When Kids Are Distractible or "Hyper"

Our preschooler's teacher has been hinting that he might be "hyperactive." She says it's hard for him to sit still, he talks a lot without raising his hand, and he's distracted by any little thing. At home, I have to constantly remind him to do things; he says he just forgets. He can play Nintendo for hours, but if he is supposed to practice his letters with me, it seems like it is torture for him to sit in the chair. Everyone is distractible, restless, or impulsive some of the time. And for a preschooler in particular, it's normal to be sometimes forgetful, lost in the clouds, wild, jumpy, disinterested in routines, super-playful, silly, or fidgety. The question is, are these behaviors a problem for the child or for people around him or her?

Perspectives on ADHD

One way to think about this topic is to imagine kids - or adults - on a spectrum in terms of three personal attributes: distractibility, restlessness, and impulsivity. As distractibility, restlessness, and impulsivity increase, around the 80th percentile - in the upper fifth or so of the population - we'd start to think about a child being "spirited." As the intensity of these three characteristics increases further, at around the 95th percentile we'd start thinking about a child having Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

The topic of ADHD is fairly controversial these days. There's no controversy about the fact that individuals range on a spectrum of distractibility, restlessness, and impulsivity. What is controversial is what that spectrum means - and what to do about it.

In our view, there are plusses and minuses to just about any kind of temperament. We think of ADHD as a normal variation in human temperament, and that humans evolved to have a variety of temperaments in represented in the hunter-gatherer groups that our ancestors lived in for millions of years. Groups whose members had only cautious, conservative temperaments would not explore and take risks as much as they should - while groups with only spirited/ADHD members would not be as prudent and planful as they should be. The groups that would have the best odds of survival - and passing on their genes - would be the ones with a mix, a synergy of temperamental types.

So, in a sense, ADHD is normal. That six-year-old boy running around the playground, getting into a million things, full of spirit and passion, bored with schoolwork, driving his parents and teachers crazy . . . .would be on the fast track to becoming a mighty hunter or explorer - and admired and successful within his tribe - a hundred thousand years ago. But today, he's sitting in the principal's office because he just can't hold it together to sit quietly at a desk for six hours a day.

In short, the "disorder" of ADHD is really a disorder of fit between perfectly normal - albeit inattentive, looking-for-action, intense, easily upset, on the move, impulsive, delightful, make-you-pull-your-hair-out - children and an environment that places historically unprecedented demands on young people (and grown-ups, too) to concentrate, sit still, and absorb streams of abstract material. These modern environments are recent, in the evolutionary time scale, and humans have not had time to adapt.

Some feel that ADHD has been long under-diagnosed. Others feel that children's inability to pay attention, focus on their work, and control their bodies and impulses is usually due to psychological issues, including lax parenting. All kinds of secondary issues can get mixed up in the question of whether a child has ADHD: school district politics, fears of stigmatizing a child, moralistic views of child development, social agendas about "good old-fashioned parental discipline," etc. We suggest focusing on the facts (what a concept), getting a good assessment (see below), and working on practical issues.

Bottom-line: ADHD is a concern, but it can be taken care of (see our next column). Unlike progressively worsening conditions like multiple sclerosis, ADHD usually gets better over the course of an individual's development and often disappears entirely by adulthood.Some Facts about ADHD

Fundamentally, ADHD involves weaknesses in regulation (of attention, activity, and desires). In a sense, someone with ADHD is like a big car with bicycle brakes. If the car is moving slowly or uphill, things work OK. If the car is moving quickly and/or the road is downhill, there's a problem.

There are three types of ADHD

• (A) Inattentive, distractible, hyperfocused, daydreamy: inconsistency in attention.

• (B) Impulsive, restless, hyperactive

• Combined (A and B)

ADHD can vary in intensity from mild to moderate to severe. It can appear inconsistently, and in some settings more than others. It can change during a child's development.

Common estimates are that approximately 5 to 10 percent of children have ADHD. This means that a typical class will have one to four children with ADHD. Boys are diagnosed with ADHD more than girls, although girls are probably underdiagnosed because their type of ADHD is often more daydreamy and less problematic for parents and teachers. ADHD often persists into adulthood, particularly inattention and impulsiveness.

ADHD is biologically based and studies have revealed a genetic link. It is not a character defect or personality flaw or motivated effort to drive parents and teachers crazy! A child's environment can help or aggravate ADHD, but not create it.

There are many positive aspects typically associated with ADHD. These include high energy and enthusiasm, and above average intelligence, intuition, and creativity. People with ADHD are often lively and likable individuals. They are typically results-oriented, with a bottom-line focus.

Unfortunately, there are often aspects of ADHD that are problematic for children, parents, and teachers:

• Inaccurate (often negative) opinions of self, others, and situations. Fix on one aspect of something, losing the big picture. Often misread social cues.

• Forgetfulness. Poor organization. Rush through tasks. Procrastination and poor follow-through.

• Want immediate rewards. Low tolerance of frustration or boredom. Impatient.

• Intense kids who like high intensity situations. Get aroused ("hyped") real easily; "hair-trigger gas pedals."

• Emotions on the surface. Easily hurt. Unstable moods. Background sense of unease, insecurity, or worry.

Other concerns are frequently associated with ADHD and are often the focus of parents and teachers. They include behavior problems, low self-esteem, underachievement at school, problems with peers, and risky behavior. These issues can mask underlying ADHD. Painfully, children with ADHD are often the target of physical and emotional abuse by parents and caregivers.

Children with ADHD can be termed "stupid," "retarded," "lazy," or "flaky." They can become the target and presumed culprit for family discord or classroom problems. A stressful and upsetting BIG STRUGGLE often revolves around a child with ADHD. It is important to allow the person with ADHD to step out of the "problem role." The reactions of others can unwittingly maintain ADHD behaviors.

In a recent popular book about ADHD, Driven to Distraction, the author commented: "The picture of a young child who starts out well and then gradually sees his school performance tail off while teachers grow increasingly moralistic in their explanations should always suggest the possibility of ADHD." Assessment

The first step when ADHD is suspected should be assessment by a licensed psychotherapist and/or physician. School districts can sometimes help. A good assessment involves consultations with teachers and parents, review of school records, and observation of the child in natural settings. The most reliable diagnostic tool is the individual's history. There is no single "test" for ADHD. ADHD should never be ruled out on the basis of testing or doctor's office visits alone!

Sometimes other issues are primary and produce ADHD-like symptoms. Psychological issues include anxiety, depression, significant separation from parents, and family discord. Biological issues include intense allergies, chronic infections, seizure disorders, and hyperthyroidism. These other possibilities should always be ruled out through investigation by the applicable licensed professional.

ADHD and learning difficulties are statistically associated and can mask and exacerbate each other. If diagnosis is still unclear after assessment, address the ADHD and then see what learning disabilities remain; ADHD is the more general factor. Care of ADHD

In our next column I will describe the care of ADHD. We use the word "care" instead of "treatment" because it is important to remember that there is a whole person suffering a condition not of his or her choosing.

In sum, we recommend four key elements in the care of ADHD

• Education and understanding

• Community and support

• Holistic physical interventions

• Psychological interventions within the child and at home and school

Please note that we have not mentioned Ritalin, which many people consider equivalent to a diagnosis of ADHD. Sometimes a fifth element -- medication -- may sometimes be called for in the care of a child, but only after the first four elements above have been thoroughly explored.

We will discuss all this issues in detail next month!

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

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Sex After Children

Our baby just had her first birthday, and my husband and I are getting along OK, but the problem is he's really frustrated that we almost never make love because I usually feel too tired and "touched-out" when we finally get to bed.

This is a BIG topic, so please consider this column a summary of the summary of what could be said about it, and for much more information, please see chapter 8 of our book, Mother Nurture. Here are the headlines:

* Understand your differences - In most couples, the man is interested in more frequent lovemaking than the woman is, and this difference usually increases dramatically after children arrive. The hormonal perturbations and physical issues of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing combined with fatigue, being pulled on all day by children, stress, and physical depletion all tend to lower a mother's libido, and if she also feels let down by or emotionally distant from her partner, sex is at the bottom of her list of preferred ways to spend the next half hour.

On the other hand, a father is usually still quite interested in his wife as a lover (though some men also experience a drop in sexual interest after becoming a parent). While he misses sex itself, the principal loss for a man is typically that it starts to feel that his partner doesn't care enough about him as a person to approach him as a lover or stretch herself to engage him for a little while - especially when he sees her stretching herself much more for the children or even for a friend who calls on the phone.

The solution is to not take these differences personally, but to recognize them as normal and rooted in utterly impersonal biological imperatives of men and women. Try to have empathy and compassion for each other, which will help you feel better and get closer, and will be the basis for addressing your differences in practical ways.

* Take care of your personal well-being, teamwork, and emotional intimacy - Many fathers can shift into lover mode even if they don't feel that well, and even if things are somewhat tense with their partner. But in order to be comfortable with lovemaking, most mothers need to have a basic amount of energy and wellness, a sense of not being let down by their mate, and feelings of being cared about and connected. We've written about these extensively in our book and previous columns, so 'nuff said here, other than we REALLY encourage you to make sure these pieces are in place.
* Make fondness and affection a part of daily life - Look for opportunities to acknowledge each other for everything you do. Whenever you can, deliberately express your liking, warmth, caring, and concern for your partner - even if it's just a look or a smile. Try to touch each other, non-sexually, several times a day. Carve out times, from merely a few minutes to a date night or a weekend away, that are for just the two of you, with no interruptions from children. Try to go to bed at the same time, even if one of you gets up to watch some TV after the other one drifts off. Hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle on the couch or in bed - all the sweet things you used to do before kids.

On this foundation, come to an understanding that works for both of you as to about how often you'll make love - For some couples, especially during the first few months postpartum, they'll agree to no lovemaking. But for many others, they'll come to something closer to once a week or so.

Yes, that frequency is probably closer to the natural preference of many dads with young children (two to three times a week) than it is to that of many moms (once every month or so). But to be frank, for many fathers the prospect of indefinitely, with no end in sight, meeting their wife as a lover just once a month would be quite troubling, and could ultimately be a major factor eroding the marriage. A loose analogy is conversation: it would also be troubling to many mothers to be told that they can expect their partner to talk with them in any depth only once a month.

The truth is that there is a middle ground in sex between hot-to-trot (ahh, those were the days . . . . !) and are-you-crazy?! (And there is probably an equivalent middle ground for many men when it comes to sitting down on the couch to talk with their wife about something that's upsetting her.) We consciously reach down inside to find an authentic willingness to do something even if it is not our first preference. And as we engage the process, a natural interest or presence with the activity is usually kindled, and when it's over, we are usually glad we took the time, and there's a nice glow in the relationship.

Whether it's sex - or a deep and meaningful conversation - we're talking about taking half an hour or so a week to keep re-knitting the ties that bind a couple together and create a solid family framework in which to raise precious children. (And of course it's wise to have more than one good conversation a week!)

If there is clarity about a fairly predictable frequency of lovemaking, that also eliminates many upsets. If they've agreed to make love once a week or so and it's been about that long, if she says no tonight because she had a hard day with the kids or at work, he probably won't feel helplessly frustrated, but will figure there's a good chance he'll get lucky tomorrow night. If they've recently made love and he puts his hand on her hip, she doesn't have to stiffen to make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea that sex is in the offing. They can kiss passionately or fondle each other for a few minutes before rolling over to go to sleep - sweet pleasures for many men and some women that are one more way to evoke loving feelings - without fearing that now they have to go all the way.

In our experience, if you take care of the basics above, you can always work out the practical details - like you've gotten out of the habit, the baby's in the bedroom, setting up a time for sex seems unromantic, lovemaking has grown routine or even boring, and so on. And more than anything, try to let lovemaking deepen your love for each other, touching with a cherishing in your lips and fingertips, the giving of your bodies opening your hearts.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.)

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Foundations of Love

I just don't feel that spark with my husband any more. Who knows what he is feeling because we never talk much beyond "what's for dinner," "what happened at preschool," or "how did it go at work." At night when we could be together, we are so fried that we just go to bed. I read, he goes to sleep, and after awhile I turn out the light. We used to feel so good about each other. Does that feeling come back? Can you lose a spark forever?

It is so easy to conceive a child, and so hard to provide strong and lasting care. I think it is even harder to stay in love

The price of parenthood
Just parenting itself is very difficult. The larger task of making a family -- earning a living, maintaining a marriage, juggling schedules, managing a household, etc. etc. -- is even harder. In the best of circumstances, parenthood strains mothers, fathers, and marriages. And if circumstances are not the best, then the extraordinary work of family-making can damage the health of individual parents and tear marriages apart.

In order to raise children with the greatest possible love and skill, three things are vital. First, mothers and fathers must take care of themselves and each other so they have something to give their child. Second, they must work together. They must find a way to parent consistently, share the load fairly, and solve problems and conflicts. Third, it is best if they stay married and provide a model of a strong and enduring love.

Besides a child's needs, parents have needs and wants of their own. Mothers and fathers need ways to parent well without killing themselves in the process, ways to solve the pressing problems that stress themselves and tear marriages apart, ways to keep alive the spark that drew them together in the first place.

The flame and the wick
A quintessential image of romantic love is candlelight. Candles contains a lesson about staying in love. The lovely flame that lights our lover's shining face is wrapped around an everyday bit of boring blackness, a wick, humdrum -- and absolutely essential.
The fire of romantic love can sustain itself for a while, but over time there must be a wick, a foundation to an enduring love. The foundation of love between parents consists of skill and well-being in two areas: Self and Team. Self and Team intertwine with a third circle -- the Couple. Together, these three circles are the foundation for family.

Self, Team, and Couple
Self is the domain of the individual parent. It includes everything we do, think, and feel, as well as our physical and psychological health. Team is the territory where mothers and fathers must work together (or fail to do so). This includes what they think of each other as parents, how they work out problems, and how they share the load. Couple is the realm of the loving heart. This domain includes friendship, romance, and sexuality. It is the territory of being "in love with" the man or woman one married, beyond being co-managers of the family enterprise.

These spheres are intimately interrelated. If a mother or father becomes physically or psychologically worn out or even unhealthy (Self), she or he will probably have less energy to work things out with the other parent (Team) and have less to bring to the intimate relationship (Couple). It is a cliche with broad implications: tired parents have little interest in sex . . . or conversation, or difficult negotiations about the daily business of schedules, budgets, and what to do when Johnny tells Susie that she looks like a pig.

Or if two parents disagree about parenting practices, or have a hard time cooperating in solutions to the everyday problems of families (such as around schedule or money), or have resentful feelings about not sharing the load fairly (Team) -- then each individual parent will be that much more stressed (Self) and the negative feelings from the breakdown in teamwork will make it harder to be friendly, loving, romantic, or sexual (Couple).

And if there is a cool distance between spouses, or ongoing harsh and critical talk, or no time for their own relationship, or little romance and sexuality (Couple), then the reservoir of goodwill, compassion, and love which couples need to solve problems (Team) will be drained, and individual parents (Self) will not be fed by their intimate relationship and supported by it through the difficult tasks of parenting.

Positive cycles
Because these three spheres are connected, the bad news is that problems in one sphere affect the others. The good news, though, is that when good things happen in one sphere they cause good things to happen in the others. For example, a parent who exercises regularly may feel less stressed (Self) and as a result be more patient during conflicts with a spouse (Team) and feel happier in the intimate relationship (Couple). If mothers and fathers make agreements to share the parenting load more evenly (Team), then individual parents will be less fatigued (Self) and resentments about inequities in the workload will not spill over into the bedroom (Couple). Or if a husband and wife arrange to go out together by themselves once a week or so (Couple), then each is likely to feel a bit more cared for and restored (Self) and also friendlier and more civil at times when disagreements used to get heated (Team).

When parents want to bring back the spark, they are often advised to spend more time together. I think that's great, but if the foundation is shaky (Self and Team) then the benefits of going out will be limited. It may be fun to hear about ways to spice up your love life after children, but not very useful when you feel hurt by your spouse or you'd really rather sleep.

A gift to yourself and your valentine
This Valentine's Day, perhaps a good gift would be to talk about how you can take better care of yourselves and each other. If you are really brave, you might agree on a time (not Valentine's Day!) when you can talk about being better teammates, about how you can treat each other with more respect, speak more civilly, cooperate and compromise more, and negotiate more effectively.

The "how" of caring for parents and working better as a team is pretty straightforward. I have written much on the subject and would be happy to speak with you as well. Many other counselors, including those at the A.P.P.L.E. Family Center, are knowledgable in this area. The key to parental well-being and teamwork is thus not techniques but rather intention followed by sensible work.

When your foundation is solid, it often takes very little to bring back the spark. You were in love with each other once. There was a time when seeing each other made your hearts beat faster. You can feel that way again! Clear away the muck surrounding your wick, straighten it up, and then light a little flame and watch grow ever brighter and hotter.
Happy Valentine's Day!

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Restoring Love

When John and I got married, we were so happy. Ten years later, we have kids, jobs, and tension. Our love is a faraway feeling. We argue and it doesn't settle much. Sometimes things feel good, but mainly we are polite and sort of distant. We just function and get through the week. There is a lot going on inside my head that I am not saying. Where did the love go? What can we do?

Keeping romantic love alive in the midst of raising kids and earning a living is one of the hardest things that anyone can do.

Studies show that the most influential event in the life of a couple is usually the arrival of children. Often, the mother withdraws energy and attention from the father for the children, and the father withdraws from the mother both in reaction to her withdrawal and to provide for the family. Kids can also be the innocent catalysts of conflicts over money, schedules, values, religion, etc.

These are real events with real consequences that require real action.

Commitment
You have already taken the most important step: acknowledging the problem. It is all too easy to kid ourselves. The other day our two year-old didn't want her cornflakes, so she did the (to her) logical thing . . . and pushed them off the table! I could see her thinking: 'They are not in front of me any more, so what's the problem?' Adults can be like that too. Unfortunately, the cornflakes -- or the disappointments, the hurts, the resentments -- are not really gone. And after awhile they start to smell.

Sometimes it is possible to fix things with small changes: getting a babysitter and scheduling a 'date night' each week or so, etc. If that works, great. But it often takes larger steps.

More than house or IRAs, family is our greatest investment. The tentpole of family, upon which all else hangs, is the parental relationship. With all respect, my advice to couples is to do whatever you need to do to get that tentpole straight. Do it for yourselves and do it for your children. Spend the time, the money, the energy. Take breaks if you need to, but don't quit.

Framework
It needs to feel safe to talk with your mate about the relationship, safe to take risks and make changes. Obviously, there must be no actual or threatened violence; if family life is scary, get help immediately from an agency like Marin Abused Women Services. Lead with respect in your dealings with each other. Expressing anger is often necessary, but no mean-spirited attacks, overt or covert. Restoring trust is important, so make clear agreements with each other and keep them.

Buffers help; couples are often 'metal on metal.' Take a big breath before you speak. Practice civility. Spend time apart that is rejuvenating, and deepen friendships with others of the same gender. Write in a journal to clarify thoughts and feelings. Write letters to each other, some of which will never be sent.

If you are not resolving things on your own, involve a professional such as a minister or therapist. A third party can offer a neutral perspective and practical suggestions based on years of experience. Many therapists, including myself, will do an initial screening at no charge and help you to identify the true problems and find what you need. Money is not a legitimate reason not to get professional assistance; there are plenty of sliding scales in Marin, including A.P.P.L.E. (which has an excellent counseling program).

Tools
Tools to restore and deepen love are available from professionals, other couples, and solid books such as Getting the Love You Want. The right tools are going to depend on your exact needs. Much as one reads in books on exercise, I advise you to use these tools under a professional's guidance.

In general, I suggest first that you and your mate take some serious time to write out answers to questions like these: What did you see in the other that made you want to get married? What did you expect in family life? How have you felt disappointed, wronged, or even betrayed? What underlying wounds or issues in you have been reactivated? How have you let down your mate? What needs to change in your home life? How do you feel about the areas of money, schedules, sexuality, childrearing, or equitable sharing of childrearing? What do you need in order to trust him/her? What do you want from him/her? What do you like, respect, or value about the other? What are you prepared to give, to forgive, to change in yourself to improve the relationship?

Second, in a safe environment with plenty of time to talk, take what Steve wrote and read it to him (and vice versa). Let it sink in. Tell each other your understanding of how they feel, and why. Focus initially on their side of the story, not your own. If you feel your mate is still not getting something, tell him/her in as clear and non-hostile a way as possible. But don't get involved in defending yourself: concentrate on empathy and understanding.

Third, pick one or two simple things which you can agree on changing. Write down what the changes will be and actually do them for a couple of weeks. When you start restoring trust, it is important to keep your agreements. If either of you wavers, talk again about your commitment to the family and your relationship. Get some momentum going of positive change. And then pick something else to change and repeat the process.

Fourth, increase the positive. Praise your mate. Do fun things together again. Take a few minutes at the end of each day to tell each other what you appreciate. Touch each other more. Exhange backrubs daily. Give gifts, large and small. Now that you know more clearly what they want, make real efforts to give it to them. And in a loving way, tell them explicitly and concretely what you want.

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The Comforts of Support

Fellowship
One day in the park, when our son was a toddler, a woman we didn't know walked over to Jan and me while her little boy played in the sandbox. She started talking with us energetically about kids, the hassle of buying groceries with a toddler in tow, etc. At first, Jan and I were guarded. Who was this person anyway and what was she after? I was also judgmental: if she was this friendly, there had to be something wrong with her! But soon it became clear that she just wanted to connect with other parents. Then our walls came down. Diane grew up in a large family, and she knew that the similarities among people are greater than the differences. Her son, Brian, became Forrest's first friend, and until she moved back to Iowa, she was Jan's best mom friend. She taught us that day that parents need each other, that we have to get past our judgments and find the comforts of common ground.

When a group of parents gathers, you can see the eyes sweep the room, the looks of recognition, a settling down into a natural place, a wordless and warm sense of belonging. There is a feeling of camaraderie, of being with others who understand without asking. Simply being "a part of" is comforting. It gives us the feeling that we are going through something together, that others are experiencing the same joys, the same ordeals.

And there are lots of ways to feel "a part of." About the time our first child turned one, still blown away by the changes in my life and the second-by-second sense of responsibility as a father, I said to a single friend that it seemed like there were two kinds of people in the world, parents and non-parents. I meant it with no prejudice, just an observation tinged with amazement at the defining event of becoming a parent. But it lodged in his memory, and when he married a few years later and acquired a dog, he assured me that there were two kinds of people in the world, those with dogs and those without! Then he and his wife had a child; with good humor, he proposed a special category, "parents with dogs"!

Mothers and fathers find a feeling of fellowship in lots of ways and places. Sometimes it is with one other parent, perhaps chatting on the phone, or bumping into someone at the store, or getting together with the kids. Sometimes it is in a small group. For example, one of the rewards of volunteering to help with children's' activities is the chance to do things with a few other parents. And sometimes we find fellowship in larger groups, such as a mothers' club meeting, our kid's Spring Festival, or sitting in the stands at Little League game. These gatherings can be scheduled or spontaneous. And the participants can vary. The other parent might have children the same age as ours, or even fully grown; parents further down the road have a special perspective and wisdom. Maybe that other parent is our husband or wife! We can look for a sense of camaraderie with our mate amidst the hubbub of the day, and try not to take it for granted.

Questions:
Where do you experience fellowship with other parents?
About how much time each day do you have a sense of fellowship with another parent, including your spouse?
Is there a little thing you could do to enjoy more fellowship with other parents? Get together with a parent friend? Start a conversation with a parent you don't know well? Go to a meeting of your PTA, or a mother's club? Cultivate more friendships with other parents?

Listening
One of the best things about being with another person is the simplest: someone is listening. As he or she gives us attention, as we feel that our words and thoughts and feelings are being received, we shed a burden. When the jumbled words in our head come out, they don't usually seem as bad. We feel known by another; this feeling is so crucial to being human that it is one of the central developmental accomplishments of an infant's first year.

What we have to say doesn't need to be profound; in fact, it's usually pretty humdrum, perhaps a little story or a rambling internal weather report. In particular, sometimes we just need to vent. It's fine to gripe, grumble, and complain as long as we don't make a life out of it. (Obviously we need to choose the "grumblee," the receiver of our blast, with a bit of care, and make it clear that our beef is not with him personally and we don't expect any solutions.)

After listening, sometimes the other person will offer her empathy, the comforting sense that she really gets how it is for me. There is a challenge here, in that another person needs to know our inner world to be empathic, yet it can feel scary to be revealed. The gates open -- or at least a window is unshuttered. How can we receive the comforts of empathy while feeling safe?

I think the answer lies in two things: in choosing our listeners with care, and in being a bit assertive. First, some people are naturally empathic. They can pick up on little signs, and they have great emotional imagination. Other people are empathic when things are made plain, typically with words. And there are people who seem to have little ability to put themselves in another person's shoes. When we take the reality of the other person into account, we can seek out those who are highly empathic. If they are not available, we make a little effort to say things clearly to people who need things spelled out. And we can have realistic expectations about people who aren't very empathic.

Second, we can simply ask others to be better listeners. Oh, the effrontery! Sometimes parents can feel that empathy is one of those mysterious things which is wonderful to receive yet impossible to ask for. But in fact there is no rule anywhere that says you can't ask for empathy. Empathy is a real, objective characteristic of a person, and the word is in the dictionary if there is any confusion about what you are requesting. Another person can willfully choose to be more empathic with you. If he or she is reluctant, you can ask why. Empathy is not pity, flattery, or sympathy; in particular, it is not agreement. One can extend empathy without giving up one's position or "taking the blame." And empathy for you does not mean the other person's contributions or suffering are any less; there is no worldwide scarcity of empathy so that if you get some there will be less to go around. Would it be possible at this point for you and your spouse to agree to give each other more empathy? In my experience as a couples counselor, if a husband and wife can just start being a little more empathic with each other, it's one of the best things that can happen to their marriage.

Questions:
Who lets you know, sometimes without words, that he or she knows what you are going through? Would it work to talk more with this person (or persons)?
Is there someone that you wish were more empathic?

Suggestions:
Try starting more conversations, especially with your spouse, by saying essentially "You're not the target, and I'm looking for just listening and not help."
Try speaking empathically with others. Examples of empathic speech include: "My guess is that you're feeling _________ ," "That must have been hard," "You probably feel tired," "When that happened, were you thinking _________?" "I'm sorry you feel so ______ ," "Wow, that must have been exciting!" "So for you it's a mixture of _______ and _______ , is that right?"
Try asking another person to be more empathic with you. It may help to give concrete examples of what you mean.

Encouragement
The root meaning of encouragement is wonderful: to give heart. Encouragement heartens us, cheers us on, comforting us with inspiration, hope, and reassurance.

Much of the work of raising a family seems perversely designed to bring a parent down to earth -- or even under it! Wiping the rear of a baby, being barfed on, quarreling with a spouse, reworking budgets, listening to your seven-year-old tell you that every other parent in the world is nicer than you -- it's easy to lose a sense of inspiration, of the ideals that move us as parents, of that which is grand or uplifting. Where could you turn for more inspiration? Perhaps there are books, or spiritual teachers, or settings in nature that inspire you. Perhaps there is someone, maybe a wise aunt or a family friend, who is inspiring through their own example, who returns you naturally to your highest ideals.

Many things can give us hope that things will work out, that things will get better. For example, sometimes the gallows humor of other parents is weirdly hopeful. Once I was grumbling about getting no sleep with our infant daughter. My friend, whose son was soon going off to college, drawled "Don't worry, it's just a phase. It'll be over soon -- in about eighteen years." We chuckled together, he at miseries past and me at miseries to come, but I felt the hope that he got through it and could still laugh about it. If other parents could, I could too.

Reassurance comes in many forms. A friend can help us see that we are not a bad parent, that the baby won't die from a wet diaper. Or she can put things in a realistic perspective, perhaps reminding us that some phase will pass, that young children do ultimately learn how to sleep through the night.

Sometimes just the efforts of others to reassure us help us feel better, even if we can't take what they say too literally. For example, when Jan was scheduled for the C-section for our second child, we waited together for the procedure to begin. She was very nervous, and she worried that her nervousness would make the operation go bad, which made her extra crazy with fear. She told me to say something, anything, to help her feel better. Out of my mind with concern, I started babbling a story about how our baby daughter was like a little fish swimming around, peaceful and happy inside a dark pool, and she was looking forward to the light, to the sweet net that would come and catch her up into a boat full of loving people who had lots of blankies and treats waiting, and they would always love her, and she would grow up healthy and happy and strong. Of course, I didn't actually know squat about what was going to happen in the operating room, but Jan was reassured anyway.

Questions:
Who or what cheers you on?
Who or what inspires you?
Who or what gives you hope?
Who or what reassures you?


Suggestions:
Spend more time with sources to you of inspiration, hope, and reassurance.
Try letting one or two people know that you could periodically use a bit of encouragement.

Relief
Can you remember one of those days when your child was really a handful and you were alone with him and the hours dragged by and then AT LAST your spouse walked in the door and lent a hand and you could finally get a break? Can you recall a sense of the relief you felt?

Sometimes the most comforting thing of all for a parent is -- nothing. No task, no talk. Just blissful emptiness, the ending of effort, of pain, of strain. Quiet. Peace. Time out. Tune out.

Relief prevents stress from growing to the point of critical mass. For example, most parents can care for young children alone for four to six hours without a meltdown. But by the seventh or eighth hour, a typical parent is in Condition Yellow -- and maybe Red. By the ninth or tenth hour, most parents are redlining: the needle is pegged against the end of the scale, and the internal warning systems are screaming "Alert! Dangerous overload. Shut down!" The bodies of most people can handle stress up through Condition Yellow quite well. It is extended periods in the Red Zone that do the most damage. This is why it is so upsetting when a spouse comes home later than promised. If a parent gets some relief at the point that he or she is heading into the Red, the timer gets reset to zero (or close to it), and then the parent can again bring a refreshed body and mind to caring for the family.

Relief for a parent usually means the concrete support of others. It's often modest: a spouse puts one child to bed so we can spend a more relaxing time with the other child, someone swaps carpool with us, we trade childcare with a neighbor, or we take the afternoon off work. Relief can be informal or more structured. For example, a wonderful form of organized relief is the "in a pinch" support offered within many mothers' clubs.

Questions:
What pulls you from Condition Yellow into Condition Red?
Are there fairly predictable events or schedules that are likely to put you in Condition Red? Is there anything you could do consistently to prevent that (such as one parent arranging to start work half an hour earlier and come home half an hour sooner, or perhaps feeding the kids first before settling down to a quieter dinner of your own)?


Suggestions:
Create a brief time of respite in each day, perhaps half an hour or so, in which you do not have to do anything.

Conclusion
Sometimes parents can feel that they shouldn't need the support of others, that they should be like some kind of solitary Western hero, the sherrif alone at high noon taking care of the bad guys. Not true! No one can parent well without the support of others. No one. It is through opening up to support, asking for support -- and frankly, sometimes, demanding needed support -- that we receive what we need to give to our children.

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