How to Be Good Partners in Parenting

Shortly after everyone had signed the Declaration of Independence, one of those present is believed to have said: "Gentlemen, we must hang together now. Or we will all hang separately!"

Much the same is true for parents. Once the baby arrives, there is is an urgent need for teamwork. There is just too much for one person to do alone, and each parent has a big stake in what the other one does with the child. Decisions have to be made now that could be postponed prior to children.

It's Hard to Stay Two When Baby Makes Three

But working together cooperatively can be hard. The stresses on mothers are well-known. Physically, there are the demands of pregnancy, labor, nursing, sleep disturbance, and long hours of work. Tending to children and a home contains all the conditions known to cause dangerous levels of psychological stress in the workplace: constant interruptions, little control over what happens next, needing to learn new skills on the fly, juggling multiple tasks at once, difficulty finishing anything, giving instructions that are repeatedly ignored, little respite, long hours, isolation, and low status. Then add the emotional intensity, such as worries when a baby is sick, anger at a three-year-old who won't do what you say, or hurt at the rejection of a teenager.

And fathers get stressed too. For example, like lots of men, Rick felt an urgent need to provide for our family that drove him to work long hours and carry a mental load of financial pressure. Many men want to be a decent father, at least as good and maybe better than their own dads, so they worry about the kids too. They get affected emotionally when their children cry or squabble, or when their wives are unhappy.

As a result, both parents are often worn out and irritable, making it harder to keep a clear head or civil tongue. They may have different ideas about how to raise children, spend time and money, or paint the bedroom Some personalities don't like sharing power or accepting the influence of another, but you have to do both when you're all roped together on the long climb of raising a family. Negotiating takes skills that many of us lack, and they don't just come with a birth certificate. People may have different communication styles or aims in relationship; for example, some place a high value on feeling connected while others prize separation and independence.

In particular, men and women often differ in how they communicate. As a generalization with individual exceptions:

* Male style -- Terse, targeted on a single topic, focused on tasks and outcomes, and impersonal

* Female style -- Expansive, moving from topic to topic, relationship-focused, and personal

Plus many fathers are, frankly, mediocre teammates: uncomfortable with young children, dismissive of the work or stress of mothering, unwilling to learn parenting skills, or willing to do what they are told but not take initiative. Consequently, the average mother has a total workload of fifteen to twenty hours per week more than her partner. Even when a man has the best of intentions, his partnership with the mother can be strained by financial pressures, workplace policies, her interference with or over-criticism of his approach to the kids, or children who continue to go to her.

Conflicts related to children have a special intensity because of their primal importance. If they happen again and again, positions harden, emotions become increasingly raw and bitter -- and it gets more difficult to work through issues.

Many couples do find ways to rear their children consistently, share the load fairly, forge a true partnership of the heart, and resolve issues with civility, empathy, and skill. But if they don't, hurts and resentments grow, the home atmosphere gets too cold or too hot, children are affected, and families can come apart. For example, Rick knew a couple, Danielle and Alex, that had three children in six years. Alex threw himself into his job as a sales manager, working late and traveling frequently. Danielle wanted more help at home, plus more say in how Alex spent his time and their money. He was prickly about anyone telling him what to do. Danielle got more and more frustrated, but the madder she got, the more Alex withdrew, and after awhile they stopped talking with each other about anything serious. She thought he needed drugs. He thought she needed drugs. Their love evaporated until nothing was left in their hearts for each other but dry, stony ground. Like roughly a fifth of new parents, they separated before their first child reached kindergarten.

Even when parents are managing to keep living together, we have heard numerous arguments that go essentially like this:

She: You're never home. And when you are, your mind is elsewhere.

He: You don't appreciate how hard I work.

She: Hah! You don't appreciate how hard I work, either.

He: I have to pull those hours to make the money that keeps us afloat. Everybody else stays just as late. If I left early, I'd feel like a quitter.

She: If you had a heart attack and had to leave at 5:30 no matter what, you'd all adjust and the business would go on the same. We need you home. I need you, the kids need you.

He: I help out. I do a hell of a lot more than my dad ever did -- or yours.

She: So what? It's still less than you should be doing. When you're at work, I'm working, too, here at home. And when you do get home -- usually later than you promised! -- you read or watch TV and avoid helping. Plus you always have to be told what to do. I feel like it's all up to me. It's not my child, it's ours.

He: It wouldn't be all up to you if you would ever let me do things my way! And it's just for a few more years. I'm building up a nest egg that will be good for all of us. Can't you see that? Can't you just handle things meanwhile? What's so hard about that?

She: Of course I can handle it alone. But I don't want to. These are precious years. Your son will never be two again, or three or four. We can make more money later, but we can't ever get these years back. Besides, I don't know if we'll be able to get us back.

What Makes a Good Partnership?

A good partnership has these characteristics:

* Alignment -- Shared values about life, family, childrearing, the roles of mothers and fathers, and the involvement of the father in childrearing and housework; specific agreement about parenting practices, schedules, and finances; backing up each other with the kids

* Fairness -- A workload that is similar in its hours and stresses

* Ownership -- Shared, mutual responsibility for planning, worries, and important decisions

* Trust -- Agreements are kept or renegotiated; each person is reliable and sensible

* Communication -- Civility; empathy; emotional support; open, explicit, direct, authentic conversation; skillful negotiation.

The first four are about content: what gets done. The last one is about process: how parents talk with each other -- and it is probably the most important, because when a mother and father have good process, they can usually find a way to work out or live with whatever differences in content lie between them.

A good partnership is also flexible, pragmatic, and tolerant of differences. In particular:

* Alignment means largely shared values, not exact agreement on every point; it is a work in progress as new issues emerge, from getting an infant to sleep through the night to curfews in high school. Some differences in parenting styles are fine and prepare children for the various kinds of people who will be their teachers or supervisors. Even though it is generally a good idea to support each other in front of the kids, sometimes a tactful intervention is called for if the other parent is going overboard or losing control.

* Fairness allows for complementary roles: perhaps he does more yardwork and she more laundry. But beware the common pattern in which the mother's tasks are more unpredictable, emotionally charged, three-things-at-once, and continually interrupted while the father's are more contained, scheduled when he wants to do them, focused, and carried to completion; that makes her role more stressful.

* Ownership refers to the "Board of Directors" level of managing a family, and different boards function in different ways. For example, if both parents agree to it, it is fine if the mother is the one who keeps in mind many of the details of the children's lives (the common arrangement), as long as she feels that her husband is mentally and emotionally engaged and helpful when she wants to talk about something. The mother may also take leadership and initiative for more family matters (such as relationships with friends and relatives or the kids' health) while the father shoulders more responsibility for making money, overlooking their savings or investments, and dealing with the cars -- another common way of doing things. But dads need to let themselves worry about the things their wives worry about; when we are bothered about something, it is upsetting to feel that we are the only one who has that concern. And fathers also need to take leadership about some aspects of raising their children, such as religious or character education, school placement, or homework.

* Trust can be recreated if a promise is not kept. We all blow it sometimes. But trust is fragile and profoundly important in a marriage. It boils down to performance, not good intentions: Do you do what you say you are going to do at least 98% of the time? If you are impeccable and delivering the reasonable goods to your partner, you are on a much stronger footing to ask for what you want from him or her.

* Communication means a lively, real process that inevitably has some misunderstandings, heated arguments, breakdowns and deadlocks. Good arguments have a kind of trajectory in which the parties begin with disagreement and misunderstanding and emotional heat, yet conclude with a common plan, clarity about where each stands, and peace between them. The crux is where things end up, not where they start.

Assessment of Your Partnership

Different couples have different kinds of partnerships. By understanding your strengths and weaknesses as a team, you can build on what works well and start shoring up what could use some improvement.

Please take a look at the assessment in the box. You and your partner can fill it out individually and then talk about it, or you alone could do it. If each of you do the assessment, we have some suggestions about how to talk about it from our own, sometimes bumpy, experience:

* First, focus on the experience of yourself and your partner, rather than disagreements about how each other acts, the circumstances, justifications, or what to do. It is hard to argue about how you feel; no one can tell us what our feelings are or what it's like for us when something happens.

* Second, try to resolve what the facts are. Do not get bogged down in disagreements about what happened the past. Rather, start tracking what the facts are right now. For example, if there is a question about who is doing what, for a week each person can keep a log of his or her activities: this is usually very eye-opening, and we will say more about this exercise in future columns.

* Third, each person should make at least one agreement about how he or she could be a better partner. Try to focus more on what you could do better than on any grievances you may have with your partner.

Developing Good Communication

In future columns, we will describe how to develop good communication, starting with civility and empathy. Then we will show how to use those skills to work on the specific issues of alignment, fairness, ownership, and trust many couples have.

* * * * *

Assessment of Your Partnership

Please consider the past month. Unless otherwise indicated, please mark the questions below using the following scale: 0 Not at all or very little 1 Somewhat 2 Very much

When you are done, take a look at the overall picture. Are there many more "2's" than "1's" and "0's"? Also look at specific questions: Where are the zeros? (Note that this scoring is reversed in the negative characteristics section of the COMMUNICATION part, where high scores are a problem.)

Also consider where you and your partner view things very differently, especially if one person's score is a "0" while the other's is a "2." In these cases, you might agree to rate the question on a daily or weekly basis, both to come together on how you rate things as well as to have things go better from now on.

ALIGNMENT

How much do you and your partner have similar values about:

Life? ______ The importance of family? ______ How to raise children? ______ The involvement of the father in childrearing? ______ In housework? ______

How much do you and your partner agree about childrearing:

Sleeping? ______ Eating? ______ Discipline? ______ Daily routines? ______ School and homework? ______ TV, Nintendo, computer games? ______

Religious instruction? ______ Allowances and money? ______ Friends? ______ Handling squabbles between siblings? ______ After school activities? ______ Sexuality? ______ Drugs and alcohol? ______

Supporting each other with the kids? ______

Balance of nurturing and challenging children? ______

Your tone of voice? ______

How much do you and your partner act in agreement about:

Spending money? ______ When to get home from work? ______

How to spend time in the evenings or weekends? ______

FAIRNESS

When you add up everything you each do, including tending to children, scheduling activities, housework, managing family affairs, or going to a job, do you and your partner have the same total workload? ______

If not, about how many hours each week is one partner "on task" more than the other: _____________ hours.

Considering all of the activities you each engage in, is your stress level about the same? ______

OWNERSHIP

How much do you and your partner share responsibility for the children's:

Health? ______ Schooling? ______ Physical development? ______

Psychological development? ______ Moral or religious development? ______

Relationships with friends? ______ With siblings? ______

How much do you and your partner share responsibility for:

Making enough money? ______ Bookkeeping and paying the bills? ______ Paperwork? ______ Tax returns? ______ Home maintenance? ______

Figuring out insurance or loans? ______ Planning vacations? ______

Relationships with relatives? ______ With friends and others? ______

Other important decisions? ______

How engaged are you with your partner's worries and concerns? ______

How engaged is your partner with your worries and concerns? ______

TRUST

How much do you and your partner keep your agreements with each other about:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Parenting? ______ Housework? ______ Time home from work? ______

Spending time together? ______ Spending money? ______

Romantic or sexual behavior? ______ Other matters? ______

COMMUNICATION

How much do you and your partner communicate with each other in a way that is:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Civil? ______ Explicit, direct, and clear? ______ Authentic? ______ Open? ______

On topic? ______ Accurate? ______ Aimed at a resolution? ______

Positive in tone? ______ Warm or friendly? ______

Understanding or empathic? ______ Light-hearted or humorous? ______

Appreciative or complimentary? ______ Affectionate? ______

Supportive? ______ Helpful? ______

How much do you and your partner communicate with each other in a way that is:

[put your assessment of your partner in parentheses]

Critical? ______ Complaining? ______ Irritated, resentful, or angry? ______

Blaming? ______ Inflammatory in language? ______ Disdainful? ______

Exaggerated? ______ Wandering off topic? ______ Defensive? ______

Hinting or indirect? ______ Confused, murky? ______ Guarded? ______

Inauthentic, putting on a mask, hard to read? ______ Cold? ______

Aimed more at proving your point than at a resolution? ______

How well do you and your partner negotiate your disagreements? ______

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True Love

Len and I are doing OK; for one, we don't argue as much as we used to. But something is still missing, some spark that used to be there. We're pleasant with each other and still make love but that whole deep connection thing we had before kids has really faded.

The heart is full of mysteries. Sometimes two people seem like they're just an inch away from falling in love again - but somehow it never quite clicks and they keep on slowly drifting apart. And another couple seems so distant and battle-weary that their hearts for each other are stony ground - yet somehow seeds of love take hold and their caring for each other grows back like green grass in the spring. You never know, and there are no guarantees.

# Nonetheless, you can increase your odds dramatically of cherishing and care and fondness refilling the empty spaces in your relationship. First, consider the foundation of your marriage: As individuals, are you each experiencing reasonable health and well-being?
# As a couple, are you communicating well, with civility, empathy, authenticity, and skillful problem-solving?
# Are you working well as teammates in the amazing and demanding endeavor of raising a family?
# Are you making room for your relationship, with some regular conversation, time to yourselves without children, and routine affection that's not sexual?

If you can answer "yes" to all four of these questions, you're in good shape to head into the deeper, wonderful waters of loving intimacy. And if not, then you know just where the work needs to be done. To do it, you could take a look at our book, Mother Nurture, which focuses on those four questions. And consider using a therapist if you are getting stuck on your own; your relationship is too important to your kids and to yourselves to give it anything less than all the help it needs!

Second, in the deep end of the pool, you and your partner can each try to develop these three things, and even if it's mostly up to you, on your own you can make a profound difference in your relationship:
# Relational presence - This sounds fancy, but it means simply that very natural quality of really being with the other person. Think about a person who seemed quite distracted when speaking with you . . . and then think about a person who seemed open and really there with you, deeply accepting, deeply receptive. Notice the difference? Being open and present can feel a little scary at first, so we tend to step back and close up, like drawing a curtain over the heart. But try to relax and allow the other person's communication to flow through you, like wind through the leaves of a tree, and be aware that you're actually just fine, that it's alright to be that open. Practice this quality of relational presence and see what happens. (And it's a great way to be with children, too.)

# Delivering fondness - Caring, interest, cherishing, sweetness, appreciation, friendliness, affection - these are all specific kinds of self-expression in a relationship. They are real, and you can deliver them or not to your partner, and vice versa. Think of them as relationship supplies. What kind of deliveries has your partner been making to you lately? What sort of deliveries have you been making to him?

In most couples, each partner could send more packages of fondness without it getting phony. Yes, it takes some deliberate thought, but what you are expressing is truly inside you - it's really how you feel, deep down, about your mate. So it's sincere . . . and actually extra loving because you are caring enough to make the extra effort to reach down and pull it up and deliver it.

Try to make fondness concrete. For example, determine to touch your partner affectionately three times a day. Or give one real compliment. Or look at him or her in a loving way. Or say goodbye or hello with genuine friendliness. You probably have a pretty good idea already of what your spouse likes - and if not, why not ask? And it's perfectly fine to let him or her know what sort of fondness you'd love to receive, yourself.

# Landing in your heart - Behind the eyes of your mate, there's a person there just like there's an inner being behind the eyes that are reading these words. When your partner is talking about matters of any importance at all, see if you can sense into his or her inner self -- and let the concerns and needs and hopes and feelings of that person really register inside you. That way, you'll get to the essence of the matter, the real stakes for your partner, what it's all most deeply about. Knowing that essence, you won't get distracted by side issues, including the murky or cranky or off-putting way that things may have been expressed. You'll be able to zero in to the crux and respond to it -- which is only good for you and your partner and your marriage and your family.

On the other side of the table, the other person will really feel heard, that he (let's say) has landed with a soft welcome in your heart. That makes people relax, and open up themselves. . . to you.

In conclusion, what each of us really wants to know is whether we matter to the other person; that's vastly more important than getting our way with some point we're trying to make. We want to know that they care enough to show up and be present . . . to be nice and sweet and keep the supply train of fondness pulling up to our station . . . and to be moved by our needs and let us land - thump! - in their heart. That's what we want to know. And when you feel that you matter like that to another, the day-to-day grumpy grievances of late dinners and forgotten errands and missed sexual signals and toilet seats left up and getting scolded for something and all the other similar bruises of daily life with family can be managed as local irritants that really don't mean much at all.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Speaking from Your Heart

I feel like I have to walk around on eggshells with my husband and his family: If I'm not VERY careful, they get upset and either blame themselves or me or both. But the result is I have all this stuff bottled up inside.

There are natural concerns about really saying what's on your mind, what's in your heart. Sometimes, it's appropriate to be careful, like with someone who's vulnerable, or to stay out of a rage, or if there is any whiff of possible partner abuse. But more often than not, the reasons are not so enlightened. We're holding back simply because we're scared, or uncomfortable with feelings in general, or acting out gender training (boys don't cry, girls shouldn't be pushy), or transferring patterns from childhood (e.g., fear of a stern father).

So how can you help yourself communicate authentically and skillfully - so that the outside you show the world more closely matches your insides? Think of the questions below as a kind of checklist; you may have most of them covered already, but there could also be some helpful suggestions. (We've starred a few that are especially important.)

Inside Yourself
Are your intentions good? Fundamentally, is your purpose benign - or punishing, vengeful, argumentative, or mean-spirited?

Are you committed to discovering and saying what is true? Rather than just arguing your case, or keeping things veiled and foggy?

** Can you take responsibility for your own experience? This means knowing that different people experience the same situation in different ways, that your reactions to the world are filtered and shaped by your own psychology. It means saying hard things, but not accusing or blaming others.

Do you know in your bones that the other person is separate from you, differentiated, over there while you're over here? That just because they're upset doesn't necessarily mean you're implicated? That their feelings do not have to become your own?

Do you know that the other person may not understand you? That your nature might be quite different from his temperament or personality, so that he needs your help in understanding you?

Can you stand not being agreed with, understood, or joined with? Can you risk that?

When You Speak
Can you restrain yourself? Can you listen without interrupting, modulate anger, keep a civil tongue, hold back the impulse to hit or break things or otherwise lash out?

Can you stay centered in a self-respecting, self-sufficient dignity?

Can you talk about talking - about what might need to happen for it to be safe to communicate? Can you talk about how you and the other person interact? Being able to comment on your "process" is a great way to set a foundation that is comfortable, and ease into difficult topics.

** Can you communicate for yourself, to speak your truth for its own sake, not to affect the other person or get a result from them? When you do this, you may have a little attention on trying to be skillful and civil, but mainly your awareness is within yourself and your sense of the other person recedes to the background.

** Can you share your experience, both the surface and the depths? Of course, doing this requires being aware of the deeper layers, including the younger material that's often stirred up when there's anything important. But remember that your experience is a kind of refuge: you're the expert on it and it has its own validity: no one can argue with you about it!

** Can you be in touch with your experience while you speak it, so it's in your eyes and throat and chest, rather than reporting on it like a journalist sending dispatches from a distant country?

Can you say the positive as well as the negative? It's often not anger or reproach that's hardest to express, but cherishing, needing, and love.

Can you stay on topic, keeping your eye on the prize, on whatever it is you want to communicate, rather than getting sucked into side issues?

Can you appreciate the other person for listening?

When the Other Person Responds
Can you let it in when he agrees with you, is empathic or supportive? If she gives you what you want, can you move on?

Can you admit it when you're not clear, or if some emotional mud got mixed up with the clear water of your truth?

Can you re-group and clarify things if the other person misunderstands you? Can you come back to your experience, your truth, if the other person denies or attacks your experience - or you?

Can you give the other person the kind of listening that you'd like to receive?

* * *
If you can answer yes to most of these questions most of the time, you've got the best possible odds of having a great relationship. And no matter what the other person does - which is, ultimately, outside your control - communicating your truth, from your heart, for yourself, feels good in itself, makes you feel strong and dignified, increases your self-knowledge, and lets you know that they know exactly how you really feel.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Empathy:A Key Relationship Skill

My husband and I communicate well enough on the surface, but I feel we are drifting apart deep down. I for one don't feel like he understands me that much any more.

The basis of emotional closeness in a relationship is empathy, the foundation of the experience of "we" rather than just "I" or "you." If you sense that your partner really feels how it is for you, you feel less stressed, plus closer and more trusting, and more inclined to give empathy to him - and the same is certainly true for him with regard to you.

Fundamentally, empathy is a skill, like any other, and you can get better at it. And much the same, you can ask your partner to get better at it, too! Plus, getting better at empathy will only help a person become a better parent.

Emotional Imagination
Empathy is not agreement or approval. It is simply understanding, the intuitive sensing of another person's underlying feelings, wants, and psychological dynamics - looking at the world from behind the other's eyes. "What would I be feeling if I were him or her?"
Empathy is the expression of four basic skills:

* Pay attention
* Inquire
* Dig down
* Double check


Pay Attention
Attention is like a spotlight, illuminating its object - and you can get better at attention in several ways:

* Calm yourself.
* Consciously choose to give your attention over to your partner for a time.
* Just listen, without developing your case against what the other is saying.
* Keep the focus on the other's experience, rather than on circumstances or beliefs or ideas


Inquire
Empathy is a process of discovery. You study what is under one stone. Then you ask an open-ended question, such as the ones below, that turns over another.


Can you say more about ___________?
How was it for you that ___________?
How do you feel about him/her?
What do you mean when you say _____________?
What's your gut feeling about __________?
What do you think about ____________?
What is really bothering you?
What are you concerned they'll do?
What was the most upsetting part of all that?
What do you wish would have happened instead?
How was this like ____________ [i.e. some similar thing] for you?


Dig Down
The personality is layered like a parfait, with softer and younger material at the bottom. The empathic listener:

* Tries to get a sense of the softer feelings - hurt, fear, or shame - that are usually behind anger or a tough facade.
* Imagines the insecure, scared, suffering person behind the other's eyes.
* Wonders how childhood and other experiences could have affected his or her thoughts, feelings, and wants today.
* Considers the underlying, positive wants - e.g., safety, autonomy, feeling valued - the other is seeking to fulfill, although perhaps in ways one doesn't like.
* Inquires gently about the deeper layers - without trying to play therapist. This must be done carefully, usually toward the end of a conversation, without making it seem like the here-and-now elements in what the other is saying are unimportant, especially if they are about you.


Double Check
When we receive a communication, we need to tell the sender, "Message received." Otherwise, he or she will tend to keep broadcasting, ever more powerfully, in an effort to get through. Try questions like these:

"Let me say back what I hear you saying. Are you saying that ______________?"
I'm not sure I fully understand this, but is it like ___________?
Is the key point that ____________?
Is it correct to say that you felt ___________?
So one part is _________, another part is _________, and a third part is __________, right?

The Rewards of Empathy
With a better idea of the feelings and wants of our partner, we are more able to solve problems together. It's like dancing: a couple shines when each person is attuned to the other's mood and rhythms and intentions.

Additionally, when our partner feels understood, he or she is more willing to extend understanding in turn. Once pure survival needs are handled, the deepest question of all in any important relationship is, "Do you understand me?" Until it is answered with a "Yes," that question will keep troubling the waters of any the relationship.

But when understanding is continually refreshed by new empathy, connections are constantly re-knit, strengthening the fabric of the relationship.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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