is a genetic basis for ADHD, you may find aspects of yourself, your spouse, or your relatives in the pages of the books recommended in "Resources" below.

With young children, avoid labels; talk about aspects of ADHD in everyday language such as "focusing," "jumping around," "daydreaming," "organization," etc. Depending on the age of the child, the severity of the condition, and the conspicuousness of classroom interventions, more explicit descriptions may be called for.

Be positive and hopeful. Focus on pieces of behavior and not the whole person. You are addressing small aspects of an overall wonderful child.

Community and Support

Connecting with other parents with children who have ADHD can be extremely helpful. The main support association for ADHD is CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder). In Marin, CHADD can be reached through Matrix at 499-3877.

Caregivers need care too, especially when dealing with a child who may sometimes be exasperating and stressful. ADHD is a long-term project, so parents need to think about the ongoing support for themselves that will enable them to sustain their efforts for many years.

Sensible Physiological Interventions

Always assess a child for physical conditions (such as allergies or chronic low-grade infections) which may be exacerbating ADHD. Sensori-motor delays often accompany ADHD and should be cared for in their own right, often through a program of exercises conducted by a sensori-motor specialist; schools or therapists can offer referrals.

A balanced, healthy diet with low sugar or junk food, and frequent small meals, can reduce ADHD symptoms. Physical exercise can be calming. Homeopathy can also provide a beneficial effect. Biofeedback may sometimes be helpful.

Watch out for dogmatism and quackery in the biological treatment of ADHD. Sound research has not discovered any magic bullets. What usually works is the accumulation of moderate benefits (through many treatment modalities) that together amount to a large change.

Psychological Interventions

At school and home, psychological interventions include:

• modifications in the environment (e.g., removing distractions, placing a child with quieter classmates, or a bulletin board with reminders in a child's bedroom)

• teaching self-awareness (e.g., noticing the feeling of one's mind wandering)

• creating ways a child can self-calm (through time-outs or special places he or she can go to settle down and re-group)

• rewarding positive behaviors and the absence of negative behaviors (e.g.,"smiling faces," extra privileges, or other small rewards for completing an assignment in a reasonable period of time, catching oneself before grabbing a classmate's pencil)

• penalizing problematic behaviors or the absence of appropriate behaviors (through withdrawing privileges, charging a child a nickel, requiring a child to make amends, etc.)

• developing social, physical, emotional, and cognitive skills (such as social skills groups, practice in guided relaxation, using words and not hands, making plans, applying "the brakes," etc.);

• parental guidance

• counseling to help develop skills and to deal with the psychological effects on the child of having ADHD

The books below will give you many, many detailed suggestions about how to implement the interventions noted above. But as broad, general principles:

• The key elements in all these interventions are structure and coaching.

• Support self-esteem, the most common casualty of ADHD.

• Have clear expectations.

• Communicate expectations clearly. Emphasize brief and visual or kinesthetic communications. Show, don't say. Keep instructions simple, broken into many steps.

• Teach self-monitoring: Help children become aware themselves of what they are feeling, thinking, and doing.

• Emphasize self-awareness, cognitive skills, and rewards over penalizing negative behaviors. Caregivers can get locked into attacking problematic behaviors.

• In general, the more potent the rewards and the penalties, the more quickly you will see change.

• Keep information flowing between school and home. Work as a team with teachers.

Medication

ADHD does not equate to medication! Parents may be illogically unwilling to contemplate ADHD in their child's case because they don't want their child on drugs.

Medication is typically a stimulant (such as Ritalin or Benzedrine) which paradoxically slows a person down; antidepressants have also been used to good effect in some cases. Fears about medication leading to drug abuse, growth suppression, or low self-confidence have generally not been supported by research. Medication works for roughly two-thirds of those treated. There can be side effects which should be monitored. The response to medication is often very individualized so that one must try two or more medicines before finding the one that works best.

Done properly by an child psychiatrist or pediatrician, with sensitive and sensible communication with the child, medication can transform a child's experience and performance at home and school. Done casually, or without the other four categories of care discussed above, medication can make a child feel drugged and like "damaged goods." Without other interventions (see the four categories of care above), when medication is stopped children usually revert to previous (problematic) academic and social behavior.

Resources

Based on the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, ADHD is considered a disability that is protected under law. School districts are obligated to provide resources in order not to discriminate against children with ADD.

CHADD can direct interested parents to the many legal, medical, academic, and psychological resources available to help with ADHD.

Good books: Driven to Distraction (Hallowell), How to Reach and Teach ADD/ADHD Children (Rief), Keeping a Head in School (Levine), Your Hyperactive Child (Ingersoll), ADD: A Different Perception (Hartmann).

Perspectives

Unlike a degenerative condition such as multiple sclerosis, ADHD usually gets better over time. Nature is on your side!

Also, what really matters is the whole child. It can be easy to get "ADHD-fixated and lose sight of the being who is experiencing - and sometimes suffering - ADHD. At the end of the day, or at the end of childhood, what will matter most is a child who feels well-loved, respected, and confident.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

When Kids Are Distractible or "Hyper"

2009-12-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

Our preschooler's teacher has been hinting that he might be "hyperactive." She says it's hard for him to sit still, he talks a lot without raising his hand, and he's distracted by any little thing. At home, I have to constantly remind him to do things; he says he just forgets. He can play Nintendo for hours, but if he is supposed to practice his letters with me, it seems like it is torture for him to sit in the chair. Everyone is distractible, restless, or impulsive some of the time. And for a preschooler in particular, it's normal to be sometimes forgetful, lost in the clouds, wild, jumpy, disinterested in routines, super-playful, silly, or fidgety. The question is, are these behaviors a problem for the child or for people around him or her?

Perspectives on ADHD

One way to think about this topic is to imagine kids - or adults - on a spectrum in terms of three personal attributes: distractibility, restlessness, and impulsivity. As distractibility, restlessness, and impulsivity increase, around the 80th percentile - in the upper fifth or so of the population - we'd start to think about a child being "spirited." As the intensity of these three characteristics increases further, at around the 95th percentile we'd start thinking about a child having Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

The topic of ADHD is fairly controversial these days. There's no controversy about the fact that individuals range on a spectrum of distractibility, restlessness, and impulsivity. What is controversial is what that spectrum means - and what to do about it.

In our view, there are plusses and minuses to just about any kind of temperament. We think of ADHD as a normal variation in human temperament, and that humans evolved to have a variety of temperaments in represented in the hunter-gatherer groups that our ancestors lived in for millions of years. Groups whose members had only cautious, conservative temperaments would not explore and take risks as much as they should - while groups with only spirited/ADHD members would not be as prudent and planful as they should be. The groups that would have the best odds of survival - and passing on their genes - would be the ones with a mix, a synergy of temperamental types.

So, in a sense, ADHD is normal. That six-year-old boy running around the playground, getting into a million things, full of spirit and passion, bored with schoolwork, driving his parents and teachers crazy . . . .would be on the fast track to becoming a mighty hunter or explorer - and admired and successful within his tribe - a hundred thousand years ago. But today, he's sitting in the principal's office because he just can't hold it together to sit quietly at a desk for six hours a day.

In short, the "disorder" of ADHD is really a disorder of fit between perfectly normal - albeit inattentive, looking-for-action, intense, easily upset, on the move, impulsive, delightful, make-you-pull-your-hair-out - children and an environment that places historically unprecedented demands on young people (and grown-ups, too) to concentrate, sit still, and absorb streams of abstract material. These modern environments are recent, in the evolutionary time scale, and humans have not had time to adapt.

Some feel that ADHD has been long under-diagnosed. Others feel that children's inability to pay attention, focus on their work, and control their bodies and impulses is usually due to psychological issues, including lax parenting. All kinds of secondary issues can get mixed up in the question of whether a child has ADHD: school district politics, fears of stigmatizing a child, moralistic views of child development, social agendas about "good old-fashioned parental discipline," etc. We suggest focusing on the facts (what a concept), getting a good assessment (see below), and working on practical issues.

Bottom-line: ADHD is a concern, but it can be taken care of (see our next column). Unlike progressively worsening conditions like multiple sclerosis, ADHD usually gets better over the course of an individual's development and often disappears entirely by adulthood.Some Facts about ADHD

Fundamentally, ADHD involves weaknesses in regulation (of attention, activity, and desires). In a sense, someone with ADHD is like a big car with bicycle brakes. If the car is moving slowly or uphill, things work OK. If the car is moving quickly and/or the road is downhill, there's a problem.

There are three types of ADHD

• (A) Inattentive, distractible, hyperfocused, daydreamy: inconsistency in attention.

• (B) Impulsive, restless, hyperactive

• Combined (A and B)

ADHD can vary in intensity from mild to moderate to severe. It can appear inconsistently, and in some settings more than others. It can change during a child's development.

Common estimates are that approximately 5 to 10 percent of children have ADHD. This means that a typical class will have one to four children with ADHD. Boys are diagnosed with ADHD more than girls, although girls are probably underdiagnosed because their type of ADHD is often more daydreamy and less problematic for parents and teachers. ADHD often persists into adulthood, particularly inattention and impulsiveness.

ADHD is biologically based and studies have revealed a genetic link. It is not a character defect or personality flaw or motivated effort to drive parents and teachers crazy! A child's environment can help or aggravate ADHD, but not create it.

There are many positive aspects typically associated with ADHD. These include high energy and enthusiasm, and above average intelligence, intuition, and creativity. People with ADHD are often lively and likable individuals. They are typically results-oriented, with a bottom-line focus.

Unfortunately, there are often aspects of ADHD that are problematic for children, parents, and teachers:

• Inaccurate (often negative) opinions of self, others, and situations. Fix on one aspect of something, losing the big picture. Often misread social cues.

• Forgetfulness. Poor organization. Rush through tasks. Procrastination and poor follow-through.

• Want immediate rewards. Low tolerance of frustration or boredom. Impatient.

• Intense kids who like high intensity situations. Get aroused ("hyped") real easily; "hair-trigger gas pedals."

• Emotions on the surface. Easily hurt. Unstable moods. Background sense of unease, insecurity, or worry.

Other concerns are frequently associated with ADHD and are often the focus of parents and teachers. They include behavior problems, low self-esteem, underachievement at school, problems with peers, and risky behavior. These issues can mask underlying ADHD. Painfully, children with ADHD are often the target of physical and emotional abuse by parents and caregivers.

Children with ADHD can be termed "stupid," "retarded," "lazy," or "flaky." They can become the target and presumed culprit for family discord or classroom problems. A stressful and upsetting BIG STRUGGLE often revolves around a child with ADHD. It is important to allow the person with ADHD to step out of the "problem role." The reactions of others can unwittingly maintain ADHD behaviors.

In a recent popular book about ADHD, Driven to Distraction, the author commented: "The picture of a young child who starts out well and then gradually sees his school performance tail off while teachers grow increasingly moralistic in their explanations should always suggest the possibility of ADHD." Assessment

The first step when ADHD is suspected should be assessment by a licensed psychotherapist and/or physician. School districts can sometimes help. A good assessment involves consultations with teachers and parents, review of school records, and observation of the child in natural settings. The most reliable diagnostic tool is the individual's history. There is no single "test" for ADHD. ADHD should never be ruled out on the basis of testing or doctor's office visits alone!

Sometimes other issues are primary and produce ADHD-like symptoms. Psychological issues include anxiety, depression, significant separation from parents, and family discord. Biological issues include intense allergies, chronic infections, seizure disorders, and hyperthyroidism. These other possibilities should always be ruled out through investigation by the applicable licensed professional.

ADHD and learning difficulties are statistically associated and can mask and exacerbate each other. If diagnosis is still unclear after assessment, address the ADHD and then see what learning disabilities remain; ADHD is the more general factor. Care of ADHD

In our next column I will describe the care of ADHD. We use the word "care" instead of "treatment" because it is important to remember that there is a whole person suffering a condition not of his or her choosing.

In sum, we recommend four key elements in the care of ADHD

• Education and understanding

• Community and support

• Holistic physical interventions

• Psychological interventions within the child and at home and school

Please note that we have not mentioned Ritalin, which many people consider equivalent to a diagnosis of ADHD. Sometimes a fifth element -- medication -- may sometimes be called for in the care of a child, but only after the first four elements above have been thoroughly explored.

We will discuss all this issues in detail next month!

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

Sex After Children

2009-12-11T06:19:00.000-08:00

Our baby just had her first birthday, and my husband and I are getting along OK, but the problem is he's really frustrated that we almost never make love because I usually feel too tired and "touched-out" when we finally get to bed.

This is a BIG topic, so please consider this column a summary of the summary of what could be said about it, and for much more information, please see chapter 8 of our book, Mother Nurture. Here are the headlines:

* Understand your differences - In most couples, the man is interested in more frequent lovemaking than the woman is, and this difference usually increases dramatically after children arrive. The hormonal perturbations and physical issues of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing combined with fatigue, being pulled on all day by children, stress, and physical depletion all tend to lower a mother's libido, and if she also feels let down by or emotionally distant from her partner, sex is at the bottom of her list of preferred ways to spend the next half hour.

On the other hand, a father is usually still quite interested in his wife as a lover (though some men also experience a drop in sexual interest after becoming a parent). While he misses sex itself, the principal loss for a man is typically that it starts to feel that his partner doesn't care enough about him as a person to approach him as a lover or stretch herself to engage him for a little while - especially when he sees her stretching herself much more for the children or even for a friend who calls on the phone.

The solution is to not take these differences personally, but to recognize them as normal and rooted in utterly impersonal biological imperatives of men and women. Try to have empathy and compassion for each other, which will help you feel better and get closer, and will be the basis for addressing your differences in practical ways.

* Take care of your personal well-being, teamwork, and emotional intimacy - Many fathers can shift into lover mode even if they don't feel that well, and even if things are somewhat tense with their partner. But in order to be comfortable with lovemaking, most mothers need to have a basic amount of energy and wellness, a sense of not being let down by their mate, and feelings of being cared about and connected. We've written about these extensively in our book and previous columns, so 'nuff said here, other than we REALLY encourage you to make sure these pieces are in place.
* Make fondness and affection a part of daily life - Look for opportunities to acknowledge each other for everything you do. Whenever you can, deliberately express your liking, warmth, caring, and concern for your partner - even if it's just a look or a smile. Try to touch each other, non-sexually, several times a day. Carve out times, from merely a few minutes to a date night or a weekend away, that are for just the two of you, with no interruptions from children. Try to go to bed at the same time, even if one of you gets up to watch some TV after the other one drifts off. Hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle on the couch or in bed - all the sweet things you used to do before kids.

On this foundation, come to an understanding that works for both of you as to about how often you'll make love - For some couples, especially during the first few months postpartum, they'll agree to no lovemaking. But for many others, they'll come to something closer to once a week or so.

Yes, that frequency is probably closer to the natural preference of many dads with young children (two to three times a week) than it is to that of many moms (once every month or so). But to be frank, for many fathers the prospect of indefinitely, with no end in sight, meeting their wife as a lover just once a month would be quite troubling, and could ultimately be a major factor eroding the marriage. A loose analogy is conversation: it would also be troubling to many mothers to be told that they can expect their partner to talk with them in any depth only once a month.

The truth is that there is a middle ground in sex between hot-to-trot (ahh, those were the days . . . . !) and are-you-crazy?! (And there is probably an equivalent middle ground for many men when it comes to sitting down on the couch to talk with their wife about something that's upsetting her.) We consciously reach down inside to find an authentic willingness to do something even if it is not our first preference. And as we engage the process, a natural interest or presence with the activity is usually kindled, and when it's over, we are usually glad we took the time, and there's a nice glow in the relationship.

Whether it's sex - or a deep and meaningful conversation - we're talking about taking half an hour or so a week to keep re-knitting the ties that bind a couple together and create a solid family framework in which to raise precious children. (And of course it's wise to have more than one good conversation a week!)

If there is clarity about a fairly predictable frequency of lovemaking, that also eliminates many upsets. If they've agreed to make love once a week or so and it's been about that long, if she says no tonight because she had a hard day with the kids or at work, he probably won't feel helplessly frustrated, but will figure there's a good chance he'll get lucky tomorrow night. If they've recently made love and he puts his hand on her hip, she doesn't have to stiffen to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea that sex is in the offing. They can kiss passionately or fondle each other for a few minutes before rolling over to go to sleep - sweet pleasures for many men and some women that are one more way to evoke loving feelings - without fearing that now they have to go all the way.

In our experience, if you take care of the basics above, you can always work out the practical details - like you've gotten out of the habit, the baby's in the bedroom, setting up a time for sex seems unromantic, lovemaking has grown routine or even boring, and so on. And more than anything, try to let lovemaking deepen your love for each other, touching with a cherishing in your lips and fingertips, the giving of your bodies opening your hearts.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

Foundations of Love

2009-12-11T06:17:00.000-08:00

I just don't feel that spark with my husband any more. Who knows what he is feeling because we never talk much beyond "what's for dinner," "what happened at preschool," or "how did it go at work." At night when we could be together, we are so fried that we just go to bed. I read, he goes to sleep, and after awhile I turn out the light. We used to feel so good about each other. Does that feeling come back? Can you lose a spark forever?

It is so easy to conceive a child, and so hard to provide strong and lasting care. I think it is even harder to stay in love

The price of parenthood
Just parenting itself is very difficult. The larger task of making a family -- earning a living, maintaining a marriage, juggling schedules, managing a household, etc. etc. -- is even harder. In the best of circumstances, parenthood strains mothers, fathers, and marriages. And if circumstances are not the best, then the extraordinary work of family-making can damage the health of individual parents and tear marriages apart.

In order to raise children with the greatest possible love and skill, three things are vital. First, mothers and fathers must take care of themselves and each other so they have something to give their child. Second, they must work together. They must find a way to parent consistently, share the load fairly, and solve problems and conflicts. Third, it is best if they stay married and provide a model of a strong and enduring love.

Besides a child's needs, parents have needs and wants of their own. Mothers and fathers need ways to parent well without killing themselves in the process, ways to solve the pressing problems that stress themselves and tear marriages apart, ways to keep alive the spark that drew them together in the first place.

The flame and the wick
A quintessential image of romantic love is candlelight. Candles contains a lesson about staying in love. The lovely flame that lights our lover's shining face is wrapped around an everyday bit of boring blackness, a wick, humdrum -- and absolutely essential.
The fire of romantic love can sustain itself for a while, but over time there must be a wick, a foundation to an enduring love. The foundation of love between parents consists of skill and well-being in two areas: Self and Team. Self and Team intertwine with a third circle -- the Couple. Together, these three circles are the foundation for family.

Self, Team, and Couple
Self is the domain of the individual parent. It includes everything we do, think, and feel, as well as our physical and psychological health. Team is the territory where mothers and fathers must work together (or fail to do so). This includes what they think of each other as parents, how they work out problems, and how they share the load. Couple is the realm of the loving heart. This domain includes friendship, romance, and sexuality. It is the territory of being "in love with" the man or woman one married, beyond being co-managers of the family enterprise.

These spheres are intimately interrelated. If a mother or father becomes physically or psychologically worn out or even unhealthy (Self), she or he will probably have less energy to work things out with the other parent (Team) and have less to bring to the intimate relationship (Couple). It is a cliche with broad implications: tired parents have little interest in sex . . . or conversation, or difficult negotiations about the daily business of schedules, budgets, and what to do when Johnny tells Susie that she looks like a pig.

Or if two parents disagree about parenting practices, or have a hard time cooperating in solutions to the everyday problems of families (such as around schedule or money), or have resentful feelings about not sharing the load fairly (Team) -- then each individual parent will be that much more stressed (Self) and the negative feelings from the breakdown in teamwork will make it harder to be friendly, loving, romantic, or sexual (Couple).

And if there is a cool distance between spouses, or ongoing harsh and critical talk, or no time for their own relationship, or little romance and sexuality (Couple), then the reservoir of goodwill, compassion, and love which couples need to solve problems (Team) will be drained, and individual parents (Self) will not be fed by their intimate relationship and supported by it through the difficult tasks of parenting.

Positive cycles
Because these three spheres are connected, the bad news is that problems in one sphere affect the others. The good news, though, is that when good things happen in one sphere they cause good things to happen in the others. For example, a parent who exercises regularly may feel less stressed (Self) and as a result be more patient during conflicts with a spouse (Team) and feel happier in the intimate relationship (Couple). If mothers and fathers make agreements to share the parenting load more evenly (Team), then individual parents will be less fatigued (Self) and resentments about inequities in the workload will not spill over into the bedroom (Couple). Or if a husband and wife arrange to go out together by themselves once a week or so (Couple), then each is likely to feel a bit more cared for and restored (Self) and also friendlier and more civil at times when disagreements used to get heated (Team).

When parents want to bring back the spark, they are often advised to spend more time together. I think that's great, but if the foundation is shaky (Self and Team) then the benefits of going out will be limited. It may be fun to hear about ways to spice up your love life after children, but not very useful when you feel hurt by your spouse or you'd really rather sleep.

A gift to yourself and your valentine
This Valentine's Day, perhaps a good gift would be to talk about how you can take better care of yourselves and each other. If you are really brave, you might agree on a time (not Valentine's Day!) when you can talk about being better teammates, about how you can treat each other with more respect, speak more civilly, cooperate and compromise more, and negotiate more effectively.

The "how" of caring for parents and working better as a team is pretty straightforward. I have written much on the subject and would be happy to speak with you as well. Many other counselors, including those at the A.P.P.L.E. Family Center, are knowledgable in this area. The key to parental well-being and teamwork is thus not techniques but rather intention followed by sensible work.

When your foundation is solid, it often takes very little to bring back the spark. You were in love with each other once. There was a time when seeing each other made your hearts beat faster. You can feel that way again! Clear away the muck surrounding your wick, straighten it up, and then light a little flame and watch grow ever brighter and hotter.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Restoring Love

2009-12-11T06:15:00.002-08:00

When John and I got married, we were so happy. Ten years later, we have kids, jobs, and tension. Our love is a faraway feeling. We argue and it doesn't settle much. Sometimes things feel good, but mainly we are polite and sort of distant. We just function and get through the week. There is a lot going on inside my head that I am not saying. Where did the love go? What can we do?

Keeping romantic love alive in the midst of raising kids and earning a living is one of the hardest things that anyone can do.

Studies show that the most influential event in the life of a couple is usually the arrival of children. Often, the mother withdraws energy and attention from the father for the children, and the father withdraws from the mother both in reaction to her withdrawal and to provide for the family. Kids can also be the innocent catalysts of conflicts over money, schedules, values, religion, etc.

These are real events with real consequences that require real action.

Commitment
You have already taken the most important step: acknowledging the problem. It is all too easy to kid ourselves. The other day our two year-old didn't want her cornflakes, so she did the (to her) logical thing . . . and pushed them off the table! I could see her thinking: 'They are not in front of me any more, so what's the problem?' Adults can be like that too. Unfortunately, the cornflakes -- or the disappointments, the hurts, the resentments -- are not really gone. And after awhile they start to smell.

Sometimes it is possible to fix things with small changes: getting a babysitter and scheduling a 'date night' each week or so, etc. If that works, great. But it often takes larger steps.

More than house or IRAs, family is our greatest investment. The tentpole of family, upon which all else hangs, is the parental relationship. With all respect, my advice to couples is to do whatever you need to do to get that tentpole straight. Do it for yourselves and do it for your children. Spend the time, the money, the energy. Take breaks if you need to, but don't quit.

Framework
It needs to feel safe to talk with your mate about the relationship, safe to take risks and make changes. Obviously, there must be no actual or threatened violence; if family life is scary, get help immediately from an agency like Marin Abused Women Services. Lead with respect in your dealings with each other. Expressing anger is often necessary, but no mean-spirited attacks, overt or covert. Restoring trust is important, so make clear agreements with each other and keep them.

Buffers help; couples are often 'metal on metal.' Take a big breath before you speak. Practice civility. Spend time apart that is rejuvenating, and deepen friendships with others of the same gender. Write in a journal to clarify thoughts and feelings. Write letters to each other, some of which will never be sent.

If you are not resolving things on your own, involve a professional such as a minister or therapist. A third party can offer a neutral perspective and practical suggestions based on years of experience. Many therapists, including myself, will do an initial screening at no charge and help you to identify the true problems and find what you need. Money is not a legitimate reason not to get professional assistance; there are plenty of sliding scales in Marin, including A.P.P.L.E. (which has an excellent counseling program).

Tools
Tools to restore and deepen love are available from professionals, other couples, and solid books such as Getting the Love You Want. The right tools are going to depend on your exact needs. Much as one reads in books on exercise, I advise you to use these tools under a professional's guidance.

In general, I suggest first that you and your mate take some serious time to write out answers to questions like these: What did you see in the other that made you want to get married? What did you expect in family life? How have you felt disappointed, wronged, or even betrayed? What underlying wounds or issues in you have been reactivated? How have you let down your mate? What needs to change in your home life? How do you feel about the areas of money, schedules, sexuality, childrearing, or equitable sharing of childrearing? What do you need in order to trust him/her? What do you want from him/her? What do you like, respect, or value about the other? What are you prepared to give, to forgive, to change in yourself to improve the relationship?

Second, in a safe environment with plenty of time to talk, take what Steve wrote and read it to him (and vice versa). Let it sink in. Tell each other your understanding of how they feel, and why. Focus initially on their side of the story, not your own. If you feel your mate is still not getting something, tell him/her in as clear and non-hostile a way as possible. But don't get involved in defending yourself: concentrate on empathy and understanding.

Third, pick one or two simple things which you can agree on changing. Write down what the changes will be and actually do them for a couple of weeks. When you start restoring trust, it is important to keep your agreements. If either of you wavers, talk again about your commitment to the family and your relationship. Get some momentum going of positive change. And then pick something else to change and repeat the process.

Fourth, increase the positive. Praise your mate. Do fun things together again. Take a few minutes at the end of each day to tell each other what you appreciate. Touch each other more. Exhange backrubs daily. Give gifts, large and small. Now that you know more clearly what they want, make real efforts to give it to them. And in a loving way, tell them explicitly and concretely what you want.

The Comforts of Support

2009-12-11T06:15:00.001-08:00

Fellowship
One day in the park, when our son was a toddler, a woman we didn't know walked over to Jan and me while her little boy played in the sandbox. She started talking with us energetically about kids, the hassle of buying groceries with a toddler in tow, etc. At first, Jan and I were guarded. Who was this person anyway and what was she after? I was also judgmental: if she was this friendly, there had to be something wrong with her! But soon it became clear that she just wanted to connect with other parents. Then our walls came down. Diane grew up in a large family, and she knew that the similarities among people are greater than the differences. Her son, Brian, became Forrest's first friend, and until she moved back to Iowa, she was Jan's best mom friend. She taught us that day that parents need each other, that we have to get past our judgments and find the comforts of common ground.

When a group of parents gathers, you can see the eyes sweep the room, the looks of recognition, a settling down into a natural place, a wordless and warm sense of belonging. There is a feeling of camaraderie, of being with others who understand without asking. Simply being "a part of" is comforting. It gives us the feeling that we are going through something together, that others are experiencing the same joys, the same ordeals.

And there are lots of ways to feel "a part of." About the time our first child turned one, still blown away by the changes in my life and the second-by-second sense of responsibility as a father, I said to a single friend that it seemed like there were two kinds of people in the world, parents and non-parents. I meant it with no prejudice, just an observation tinged with amazement at the defining event of becoming a parent. But it lodged in his memory, and when he married a few years later and acquired a dog, he assured me that there were two kinds of people in the world, those with dogs and those without! Then he and his wife had a child; with good humor, he proposed a special category, "parents with dogs"!

Mothers and fathers find a feeling of fellowship in lots of ways and places. Sometimes it is with one other parent, perhaps chatting on the phone, or bumping into someone at the store, or getting together with the kids. Sometimes it is in a small group. For example, one of the rewards of volunteering to help with children's' activities is the chance to do things with a few other parents. And sometimes we find fellowship in larger groups, such as a mothers' club meeting, our kid's Spring Festival, or sitting in the stands at Little League game. These gatherings can be scheduled or spontaneous. And the participants can vary. The other parent might have children the same age as ours, or even fully grown; parents further down the road have a special perspective and wisdom. Maybe that other parent is our husband or wife! We can look for a sense of camaraderie with our mate amidst the hubbub of the day, and try not to take it for granted.

Questions:
Where do you experience fellowship with other parents?
About how much time each day do you have a sense of fellowship with another parent, including your spouse?
Is there a little thing you could do to enjoy more fellowship with other parents? Get together with a parent friend? Start a conversation with a parent you don't know well? Go to a meeting of your PTA, or a mother's club? Cultivate more friendships with other parents?

Listening
One of the best things about being with another person is the simplest: someone is listening. As he or she gives us attention, as we feel that our words and thoughts and feelings are being received, we shed a burden. When the jumbled words in our head come out, they don't usually seem as bad. We feel known by another; this feeling is so crucial to being human that it is one of the central developmental accomplishments of an infant's first year.

What we have to say doesn't need to be profound; in fact, it's usually pretty humdrum, perhaps a little story or a rambling internal weather report. In particular, sometimes we just need to vent. It's fine to gripe, grumble, and complain as long as we don't make a life out of it. (Obviously we need to choose the "grumblee," the receiver of our blast, with a bit of care, and make it clear that our beef is not with him personally and we don't expect any solutions.)

After listening, sometimes the other person will offer her empathy, the comforting sense that she really gets how it is for me. There is a challenge here, in that another person needs to know our inner world to be empathic, yet it can feel scary to be revealed. The gates open -- or at least a window is unshuttered. How can we receive the comforts of empathy while feeling safe?

I think the answer lies in two things: in choosing our listeners with care, and in being a bit assertive. First, some people are naturally empathic. They can pick up on little signs, and they have great emotional imagination. Other people are empathic when things are made plain, typically with words. And there are people who seem to have little ability to put themselves in another person's shoes. When we take the reality of the other person into account, we can seek out those who are highly empathic. If they are not available, we make a little effort to say things clearly to people who need things spelled out. And we can have realistic expectations about people who aren't very empathic.

Second, we can simply ask others to be better listeners. Oh, the effrontery! Sometimes parents can feel that empathy is one of those mysterious things which is wonderful to receive yet impossible to ask for. But in fact there is no rule anywhere that says you can't ask for empathy. Empathy is a real, objective characteristic of a person, and the word is in the dictionary if there is any confusion about what you are requesting. Another person can willfully choose to be more empathic with you. If he or she is reluctant, you can ask why. Empathy is not pity, flattery, or sympathy; in particular, it is not agreement. One can extend empathy without giving up one's position or "taking the blame." And empathy for you does not mean the other person's contributions or suffering are any less; there is no worldwide scarcity of empathy so that if you get some there will be less to go around. Would it be possible at this point for you and your spouse to agree to give each other more empathy? In my experience as a couples counselor, if a husband and wife can just start being a little more empathic with each other, it's one of the best things that can happen to their marriage.

Questions:
Who lets you know, sometimes without words, that he or she knows what you are going through? Would it work to talk more with this person (or persons)?
Is there someone that you wish were more empathic?

Suggestions:
Try starting more conversations, especially with your spouse, by saying essentially "You're not the target, and I'm looking for just listening and not help."
Try speaking empathically with others. Examples of empathic speech include: "My guess is that you're feeling _________ ," "That must have been hard," "You probably feel tired," "When that happened, were you thinking _________?" "I'm sorry you feel so ______ ," "Wow, that must have been exciting!" "So for you it's a mixture of _______ and _______ , is that right?"
Try asking another person to be more empathic with you. It may help to give concrete examples of what you mean.

Encouragement
The root meaning of encouragement is wonderful: to give heart. Encouragement heartens us, cheers us on, comforting us with inspiration, hope, and reassurance.

Much of the work of raising a family seems perversely designed to bring a parent down to earth -- or even under it! Wiping the rear of a baby, being barfed on, quarreling with a spouse, reworking budgets, listening to your seven-year-old tell you that every other parent in the world is nicer than you -- it's easy to lose a sense of inspiration, of the ideals that move us as parents, of that which is grand or uplifting. Where could you turn for more inspiration? Perhaps there are books, or spiritual teachers, or settings in nature that inspire you. Perhaps there is someone, maybe a wise aunt or a family friend, who is inspiring through their own example, who returns you naturally to your highest ideals.

Many things can give us hope that things will work out, that things will get better. For example, sometimes the gallows humor of other parents is weirdly hopeful. Once I was grumbling about getting no sleep with our infant daughter. My friend, whose son was soon going off to college, drawled "Don't worry, it's just a phase. It'll be over soon -- in about eighteen years." We chuckled together, he at miseries past and me at miseries to come, but I felt the hope that he got through it and could still laugh about it. If other parents could, I could too.

Reassurance comes in many forms. A friend can help us see that we are not a bad parent, that the baby won't die from a wet diaper. Or she can put things in a realistic perspective, perhaps reminding us that some phase will pass, that young children do ultimately learn how to sleep through the night.

Sometimes just the efforts of others to reassure us help us feel better, even if we can't take what they say too literally. For example, when Jan was scheduled for the C-section for our second child, we waited together for the procedure to begin. She was very nervous, and she worried that her nervousness would make the operation go bad, which made her extra crazy with fear. She told me to say something, anything, to help her feel better. Out of my mind with concern, I started babbling a story about how our baby daughter was like a little fish swimming around, peaceful and happy inside a dark pool, and she was looking forward to the light, to the sweet net that would come and catch her up into a boat full of loving people who had lots of blankies and treats waiting, and they would always love her, and she would grow up healthy and happy and strong. Of course, I didn't actually know squat about what was going to happen in the operating room, but Jan was reassured anyway.

Questions:
Who or what cheers you on?
Who or what inspires you?
Who or what gives you hope?
Who or what reassures you?

Suggestions:
Spend more time with sources to you of inspiration, hope, and reassurance.
Try letting one or two people know that you could periodically use a bit of encouragement.

Relief
Can you remember one of those days when your child was really a handful and you were alone with him and the hours dragged by and then AT LAST your spouse walked in the door and lent a hand and you could finally get a break? Can you recall a sense of the relief you felt?

Sometimes the most comforting thing of all for a parent is -- nothing. No task, no talk. Just blissful emptiness, the ending of effort, of pain, of strain. Quiet. Peace. Time out. Tune out.

Relief prevents stress from growing to the point of critical mass. For example, most parents can care for young children alone for four to six hours without a meltdown. But by the seventh or eighth hour, a typical parent is in Condition Yellow -- and maybe Red. By the ninth or tenth hour, most parents are redlining: the needle is pegged against the end of the scale, and the internal warning systems are screaming "Alert! Dangerous overload. Shut down!" The bodies of most people can handle stress up through Condition Yellow quite well. It is extended periods in the Red Zone that do the most damage. This is why it is so upsetting when a spouse comes home later than promised. If a parent gets some relief at the point that he or she is heading into the Red, the timer gets reset to zero (or close to it), and then the parent can again bring a refreshed body and mind to caring for the family.

Relief for a parent usually means the concrete support of others. It's often modest: a spouse puts one child to bed so we can spend a more relaxing time with the other child, someone swaps carpool with us, we trade childcare with a neighbor, or we take the afternoon off work. Relief can be informal or more structured. For example, a wonderful form of organized relief is the "in a pinch" support offered within many mothers' clubs.

Questions:
What pulls you from Condition Yellow into Condition Red?
Are there fairly predictable events or schedules that are likely to put you in Condition Red? Is there anything you could do consistently to prevent that (such as one parent arranging to start work half an hour earlier and come home half an hour sooner, or perhaps feeding the kids first before settling down to a quieter dinner of your own)?

Suggestions:
Create a brief time of respite in each day, perhaps half an hour or so, in which you do not have to do anything.

Conclusion
Sometimes parents can feel that they shouldn't need the support of others, that they should be like some kind of solitary Western hero, the sherrif alone at high noon taking care of the bad guys. Not true! No one can parent well without the support of others. No one. It is through opening up to support, asking for support -- and frankly, sometimes, demanding needed support -- that we receive what we need to give to our children.

5 Keys to Settling Marital Conflict

2009-12-01T19:21:00.004-08:00

I'm sick of fighting! Enrico and I love each other, but wow do we argue, especially since having children. Help!

No doubt about it, marital squabbles and even ugly fights usually increase after children come along. The causes are painfully familiar to us all: sleep deprivation, little time for oneself, feeling let down, vicious cycles of finger-pointing, the in-laws, etc. etc. We certainly fought more frequently and intensely after having kids than ever before.

To solve these problems - and maintain an intact family in which to raise precious children - we've found five key methods. They're not glib, they're not a TV sound bite, but they're the real deal. Try them yourself - and see if you can get your spouse to go along.

Here they are:

# Personal Well-Being - By taking better care of yourself, you'll be able to take better care of your partner, and have a cooler, clearer head in quarrels. This means really doing the fundamentals: protein with every meal, good vitamin supplements (please see our book if you have any questions), sleep as an extremely high priority, personal stress relief practices, and the support of good friends and family.

# The 80-20 Rule - Put 80% of your energy into how you can be a better mate, and just 20% on how he/she could be less of a jerk. You have little power to change your partner, but great power to change yourself. Take maximum personal responsibility for whatever is true in your partner's complaints, and then unilaterally make appropriate changes. That will make you feel good about yourself, give you the best odds of getting better behavior from your mate, and put you on the high moral ground.

# Empathy - Try to get inside your partner's skin, sensing the being behind the words - and ask firmly for the same. Isn't that why you married each other, that you felt deeply known and listened to? Being empathic doesn't mean you agree or approve or let someone off the hook, just that you understand. And when you understand, you're more able to address what's really at stake for the other person. And when you feel understood, you're more willing to get to the heart of the matter and make peace.

# Solutions Focus - Go after what would make things better from now on rather than argue about the past. Be honest with yourself: what are you up to, making a case for why you're right, or making things better in your relationship? Pick a topic and stick with it without jumping around. Then make realistic agreements, keep them, and move on.

# Loving At Will - Life is hard for all of us, and we all suffer in a variety of ways, so each of us is called to bring compassion and loving kindness to other people - even the person we're married to! This both makes us quietly happy and helps the world be a better place. While love may not be top of mind in the midst of a nutty day, any one of us can use the will to reach down inside and pull up a little love. Giving it ennobles us, lifts our own heart, brings dignity and self-respect . . . and often kindles a fire of love in return.

We wish you the best!

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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What Mom Can Do for Dad

2009-12-01T19:21:00.003-08:00

I've been thinking more about my husband's needs lately, and wondering what I might be able to do for him, even while swamped with kids, laundry, and all the rest. Any suggestions?

When kids come along, a mom and dad have to work harder than ever. Naturally, they each get stressed and depleted. And that means they need more from each than ever!

A previous column suggested practical ways Dad could help Mom (it's on our website if you want to see it: www.NurtureMom.com). And here's a similar list of what Mom could do for Dad. Rather than playing it safe with a generic, gender-free list - like be more supportive or less critical - we thought we'd take a chance and try to capture some of the common, "him and her" textures in many relationships.

For many of these, we'll mention how often she could do them; feel free to adjust those suggestions to your own situation. Of course, if something doesn't fit for you or your mate, just move on the next item. And more than anything else, we hope you come up with your own lists: both what you'd like to receive and what you recognize your partner would like you to give.

[ ]Have confidence in his fundamental ability to be a parent. Hundreds of studies have shown that a father is just as able to parent with love and skill as a mother. For example, when babies cry, the typical father gets just as upset inside as his wife does, and just as relieved when the baby settles.

[ ] Encourage him. Be encouraging (though not patronizing) if he is learning a new skill or doing something uncomfortable. Suppose he feels awkward holding a little baby: you can reassure him that he's doing fine, that everybody feels a little funny at first, that he is getting better and better at it. You could self-disclose about ways you, too, have felt a little klutzy.

[ ] Acknowledge him. Try to admit it when his way worked even though it was different from yours, or when you learned something from him. Emphasize what you appreciate about his parenting rather than what you wish were different.

[ ] Understand the whole picture before jumping in. Be aware of how your emotions, beliefs, or previous experiences can make a situation look worse than it really is. And try to get the full story before you react; otherwise, you might make a mistake. A father once told Jan: Our five-year-old son, Pete, whines and gets upset real easily. If we roughhouse, he gets mad over almost nothing, and then my wife, Joanie, comes in and yells at me. We were playing basketball in the backyard one day, and I was letting him win and he was happy. Then he missed a shot, and I got the ball for my turn. But he wanted the ball. I explained it was my turn but he started to cry. Joanie heard him and ran outside, glared at me, and said really nastily, "Can't you ever play without making him cry??!" But I didn't do anything! First she tells me I don't do enough with him and then she's mad at me when I do. She's always watching, ready to pounce for the least thing.

[ ] Don't micro-manage. Try not to be controlling, dogmatic, or self-righteous about small matters. That way, you'll be more credible when you discuss the big ones, and your partner will probably feel less defensive. Many disputes about parenting are inherently minor: If he puts an orange top and purple pants on your preschooler, maybe you should just smile to yourself and let it go. Every time you argue with him about how he parents has an emotional cost for each of you, plus it discourages his involvement; sometimes the issue is worth the price, but often it's not.

[ ] Be respectful. When you do offer suggestions, be respectful and specific. Give a positive idea of what he could do rather than what he should not do, like saying It's been working for me to change Emma's diaper with that little music box going instead of This time, try not to make her cry. If you can, filter out any implicit criticisms or commands in what you say.

[ ] It's alright for you to take the lead. Unless you and your husband truly share all aspects of parenting, it is natural for you to have a leadership role sometimes when it comes to the kids. He is probably entering a flow of activities that you've been managing, and he is just being a good team player when he asks you, the quarterback, what the play is. We suggest that you tell him at the time what you'd like him to do. Later on, if you like, you could talk together about similar situations in the future and figure out what he could do in them without you having to say anything.

[ ] Initiate romantic and erotic contact. Remember that romance and sex are important, even profound ways to feel loved and to improve well-being for each of you. Rather than waiting for him to take the first step, you could ask him out, or be the one to say first that maybe you could make love tonight.

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Issues with Relatives

2009-12-01T19:21:00.002-08:00

I've got hassles with my extended family. My husband's parents were pretty strict, so that's his inclination, but I'm trying to raise our children in more of an attachment parenting kind of way. So I get a lot of unwanted advice and comments about me "spoiling" our kids, etc.

Oh dear!
When children come along, relatives can be an incredible blessing or something of a curse - and sometimes both at the same time. Happily, there are lots of ways to keep things on a good footing with the relatives.

Have confidence - Remember that you and your husband have the final say about how you'll raise your children. The bottom-line is that you can limit access to your child if you have to - which is a big threat to most relatives. Similarly, if need be, you can get off the phone quickly, change the subject if a conversation gets awkward, keep visits short, or intervene in an interaction between your child and a relative that's starting to go off the rails.

Be open-minded - Who knows: maybe they know something after all. You can listen without committing yourself, without giving away your right to do something different. You could try something new with a child and see if it works; if you think of it as simply an experiment, it won't seem so serious or tense. Hey, if it works, you'd want to know that, and if it doesn't, then you can say you tried it.

Become knowledgeable about parenting - Knowing the facts behind optimal parenting practices will put you on solid ground if there's a disagreement with your partner or his family. Rather than getting into a wrangle in which it's your opinion against their, you can calmly mention that researchers have established XYZ facts - which are the basis for your parenting style - and then move on to another topic.

Stick up for your child - and yourself - Definitely do not let relatives treat your children in any way that crosses a significant line. For example, if you were spanked as a child but you don't want that happening with your toddler, make that known to any relatives who are babysitting.
With your mate, it could help to establish some groundrules for how you'll deal with the relatives. Like agreeing to never bad-mouth each other. Or promising not to make firm commitments - from new parenting practices to holiday visits - without consulting each other first.

How to make family visits work
There's an old saying that fences make for good neighbors. Boundaries help people stay connected.
So, if need be, it's alright to put a time limit on visits. You can always find a face-saving explanation. For example, if the in-laws are coming over for the afternoon, you can let them know that you're going to have to leave the house at 6 pm for some kind of meeting. Or let's say you are traveling to visit your husband's family, but you're concerned about it all getting a little overwhelming: set up your own transportation so you can get out of the house, arrange in advance for activities that will give you some breathing room (like a trip with the kids to a local attraction), and make sure you have a private room you can slip away to. Sometimes, staying in a motel nearby makes for the happiest visits.

How to get through an awkward situation
If things start getting tense:

* Try to stay calm and civil. Help yourself by imagining that a camera is recording you and will be played back later for all to see. Remember that how you conduct yourself can muddy the waters and undermine the high moral ground where you want to take your stand.
* Establish that differences are OK, that there are lots of ways to raise healthy happy productive children. You might say something like: "Sure, you may be right, I know lots of people have raised their children that way. It's that Bob and I have decided to do it a little differently."
* Narrow the issue. For example, rather than getting into a big debate about discipline, wayward youth today, and on and on, just say: "Oh, Bob and I certainly believe in discipline, in raising respectful well-behaved kids. It's simply that we're confident we can accomplish that without spanking them."
* Affirm your desire and intention to support your children in having a good, long relationship with their relatives.

Keep a sense of perspective - Keep in mind the big stakes on the table: a cordial relationship with the relatives that lasts for years and years - so try not to get upset, rigid, or argumentative about small issues. Let's say that it really matters to Grandma to get a hug, even though she smells funny to your two-year old daughter. Maybe it's alright to do everything within your power - including promising her a chocolate cake! - if she'll put up with that hug.
Think of encounters with the relatives as visits to another culture or country: local customs prevail, and it's usually not a big deal to observe them for a little while. Take the long view: most upsets with relatives work themselves out over time; often, a few years later, no one can remember exactly what everybody was so hot and bothered about!

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Getting More Help From Your Partner

2009-12-01T19:21:00.001-08:00

I did all the organizing for our son's second birthday, hoping that Bob would help out during the party itself. But no, he spent the whole time talking with his buddies while I raced around doing everything, except for when he cut the cake and then looked at me like he deserved some kind of reward! I want someone who doesn't need me to stamp my feet to get some help, who takes initiative with the kids and the house, whose mind is not elsewhere all the time. Somebody who does things because he wants to do his share, not just to get me off his back. I need to really feel like I have another half.

Some couples are equal partners in the work of making a family. But that's the exception, since many studies have found that the average mother is on-task, working away at one thing or another, about twenty hours a week MORE than her partner is, whether or not she is drawing a paycheck. And if she has no partner, in most cases just about all of the work of raising children falls to her alone.
If you are one the many mothers who would like more help from the father of your children, we suggest you do two things:

* Establish the facts of who is doing what - One good way is to keep a fair record several days or a week of how each of you spends your time (keep it simple, and don't take more than five minutes a day to track your time); facts are facts!
* Communicate your principles as to why it's fair and good for the children, you - and him - for the total workload that comes with children to be shared more equally.

Here are examples of principled responses to various objections we've heard fathers make to carrying more of the total load; please adapt them to your own needs and voice:

* He says: "I'm not as good at it as you are. Plus the kids go to you anyway."
You say: "Like anything, you just need to practice a little. The kids will get used to you doing certain things, and I'll direct them to you more. Plus you could initiate and not wait for the kids to come to me. Additionally, even if I'm the one who always washes their hair, you could still help more by reading to them or cleaning up the kitchen."
* He says: "You always interfere, and I've quit trying."
You say: "I don't always interfere, but I do sometimes. I'm trying to help, anyway, not interfere, but I can understand that you feel crowded, so I'll promise to back off."
* He says: "You just want someone to do things for you."
You say: "Nope, I want you to do things with me. It's not just about getting stuff done. When you do your part, it makes me feel connected to you, like I'm not alone and we're in this together. I made a baby with you and I would love for us to share that experience in a happy way together."
* He says: "I do more than my dad did."
You say: "That's great, and I appreciate it. But there is still more to do if we're going to be fair about it."
* He says: "That's woman's work."
You say: "There is no law that says so. You did dishes before you met me, and it wasn't women's work then. I don't think you take it easy while I wash clothes or give the kids a bath out of high moral principle, but simply because that's your personal preference. You're just as capable as I am of putting a child to sleep or feeding a toddler."
* He says: "My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home."
You say: "Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine doing that for many hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, in fairness I deserve rest at least as much as you."
* He says: "Making a living counts for more than raising children."
You say: "I believe that it's the other way around. Child rearing counts for more since it so directly impacts our precious children. And it's usually harder, day after day. I am not setting child rearing above making a living. But it is at least equal."
* He says: "I make all the money, so you should handle the housework and kids."
You say: "I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money. I'm talking about what you do when you're not commuting or at work. You wanted children and now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend. Speaking personally, it does not feel fair for me to keep on going while you watch TV or go out with your friends. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you kept getting things done? Would you feel resentful? Would you be eager for them to do their share?"
* He says: "I make more money than you."
You say: "I appreciate all the money you bring into our family. But that does not change what is good for our children and our relationship when we are both at home in the mornings, evenings, and weekends." (And follow with the points just above.)
* He says: "It's because you're working that the kids need so much and there's so much housework."
You say: "I think that's hitting below the belt. If I didn't work, our kids would still need you to help out in the evenings and weekends. We need my salary, and even if we didn't, I have as much right to work as you. Besides, we could just as well turn the point against you: The kids wouldn't need so much if you, their father, stayed home. In fairness, the hard choices between career and time with children should fall just as much on a father as a mother. We both work, we both need to parent, and we both need to do housework."
* He says: "Quit telling me what to do."
You say: "I don't want to tell you what to do. Usually I try not to. And if I ever do, it's because you won't make a reasonable agreement with me about who does what-or you make one but don't stick with it. I'm the messenger of what our kids or home needs, so please don't be angry at me for just bringing the message. If you saw what needed doing in the first place, I wouldn't have to bring a message at all. Besides, why is it fair for you to tell me what to do about the car or computer or mutual fund or whatever but I can't tell you anything about what to put in a lunchbox?"
* He says: "Get off my back, or else."
You say: "I'd be glad to talk about this when you're calmer. But I'm going to ask: What's the "or else"? Are you really going to hit me or walk out on your kids because I'm tired of picking your socks off the floor? Because I'd appreciate it if you'd get home sooner? Your kids need you to be more involved, I need it, and our marriage does, too."

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Making Time for Your Relationship

2009-12-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

With two kids and two jobs, Doug and I never seem to have any time to be together just the two of us. You're busier than ever, the days blur by, and then you look up and there's your husband, and you realize that it's been weeks, literally weeks, since you've done anything pleasant together. When we do get some time, it's great and there's a little glow in our relationship that lasts a couple days. We keep saying we have to do that more often. But it's really hard.

During periods of intense demands - such as the first months after birth, while an infant is colicky, or when either of you is sick or flat out exhausted - it's normal for a couple to have less time for each other. But over the long run, we have to keep investing in an intimate friendship if we want to continue to have one. You can't put a partner in the freezer for a few years and then pop him or her in the microwave and expect everything to be warm and tasty between you again.

# Time together for conversation, doing fun things together, sweet moments, and affection is the foundation of a strong and enduring love. Here are some suggestions for busy parents: Do tasks together.
# Understandably, parents often divide their tasks in order to conquer them. But when you're both cleaning up after dinner or bathing a child, it's easier and more fun. Additionally, look for chances to connect even while you're getting things done, like comfortably touching shoulders at the sink, shared glances of amusement at a child's play with a stuffed animal, rubbing a partner's foot as he or she reads a story, friendly conversation in the car while running errands, holding hands as you walk your child into daycare, and so on. Create family fun.
# You can also do more family activities that are fun and connecting for mom and dad, not just the kids, such as roughhousing together, making music, playing hide and seek or board games, making cookies, or planting flowers. Make time for pillow talk.
# Arranging to go to bed at the same time gives you more private moments for talking and snuggling, but that's hard for many parents. Yet the difference in bedtimes is usually small enough that it's easy to bridge with a gracious compromise. You could split the difference: if he's the night-owl, he might come to bed a half hour sooner while you stay up for half an hour. Or maybe he could get the kids going in the morning, giving you more time to sleep so you can go to bed later with him. Or he might come to bed with you, talk and cuddle for awhile, and then go back out to the living room. Establish daily routines.
# Try to build time for just the two of you into the normal rhythm of your day. Tell the kids to leave you alone - perhaps after setting them up with an activity - and make the rule stick; soon enough, almost any child past two will come to respect it. Some couples have a cup of tea or glass of wine together when they're both home from work. You could arrange for the kids to eat early so you can have a peaceful dinner with each other. Firm bedtimes will give you time to yourselves in the evening. Or pay an older child to play with your younger ones for a few hours over the weekend while you hang out together in another part of your home; a friendly ten-year-old is a preschooler's dream playmate! Schedule regular date nights.
# By the time most infants are six months old (and for some, it's sooner), they can handle their parents going off for an hour or two in the evening. At this point, try to schedule a "date night" for at least once a month, and maybe even weekly. The first time or two, let yourself be as careful or nervous as you like: call home every fifteen minutes, carry a pager, leave the movie early because you can't stand being away from your baby, whatever - we've been there! But soon it will feel very natural, and the kids will see it as simply part of the weekly routine, even if they howl for a few minutes after your car pulls out of the driveway. Let good moments last.
As much as you both want things to be good between you, it's striking how hard it can be to let the nice moments last. For example, it might seem like a part of you doesn't want to give way to strong feelings of liking or love. Perhaps you fear that would imply you're letting him off the hook for the ways you feel he's let you down. Maybe you're afraid to melt, afraid to let yearnings for love and support stir within you, unwilling to chance being hurt one more time.

Instead, try to take the moment for what it is: it doesn't negate the past or de-legitimize anyone's grievances, nor does it mean you've agreed to anything from now on. These minutes together are like beads on your life's necklace: will they be pearls, or something plain or painful? You can help them be good by stretching yourself to be present when you feel far away, nice when you're irritable, open rather than guarded. Try to locate in him that which calls forth warmth and fondness in you. When he offers something positive, try to build on it rather than letting it hit the ground with a thud. Protecting these moments makes a sanctuary for your love, giving it room to live - and grow.

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Translating Mom-Speak and Dad-Speak

2009-11-21T21:36:00.001-08:00

In relationships, women generally tend to focus on feeling connected, while men are sensitive to status and dominance. For instance, a mother could think her husband will welcome her knowledge because he wants to come together with her in raising their children. Yet he could interpret her parenting tips as condescending or controlling. Similarly, in conversation, women emphasize the process of being together, concrete consequences for specific people, and feelings, while men tend to emphasize tasks and outcomes, impersonal perspectives, and information. Each gender style is valid, like it's valid to be Italian or Swedish. Skill with the other gender's style lets you shift gears effectively, depending on what's needed. It's completely alright - and often necessary! - to ask your partner to communicate with you in a way that's closer to what you need as a woman. For example, a man who is skillful at "mom-speak" can:

* Accept your feelings instead of trying to talk you out of them; hear you out instead of trying to solve the problem
* Ask questions about your thoughts and feelings; ask three or more questions in a row (and not "How am I doing?"!)
* Nod, smile, make eye contact, say "yeah" frequently, etc. to let you know he's with you; encourage you to say more; focus on the conversation going well more than any practical outcome
* Let himself be moved emotionally; express an empathic understanding; offer relevant self-disclosure
* Understand that your (often greater) expertise about the children is not a threat but an asset for him and the family; be confident enough in his own parenting to ask for suggestions or help
* Realize that you need to ask him questions about his schedule, whereabouts, or plans in order to coordinate with him, not to be bossy; recognize that you are not trying to control him
* Be willing to talk about problems instead of thinking they might reveal an embarrassing flaw; realize that raising a family means one trouble after another
* Recognize that you need to be able to talk about your children or marriage with close friends
* Above all, communicate that he cares about you and wants to stay connected

And a woman who is skillful "dad-speak" can:

* Pay attention to her husband's reactions to issues of power, dominance, and status; be careful about orders, put-downs, or ultimatums
* "Knock before entering" by asking him if this is a good time to talk (he should name another one if it isn't)
* Explain the principles, values, or goals that guide her thinking; be direct about what she wants
* Consider sometimes listening as one man would to another, with less of the chiming in and personal statements she might use with another woman
* Understand that he may not feel his passing thoughts are worth sharing, so his quiet does not necessarily mean that he is not listening; understand that he may regard personal questions as potentially intrusive, so his lack of inquiry into her world could be respectful rather than uncaring
* Realize that his detached verbal style does not mean he wants to distance himself from his wife
* Recognize that his debate-style challenges are to him fair play in an ongoing interaction, not a personal attack: more like a strong move to the hoop than walking off the court
* Be judicious in what she says about him or her family to others
* Above all, communicate respect for his autonomy; make it clear that she is simply trying to work together as equal partners in the best interests of the children

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Talking About Parental Values

2009-11-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

Parents often work out their differences informally, but sometimes, you'd benefit from a process that's a little more structured.
Try to set aside time to talk about the values that guide your parenting, using the questions below. This should be an empathic exploration of how each of you feels rather than an attempt to change anyone's mind. Really try to understand how your partner came to feel the way he does, and encourage him to do the same.

How you approach being a parent:
What does it mean to you to be a parent?
If parenthood were pie divided into four slices‹direct child rearing, housework, coordinating with each other, and providing for the family‹how big is each slice for you?
How does your personality affect your parenting?
How has becoming a parent changed you as a person?

How you want to raise a child: What do you think are the most important things to give a child the age of our own?
From your own life experiences, what do you feel are important personal characteristics you'd like to see our child develop? What are the top three or four? Is there a number one?
There are three central aspects to parenting: nurturing, disciplining, and supporting learning and achievement. Is there one that's most important to you? If a parent can be high, medium, or low on each aspect, how do you think you should be?
What do you wish your mom had done differently? Your dad? How has that affected the kind of parent you want to be?
How did your parents work out their differences in parenting styles? How has that experience affected the ways that you approach working out differences with me?

Your values in action:
Do any of your values related to raising a family pull in different directions?
How do you feel you have been able to act consistently with your values as a parent? How do you feel you have not?
How do you feel you have become more skillful as a parent? How would you like to become more skillful in the future?

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Resolving Quarrels

2009-11-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

Disagreements and grievances are normal in any relationship, whether it's between a mom and dad, or between two nations or peoples. All too often, though, they get out of hand, leading to hurt feelings, anger, and lashing out.
Your best chance of resolving a quarrel is to do the four things below, even if you just do them yourself. If your partner participates, all the better! But waiting for the other person to do the right thing only leads to gridlock - so your best bet is to take steps yourself, unilaterally if necessary, because that is the best way to evoke good behavior from the other person, take his issues with you off the table, and let you take your stand on the high moral ground.

1. Protect yourself - Anticipate situations in which you are likely to be let down by the other person, and try to avoid them by developing more support from elsewhere, like other moms. Eliminate abusive or inflammatory language by not using it yourself; instead, try to stay calm, be civil, and speak with good intent. Ask your partner to do the same, and if necessary, let him know that you will withdraw from the conversation if he speaks to you in a way that is out of line. Stop fights from escalating by agreeing in advance that either of you can call time out. And if there is any possibility of violent or threatening behavior, contact a therapist, woman's shelter, or the police.

2. Assert your needs - Get a reality check on the validity of your needs or issues by talking with people you trust who love and support you. Sort out any over-reactions on your part, and then get serious and determined about the legitimate needs that remain. Identify the specific behaviors from your partner that would address them - both his outward actions and his internal attitudes and intentions.
Then find ways to tell him what you want (while reminding yourself that what you want is legitimate!), such as in ordinary conversation, or by writing a note, leaving a message at work, talking in a neutral place like a restaurant, or involving a third party like a mutual friend, a minister, or a therapist. Stay on your topic and agree to address his issues later. Do not muddy the water by bringing in unrelated grievances, getting overly emotional, or overwhelming him with words. Be direct, succinct, matter of fact, and self-controlled.
Use genuine humor and warmth to lift the mood. Build on any positive moves he makes by being positive yourself and acknowledging progress toward getting what you want. State your understanding of how you each are saying things will be from now on; write them down if that's clarifying.

3. Extend the hand of reconciliation - The fastest, most direct way to get another person to behave better and be nicer is to find out what his complaints are and then do everything reasonable to make them go away. It's not easy, it's the road less travelled, but it's the way that works best of all.
Find out what you could do, concretely and specifically, that would make him feel better about the situations that bother him, or your life in general. Try to set aside your own reactions to answer three questions for yourself: In what ways am I at fault here and should make changes? Separate from being at fault, in what ways could I be more skillful? And separate from matters of fault or skill, how could I simply be more giving or gracious? Then take action steadfastly - with dignity and self-respect, with a sense of choosing to act rather than being forced into anything - to implement the answers to these questions.

4. Be compassionate - This one is listed last because it's probably the hardest one to do, but it's actually the most important of all. Everyone suffers in some way, and you can see the suffering inside another person any time you look - just like he or she can see it inside of you. He's hurting, and that pain is fuelling his quarrel with you.
By understanding his stresses, anxiety, frustrations, anger, and losses better, you will have more perspective on why he's acting the way he does, and you will be more able to work things out with him peacefully. Also, he will sense your good intentions, and that will draw more understanding and compassion out of him. We all live under the same roof - whether it's the one over your kitchen or it's the thin skin of blue sky covering our precious planet - and compassion for the difficult parts of everyone's life is the foundation of being able to live together.

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Asking for Empathy

2009-11-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

My husband's good at solving problems, but I wish he listened better when I want to share how I'm feeling or talk about our relationship. Is there something I could ask him to do?

All of us could probably get better at empathy, but men in particular tend to be raised in our society to focus on facts and solutions rather than feelings and relationships. If approached with respect (and some empathy as well), many fathers welcome a gentle suggestion about what to actually do in order to be more empathic. One dad actually asked his partner to give him a list of questions to ask her, and this is what she came up with:

Can you say more about ____________?

What do you mean when you say _____________?

Can you give me an example?

How was it for you that ___________?

How did you react when he told you about _____________?

Could you say it in a different way so I can understand it?

How mad were you? (Or worried, hurt, alarmed, sad, etc.)

What was the most upsetting part? (The most irritating? The most worrisome?)

What do you wish would have happened instead?

What do you feel underneath all that?

Did you also feel hurt (or embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, etc.)?

What does ___________ remind you of?

How does the history of __________ affect how you feel about __________?

Deep down, what is really bothering you about ___________?

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Sharing the Load

2009-11-21T21:29:00.000-08:00

What Load?
The amount of mental and physical work that comes with children is staggering. It ranges from figuring out what color to paint the new baby's bedroom while you're pregnant to -- eighteen years later -- helping him pack for college.

This work comes in three essential forms:

* Tasks -- These are all the specific things you do to raise a child and manage a home, such as walking a baby, washing clothes, settling a squabble between siblings, balancing a checkbook, arranging a playdate, making a living, or talking with a teacher.
* Stresses -- Besides your concrete actions, the work of raising a family includes the wear and tear on your mind and body. From the hormonal gyrations of pregnancy to the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence -- with just a few tantrums, trips to the emergency room, and questions about body-piercing in between -- parenthood as a package will be the most stressful experience of most people's lives.
* Responsibilities -- Children live in your heart and weigh on your mind. You worry about what to do with the latest ear infection, which school is best, or why your daughter's so-called friends seem so mean. The consequences of your decisions can be monumental: literally, the health and welfare of an innocent child. Yet the nature of parenting is learning on the fly, scrambling to deal with one weird situation after another that you've never seen before. No wonder you want a true partner, someone to bounce things off of, someone you can lean on from time to time, someone who takes it all as seriously as you do.

Who Carries It?
These days "the village it takes to raise a child" often looks like a ghost town, without the supportive networks of relatives and neighbors that helped families in past generations, the social context in which humans evolved to raise children over several million years. As a result, the work of making a family today falls mainly on the shoulders of just two people: mom and dad. (Or even worse, onto just one parent, a single mother or father.) That's already more than they are meant to carry, pushing them out of Condition Green into Condition Yellow even when they have a strong partnership. The best they can do is to find ways to swim skillfully upstream against the currents of modern life that push pervasively against the needs of their family.
And if either does less than his or her share, the other one is shoved toward Condition Red: more things to do, less sleep, more stress, less time to eat right, more health problems, more guilt over not keeping every single ball in the air every second, more loneliness, more dismay and resentment and anger. Compounding things, the parent who is dropping his or her end of the log may have the audacity to wonder, "Why don't we ever talk/go to the movies/make love any more?"
Many couples share the tasks, stresses, and responsibilities of making a family evenly and fairly, swimming upstream with tenacity, skill, and grace. But that's the exception. Unfortunately, the rule tilts mainly against mothers:

* Tasks -- The average mother works altogether fifteen to twenty hours more per week than the father of her children, whether she is drawing a paycheck or not. It's not hard to get there: an hour in the morning, an hour at night, a few hours on each weekend day . . . it adds up pretty fast.
* Stresses -- Tending to young children, hour after hour, is more stressful than most jobs, as shown by the fact that mothers who stay home generally have worse health than those who place their kids in child care and go off to the workplace. Therefore, if mom stays home while dad goes off to work, her day is usually more stressful than his, unless he does something like air traffic control or undercover police work.
Even if both parents spend about the same amount of time doing tasks, the mother typically does high-stress things that are emotionally charged, constantly interrupted, require juggling several balls at once, and deal with factors that are often outside her control such as a child's health. The father, on the other hand, often gets to do more peaceful tasks that he can schedule at will and carry to completion.
* Responsibilities -- It is striking that, for all the advances for women in the workplace over the past thirty years, little has changed at the "Board of Directors" level in most families: it is still usually mom, not dad, who does most of the worrying, planning, and problem-solving where the children are concerned. It's lonely at the top of the typical American family, particularly since there is rarely a community of supportive mothers who can fill some of the vacuum of leadership left by many fathers.

Sometimes a father will work sixty or seventy hours each week, including business travel, and then (in the best case) help as much as he can on evenings and weekends. The problem is that his job is like an elephant in the living room, crowding out his children or wife. Then everyone loses. Children grow up with a subtle sense of fatherlessness. The dad misses out on a special time that will never be repeated, trading it for career pushes that could be postponed a few years in most cases. The mom becomes a de facto single parent. And if this goes on for more than a year or so, some spouses may be able to maintain a deeply intimate marriage, working around the elephant, but frankly, we've never seen it.

Clear Facts
The issues around sharing the load are often so charged that the best place to begin is by clarifying the facts. Then you have a solid foundation for establishing clear principles and agreements.
If you and your partner disagree about the facts, we suggest that you simply track, for at least a few days and ideally for a week, who does what and for how much time. Just jot down each day how you each spent your time, compare notes, and (presumably) agree on the facts of that day. Obviously, if your partner suddenly becomes an angel once the spotlight is on, you can comment on that. You could also suggest continuing to track time for a month or two, which would have one of three outcomes, all of which are good: (A) you might discover that you've had a better partner than you thought, (B) his or her true colors would be revealed over time if he/she could not sustain the miraculous transformation, or (C) what started as an exercise in looking good could become a habit.
You could each also make note of the stresses you experienced that day as well as the sense of responsibility you felt for planning, worrying, and problem-solving.
At the end of the period, compare notes. Try to agree on what the basic facts are. If you can't, and the issues are significant, consider involving a third party as a kind of tie-breaker. For instance, A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks has counselors that can help you and your partner mediate disagreements about sharing the load and come up with practical solutions.

Clear Principles
At bottom, the issues of sharing the load are moral ones. Here are some of the central issues, raised as questions, with some answers as points of departure for you to come up with your own:

* What is in the best interests of my children? Among other things, it is to have parents who respect and support each other, and share equally the tasks, stresses, and responsibilities of raising a family. It is fine to do different things, such as he does the dishes while she reads the stories. But significant inequities poison the well of a family.
* What do I owe my partner? That my burdens are, in the main, no less than his or hers.
* Is raising children as important as making a living? No. It's more important. And generally harder.
* Will I act according to these values? It's not easy. But I need to try.

When your principles are clear, and when you can communicate them with dignity and gravity, you are much more likely to win the cooperation you yearn for from your partner. You are entitled to bring a moral seriousness to discussions of sharing the load, and to confront broken agreements for what they are, breaches of trust that erode the foundation of any important relationship.
Over the years, we have heard various objections to sharing the load fairly that we would like to anticipate and address. It's unfortunate, but when it comes to inequities, there is no way to avoid talking about views expressed mainly by fathers, thus the gendered nature of these sample conversations:

* I do more than my dad did -- That's wonderful honey. But so what? Unfairness is unfairness. Just like you did not marry my mother, I did not marry your father.
* You can't pin me down so much, things change -- If you had a colleague at work who said one thing but did another as often as you do at home, how would you feel and what would you do? You would probably feel let down and frustrated, and you would tell the person that there needed to be changes in the way he/she was acting. It's the same here.
* My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home -- Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine that, for twelve hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, I'm the one who should be heading for a bubble bath right now.
* I make the money, so you should handle the housework and kids -- I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money (or driving to work, etc.). I'm talking about what you do when you're not making money. It's not fair for me to keep working, pulling a "second shift," while you watch TV, read the paper, or fiddle with the Internet. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you were pounding away at your job? I bet you'd be resentful and eager for them to do their share . . . which is exactly how I feel. Beyond fairness, where are your principles? You wanted children and now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend.

Clear Agreements
Once you come together on basic principles, agreements about practical actions usually follow. It's pretty straightforward when you share a similar outlook. For example, it took a while when our kids were little, but we finally realized that we had to check in with each other about how we spent our time. We created a basic schedule that guided our week even if we never stuck to it perfectly. And we made some loose agreements about who would generally do what. We still became ticked off at each other sometimes, but we kept hammering away at our differences and resolved most of them over time. Many, many parents have done just the same.

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Parenting from the Same Page

2009-11-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

It's Hard to Be on the Same Page . . .
One mother told us this story: "I feel that Angelina, our 5-year-old, should watch only an hour of TV per day. My husband mumbles "OK, honey,' but when I leave the house I come back to see her glued to the tube while he reads a book/pays bills/etc. And it's not just TV: I say no sweets, he says "just a couple." I say no spanking, he thinks a swat is OK. I say bed by 8,'but that means I've got to do it. I read books about parenting and he reads the sports pages. I'm afraid that we are confusing our daughter plus driving each other crazy."
This situation is really common. Parents often have very different values about how to raise children. The water gets muddied further with issues about power and who gets to be "right." And there isn't the cultural consensus that existed in times past when we raised our children in more homogeneous communities in which most people saw the world in pretty much the same way.

. . . But It's Important
Nonetheless, children get confused when their parents approach them in different ways. Kids then don't know who to believe, or they have to switch gears, depending on who they're dealing with. It's also more likely that your children will try to play you and your partner off against each other: "But dad said I could!"
Disagreements about childrearing also breed quarrels between parents. It is frustrating, disheartening, and maddening when your partner approaches what is to you the most important undertaking in your life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.
Minor differences in parenting style are OK. They help children prepare for the reality that teachers vary in their approaches, or one boss is strict while another is laid back. Therefore, we should not micro-manage our partner, or get dogmatic or self-righteous. But major differences are a problem.
To solve it, the first step is to pin down exactly what the differences are.

The Parenting Styles Assessment
Take a moment to fill out the questionnaire below about the parenting values and actions of yourself and your partner. Each of you may want to fill it out; either photocopy it or use different color pens. Skip questions that are irrelevant to your situation. Score each question in this way:
1 We mainly disagree
2 We somewhat disagree
3 We somewhat agree
4 We mainly agree

Values -- The importance of . . .
_______ . . . being sensitive and responsive to your children
_______ . . . respecting the wants of your children
_______ . . . preventing the discomfort or unhappiness of your children
_______ . . . promoting the optimal psychological development of your children
_______ . . . encouraging and accepting the emotional expression of your children
_______ . . . religious upbringing
_______ . . . personally interacting with your children
_______ . . . physical affection toward your children
_______ . . . being polite toward relatives
_______ . . . being polite toward adults in general
_______ . . . studying hard and doing well in school

Actions
_______ Where your children sleep
_______ Bedtimes
_______ How your children are put to bed
_______ How you deal with your children if they wake up at night
_______ How long to breastfeed
_______ How many sweets your children are allowed to eat
_______ How many snacks your children are allowed to eat
_______ Expectations for children's behavior at mealtimes
_______ How much TV or video your children are allowed to watch
_______ What sort of TV shows, videos, or movies your children are allowed to watch
_______ How much time your children are allowed to spend with Nintendo or computer games
_______ How much allowance to give
_______ How many toys to buy kids
_______ Use of swats or spanking for discipline
_______ Yelling at the kids when they misbehave
_______ Other consequences for misbehavior
_______ What to do when a child has a tantrum
_______ How to intervene when siblings quarrel with each other
_______ How to intervene when your child quarrels with each other child
_______ Other consequences for misbehavior
_______ What a parent should do if he or she has made a mistake with a child

Add up your total score. There are thirty-two questions altogether. (If you skipped some questions, just adjust the ranges below downwards.) Here is a rough estimate of the degree to which you and your partner parent from the same page:
100 - 128 You and your partner are raising your children in a very consistent way.
70 - 99 You and your partner agree more than you disagree. But there could be some significant disagreements.
50 - 69 You and your partner have major differences in how you approach childrearing.
Below 50 You and your partner are parenting from different books.

Now What??!
If there were major differences between you and your partner in the questionnaire above, try not to be discouraged: some differences are normal, and you can probably work them out.
For starters, take a look back over the previous six issues of The Family News, which contained our suggestions about how to communicate and negotiate effectively with your partner. (Please contact A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks if you need back issues, at 415/492-0720.)

Begin with Values
The way we parent is shaped by how we think we ought to parent. So that's where a mother and father should begin to come together.
Some differences in nuance or prioritization of values are inevitable, but serious conflicts in values confuse children and create marital conflicts. Thankfully, your discussion of values can be more based on facts than could be the discussions your own parents -- let alone grandparents -- had, because in the past thirty years, there has been a lot of really excellent research on child development and parenting.
The super-brief summary of those scientific studies is that optimal child development is promoted by:

* Highly loving, affectionate, and nurturing parenting
* Sensitive and rapid responsiveness to the wants of children, especially young ones
* An emotional atmosphere in the home that is generally positive
* Expectations for age-appropriate behavior by children (many parenting books or your pediatrician can describe what is age-appropriate)
* Expectations that a child achieve academically up to his potential
* Active discussion and modeling by parents of good moral values
* Clear standards for behavior
* Consistent rewards for good behavior and penalties for poor behavior
* The absence of harsh, erratic, physically or emotionally abusive parenting practices

Armed with these facts, we suggest these steps for resolving any differences in parenting values:
#1 Acknowledge where you already agree about parenting values.
#2 Define clearly where you disagree or are not sure you agree. Say back to each other what you think the other person's values are in the areas where you disagree.
#3 See if you can agree on the list of facts about parenting above, or a similar list from another source such as Berry Brazelton or Penelope Leach. (We suggest you be leery of sources who seem to have a political axe to grind or who do not cite research studies.) See if agreement on the facts of childrearing can narrow your disagreement.
#4 Discuss, with empathy and respect, the childhood or life experiences that have shaped your values in these areas of disagreement. For example, you could explore the worldview that, perhaps, leads one parent to want to "toughen up" the children while the other one sees a world that is safe enough for less of an armored personality. Use that conversation to find where you might actually have common ground, rather than a disagreement.
#5 Discuss if it's possible to accept whatever differences in values remain:

* Your different values might be complementary to each other, rather than in conflict: for instance, a value on being nurturing also supports the value of independence by giving children the sense of a safe base from which they can explore.
* Different values can often coexist, even if one parent puts a higher priority on some than the other parent does. Would it work for one of you to be more the representative of a value in your family than the other parent? For example, in our family, Rick puts a little higher value on orderliness than does Jan, while she puts more of a value than he does on the kids not eating much sugar. We don't sabotage each other, although we each privately think the other one goes a little too far!

#6 Discuss if you can make some kind of deal in which one person's value rules in one area of your family, while the other person's value governs in another area. Hypothetically, you could agree to support your partner in prodding the kids to work hard in school if he agrees to lighten up about the way the house looks.
#7 If, after these steps, significant conflicts in values remain, consider using a third party as a kind of referee or "tie-breaker." A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks has a good counseling center, and there are plenty of other therapists around as well.

Finish with Actions
Now that you have clarified and narrowed any differences about values, you can tackle differences about parenting practices. The steps are similar, so we'll describe them more briefly:
#1 Acknowledge all the ways you are already parenting consistently.
#2 Define clearly where you are (or would like to) parent in different ways. Pin down the disagreement: rather than saying, "You're totally permissive about sweets," say "I'm willing for the kids to have dessert at dinner but you're willing for them to snack in the afternoon, too." Say back to each other what you think the other person's position is to make sure it is understood.
#3 Discuss with your partner how your views about how parents should act are linked to your values. With empathy and respect, try to explore any apparent inconsistencies -- especially within yourself! -- between actions and values. See if this discussion can narrow your disagreement.
#4 Discuss, with empathy and respect, the childhood or life experiences that you associate to the parenting practices that you differ on. These can add emotional intensity to disagreements, and cloud your perceptions and thinking.
#5 Discuss if it's possible to accept whatever differences in practices remain:

* Your different practices might be complementary to each other, rather than in conflict.
* Different practices can often coexist. For example, it's not the end of the world if the kids know that one parent is a softer touch than the other one when it comes to some extra pocket money.
* Put the different practices in perspective: Are they that big a deal? Are they worth straining your marriage? Are they harming your kids?

#6 Discuss if you can make some kind of deal in which you accept a practice of your partner if he will go along with one of yours.
#7 If, after these steps, significant conflicts in practices remain, consider using a third party as a kind of referee or "tie-breaker." Besides using a therapist, you and your partner could read a book such as Positive Discipline or Raising Your Spirited Child, and mark where you disagree with the book; the remaining, unmarked parts become the standards to which you agree.

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Parents Are Negotiators

2009-11-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

Through our professional experiences and personal lessons, we've found that a cooperative parental partnership has three key qualities: communication, negotiation, and effective problem-solving.

Past columns have explored communication, including civil and empathic ways of speaking, how to give emotional support, and being open and direct. In the next few columns, we will present effective ways to bridge disagreements, create workable compromises, establish accountability, and follow through on promises -- in short, how two parents can negotiate well with each other.

The Bad News
Parents need to learn how to negotiate for a simple reason: The average couple has eight times as many arguments after children arrive. As the conflicts and disappointments mount up, trust is replaced by doubt and guardedness. You once stood at the altar thinking you could place your life in your partner's hands. Now you can find yourself eyeing him or her as an unreliable character who must be cajoled or corralled into reasonable and helpful behavior. And there's a fair chance that's how your partner is looking at you.

Issues related to parenting last as long as kids do, so if they are not resolved, the same quarrel happens over and over, and the issue becomes sensitized. It's like running your fingernail over the same spot on the back of your hand: the first twenty times do not make much difference, but by the hundredth, there's a red welt and you want to jerk your hand away when the fingernail approaches. Relatively minor provocations then trigger major reactions, like a light bump to your hand that now really hurts.

Over time, positions harden. Since our partner is more defended, we figure we better bring the heavy artillery, which leads to thicker walls. Mistrust grows in vicious cycles. The fights get even worse.

The Good News
Happily, there are many effective ways to work out disagreements with your partner. In sum, here are nine effective steps:

1. Know what is wanted.
2: Be realistic.
3: Establish a favorable foundation.
4: Communicate wants.
5: Respect feelings.
6: Negotiate details.
7: Make commitments.
8: Address departures from your plan.
9: Revise as needed

Many excellent books have been written about negotiating in general (ie. Getting to Yes by Ury and Fisher) or for parents in particular (ie. Why Parents Disgree and What You Can Do About It by Taffel). In this limited space, we can best offer a brief summary.

Know What Is Wanted
All negotiating is about wants -- the territory of desires, goals, wishes, aims, purposes, values.

In order to get what you want, you need to know what it is. In order to support your partner, you need to know what he or she wants
Our wants are usually layered, like a parfait, with less important and fleeting desires on top and vital and enduring ones underneath. The deeper down you and your partner can get, the more satisfying and stable the resolution of your discussions will be.

We often have conflicting wants. Ambivalence is the normal state of affairs. We must balance our wants, and thus must think about how much we care about one desire compared to another.

It is very helpful to give specific examples of how things will be if you get what you want. Your partner now knows concretely what to do, and you will know if it gets done.

Have a fall-back position: what will you do if the other person does not do what you want or agree to some reasonable compromise?

Be Realistic
The deepest wants sometimes arise from a very young place within us, and are unfortunately unattainable today. We should be compassionate toward them, but realistic.

Is a want really attainable? Even if it could be fulfilled, is that wise? What will it take, what are the costs to fulfill it? Will fulfilling it lead to any negative consequences?

Establish a Favorable Foundation
If possible, try to create a context of mutual rapport, empathy, and good wishes before communicating any wants.

Choose a good time and place for the communication and negotiation of your wants. Be prepared to take the time necessary, rather than tossing off requests or demands as you rush on by.

Ask for your partner's time and attention: 'knock before entering.' Remember how you feel when people barge in and start telling you what they want.

If their attention seems to wander, ask what can be done to keep the focus on your conversation. If necessary, agree on a later time to talk, and stick to it.

Communicate Wants
Allow your wants to be known openly and explicitly. Many of us feel it is dangerous or pushy for others to know what we really want, or that they should figure it out on their own. Or we think that they already know what we want so it is not necessary to actually say it point-blank. Certainly it is not necessary to spell out every tiny detail like a legal contract. Yet if you do not clearly and verbally tell the other person what you want, how can you expect them reliably to fulfill their part?

Everything does not need to be crystal clear before discussing what you want. It's alright to say something like: 'I think we ought to do this but I'm not 100% convinced; what do you think?' Or: 'I feel like we need to go in this direction but I'm not sure how to get there; do you have any ideas?'

Be emotionally authentic. If you are nervous or irritated, it is usually best to find some appropriate way to communicate that because the other person will probably sense that something unsaid is going on. For example: 'I'm a little nervous about bringing this up, but I don't think our childcare is working out.' Or: 'I'm getting frustrated that you still have not gotten those boxes out of the family room.'

Double-check: What does your partner think you want? What do you think your partner wants?

Identify any differences between the wants of you and your partner. Differences can be scary, and we often try to sweep them under the rug in the hope that they will go away. Yet they rarely do. Try to get things out into the open and ask questions you might be afraid to ask.

Respect Feelings
Communicating wants often brings up feelings, some of which can go all the way back to our childhood. If these feelings are not acknowledged, at least to yourself, they will muddy the waters.

Positive emotions are good, but authenticity is (usually) better. If we feel angry or scared inside, but are wearing a happy face, that is a mixed message which feels bad to us and probably confuses the other person.

Negotiate Details
Exchanges are at the heart of all relationships. People contribute to us because they care, but they continue to care about us because we continue to contribute to them.

Sometimes people think that if they make exchanges explicit, that takes out the magic: 'Oh, they're doing this just because they have to.' Yet aren't you generally pleased to give someone you care about what they want, when you know what it is? Why should other people be any different?

It is extremely effective to help the other person give you what you would like to receive: What could I do that would enable you to give me what I'm asking for?'

Anticipate potential problems. It does not put a hex on things to explore how they might go awry.

Make Commitments
Establish a clear understanding of what you and your partner are going to do.

Establish accountabilities: Who is going to do what?
Check your gut feeling. Do you really feel like this is going to happen? Or are people kidding themselves?

Identify times and/or occasions for checking back in. For example: 'Let's try this for a month and if it's not working for you, we can make some changes.'

Close at a human level. In some natural way, thank your partner for talking with you, being willing to take the time to work things out, etc.

Address Departures from Your Plan
It is obviously important for people to keep their commitments. Doing so is the basis of trust in any relationship.

Nonetheless, no person manages to keep all of his or her agreements. When this happens, it is important to acknowledge that and restore trust.

If you do not do what you say you will do, if possible bring up the matter yourself. Say if this was a momentary lapse which does not reflect your true intentions. Or explain that you feel there is something seriously unworkable with the agreements and they should be revised.

If it is your partner who departs from the plan, talk about it openly. Silence on your part can be taken as tacit approval. Plus, you need to know what is going on. Maybe you misunderstood something and he or she has actually been doing what you wanted. Perhaps there was an ambiguity in the original arrangements.

Or was it a true breakdown in agreement? If so, was it just a temporary lapse? Or do you need to re-negotiate your agreements?

Try to find out the beliefs, emotions, decisions, etc. that led to the breakdown. If appropriate, check out your tentative conclusions.

Even though it can be uncomfortable for you and your partner, if you do not talk about misunderstandings and broken agreements, they will happen again.

Revise As Needed
Plans change. When they do, create a new agreement. Ask yourself once again: Do I really feel that this is going to work?

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How to Be Good Partners in Parenting

2009-11-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

Shortly after everyone had signed the Declaration of Independence, one of those present is believed to have said: "Gentlemen, we must hang together now. Or we will all hang separately!"

Much the same is true for parents. Once the baby arrives, there is is an urgent need for teamwork. There is just too much for one person to do alone, and each parent has a big stake in what the other one does with the child. Decisions have to be made now that could be postponed prior to children.

It's Hard to Stay Two When Baby Makes Three

But working together cooperatively can be hard. The stresses on mothers are well-known. Physically, there are the demands of pregnancy, labor, nursing, sleep disturbance, and long hours of work. Tending to children and a home contains all the conditions known to cause dangerous levels of psychological stress in the workplace: constant interruptions, little control over what happens next, needing to learn new skills on the fly, juggling multiple tasks at once, difficulty finishing anything, giving instructions that are repeatedly ignored, little respite, long hours, isolation, and low status. Then add the emotional intensity, such as worries when a baby is sick, anger at a three-year-old who won't do what you say, or hurt at the rejection of a teenager.

And fathers get stressed too. For example, like lots of men, Rick felt an urgent need to provide for our family that drove him to work long hours and carry a mental load of financial pressure. Many men want to be a decent father, at least as good and maybe better than their own dads, so they worry about the kids too. They get affected emotionally when their children cry or squabble, or when their wives are unhappy.

As a result, both parents are often worn out and irritable, making it harder to keep a clear head or civil tongue. They may have different ideas about how to raise children, spend time and money, or paint the bedroom Some personalities don't like sharing power or accepting the influence of another, but you have to do both when you're all roped together on the long climb of raising a family. Negotiating takes skills that many of us lack, and they don't just come with a birth certificate. People may have different communication styles or aims in relationship; for example, some place a high value on feeling connected while others prize separation and independence.

In particular, men and women often differ in how they communicate. As a generalization with individual exceptions:

* Male style -- Terse, targeted on a single topic, focused on tasks and outcomes, and impersonal

* Female style -- Expansive, moving from topic to topic, relationship-focused, and personal

Plus many fathers are, frankly, mediocre teammates: uncomfortable with young children, dismissive of the work or stress of mothering, unwilling to learn parenting skills, or willing to do what they are told but not take initiative. Consequently, the average mother has a total workload of fifteen to twenty hours per week more than her partner. Even when a man has the best of intentions, his partnership with the mother can be strained by financial pressures, workplace policies, her interference with or over-criticism of his approach to the kids, or children who continue to go to her.

Conflicts related to children have a special intensity because of their primal importance. If they happen again and again, positions harden, emotions become increasingly raw and bitter -- and it gets more difficult to work through issues.

Many couples do find ways to rear their children consistently, share the load fairly, forge a true partnership of the heart, and resolve issues with civility, empathy, and skill. But if they don't, hurts and resentments grow, the home atmosphere gets too cold or too hot, children are affected, and families can come apart. For example, Rick knew a couple, Danielle and Alex, that had three children in six years. Alex threw himself into his job as a sales manager, working late and traveling frequently. Danielle wanted more help at home, plus more say in how Alex spent his time and their money. He was prickly about anyone telling him what to do. Danielle got more and more frustrated, but the madder she got, the more Alex withdrew, and after awhile they stopped talking with each other about anything serious. She thought he needed drugs. He thought she needed drugs. Their love evaporated until nothing was left in their hearts for each other but dry, stony ground. Like roughly a fifth of new parents, they separated before their first child reached kindergarten.

Even when parents are managing to keep living together, we have heard numerous arguments that go essentially like this:

She: You're never home. And when you are, your mind is elsewhere.

He: You don't appreciate how hard I work.

She: Hah! You don't appreciate how hard I work, either.

He: I have to pull those hours to make the money that keeps us afloat. Everybody else stays just as late. If I left early, I'd feel like a quitter.

She: If you had a heart attack and had to leave at 5:30 no matter what, you'd all adjust and the business would go on the same. We need you home. I need you, the kids need you.

He: I help out. I do a hell of a lot more than my dad ever did -- or yours.

She: So what? It's still less than you should be doing. When you're at work, I'm working, too, here at home. And when you do get home -- usually later than you promised! -- you read or watch TV and avoid helping. Plus you always have to be told what to do. I feel like it's all up to me. It's not my child, it's ours.

He: It wouldn't be all up to you if you would ever let me do things my way! And it's just for a few more years. I'm building up a nest egg that will be good for all of us. Can't you see that? Can't you just handle things meanwhile? What's so hard about that?

She: Of course I can handle it alone. But I don't want to. These are precious years. Your son will never be two again, or three or four. We can make more money later, but we can't ever get these years back. Besides, I don't know if we'll be able to get us back.

What Makes a Good Partnership?

A good partnership has these characteristics:

* Alignment -- Shared values about life, family, childrearing, the roles of mothers and fathers, and the involvement of the father in childrearing and housework; specific agreement about parenting practices, schedules, and finances; backing up each other with the kids

* Fairness -- A workload that is similar in its hours and stresses

* Ownership -- Shared, mutual responsibility for planning, worries, and important decisions

* Trust -- Agreements are kept or renegotiated; each person is reliable and sensible

* Communication -- Civility; empathy; emotional support; open, explicit, direct, authentic conversation; skillful negotiation.

The first four are about content: what gets done. The last one is about process: how parents talk with each other -- and it is probably the most important, because when a mother and father have good process, they can usually find a way to work out or live with whatever differences in content lie between them.

A good partnership is also flexible, pragmatic, and tolerant of differences. In particular:

* Alignment means largely shared values, not exact agreement on every point; it is a work in progress as new issues emerge, from getting an infant to sleep through the night to curfews in high school. Some differences in parenting styles are fine and prepare children for the various kinds of people who will be their teachers or supervisors. Even though it is generally a good idea to support each other in front of the kids, sometimes a tactful intervention is called for if the other parent is going overboard or losing control.

* Fairness allows for complementary roles: perhaps he does more yardwork and she more laundry. But beware the common pattern in which the mother's tasks are more unpredictable, emotionally charged, three-things-at-once, and continually interrupted while the father's are more contained, scheduled when he wants to do them, focused, and carried to completion; that makes her role more stressful.

* Ownership refers to the "Board of Directors" level of managing a family, and different boards function in different ways. For example, if both parents agree to it, it is fine if the mother is the one who keeps in mind many of the details of the children's lives (the common arrangement), as long as she feels that her husband is mentally and emotionally engaged and helpful when she wants to talk about something. The mother may also take leadership and initiative for more family matters (such as relationships with friends and relatives or the kids' health) while the father shoulders more responsibility for making money, overlooking their savings or investments, and dealing with the cars -- another common way of doing things. But dads need to let themselves worry about the things their wives worry about; when we are bothered about something, it is upsetting to feel that we are the only one who has that concern. And fathers also need to take leadership about some aspects of raising their children, such as religious or character education, school placement, or homework.

* Trust can be recreated if a promise is not kept. We all blow it sometimes. But trust is fragile and profoundly important in a marriage. It boils down to performance, not good intentions: Do you do what you say you are going to do at least 98% of the time? If you are impeccable and delivering the reasonable goods to your partner, you are on a much stronger footing to ask for what you want from him or her.

* Communication means a lively, real process that inevitably has some misunderstandings, heated arguments, breakdowns and deadlocks. Good arguments have a kind of trajectory in which the parties begin with disagreement and misunderstanding and emotional heat, yet conclude with a common plan, clarity about where each stands, and peace between them. The crux is where things end up, not where they start.

Assessment of Your Partnership

Different couples have different kinds of partnerships. By understanding your strengths and weaknesses as a team, you can build on what works well and start shoring up what could use some improvement.

Please take a look at the assessment in the box. You and your partner can fill it out individually and then talk about it, or you alone could do it. If each of you do the assessment, we have some suggestions about how to talk about it from our own, sometimes bumpy, experience:

* First, focus on the experience of yourself and your partner, rather than disagreements about how each other acts, the circumstances, justifications, or what to do. It is hard to argue about how you feel; no one can tell us what our feelings are or what it's like for us when something happens.

* Second, try to resolve what the facts are. Do not get bogged down in disagreements about what happened the past. Rather, start tracking what the facts are right now. For example, if there is a question about who is doing what, for a week each person can keep a log of his or her activities: this is usually very eye-opening, and we will say more about this exercise in future columns.

* Third, each person should make at least one agreement about how he or she could be a better partner. Try to focus more on what you could do better than on any grievances you may have with your partner.

Developing Good Communication

In future columns, we will describe how to develop good communication, starting with civility and empathy. Then we will show how to use those skills to work on the specific issues of alignment, fairness, ownership, and trust many couples have.

* * * * *

Assessment of Your Partnership

Please consider the past month. Unless otherwise indicated, please mark the questions below using the following scale: 0 Not at all or very little 1 Somewhat 2 Very much

When you are done, take a look at the overall picture. Are there many more "2's" than "1's" and "0's"? Also look at specific questions: Where are the zeros? (Note that this scoring is reversed in the negative characteristics section of the COMMUNICATION part, where high scores are a problem.)

Also consider where you and your partner view things very differently, especially if one person's score is a "0" while the other's is a "2." In these cases, you might agree to rate the question on a daily or weekly basis, both to come together on how you rate things as well as to have things go better from now on.

ALIGNMENT

How much do you and your partner have similar values about:

Life? ______ The importance of family? ______ How to raise children? ______ The involvement of the father in childrearing? ______ In housework? ______

How much do you and your partner agree about childrearing:

Sleeping? ______ Eating? ______ Discipline? ______ Daily routines? ______ School and homework? ______ TV, Nintendo, computer games? ______

Religious instruction? ______ Allowances and money? ______ Friends? ______ Handling squabbles between siblings? ______ After school activities? ______ Sexuality? ______ Drugs and alcohol? ______

Supporting each other with the kids? ______

Balance of nurturing and challenging children? ______

Your tone of voice? ______

How much do you and your partner act in agreement about:

Spending money? ______ When to get home from work? ______

How to spend time in the evenings or weekends? ______

FAIRNESS

When you add up everything you each do, including tending to children, scheduling activities, housework, managing family affairs, or going to a job, do you and your partner have the same total workload? ______

If not, about how many hours each week is one partner "on task" more than the other: _____________ hours.

Considering all of the activities you each engage in, is your stress level about the same? ______

OWNERSHIP

How much do you and your partner share responsibility for the children's:

Health? ______ Schooling? ______ Physical development? ______

Psychological development? ______ Moral or religious development? ______

Relationships with friends? ______ With siblings? ______

How much do you and your partner share responsibility for:

Making enough money? ______ Bookkeeping and paying the bills? ______ Paperwork? ______ Tax returns? ______ Home maintenance? ______

Figuring out insurance or loans? ______ Planning vacations? ______

Relationships with relatives? ______ With friends and others? ______

Other important decisions? ______

How engaged are you with your partner's worries and concerns? ______

How engaged is your partner with your worries and concerns? ______

TRUST

How much do you and your partner keep your agreements with each other about:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Parenting? ______ Housework? ______ Time home from work? ______

Spending time together? ______ Spending money? ______

Romantic or sexual behavior? ______ Other matters? ______

COMMUNICATION

How much do you and your partner communicate with each other in a way that is:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Civil? ______ Explicit, direct, and clear? ______ Authentic? ______ Open? ______

On topic? ______ Accurate? ______ Aimed at a resolution? ______

Positive in tone? ______ Warm or friendly? ______

Understanding or empathic? ______ Light-hearted or humorous? ______

Appreciative or complimentary? ______ Affectionate? ______

Supportive? ______ Helpful? ______

How much do you and your partner communicate with each other in a way that is:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Critical? ______ Complaining? ______ Irritated, resentful, or angry? ______

Blaming? ______ Inflammatory in language? ______ Disdainful? ______

Exaggerated? ______ Wandering off topic? ______ Defensive? ______

Hinting or indirect? ______ Confused, murky? ______ Guarded? ______

Inauthentic, putting on a mask, hard to read? ______ Cold? ______

Aimed more at proving your point than at a resolution? ______

How well do you and your partner negotiate your disagreements? ______

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True Love

2009-11-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

Len and I are doing OK; for one, we don't argue as much as we used to. But something is still missing, some spark that used to be there. We're pleasant with each other and still make love but that whole deep connection thing we had before kids has really faded.

The heart is full of mysteries. Sometimes two people seem like they're just an inch away from falling in love again - but somehow it never quite clicks and they keep on slowly drifting apart. And another couple seems so distant and battle-weary that their hearts for each other are stony ground - yet somehow seeds of love take hold and their caring for each other grows back like green grass in the spring. You never know, and there are no guarantees.

# Nonetheless, you can increase your odds dramatically of cherishing and care and fondness refilling the empty spaces in your relationship. First, consider the foundation of your marriage: As individuals, are you each experiencing reasonable health and well-being?
# As a couple, are you communicating well, with civility, empathy, authenticity, and skillful problem-solving?
# Are you working well as teammates in the amazing and demanding endeavor of raising a family?
# Are you making room for your relationship, with some regular conversation, time to yourselves without children, and routine affection that's not sexual?

If you can answer "yes" to all four of these questions, you're in good shape to head into the deeper, wonderful waters of loving intimacy. And if not, then you know just where the work needs to be done. To do it, you could take a look at our book, Mother Nurture, which focuses on those four questions. And consider using a therapist if you are getting stuck on your own; your relationship is too important to your kids and to yourselves to give it anything less than all the help it needs!

Second, in the deep end of the pool, you and your partner can each try to develop these three things, and even if it's mostly up to you, on your own you can make a profound difference in your relationship:
# Relational presence - This sounds fancy, but it means simply that very natural quality of really being with the other person. Think about a person who seemed quite distracted when speaking with you . . . and then think about a person who seemed open and really there with you, deeply accepting, deeply receptive. Notice the difference? Being open and present can feel a little scary at first, so we tend to step back and close up, like drawing a curtain over the heart. But try to relax and allow the other person's communication to flow through you, like wind through the leaves of a tree, and be aware that you're actually just fine, that it's alright to be that open. Practice this quality of relational presence and see what happens. (And it's a great way to be with children, too.)

# Delivering fondness - Caring, interest, cherishing, sweetness, appreciation, friendliness, affection - these are all specific kinds of self-expression in a relationship. They are real, and you can deliver them or not to your partner, and vice versa. Think of them as relationship supplies. What kind of deliveries has your partner been making to you lately? What sort of deliveries have you been making to him?

In most couples, each partner could send more packages of fondness without it getting phony. Yes, it takes some deliberate thought, but what you are expressing is truly inside you - it's really how you feel, deep down, about your mate. So it's sincere . . . and actually extra loving because you are caring enough to make the extra effort to reach down and pull it up and deliver it.

Try to make fondness concrete. For example, determine to touch your partner affectionately three times a day. Or give one real compliment. Or look at him or her in a loving way. Or say goodbye or hello with genuine friendliness. You probably have a pretty good idea already of what your spouse likes - and if not, why not ask? And it's perfectly fine to let him or her know what sort of fondness you'd love to receive, yourself.

# Landing in your heart - Behind the eyes of your mate, there's a person there just like there's an inner being behind the eyes that are reading these words. When your partner is talking about matters of any importance at all, see if you can sense into his or her inner self -- and let the concerns and needs and hopes and feelings of that person really register inside you. That way, you'll get to the essence of the matter, the real stakes for your partner, what it's all most deeply about. Knowing that essence, you won't get distracted by side issues, including the murky or cranky or off-putting way that things may have been expressed. You'll be able to zero in to the crux and respond to it -- which is only good for you and your partner and your marriage and your family.

On the other side of the table, the other person will really feel heard, that he (let's say) has landed with a soft welcome in your heart. That makes people relax, and open up themselves. . . to you.

In conclusion, what each of us really wants to know is whether we matter to the other person; that's vastly more important than getting our way with some point we're trying to make. We want to know that they care enough to show up and be present . . . to be nice and sweet and keep the supply train of fondness pulling up to our station . . . and to be moved by our needs and let us land - thump! - in their heart. That's what we want to know. And when you feel that you matter like that to another, the day-to-day grumpy grievances of late dinners and forgotten errands and missed sexual signals and toilet seats left up and getting scolded for something and all the other similar bruises of daily life with family can be managed as local irritants that really don't mean much at all.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Speaking from Your Heart

2009-11-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have to walk around on eggshells with my husband and his family: If I'm not VERY careful, they get upset and either blame themselves or me or both. But the result is I have all this stuff bottled up inside.

There are natural concerns about really saying what's on your mind, what's in your heart. Sometimes, it's appropriate to be careful, like with someone who's vulnerable, or to stay out of a rage, or if there is any whiff of possible partner abuse. But more often than not, the reasons are not so enlightened. We're holding back simply because we're scared, or uncomfortable with feelings in general, or acting out gender training (boys don't cry, girls shouldn't be pushy), or transferring patterns from childhood (e.g., fear of a stern father).

So how can you help yourself communicate authentically and skillfully - so that the outside you show the world more closely matches your insides? Think of the questions below as a kind of checklist; you may have most of them covered already, but there could also be some helpful suggestions. (We've starred a few that are especially important.)

Inside Yourself
Are your intentions good? Fundamentally, is your purpose benign - or punishing, vengeful, argumentative, or mean-spirited?

Are you committed to discovering and saying what is true? Rather than just arguing your case, or keeping things veiled and foggy?

** Can you take responsibility for your own experience? This means knowing that different people experience the same situation in different ways, that your reactions to the world are filtered and shaped by your own psychology. It means saying hard things, but not accusing or blaming others.

Do you know in your bones that the other person is separate from you, differentiated, over there while you're over here? That just because they're upset doesn't necessarily mean you're implicated? That their feelings do not have to become your own?

Do you know that the other person may not understand you? That your nature might be quite different from his temperament or personality, so that he needs your help in understanding you?

Can you stand not being agreed with, understood, or joined with? Can you risk that?

When You Speak
Can you restrain yourself? Can you listen without interrupting, modulate anger, keep a civil tongue, hold back the impulse to hit or break things or otherwise lash out?

Can you stay centered in a self-respecting, self-sufficient dignity?

Can you talk about talking - about what might need to happen for it to be safe to communicate? Can you talk about how you and the other person interact? Being able to comment on your "process" is a great way to set a foundation that is comfortable, and ease into difficult topics.

** Can you communicate for yourself, to speak your truth for its own sake, not to affect the other person or get a result from them? When you do this, you may have a little attention on trying to be skillful and civil, but mainly your awareness is within yourself and your sense of the other person recedes to the background.

** Can you share your experience, both the surface and the depths? Of course, doing this requires being aware of the deeper layers, including the younger material that's often stirred up when there's anything important. But remember that your experience is a kind of refuge: you're the expert on it and it has its own validity: no one can argue with you about it!

** Can you be in touch with your experience while you speak it, so it's in your eyes and throat and chest, rather than reporting on it like a journalist sending dispatches from a distant country?

Can you say the positive as well as the negative? It's often not anger or reproach that's hardest to express, but cherishing, needing, and love.

Can you stay on topic, keeping your eye on the prize, on whatever it is you want to communicate, rather than getting sucked into side issues?

Can you appreciate the other person for listening?

When the Other Person Responds
Can you let it in when he agrees with you, is empathic or supportive? If she gives you what you want, can you move on?

Can you admit it when you're not clear, or if some emotional mud got mixed up with the clear water of your truth?

Can you re-group and clarify things if the other person misunderstands you? Can you come back to your experience, your truth, if the other person denies or attacks your experience - or you?

Can you give the other person the kind of listening that you'd like to receive?

* * *
If you can answer yes to most of these questions most of the time, you've got the best possible odds of having a great relationship. And no matter what the other person does - which is, ultimately, outside your control - communicating your truth, from your heart, for yourself, feels good in itself, makes you feel strong and dignified, increases your self-knowledge, and lets you know that they know exactly how you really feel.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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