Translating Mom-Speak and Dad-Speak

In relationships, women generally tend to focus on feeling connected, while men are sensitive to status and dominance. For instance, a mother could think her husband will welcome her knowledge because he wants to come together with her in raising their children. Yet he could interpret her parenting tips as condescending or controlling. Similarly, in conversation, women emphasize the process of being together, concrete consequences for specific people, and feelings, while men tend to emphasize tasks and outcomes, impersonal perspectives, and information. Each gender style is valid, like it's valid to be Italian or Swedish. Skill with the other gender's style lets you shift gears effectively, depending on what's needed. It's completely alright - and often necessary! - to ask your partner to communicate with you in a way that's closer to what you need as a woman. For example, a man who is skillful at "mom-speak" can:

* Accept your feelings instead of trying to talk you out of them; hear you out instead of trying to solve the problem
* Ask questions about your thoughts and feelings; ask three or more questions in a row (and not "How am I doing?"!)
* Nod, smile, make eye contact, say "yeah" frequently, etc. to let you know he's with you; encourage you to say more; focus on the conversation going well more than any practical outcome
* Let himself be moved emotionally; express an empathic understanding; offer relevant self-disclosure
* Understand that your (often greater) expertise about the children is not a threat but an asset for him and the family; be confident enough in his own parenting to ask for suggestions or help
* Realize that you need to ask him questions about his schedule, whereabouts, or plans in order to coordinate with him, not to be bossy; recognize that you are not trying to control him
* Be willing to talk about problems instead of thinking they might reveal an embarrassing flaw; realize that raising a family means one trouble after another
* Recognize that you need to be able to talk about your children or marriage with close friends
* Above all, communicate that he cares about you and wants to stay connected

And a woman who is skillful "dad-speak" can:

* Pay attention to her husband's reactions to issues of power, dominance, and status; be careful about orders, put-downs, or ultimatums
* "Knock before entering" by asking him if this is a good time to talk (he should name another one if it isn't)
* Explain the principles, values, or goals that guide her thinking; be direct about what she wants
* Consider sometimes listening as one man would to another, with less of the chiming in and personal statements she might use with another woman
* Understand that he may not feel his passing thoughts are worth sharing, so his quiet does not necessarily mean that he is not listening; understand that he may regard personal questions as potentially intrusive, so his lack of inquiry into her world could be respectful rather than uncaring
* Realize that his detached verbal style does not mean he wants to distance himself from his wife
* Recognize that his debate-style challenges are to him fair play in an ongoing interaction, not a personal attack: more like a strong move to the hoop than walking off the court
* Be judicious in what she says about him or her family to others
* Above all, communicate respect for his autonomy; make it clear that she is simply trying to work together as equal partners in the best interests of the children

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Talking About Parental Values

Parents often work out their differences informally, but sometimes, you'd benefit from a process that's a little more structured.
Try to set aside time to talk about the values that guide your parenting, using the questions below. This should be an empathic exploration of how each of you feels rather than an attempt to change anyone's mind. Really try to understand how your partner came to feel the way he does, and encourage him to do the same.

How you approach being a parent:
What does it mean to you to be a parent?
If parenthood were pie divided into four slices‹direct child rearing, housework, coordinating with each other, and providing for the family‹how big is each slice for you?
How does your personality affect your parenting?
How has becoming a parent changed you as a person?

How you want to raise a child: What do you think are the most important things to give a child the age of our own?
From your own life experiences, what do you feel are important personal characteristics you'd like to see our child develop? What are the top three or four? Is there a number one?
There are three central aspects to parenting: nurturing, disciplining, and supporting learning and achievement. Is there one that's most important to you? If a parent can be high, medium, or low on each aspect, how do you think you should be?
What do you wish your mom had done differently? Your dad? How has that affected the kind of parent you want to be?
How did your parents work out their differences in parenting styles? How has that experience affected the ways that you approach working out differences with me?

Your values in action:
Do any of your values related to raising a family pull in different directions?
How do you feel you have been able to act consistently with your values as a parent? How do you feel you have not?
How do you feel you have become more skillful as a parent? How would you like to become more skillful in the future?

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Resolving Quarrels

Disagreements and grievances are normal in any relationship, whether it's between a mom and dad, or between two nations or peoples. All too often, though, they get out of hand, leading to hurt feelings, anger, and lashing out.
Your best chance of resolving a quarrel is to do the four things below, even if you just do them yourself. If your partner participates, all the better! But waiting for the other person to do the right thing only leads to gridlock - so your best bet is to take steps yourself, unilaterally if necessary, because that is the best way to evoke good behavior from the other person, take his issues with you off the table, and let you take your stand on the high moral ground.

1. Protect yourself - Anticipate situations in which you are likely to be let down by the other person, and try to avoid them by developing more support from elsewhere, like other moms. Eliminate abusive or inflammatory language by not using it yourself; instead, try to stay calm, be civil, and speak with good intent. Ask your partner to do the same, and if necessary, let him know that you will withdraw from the conversation if he speaks to you in a way that is out of line. Stop fights from escalating by agreeing in advance that either of you can call time out. And if there is any possibility of violent or threatening behavior, contact a therapist, woman's shelter, or the police.

2. Assert your needs - Get a reality check on the validity of your needs or issues by talking with people you trust who love and support you. Sort out any over-reactions on your part, and then get serious and determined about the legitimate needs that remain. Identify the specific behaviors from your partner that would address them - both his outward actions and his internal attitudes and intentions.
Then find ways to tell him what you want (while reminding yourself that what you want is legitimate!), such as in ordinary conversation, or by writing a note, leaving a message at work, talking in a neutral place like a restaurant, or involving a third party like a mutual friend, a minister, or a therapist. Stay on your topic and agree to address his issues later. Do not muddy the water by bringing in unrelated grievances, getting overly emotional, or overwhelming him with words. Be direct, succinct, matter of fact, and self-controlled.
Use genuine humor and warmth to lift the mood. Build on any positive moves he makes by being positive yourself and acknowledging progress toward getting what you want. State your understanding of how you each are saying things will be from now on; write them down if that's clarifying.

3. Extend the hand of reconciliation - The fastest, most direct way to get another person to behave better and be nicer is to find out what his complaints are and then do everything reasonable to make them go away. It's not easy, it's the road less travelled, but it's the way that works best of all.
Find out what you could do, concretely and specifically, that would make him feel better about the situations that bother him, or your life in general. Try to set aside your own reactions to answer three questions for yourself: In what ways am I at fault here and should make changes? Separate from being at fault, in what ways could I be more skillful? And separate from matters of fault or skill, how could I simply be more giving or gracious? Then take action steadfastly - with dignity and self-respect, with a sense of choosing to act rather than being forced into anything - to implement the answers to these questions.

4. Be compassionate - This one is listed last because it's probably the hardest one to do, but it's actually the most important of all. Everyone suffers in some way, and you can see the suffering inside another person any time you look - just like he or she can see it inside of you. He's hurting, and that pain is fuelling his quarrel with you.
By understanding his stresses, anxiety, frustrations, anger, and losses better, you will have more perspective on why he's acting the way he does, and you will be more able to work things out with him peacefully. Also, he will sense your good intentions, and that will draw more understanding and compassion out of him. We all live under the same roof - whether it's the one over your kitchen or it's the thin skin of blue sky covering our precious planet - and compassion for the difficult parts of everyone's life is the foundation of being able to live together.

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Asking for Empathy

My husband's good at solving problems, but I wish he listened better when I want to share how I'm feeling or talk about our relationship. Is there something I could ask him to do?

All of us could probably get better at empathy, but men in particular tend to be raised in our society to focus on facts and solutions rather than feelings and relationships. If approached with respect (and some empathy as well), many fathers welcome a gentle suggestion about what to actually do in order to be more empathic. One dad actually asked his partner to give him a list of questions to ask her, and this is what she came up with:

Can you say more about ____________?

What do you mean when you say _____________?

Can you give me an example?

How was it for you that ___________?

How did you react when he told you about _____________?

Could you say it in a different way so I can understand it?

How mad were you? (Or worried, hurt, alarmed, sad, etc.)

What was the most upsetting part? (The most irritating? The most worrisome?)

What do you wish would have happened instead?

What do you feel underneath all that?

Did you also feel hurt (or embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, etc.)?

What does ___________ remind you of?

How does the history of __________ affect how you feel about __________?

Deep down, what is really bothering you about ___________?

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Sharing the Load

What Load?
The amount of mental and physical work that comes with children is staggering. It ranges from figuring out what color to paint the new baby's bedroom while you're pregnant to -- eighteen years later -- helping him pack for college.

This work comes in three essential forms:

* Tasks -- These are all the specific things you do to raise a child and manage a home, such as walking a baby, washing clothes, settling a squabble between siblings, balancing a checkbook, arranging a playdate, making a living, or talking with a teacher.
* Stresses -- Besides your concrete actions, the work of raising a family includes the wear and tear on your mind and body. From the hormonal gyrations of pregnancy to the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence -- with just a few tantrums, trips to the emergency room, and questions about body-piercing in between -- parenthood as a package will be the most stressful experience of most people's lives.
* Responsibilities -- Children live in your heart and weigh on your mind. You worry about what to do with the latest ear infection, which school is best, or why your daughter's so-called friends seem so mean. The consequences of your decisions can be monumental: literally, the health and welfare of an innocent child. Yet the nature of parenting is learning on the fly, scrambling to deal with one weird situation after another that you've never seen before. No wonder you want a true partner, someone to bounce things off of, someone you can lean on from time to time, someone who takes it all as seriously as you do.

Who Carries It?
These days "the village it takes to raise a child" often looks like a ghost town, without the supportive networks of relatives and neighbors that helped families in past generations, the social context in which humans evolved to raise children over several million years. As a result, the work of making a family today falls mainly on the shoulders of just two people: mom and dad. (Or even worse, onto just one parent, a single mother or father.) That's already more than they are meant to carry, pushing them out of Condition Green into Condition Yellow even when they have a strong partnership. The best they can do is to find ways to swim skillfully upstream against the currents of modern life that push pervasively against the needs of their family.
And if either does less than his or her share, the other one is shoved toward Condition Red: more things to do, less sleep, more stress, less time to eat right, more health problems, more guilt over not keeping every single ball in the air every second, more loneliness, more dismay and resentment and anger. Compounding things, the parent who is dropping his or her end of the log may have the audacity to wonder, "Why don't we ever talk/go to the movies/make love any more?"
Many couples share the tasks, stresses, and responsibilities of making a family evenly and fairly, swimming upstream with tenacity, skill, and grace. But that's the exception. Unfortunately, the rule tilts mainly against mothers:

* Tasks -- The average mother works altogether fifteen to twenty hours more per week than the father of her children, whether she is drawing a paycheck or not. It's not hard to get there: an hour in the morning, an hour at night, a few hours on each weekend day . . . it adds up pretty fast.
* Stresses -- Tending to young children, hour after hour, is more stressful than most jobs, as shown by the fact that mothers who stay home generally have worse health than those who place their kids in child care and go off to the workplace. Therefore, if mom stays home while dad goes off to work, her day is usually more stressful than his, unless he does something like air traffic control or undercover police work.
Even if both parents spend about the same amount of time doing tasks, the mother typically does high-stress things that are emotionally charged, constantly interrupted, require juggling several balls at once, and deal with factors that are often outside her control such as a child's health. The father, on the other hand, often gets to do more peaceful tasks that he can schedule at will and carry to completion.
* Responsibilities -- It is striking that, for all the advances for women in the workplace over the past thirty years, little has changed at the "Board of Directors" level in most families: it is still usually mom, not dad, who does most of the worrying, planning, and problem-solving where the children are concerned. It's lonely at the top of the typical American family, particularly since there is rarely a community of supportive mothers who can fill some of the vacuum of leadership left by many fathers.

Sometimes a father will work sixty or seventy hours each week, including business travel, and then (in the best case) help as much as he can on evenings and weekends. The problem is that his job is like an elephant in the living room, crowding out his children or wife. Then everyone loses. Children grow up with a subtle sense of fatherlessness. The dad misses out on a special time that will never be repeated, trading it for career pushes that could be postponed a few years in most cases. The mom becomes a de facto single parent. And if this goes on for more than a year or so, some spouses may be able to maintain a deeply intimate marriage, working around the elephant, but frankly, we've never seen it.

Clear Facts
The issues around sharing the load are often so charged that the best place to begin is by clarifying the facts. Then you have a solid foundation for establishing clear principles and agreements.
If you and your partner disagree about the facts, we suggest that you simply track, for at least a few days and ideally for a week, who does what and for how much time. Just jot down each day how you each spent your time, compare notes, and (presumably) agree on the facts of that day. Obviously, if your partner suddenly becomes an angel once the spotlight is on, you can comment on that. You could also suggest continuing to track time for a month or two, which would have one of three outcomes, all of which are good: (A) you might discover that you've had a better partner than you thought, (B) his or her true colors would be revealed over time if he/she could not sustain the miraculous transformation, or (C) what started as an exercise in looking good could become a habit.
You could each also make note of the stresses you experienced that day as well as the sense of responsibility you felt for planning, worrying, and problem-solving.
At the end of the period, compare notes. Try to agree on what the basic facts are. If you can't, and the issues are significant, consider involving a third party as a kind of tie-breaker. For instance, A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks has counselors that can help you and your partner mediate disagreements about sharing the load and come up with practical solutions.

Clear Principles
At bottom, the issues of sharing the load are moral ones. Here are some of the central issues, raised as questions, with some answers as points of departure for you to come up with your own:

* What is in the best interests of my children? Among other things, it is to have parents who respect and support each other, and share equally the tasks, stresses, and responsibilities of raising a family. It is fine to do different things, such as he does the dishes while she reads the stories. But significant inequities poison the well of a family.
* What do I owe my partner? That my burdens are, in the main, no less than his or hers.
* Is raising children as important as making a living? No. It's more important. And generally harder.
* Will I act according to these values? It's not easy. But I need to try.

When your principles are clear, and when you can communicate them with dignity and gravity, you are much more likely to win the cooperation you yearn for from your partner. You are entitled to bring a moral seriousness to discussions of sharing the load, and to confront broken agreements for what they are, breaches of trust that erode the foundation of any important relationship.
Over the years, we have heard various objections to sharing the load fairly that we would like to anticipate and address. It's unfortunate, but when it comes to inequities, there is no way to avoid talking about views expressed mainly by fathers, thus the gendered nature of these sample conversations:

* I do more than my dad did -- That's wonderful honey. But so what? Unfairness is unfairness. Just like you did not marry my mother, I did not marry your father.
* You can't pin me down so much, things change -- If you had a colleague at work who said one thing but did another as often as you do at home, how would you feel and what would you do? You would probably feel let down and frustrated, and you would tell the person that there needed to be changes in the way he/she was acting. It's the same here.
* My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home -- Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine that, for twelve hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, I'm the one who should be heading for a bubble bath right now.
* I make the money, so you should handle the housework and kids -- I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money (or driving to work, etc.). I'm talking about what you do when you're not making money. It's not fair for me to keep working, pulling a "second shift," while you watch TV, read the paper, or fiddle with the Internet. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you were pounding away at your job? I bet you'd be resentful and eager for them to do their share . . . which is exactly how I feel. Beyond fairness, where are your principles? You wanted children and now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend.

Clear Agreements
Once you come together on basic principles, agreements about practical actions usually follow. It's pretty straightforward when you share a similar outlook. For example, it took a while when our kids were little, but we finally realized that we had to check in with each other about how we spent our time. We created a basic schedule that guided our week even if we never stuck to it perfectly. And we made some loose agreements about who would generally do what. We still became ticked off at each other sometimes, but we kept hammering away at our differences and resolved most of them over time. Many, many parents have done just the same.

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Parenting from the Same Page

It's Hard to Be on the Same Page . . .
One mother told us this story: "I feel that Angelina, our 5-year-old, should watch only an hour of TV per day. My husband mumbles "OK, honey,' but when I leave the house I come back to see her glued to the tube while he reads a book/pays bills/etc. And it's not just TV: I say no sweets, he says "just a couple." I say no spanking, he thinks a swat is OK. I say bed by 8,'but that means I've got to do it. I read books about parenting and he reads the sports pages. I'm afraid that we are confusing our daughter plus driving each other crazy."
This situation is really common. Parents often have very different values about how to raise children. The water gets muddied further with issues about power and who gets to be "right." And there isn't the cultural consensus that existed in times past when we raised our children in more homogeneous communities in which most people saw the world in pretty much the same way.

. . . But It's Important
Nonetheless, children get confused when their parents approach them in different ways. Kids then don't know who to believe, or they have to switch gears, depending on who they're dealing with. It's also more likely that your children will try to play you and your partner off against each other: "But dad said I could!"
Disagreements about childrearing also breed quarrels between parents. It is frustrating, disheartening, and maddening when your partner approaches what is to you the most important undertaking in your life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.
Minor differences in parenting style are OK. They help children prepare for the reality that teachers vary in their approaches, or one boss is strict while another is laid back. Therefore, we should not micro-manage our partner, or get dogmatic or self-righteous. But major differences are a problem.
To solve it, the first step is to pin down exactly what the differences are.

The Parenting Styles Assessment
Take a moment to fill out the questionnaire below about the parenting values and actions of yourself and your partner. Each of you may want to fill it out; either photocopy it or use different color pens. Skip questions that are irrelevant to your situation. Score each question in this way:
1 We mainly disagree
2 We somewhat disagree
3 We somewhat agree
4 We mainly agree

Values -- The importance of . . .
_______ . . . being sensitive and responsive to your children
_______ . . . respecting the wants of your children
_______ . . . preventing the discomfort or unhappiness of your children
_______ . . . promoting the optimal psychological development of your children
_______ . . . encouraging and accepting the emotional expression of your children
_______ . . . religious upbringing
_______ . . . personally interacting with your children
_______ . . . physical affection toward your children
_______ . . . being polite toward relatives
_______ . . . being polite toward adults in general
_______ . . . studying hard and doing well in school

Actions
_______ Where your children sleep
_______ Bedtimes
_______ How your children are put to bed
_______ How you deal with your children if they wake up at night
_______ How long to breastfeed
_______ How many sweets your children are allowed to eat
_______ How many snacks your children are allowed to eat
_______ Expectations for children's behavior at mealtimes
_______ How much TV or video your children are allowed to watch
_______ What sort of TV shows, videos, or movies your children are allowed to watch
_______ How much time your children are allowed to spend with Nintendo or computer games
_______ How much allowance to give
_______ How many toys to buy kids
_______ Use of swats or spanking for discipline
_______ Yelling at the kids when they misbehave
_______ Other consequences for misbehavior
_______ What to do when a child has a tantrum
_______ How to intervene when siblings quarrel with each other
_______ How to intervene when your child quarrels with each other child
_______ Other consequences for misbehavior
_______ What a parent should do if he or she has made a mistake with a child

Add up your total score. There are thirty-two questions altogether. (If you skipped some questions, just adjust the ranges below downwards.) Here is a rough estimate of the degree to which you and your partner parent from the same page:
100 - 128 You and your partner are raising your children in a very consistent way.
70 - 99 You and your partner agree more than you disagree. But there could be some significant disagreements.
50 - 69 You and your partner have major differences in how you approach childrearing.
Below 50 You and your partner are parenting from different books.

Now What??!
If there were major differences between you and your partner in the questionnaire above, try not to be discouraged: some differences are normal, and you can probably work them out.
For starters, take a look back over the previous six issues of The Family News, which contained our suggestions about how to communicate and negotiate effectively with your partner. (Please contact A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks if you need back issues, at 415/492-0720.)

Begin with Values
The way we parent is shaped by how we think we ought to parent. So that's where a mother and father should begin to come together.
Some differences in nuance or prioritization of values are inevitable, but serious conflicts in values confuse children and create marital conflicts. Thankfully, your discussion of values can be more based on facts than could be the discussions your own parents -- let alone grandparents -- had, because in the past thirty years, there has been a lot of really excellent research on child development and parenting.
The super-brief summary of those scientific studies is that optimal child development is promoted by:

* Highly loving, affectionate, and nurturing parenting
* Sensitive and rapid responsiveness to the wants of children, especially young ones
* An emotional atmosphere in the home that is generally positive
* Expectations for age-appropriate behavior by children (many parenting books or your pediatrician can describe what is age-appropriate)
* Expectations that a child achieve academically up to his potential
* Active discussion and modeling by parents of good moral values
* Clear standards for behavior
* Consistent rewards for good behavior and penalties for poor behavior
* The absence of harsh, erratic, physically or emotionally abusive parenting practices

Armed with these facts, we suggest these steps for resolving any differences in parenting values:
#1 Acknowledge where you already agree about parenting values.
#2 Define clearly where you disagree or are not sure you agree. Say back to each other what you think the other person's values are in the areas where you disagree.
#3 See if you can agree on the list of facts about parenting above, or a similar list from another source such as Berry Brazelton or Penelope Leach. (We suggest you be leery of sources who seem to have a political axe to grind or who do not cite research studies.) See if agreement on the facts of childrearing can narrow your disagreement.
#4 Discuss, with empathy and respect, the childhood or life experiences that have shaped your values in these areas of disagreement. For example, you could explore the worldview that, perhaps, leads one parent to want to "toughen up" the children while the other one sees a world that is safe enough for less of an armored personality. Use that conversation to find where you might actually have common ground, rather than a disagreement.
#5 Discuss if it's possible to accept whatever differences in values remain:

* Your different values might be complementary to each other, rather than in conflict: for instance, a value on being nurturing also supports the value of independence by giving children the sense of a safe base from which they can explore.
* Different values can often coexist, even if one parent puts a higher priority on some than the other parent does. Would it work for one of you to be more the representative of a value in your family than the other parent? For example, in our family, Rick puts a little higher value on orderliness than does Jan, while she puts more of a value than he does on the kids not eating much sugar. We don't sabotage each other, although we each privately think the other one goes a little too far!

#6 Discuss if you can make some kind of deal in which one person's value rules in one area of your family, while the other person's value governs in another area. Hypothetically, you could agree to support your partner in prodding the kids to work hard in school if he agrees to lighten up about the way the house looks.
#7 If, after these steps, significant conflicts in values remain, consider using a third party as a kind of referee or "tie-breaker." A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks has a good counseling center, and there are plenty of other therapists around as well.

Finish with Actions
Now that you have clarified and narrowed any differences about values, you can tackle differences about parenting practices. The steps are similar, so we'll describe them more briefly:
#1 Acknowledge all the ways you are already parenting consistently.
#2 Define clearly where you are (or would like to) parent in different ways. Pin down the disagreement: rather than saying, "You're totally permissive about sweets," say "I'm willing for the kids to have dessert at dinner but you're willing for them to snack in the afternoon, too." Say back to each other what you think the other person's position is to make sure it is understood.
#3 Discuss with your partner how your views about how parents should act are linked to your values. With empathy and respect, try to explore any apparent inconsistencies -- especially within yourself! -- between actions and values. See if this discussion can narrow your disagreement.
#4 Discuss, with empathy and respect, the childhood or life experiences that you associate to the parenting practices that you differ on. These can add emotional intensity to disagreements, and cloud your perceptions and thinking.
#5 Discuss if it's possible to accept whatever differences in practices remain:

* Your different practices might be complementary to each other, rather than in conflict.
* Different practices can often coexist. For example, it's not the end of the world if the kids know that one parent is a softer touch than the other one when it comes to some extra pocket money.
* Put the different practices in perspective: Are they that big a deal? Are they worth straining your marriage? Are they harming your kids?

#6 Discuss if you can make some kind of deal in which you accept a practice of your partner if he will go along with one of yours.
#7 If, after these steps, significant conflicts in practices remain, consider using a third party as a kind of referee or "tie-breaker." Besides using a therapist, you and your partner could read a book such as Positive Discipline or Raising Your Spirited Child, and mark where you disagree with the book; the remaining, unmarked parts become the standards to which you agree.

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Parents Are Negotiators

Through our professional experiences and personal lessons, we've found that a cooperative parental partnership has three key qualities: communication, negotiation, and effective problem-solving.

Past columns have explored communication, including civil and empathic ways of speaking, how to give emotional support, and being open and direct. In the next few columns, we will present effective ways to bridge disagreements, create workable compromises, establish accountability, and follow through on promises -- in short, how two parents can negotiate well with each other.

The Bad News
Parents need to learn how to negotiate for a simple reason: The average couple has eight times as many arguments after children arrive. As the conflicts and disappointments mount up, trust is replaced by doubt and guardedness. You once stood at the altar thinking you could place your life in your partner's hands. Now you can find yourself eyeing him or her as an unreliable character who must be cajoled or corralled into reasonable and helpful behavior. And there's a fair chance that's how your partner is looking at you.

Issues related to parenting last as long as kids do, so if they are not resolved, the same quarrel happens over and over, and the issue becomes sensitized. It's like running your fingernail over the same spot on the back of your hand: the first twenty times do not make much difference, but by the hundredth, there's a red welt and you want to jerk your hand away when the fingernail approaches. Relatively minor provocations then trigger major reactions, like a light bump to your hand that now really hurts.

Over time, positions harden. Since our partner is more defended, we figure we better bring the heavy artillery, which leads to thicker walls. Mistrust grows in vicious cycles. The fights get even worse.

The Good News
Happily, there are many effective ways to work out disagreements with your partner. In sum, here are nine effective steps:

1. Know what is wanted.
2: Be realistic.
3: Establish a favorable foundation.
4: Communicate wants.
5: Respect feelings.
6: Negotiate details.
7: Make commitments.
8: Address departures from your plan.
9: Revise as needed

Many excellent books have been written about negotiating in general (ie. Getting to Yes by Ury and Fisher) or for parents in particular (ie. Why Parents Disgree and What You Can Do About It by Taffel). In this limited space, we can best offer a brief summary.

Know What Is Wanted
All negotiating is about wants -- the territory of desires, goals, wishes, aims, purposes, values.

In order to get what you want, you need to know what it is. In order to support your partner, you need to know what he or she wants
Our wants are usually layered, like a parfait, with less important and fleeting desires on top and vital and enduring ones underneath. The deeper down you and your partner can get, the more satisfying and stable the resolution of your discussions will be.

We often have conflicting wants. Ambivalence is the normal state of affairs. We must balance our wants, and thus must think about how much we care about one desire compared to another.

It is very helpful to give specific examples of how things will be if you get what you want. Your partner now knows concretely what to do, and you will know if it gets done.

Have a fall-back position: what will you do if the other person does not do what you want or agree to some reasonable compromise?

Be Realistic
The deepest wants sometimes arise from a very young place within us, and are unfortunately unattainable today. We should be compassionate toward them, but realistic.

Is a want really attainable? Even if it could be fulfilled, is that wise? What will it take, what are the costs to fulfill it? Will fulfilling it lead to any negative consequences?

Establish a Favorable Foundation
If possible, try to create a context of mutual rapport, empathy, and good wishes before communicating any wants.

Choose a good time and place for the communication and negotiation of your wants. Be prepared to take the time necessary, rather than tossing off requests or demands as you rush on by.

Ask for your partner's time and attention: 'knock before entering.' Remember how you feel when people barge in and start telling you what they want.

If their attention seems to wander, ask what can be done to keep the focus on your conversation. If necessary, agree on a later time to talk, and stick to it.

Communicate Wants
Allow your wants to be known openly and explicitly. Many of us feel it is dangerous or pushy for others to know what we really want, or that they should figure it out on their own. Or we think that they already know what we want so it is not necessary to actually say it point-blank. Certainly it is not necessary to spell out every tiny detail like a legal contract. Yet if you do not clearly and verbally tell the other person what you want, how can you expect them reliably to fulfill their part?

Everything does not need to be crystal clear before discussing what you want. It's alright to say something like: 'I think we ought to do this but I'm not 100% convinced; what do you think?' Or: 'I feel like we need to go in this direction but I'm not sure how to get there; do you have any ideas?'

Be emotionally authentic. If you are nervous or irritated, it is usually best to find some appropriate way to communicate that because the other person will probably sense that something unsaid is going on. For example: 'I'm a little nervous about bringing this up, but I don't think our childcare is working out.' Or: 'I'm getting frustrated that you still have not gotten those boxes out of the family room.'

Double-check: What does your partner think you want? What do you think your partner wants?

Identify any differences between the wants of you and your partner. Differences can be scary, and we often try to sweep them under the rug in the hope that they will go away. Yet they rarely do. Try to get things out into the open and ask questions you might be afraid to ask.


Respect Feelings
Communicating wants often brings up feelings, some of which can go all the way back to our childhood. If these feelings are not acknowledged, at least to yourself, they will muddy the waters.

Positive emotions are good, but authenticity is (usually) better. If we feel angry or scared inside, but are wearing a happy face, that is a mixed message which feels bad to us and probably confuses the other person.

Negotiate Details
Exchanges are at the heart of all relationships. People contribute to us because they care, but they continue to care about us because we continue to contribute to them.

Sometimes people think that if they make exchanges explicit, that takes out the magic: 'Oh, they're doing this just because they have to.' Yet aren't you generally pleased to give someone you care about what they want, when you know what it is? Why should other people be any different?

It is extremely effective to help the other person give you what you would like to receive: What could I do that would enable you to give me what I'm asking for?'

Anticipate potential problems. It does not put a hex on things to explore how they might go awry.

Make Commitments
Establish a clear understanding of what you and your partner are going to do.

Establish accountabilities: Who is going to do what?
Check your gut feeling. Do you really feel like this is going to happen? Or are people kidding themselves?

Identify times and/or occasions for checking back in. For example: 'Let's try this for a month and if it's not working for you, we can make some changes.'

Close at a human level. In some natural way, thank your partner for talking with you, being willing to take the time to work things out, etc.

Address Departures from Your Plan
It is obviously important for people to keep their commitments. Doing so is the basis of trust in any relationship.

Nonetheless, no person manages to keep all of his or her agreements. When this happens, it is important to acknowledge that and restore trust.

If you do not do what you say you will do, if possible bring up the matter yourself. Say if this was a momentary lapse which does not reflect your true intentions. Or explain that you feel there is something seriously unworkable with the agreements and they should be revised.

If it is your partner who departs from the plan, talk about it openly. Silence on your part can be taken as tacit approval. Plus, you need to know what is going on. Maybe you misunderstood something and he or she has actually been doing what you wanted. Perhaps there was an ambiguity in the original arrangements.

Or was it a true breakdown in agreement? If so, was it just a temporary lapse? Or do you need to re-negotiate your agreements?

Try to find out the beliefs, emotions, decisions, etc. that led to the breakdown. If appropriate, check out your tentative conclusions.

Even though it can be uncomfortable for you and your partner, if you do not talk about misunderstandings and broken agreements, they will happen again.

Revise As Needed
Plans change. When they do, create a new agreement. Ask yourself once again: Do I really feel that this is going to work?

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How to Be Good Partners in Parenting

Shortly after everyone had signed the Declaration of Independence, one of those present is believed to have said: "Gentlemen, we must hang together now. Or we will all hang separately!"

Much the same is true for parents. Once the baby arrives, there is is an urgent need for teamwork. There is just too much for one person to do alone, and each parent has a big stake in what the other one does with the child. Decisions have to be made now that could be postponed prior to children.

It's Hard to Stay Two When Baby Makes Three

But working together cooperatively can be hard. The stresses on mothers are well-known. Physically, there are the demands of pregnancy, labor, nursing, sleep disturbance, and long hours of work. Tending to children and a home contains all the conditions known to cause dangerous levels of psychological stress in the workplace: constant interruptions, little control over what happens next, needing to learn new skills on the fly, juggling multiple tasks at once, difficulty finishing anything, giving instructions that are repeatedly ignored, little respite, long hours, isolation, and low status. Then add the emotional intensity, such as worries when a baby is sick, anger at a three-year-old who won't do what you say, or hurt at the rejection of a teenager.

And fathers get stressed too. For example, like lots of men, Rick felt an urgent need to provide for our family that drove him to work long hours and carry a mental load of financial pressure. Many men want to be a decent father, at least as good and maybe better than their own dads, so they worry about the kids too. They get affected emotionally when their children cry or squabble, or when their wives are unhappy.

As a result, both parents are often worn out and irritable, making it harder to keep a clear head or civil tongue. They may have different ideas about how to raise children, spend time and money, or paint the bedroom Some personalities don't like sharing power or accepting the influence of another, but you have to do both when you're all roped together on the long climb of raising a family. Negotiating takes skills that many of us lack, and they don't just come with a birth certificate. People may have different communication styles or aims in relationship; for example, some place a high value on feeling connected while others prize separation and independence.

In particular, men and women often differ in how they communicate. As a generalization with individual exceptions:

* Male style -- Terse, targeted on a single topic, focused on tasks and outcomes, and impersonal

* Female style -- Expansive, moving from topic to topic, relationship-focused, and personal

Plus many fathers are, frankly, mediocre teammates: uncomfortable with young children, dismissive of the work or stress of mothering, unwilling to learn parenting skills, or willing to do what they are told but not take initiative. Consequently, the average mother has a total workload of fifteen to twenty hours per week more than her partner. Even when a man has the best of intentions, his partnership with the mother can be strained by financial pressures, workplace policies, her interference with or over-criticism of his approach to the kids, or children who continue to go to her.

Conflicts related to children have a special intensity because of their primal importance. If they happen again and again, positions harden, emotions become increasingly raw and bitter -- and it gets more difficult to work through issues.

Many couples do find ways to rear their children consistently, share the load fairly, forge a true partnership of the heart, and resolve issues with civility, empathy, and skill. But if they don't, hurts and resentments grow, the home atmosphere gets too cold or too hot, children are affected, and families can come apart. For example, Rick knew a couple, Danielle and Alex, that had three children in six years. Alex threw himself into his job as a sales manager, working late and traveling frequently. Danielle wanted more help at home, plus more say in how Alex spent his time and their money. He was prickly about anyone telling him what to do. Danielle got more and more frustrated, but the madder she got, the more Alex withdrew, and after awhile they stopped talking with each other about anything serious. She thought he needed drugs. He thought she needed drugs. Their love evaporated until nothing was left in their hearts for each other but dry, stony ground. Like roughly a fifth of new parents, they separated before their first child reached kindergarten.

Even when parents are managing to keep living together, we have heard numerous arguments that go essentially like this:

She: You're never home. And when you are, your mind is elsewhere.

He: You don't appreciate how hard I work.

She: Hah! You don't appreciate how hard I work, either.

He: I have to pull those hours to make the money that keeps us afloat. Everybody else stays just as late. If I left early, I'd feel like a quitter.

She: If you had a heart attack and had to leave at 5:30 no matter what, you'd all adjust and the business would go on the same. We need you home. I need you, the kids need you.

He: I help out. I do a hell of a lot more than my dad ever did -- or yours.

She: So what? It's still less than you should be doing. When you're at work, I'm working, too, here at home. And when you do get home -- usually later than you promised! -- you read or watch TV and avoid helping. Plus you always have to be told what to do. I feel like it's all up to me. It's not my child, it's ours.

He: It wouldn't be all up to you if you would ever let me do things my way! And it's just for a few more years. I'm building up a nest egg that will be good for all of us. Can't you see that? Can't you just handle things meanwhile? What's so hard about that?

She: Of course I can handle it alone. But I don't want to. These are precious years. Your son will never be two again, or three or four. We can make more money later, but we can't ever get these years back. Besides, I don't know if we'll be able to get us back.

What Makes a Good Partnership?

A good partnership has these characteristics:

* Alignment -- Shared values about life, family, childrearing, the roles of mothers and fathers, and the involvement of the father in childrearing and housework; specific agreement about parenting practices, schedules, and finances; backing up each other with the kids

* Fairness -- A workload that is similar in its hours and stresses

* Ownership -- Shared, mutual responsibility for planning, worries, and important decisions

* Trust -- Agreements are kept or renegotiated; each person is reliable and sensible

* Communication -- Civility; empathy; emotional support; open, explicit, direct, authentic conversation; skillful negotiation.

The first four are about content: what gets done. The last one is about process: how parents talk with each other -- and it is probably the most important, because when a mother and father have good process, they can usually find a way to work out or live with whatever differences in content lie between them.

A good partnership is also flexible, pragmatic, and tolerant of differences. In particular:

* Alignment means largely shared values, not exact agreement on every point; it is a work in progress as new issues emerge, from getting an infant to sleep through the night to curfews in high school. Some differences in parenting styles are fine and prepare children for the various kinds of people who will be their teachers or supervisors. Even though it is generally a good idea to support each other in front of the kids, sometimes a tactful intervention is called for if the other parent is going overboard or losing control.

* Fairness allows for complementary roles: perhaps he does more yardwork and she more laundry. But beware the common pattern in which the mother's tasks are more unpredictable, emotionally charged, three-things-at-once, and continually interrupted while the father's are more contained, scheduled when he wants to do them, focused, and carried to completion; that makes her role more stressful.

* Ownership refers to the "Board of Directors" level of managing a family, and different boards function in different ways. For example, if both parents agree to it, it is fine if the mother is the one who keeps in mind many of the details of the children's lives (the common arrangement), as long as she feels that her husband is mentally and emotionally engaged and helpful when she wants to talk about something. The mother may also take leadership and initiative for more family matters (such as relationships with friends and relatives or the kids' health) while the father shoulders more responsibility for making money, overlooking their savings or investments, and dealing with the cars -- another common way of doing things. But dads need to let themselves worry about the things their wives worry about; when we are bothered about something, it is upsetting to feel that we are the only one who has that concern. And fathers also need to take leadership about some aspects of raising their children, such as religious or character education, school placement, or homework.

* Trust can be recreated if a promise is not kept. We all blow it sometimes. But trust is fragile and profoundly important in a marriage. It boils down to performance, not good intentions: Do you do what you say you are going to do at least 98% of the time? If you are impeccable and delivering the reasonable goods to your partner, you are on a much stronger footing to ask for what you want from him or her.

* Communication means a lively, real process that inevitably has some misunderstandings, heated arguments, breakdowns and deadlocks. Good arguments have a kind of trajectory in which the parties begin with disagreement and misunderstanding and emotional heat, yet conclude with a common plan, clarity about where each stands, and peace between them. The crux is where things end up, not where they start.

Assessment of Your Partnership

Different couples have different kinds of partnerships. By understanding your strengths and weaknesses as a team, you can build on what works well and start shoring up what could use some improvement.

Please take a look at the assessment in the box. You and your partner can fill it out individually and then talk about it, or you alone could do it. If each of you do the assessment, we have some suggestions about how to talk about it from our own, sometimes bumpy, experience:

* First, focus on the experience of yourself and your partner, rather than disagreements about how each other acts, the circumstances, justifications, or what to do. It is hard to argue about how you feel; no one can tell us what our feelings are or what it's like for us when something happens.

* Second, try to resolve what the facts are. Do not get bogged down in disagreements about what happened the past. Rather, start tracking what the facts are right now. For example, if there is a question about who is doing what, for a week each person can keep a log of his or her activities: this is usually very eye-opening, and we will say more about this exercise in future columns.

* Third, each person should make at least one agreement about how he or she could be a better partner. Try to focus more on what you could do better than on any grievances you may have with your partner.

Developing Good Communication

In future columns, we will describe how to develop good communication, starting with civility and empathy. Then we will show how to use those skills to work on the specific issues of alignment, fairness, ownership, and trust many couples have.

* * * * *

Assessment of Your Partnership

Please consider the past month. Unless otherwise indicated, please mark the questions below using the following scale: 0 Not at all or very little 1 Somewhat 2 Very much

When you are done, take a look at the overall picture. Are there many more "2's" than "1's" and "0's"? Also look at specific questions: Where are the zeros? (Note that this scoring is reversed in the negative characteristics section of the COMMUNICATION part, where high scores are a problem.)

Also consider where you and your partner view things very differently, especially if one person's score is a "0" while the other's is a "2." In these cases, you might agree to rate the question on a daily or weekly basis, both to come together on how you rate things as well as to have things go better from now on.

ALIGNMENT

How much do you and your partner have similar values about:

Life? ______ The importance of family? ______ How to raise children? ______ The involvement of the father in childrearing? ______ In housework? ______

How much do you and your partner agree about childrearing:

Sleeping? ______ Eating? ______ Discipline? ______ Daily routines? ______ School and homework? ______ TV, Nintendo, computer games? ______

Religious instruction? ______ Allowances and money? ______ Friends? ______ Handling squabbles between siblings? ______ After school activities? ______ Sexuality? ______ Drugs and alcohol? ______

Supporting each other with the kids? ______

Balance of nurturing and challenging children? ______

Your tone of voice? ______

How much do you and your partner act in agreement about:

Spending money? ______ When to get home from work? ______

How to spend time in the evenings or weekends? ______

FAIRNESS

When you add up everything you each do, including tending to children, scheduling activities, housework, managing family affairs, or going to a job, do you and your partner have the same total workload? ______

If not, about how many hours each week is one partner "on task" more than the other: _____________ hours.

Considering all of the activities you each engage in, is your stress level about the same? ______

OWNERSHIP

How much do you and your partner share responsibility for the children's:

Health? ______ Schooling? ______ Physical development? ______

Psychological development? ______ Moral or religious development? ______

Relationships with friends? ______ With siblings? ______

How much do you and your partner share responsibility for:

Making enough money? ______ Bookkeeping and paying the bills? ______ Paperwork? ______ Tax returns? ______ Home maintenance? ______

Figuring out insurance or loans? ______ Planning vacations? ______

Relationships with relatives? ______ With friends and others? ______

Other important decisions? ______

How engaged are you with your partner's worries and concerns? ______

How engaged is your partner with your worries and concerns? ______

TRUST

How much do you and your partner keep your agreements with each other about:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Parenting? ______ Housework? ______ Time home from work? ______

Spending time together? ______ Spending money? ______

Romantic or sexual behavior? ______ Other matters? ______

COMMUNICATION

How much do you and your partner communicate with each other in a way that is:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Civil? ______ Explicit, direct, and clear? ______ Authentic? ______ Open? ______

On topic? ______ Accurate? ______ Aimed at a resolution? ______

Positive in tone? ______ Warm or friendly? ______

Understanding or empathic? ______ Light-hearted or humorous? ______

Appreciative or complimentary? ______ Affectionate? ______

Supportive? ______ Helpful? ______

How much do you and your partner communicate with each other in a way that is:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Critical? ______ Complaining? ______ Irritated, resentful, or angry? ______

Blaming? ______ Inflammatory in language? ______ Disdainful? ______

Exaggerated? ______ Wandering off topic? ______ Defensive? ______

Hinting or indirect? ______ Confused, murky? ______ Guarded? ______

Inauthentic, putting on a mask, hard to read? ______ Cold? ______

Aimed more at proving your point than at a resolution? ______

How well do you and your partner negotiate your disagreements? ______

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True Love

Len and I are doing OK; for one, we don't argue as much as we used to. But something is still missing, some spark that used to be there. We're pleasant with each other and still make love but that whole deep connection thing we had before kids has really faded.

The heart is full of mysteries. Sometimes two people seem like they're just an inch away from falling in love again - but somehow it never quite clicks and they keep on slowly drifting apart. And another couple seems so distant and battle-weary that their hearts for each other are stony ground - yet somehow seeds of love take hold and their caring for each other grows back like green grass in the spring. You never know, and there are no guarantees.

# Nonetheless, you can increase your odds dramatically of cherishing and care and fondness refilling the empty spaces in your relationship. First, consider the foundation of your marriage: As individuals, are you each experiencing reasonable health and well-being?
# As a couple, are you communicating well, with civility, empathy, authenticity, and skillful problem-solving?
# Are you working well as teammates in the amazing and demanding endeavor of raising a family?
# Are you making room for your relationship, with some regular conversation, time to yourselves without children, and routine affection that's not sexual?

If you can answer "yes" to all four of these questions, you're in good shape to head into the deeper, wonderful waters of loving intimacy. And if not, then you know just where the work needs to be done. To do it, you could take a look at our book, Mother Nurture, which focuses on those four questions. And consider using a therapist if you are getting stuck on your own; your relationship is too important to your kids and to yourselves to give it anything less than all the help it needs!

Second, in the deep end of the pool, you and your partner can each try to develop these three things, and even if it's mostly up to you, on your own you can make a profound difference in your relationship:
# Relational presence - This sounds fancy, but it means simply that very natural quality of really being with the other person. Think about a person who seemed quite distracted when speaking with you . . . and then think about a person who seemed open and really there with you, deeply accepting, deeply receptive. Notice the difference? Being open and present can feel a little scary at first, so we tend to step back and close up, like drawing a curtain over the heart. But try to relax and allow the other person's communication to flow through you, like wind through the leaves of a tree, and be aware that you're actually just fine, that it's alright to be that open. Practice this quality of relational presence and see what happens. (And it's a great way to be with children, too.)

# Delivering fondness - Caring, interest, cherishing, sweetness, appreciation, friendliness, affection - these are all specific kinds of self-expression in a relationship. They are real, and you can deliver them or not to your partner, and vice versa. Think of them as relationship supplies. What kind of deliveries has your partner been making to you lately? What sort of deliveries have you been making to him?

In most couples, each partner could send more packages of fondness without it getting phony. Yes, it takes some deliberate thought, but what you are expressing is truly inside you - it's really how you feel, deep down, about your mate. So it's sincere . . . and actually extra loving because you are caring enough to make the extra effort to reach down and pull it up and deliver it.

Try to make fondness concrete. For example, determine to touch your partner affectionately three times a day. Or give one real compliment. Or look at him or her in a loving way. Or say goodbye or hello with genuine friendliness. You probably have a pretty good idea already of what your spouse likes - and if not, why not ask? And it's perfectly fine to let him or her know what sort of fondness you'd love to receive, yourself.

# Landing in your heart - Behind the eyes of your mate, there's a person there just like there's an inner being behind the eyes that are reading these words. When your partner is talking about matters of any importance at all, see if you can sense into his or her inner self -- and let the concerns and needs and hopes and feelings of that person really register inside you. That way, you'll get to the essence of the matter, the real stakes for your partner, what it's all most deeply about. Knowing that essence, you won't get distracted by side issues, including the murky or cranky or off-putting way that things may have been expressed. You'll be able to zero in to the crux and respond to it -- which is only good for you and your partner and your marriage and your family.

On the other side of the table, the other person will really feel heard, that he (let's say) has landed with a soft welcome in your heart. That makes people relax, and open up themselves. . . to you.

In conclusion, what each of us really wants to know is whether we matter to the other person; that's vastly more important than getting our way with some point we're trying to make. We want to know that they care enough to show up and be present . . . to be nice and sweet and keep the supply train of fondness pulling up to our station . . . and to be moved by our needs and let us land - thump! - in their heart. That's what we want to know. And when you feel that you matter like that to another, the day-to-day grumpy grievances of late dinners and forgotten errands and missed sexual signals and toilet seats left up and getting scolded for something and all the other similar bruises of daily life with family can be managed as local irritants that really don't mean much at all.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Speaking from Your Heart

I feel like I have to walk around on eggshells with my husband and his family: If I'm not VERY careful, they get upset and either blame themselves or me or both. But the result is I have all this stuff bottled up inside.

There are natural concerns about really saying what's on your mind, what's in your heart. Sometimes, it's appropriate to be careful, like with someone who's vulnerable, or to stay out of a rage, or if there is any whiff of possible partner abuse. But more often than not, the reasons are not so enlightened. We're holding back simply because we're scared, or uncomfortable with feelings in general, or acting out gender training (boys don't cry, girls shouldn't be pushy), or transferring patterns from childhood (e.g., fear of a stern father).

So how can you help yourself communicate authentically and skillfully - so that the outside you show the world more closely matches your insides? Think of the questions below as a kind of checklist; you may have most of them covered already, but there could also be some helpful suggestions. (We've starred a few that are especially important.)

Inside Yourself
Are your intentions good? Fundamentally, is your purpose benign - or punishing, vengeful, argumentative, or mean-spirited?

Are you committed to discovering and saying what is true? Rather than just arguing your case, or keeping things veiled and foggy?

** Can you take responsibility for your own experience? This means knowing that different people experience the same situation in different ways, that your reactions to the world are filtered and shaped by your own psychology. It means saying hard things, but not accusing or blaming others.

Do you know in your bones that the other person is separate from you, differentiated, over there while you're over here? That just because they're upset doesn't necessarily mean you're implicated? That their feelings do not have to become your own?

Do you know that the other person may not understand you? That your nature might be quite different from his temperament or personality, so that he needs your help in understanding you?

Can you stand not being agreed with, understood, or joined with? Can you risk that?

When You Speak
Can you restrain yourself? Can you listen without interrupting, modulate anger, keep a civil tongue, hold back the impulse to hit or break things or otherwise lash out?

Can you stay centered in a self-respecting, self-sufficient dignity?

Can you talk about talking - about what might need to happen for it to be safe to communicate? Can you talk about how you and the other person interact? Being able to comment on your "process" is a great way to set a foundation that is comfortable, and ease into difficult topics.

** Can you communicate for yourself, to speak your truth for its own sake, not to affect the other person or get a result from them? When you do this, you may have a little attention on trying to be skillful and civil, but mainly your awareness is within yourself and your sense of the other person recedes to the background.

** Can you share your experience, both the surface and the depths? Of course, doing this requires being aware of the deeper layers, including the younger material that's often stirred up when there's anything important. But remember that your experience is a kind of refuge: you're the expert on it and it has its own validity: no one can argue with you about it!

** Can you be in touch with your experience while you speak it, so it's in your eyes and throat and chest, rather than reporting on it like a journalist sending dispatches from a distant country?

Can you say the positive as well as the negative? It's often not anger or reproach that's hardest to express, but cherishing, needing, and love.

Can you stay on topic, keeping your eye on the prize, on whatever it is you want to communicate, rather than getting sucked into side issues?

Can you appreciate the other person for listening?

When the Other Person Responds
Can you let it in when he agrees with you, is empathic or supportive? If she gives you what you want, can you move on?

Can you admit it when you're not clear, or if some emotional mud got mixed up with the clear water of your truth?

Can you re-group and clarify things if the other person misunderstands you? Can you come back to your experience, your truth, if the other person denies or attacks your experience - or you?

Can you give the other person the kind of listening that you'd like to receive?

* * *
If you can answer yes to most of these questions most of the time, you've got the best possible odds of having a great relationship. And no matter what the other person does - which is, ultimately, outside your control - communicating your truth, from your heart, for yourself, feels good in itself, makes you feel strong and dignified, increases your self-knowledge, and lets you know that they know exactly how you really feel.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Empathy:A Key Relationship Skill

My husband and I communicate well enough on the surface, but I feel we are drifting apart deep down. I for one don't feel like he understands me that much any more.

The basis of emotional closeness in a relationship is empathy, the foundation of the experience of "we" rather than just "I" or "you." If you sense that your partner really feels how it is for you, you feel less stressed, plus closer and more trusting, and more inclined to give empathy to him - and the same is certainly true for him with regard to you.

Fundamentally, empathy is a skill, like any other, and you can get better at it. And much the same, you can ask your partner to get better at it, too! Plus, getting better at empathy will only help a person become a better parent.

Emotional Imagination
Empathy is not agreement or approval. It is simply understanding, the intuitive sensing of another person's underlying feelings, wants, and psychological dynamics - looking at the world from behind the other's eyes. "What would I be feeling if I were him or her?"
Empathy is the expression of four basic skills:

* Pay attention
* Inquire
* Dig down
* Double check


Pay Attention
Attention is like a spotlight, illuminating its object - and you can get better at attention in several ways:

* Calm yourself.
* Consciously choose to give your attention over to your partner for a time.
* Just listen, without developing your case against what the other is saying.
* Keep the focus on the other's experience, rather than on circumstances or beliefs or ideas


Inquire
Empathy is a process of discovery. You study what is under one stone. Then you ask an open-ended question, such as the ones below, that turns over another.


Can you say more about ___________?
How was it for you that ___________?
How do you feel about him/her?
What do you mean when you say _____________?
What's your gut feeling about __________?
What do you think about ____________?
What is really bothering you?
What are you concerned they'll do?
What was the most upsetting part of all that?
What do you wish would have happened instead?
How was this like ____________ [i.e. some similar thing] for you?


Dig Down
The personality is layered like a parfait, with softer and younger material at the bottom. The empathic listener:

* Tries to get a sense of the softer feelings - hurt, fear, or shame - that are usually behind anger or a tough facade.
* Imagines the insecure, scared, suffering person behind the other's eyes.
* Wonders how childhood and other experiences could have affected his or her thoughts, feelings, and wants today.
* Considers the underlying, positive wants - e.g., safety, autonomy, feeling valued - the other is seeking to fulfill, although perhaps in ways one doesn't like.
* Inquires gently about the deeper layers - without trying to play therapist. This must be done carefully, usually toward the end of a conversation, without making it seem like the here-and-now elements in what the other is saying are unimportant, especially if they are about you.


Double Check
When we receive a communication, we need to tell the sender, "Message received." Otherwise, he or she will tend to keep broadcasting, ever more powerfully, in an effort to get through. Try questions like these:

"Let me say back what I hear you saying. Are you saying that ______________?"
I'm not sure I fully understand this, but is it like ___________?
Is the key point that ____________?
Is it correct to say that you felt ___________?
So one part is _________, another part is _________, and a third part is __________, right?

The Rewards of Empathy
With a better idea of the feelings and wants of our partner, we are more able to solve problems together. It's like dancing: a couple shines when each person is attuned to the other's mood and rhythms and intentions.

Additionally, when our partner feels understood, he or she is more willing to extend understanding in turn. Once pure survival needs are handled, the deepest question of all in any important relationship is, "Do you understand me?" Until it is answered with a "Yes," that question will keep troubling the waters of any the relationship.

But when understanding is continually refreshed by new empathy, connections are constantly re-knit, strengthening the fabric of the relationship.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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