Properties Of The Best Women

* She is content: Such woman is the best one who becomes happy and content when her husband puts a loving glance on her, and when he orders her for something right, she obeys him immediately, and never does any thing against his will. - Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw)
* She is a great cook and a good administrator: A woman who cooks neat, clean and delicious food for her husband. Allah has provided great food for such nice wife in paradise. In heaven, she will be asked to drink and eat whatever you wish, as this is the reward for the pain and services which you performed for your husband! - Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw)
* The best woman among your women is one who cooks delicious food, spends the money justly and does not waste it. Such women are the workers of Allah, and the workers of Allah never get hopeless and regretful! - Imam Jafer-e-Sadiq (as)
* She is priceless: A woman doesn't have any price, whether she is good or bad. A good and nice lady can not be measured with money or gold or silver, as she is far more expensive and precious than money or gold. Similarly, a woman with bad character and worst nature can not be compared with sand, as sand is far more higher and good than her. - Imam Jafer-e-Sadiq (as)
* She is loving, caring and patient: Do not you want me to tell you about those ladies who will enter paradise? A woman who is loving and caring to her husband, and gives births to his children and when he gets angry with her, she instantly says My hand is in your hand like she does not get satisfied until her husband becomes happy with her. - Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw)
* She is obedient: Lucky and fortunate woman is one who respects her husband and does not give him any pain, hurt or discomfort and does not makes him worried and obeys him in all the right aspects of life. - Imam Jafer-e-Sadiq (as)
* She does Jehaad: The Jehaad of woman is that she must not lose her patience if she gets hurt from her husband. Her patience is her Jehaad. - Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw)

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Fatima (r) The Daughter Of The Prophet (s)

Jab Kabhi Ghairat-e-Insaan Ka Sawaal Aata Hai
Bint-e-Zehra Terey Pardey Ka Khayaal Aata Hai

Fatima bint Muhammad (r) is one of the four noblest women in Islamic teachings. This is not just because she is the daughter of the Prophet of Islam or the wife of Imam Ali or the mother of Hasan and Hussain. These relationships are significant in themselves, but Fatima (r) is important to the Muslims in her own right.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is seen as the perfect model of the values and teachings that were revealed in the holy Qur'an. He was the Last Prophet and the Qur'an was the Final Revelation: no prophet or scripture is to be sent after him. However, the Prophet was a man and so he could not be a complete role model for half of the humanity; therefore, there was a need for a perfect female model of Qur'anic values and teachings. And that role model for women was Fatima (r), the daughter of the Prophet. This is how Fatima (r) is part of the Prophet; she completes the female dimension of the Prophet's function as a complete role model for humanity.

That is why the Prophet of Islam described Fatima (r) as follows: "The leader of all the ladies of Paradise." (Sahih al-Bukhari, vol. 4, p.819.)

"Fatima is a part of me, and he who makes her angry, makes me angry." (Sahih al-Bukhari, vol. 5, p. 61.)

According to the holy Qur'an (33:33) she is among the infallibles ones in Islam. This status of infallibility comes with being a part of the Prophetic mission: he is the perfect role model for the men whereas she is the perfect role model for women.

Fatima (r) was not only a loving daughter, a loyal wife and a caring mother; she is known in history as a woman of knowledge and wisdom, and she actively stood up for her rights. An excellent example of her social activism can be seen when she was denied her inheritance upon her father's death. Fatima (r) challenged the authorities in power on basis of the Qur'an. She argued that the Qur'an has examples where the children of past prophets inherited their father. Using the Qur'an as her basis, she argued that she should not be denied her right.

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Khadija (r) - The Wife Of Prophet Muhammad (s)

Khadija bint Khuwaylid (r), the wife of the Prophet, is truly known as a noble lady; she was, in the modern terminology, the First Lady of Islam.

During the Meccan phase of Islam's movement, Khadija (r) was the main pillar of support for Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). She was the first one to declare her faith in Islam. Her declaration of faith was a great testimony of the Prophet's character: a wife knows her husband's outer as well as inner character. By being the first to accept person to accept Islam, Khadija (r) demonstrated that she believed in the truthfulness of Muhammad as the Messenger of God.

The initial years of Islam's mission were very trying; the Prophet faced severe opposition from the people of Mecca. In face of this rejection, Khadija (r) provided the moral support and boasted the morale of the Prophet. According to Muslims historians, he even used to consult and discuss with her the issues related to the Islamic movement.

Khadija (r) whole-heartedly supported the Prophet's cause by placing her wealth at his disposal. Almighty God has praised that by addressing the Prophet: "Did We not find you in need and made your free of need?" (93:8) It was through Khadija's (r) wealth that the Almighty made the Prophet self-sufficient in his financial needs.

Although Khadija (r) came from a very affluent background, she did not shy from sacrificing her wealth for the cause of Islam. Not only that, she even willingly went through the difficulties of three years of social/economic embargo imposed upon Prophet Muhammad and his family, the Banu Hashim. The hardship of these three years eventually resulted in her death.

It is to her credit that the Prophet of Islam did not marry another woman as long as Khadija (r) was alive; she was the only wife who bore children for him. The name of Prophet continued through Fatima, the daughter of the Prophet and Khadija. (r)

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Mary Mother Of Jesus(a)

Mary is one of the noblest women in Islamic teachings since she was chosen to miraculously give birth to the Prophet Jesus.

When the Angel approached her with the news that she has been chosen as mother of the Prophet who is to be born miraculously without a father, she was perplexed. She said, "When shall I have a boy and no man has yet touched me, nor have I been unchaste?"

The Angel conveyed the answer of God: "It is easy for Me. And We intend to make Jesus a sign to people and a mercy from Us; and this is a matter which has been decreed."

She was alone when the throes of childbirth compelled her to take refuge by the trunk of a palm tree. She was distressed and said, "I wish that I had died before this, and had been a thing quite forgotten!"

Right then, Jesus was born and he called out: "Grieve not, surely your Lord has made a stream to flow beneath you; and shake towards you the trunk of the palm-tree, it will drop on you fresh ripe dates. So eat, drink and refresh the eyes." She was also told: "If you see people, do not worry about their questions. Just say that you have make a vow to that you shall not speak to any person today."

When she came back to his people with Jesus, they said, "O Mary! Surely you have done a strange thing; your parents were not unchaste people!" She pointed towards the baby. They responded, "How can we speak to a child in the cradle?" At that moment, Jesus, by the power of God, started to speak. He said:

"Surely I am the servant of God, He has given me the Book and made me a prophet. He has made me blessed wherever I may be. He has enjoined on me to pray, to give charity so long as I live, and to be dutiful to my mother. He has not made me insolent and unblessed. So peace upon me on the day I was born, on the day I die, and on the day I shall be raised back to life."

This is the story of the Virgin Mary and her son, Jesus, the Prophet and Messenger of God, as mentioned in Chapter 19 of the Qur'an.

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Asiya Bint Muzahim - The Pharaoh's Wife

The holy Qur'an has presented Asiya bint Muzahim as one of the best role models for women.

Asiya's greatness is in the fact that although she was the wife of one of the most Powerful, arrogant and tyrant rulers of Egypt, she was able to see and accept the truth in message of Prophet Moses. For her, wealth, beauty or status was not the main criterion of human excellence; she realized that without faith in God, a human being has nothing.

God had chosen her to provide refuge to Moses when he was an infant. When her maids brought the cradle of Moses from the river, she insisted to Pharaoh that she wanted to adopt that infant as a child: The wife of Pharaoh said: "(Here is) joy of the eye, for me and for thee: slay him not. It may be that he will be use to us, or we may adopt him as a son." And they perceived not (what they were doing)! (28:9)

Asiya bint Muzahim had declared her faith in the message of God after witnessing the miracle of Moses in the Court of Pharaoh; and after witnessing the death of another believing, woman under torture. Pharaoh tried to turn her away from the God of Moses and sought her mother's help. But Asiya refused to reject the God of Moses. On Pharaoh's order, she Was tortured to death.

The Qur'an says: "And Allah gives an example for those who believe: the wife of pharaoh. (Remember) when she said, 'My Lord! Build for me a house with Thee in the Paradise, and deliver me from Pharaoh and his deeds; and deliver me from the unjust people.'" (66:11)

In this lady, we see the example of supreme sacrifice: By marrying Pharaoh, Asiya bint Muzahim became the Queen of Egypt, she gained everything that she wanted in this worldly life from the materialistic point of view: the best of clothes, food, palaces, jewels, servants and maids, etc. But she sacrificed all that to be closer to Allah. And that is why we see her included by the Prophet in the list of the four women who attained the level of perfection.

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Hajira Mother Of Ishmael (a)

Prophet Ibrahim had become over 90 years old and had no child. Sarah, his wife, gave her slave-girl, by name of Hajira, to Ibrahim as a wife. Through Hajira, Almighty God blessed Ibrahim with a son: Ishmael (peace be upon him).

Sarah became jealous of Hajira. Finally, decided to test the patience of Ibrahim by asking him to take Hajira and the infant Ishmael into a desert and leave them there. Ibrahim was guided to that desert area which later became famous as Mecca. Prophet Ibrahim brought Hajira and Ishmael to Mecca and left them as commanded by God.

Whatever provisions Ibrahim had brought for his wife and child finally ran out. The baby Ishmael started crying out of thirst. Hajira set out in search for water. She was standing on the small hill of Safa; she looked towards the hill of Marwah and thought that there was water over there. When she reached Marwah, there was not water; it was just a mirage. She turned facing Safa and thought that there was water over there. She returned to Safa, but there was no water; it was just a mirage.

As mother, desperately looking for water for her child, Hajira ran between the hills of Safa and Marwah seven times. Finally, she saw that a water stream had started at the feet of Ishmael. This miraculous steam is still running on beside the Kaaba, the House of God, and it is known as Zamzam.

God so much loved the spirit of motherhood demonstrated by Hajira - ho ran seven times between the hills of Safa and Marwah in search of water for her child that, He has commanded the Muslim pilgrims to walk between the hills of Safa and Marwah when they go for the pilgrimage.

The ritual of walking between the two hills of Safa and Marwah seven times is an essential part of pilgrimage and it perpetuates the memory of Hajira as a mother.

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Modesty & Decency (Highest Achievement For Humanity)

HOLY QUR'AN PROCLAIMS: O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. ( Soorah-e-Ahzaab, verse 59)

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss. ( Soorah-e-Noor, verse 31)

Islam does not allow free and unrestricted intermingling of the sexes. The rule of modesty applies to men as well as women.

CORRUPT VS PURE: Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable. (Holy Quran 24:26)

A woman's best Jewelry is her Shyness. - Lady Fatima Zehra (sa)

Nice girls are with Hijaab. - Prophet Muhammad (saw)

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Women's Role

The Purpose of Life: Wherever God talks about the human beings (Insaan) or whenever He talks about human soul (Nafs) in the Qur'an, Muslims theologians and scholars have never considered that humanness or the soul as 'male' or 'female'. (See 51:56, 91:1-10; 53:38-39)

The male or female division is only possible when we talk about the physical dimension of humans, not when we talk about the spiritual dimension. And so, from the Islamic perspective, the humanness of woman has never been denied or questioned; nor has there ever been any discussion whether she possesses a soul or not.

Since both are same in their humanness, both have been created for the same purpose: to serve God.

The Virtues in Human Beings: Whenever and wherever Islam has talked about virtues in human beings, it has not differentiated between men and women. Both have the potential to acquire knowledge. Both, men and women, are expected to exhibit the spirit of piety and other good attributes in Islam.

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Mother - The Fountain Of Life

And the paradise is under the feet of your mothers. - Prophet Muhammad (saw)

Islam has greatly emphasized the issue of loving and respecting the parents, the father and the mother. In our infancy and childhood, we needed the protection, love and nurturing of the parents; but when they become old, they need us to protect them and take care of them.

"Your Lord has commanded that you shall not worship (anyone) but Him and to be good to the parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) 'Ugh' nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word. And lower for them 'the wings of humility' out of mercy; and pray; 'O my Lord! Have mercy on them as they brought me up (when I was) little.'" (17:23-24)

However, out of the two, the mother has been given greater priority as far as kindness is concerned. Once Hakim bin Hizam came to the Prophet of Islam and asked: "To whom should I be kind?" The Prophet replied, "Your mother." Hakim asked, "Then to whom?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." Hakim asked, "Then to whom?" The Prophet replied, "Your mother." Only when Hakim asked the fourth time that, "Then to whom?" the Prophet replied, "Your father." This shows that the right of mother upon the children is three times more than the rights of father as far as kindness is concerned.

Imam Ali bin Hussain, the great-grandson of the ProphetImam Ali bin Hussain, the great-grandson of the Prophet, said: "Coming to the rights of relatives, it is the right of your mother that you should appreciate that she carried you [in her womb] as nobody carries anybody, and fed you the fruits of her heart which nobody feeds anybody, and protected you [during pregnancy] with her ears, hands, legs, hair, limbs, [in short] with her whole being, gladly, cheerfully and carefully; suffering patiently all the worries, pains, difficulties and sorrows [of pregnancy], till the hand of God removed you from her and brought you into this world."

"Then she was most happy feeding you, even if she herself had no clothes; giving you milk and water; not caring for her own thirst; keeping you in the shade, even if she had to suffer from the heat of the sun; giving you every comfort with her own hardship; lulling you to sleep while keeping herself awake."

"And [remember that] her womb was your abode, and her lap your refuge, and her breast your feeder, and her whole existence your protection; it was she, not you, who was braving the heat and cold of this world for your safety."

"Therefore, you must remain thankful to her accordingly, and you cannot do so except by the help and assistance from Allah." (The Charter of Right, p.18)

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Noble and Pious Women

Islam emphasizes the equality of all people, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender or social status. Islam has prescribed different roles and responsibilities for men and women, with each gender complementing the other. Centuries before the modern world recognized women's rights, Islam acknowledged the equality of the two genders, and abolished the barbaric ritual of burying infant daughters alive, an outrageous crime practiced by the Arabs before the time of the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him).

Islam made women aware of their rights and gave them an identity, a personality, freedom, and independence. These rights, among others, include the right to inherit, to own property, to obtain a divorce, to collect a dowry, and to gain child custody. Regarding the equality of the genders, the Holy Qur'an states:

"Surely the men who submit and the women who submit, and the believing men and the believing women, and the obeying men and the obeying women, and the truthful men and the truthful women, and the patient men and the patient women and the humble men and the humble women, and the almsgiving men and the almsgiving women, and the fasting men and the fasting women, and the men who guard their private parts and the women who guard, and the men who remember Allah much and the women who remember-Allah has prepared, for them forgiveness and a mighty reward." (33:35)

Muslims consider four ladies to be the most noble and pious:

1. Aasiya - Wife of Fir'awn / Pharoah (peace be upon her)

2. Maryam / Mary - Mother of Isa / Jesus (peace be upon her)

3. Khadija - Wife of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon her)

4. Fatima - Daughter of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon her)

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A Woman

A woman is a flower vase of beauty and fragrance. So smell her gently, do not wrestle with her! - Imam Ali (as)

Women are like flowers. Do not put on them responsibilities they can not bear! - Imam Ali (as)

According to Islam, being a human, woman is even superior to angels and all other living organisms. If she performs any good task or deed, she will be equally blessed as much as a man will for his good deeds.

She is the benefactor and patron of Islam, as lady Khadija (Wife of Holy Prophet [saw]).

Status of Woman in IslamShe is a partner of prophethood, as lady Fatima (Daughter of Holy Prophet [saw]).

She is one of the greatest leaders, as lady Zainab (Daughter of Imam Ali [as])

She superior to man, as a mother.

She's respectable like a saint.

She is precious like an expensive pearl.

She is honorable like a delicate rose.

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Emotional Incest - True Story

Emotional Incest - True Story

Many teenage girls suffer the consequences of a father-daughter-mother triangle in which the father's over-expressed love for the daughter motivates the mother to reject both daughter and father. They are survivors of emotional incest - adult children of parents who inappropriately loved their children. See Daddy's Princess and Mother's Little Prince. This is a true story.
Troubled Teenagers

... My father loves me but my mother disapproves of everything I do. She rejects me and she calls me depressed and hyperactive and worse ... I don't know what I did to hurt her - and I hurt too ... no matter how much sex, booze or grass, my hurt comes back ... when I'm alone, I cry and scream. Sometimes I cut or burn myself. Pain helps calm me feel calm ... for a while. I'm 17 years old and already I feel that I have no future.

Teenage girls who feel rejected by their mothers react in many predictable ways. In extreme cases these girls may ...

* dye their hair in multiple colors
* take prescription anti-depressants
* be very thin - sometimes anorexic
* use or have used illegal drugs heavily
* have cuts or cigarette burns on their arms
* prefer garish make-up - often shades of purple
* have self-inflicted piercings with unusual studs
* have red or white scars on their wrists and forearms

... Two months ago I tried to kill myself by drinking cleaning fluid. But my best friend phoned the police. When they saw my wrists, they knew I'd tried to kill myself before. They gave me antidepressants and a suicide watch. At least they cared that much.

Although we find that most depression reflect relationship issues, a common solution for depression is medication. The more expensive anti-depressants are SSRI - selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors such as Zoloft, Prozac or Paxil. These drugs increase serotonin in the brain. Yet most depression seems to reflect relationship problems. Drugs, legal or illegal, are unlikely to heal relationships.
Common Side Effects of SSRI Anti-Depressants

* Headaches
* Drowsiness
* Tremors
* Nausea
* Upset stomach
* Diarrhea
* Heavy sweating
* Disturbed sleep
* Decreased libido

Many older, cheaper anti-depressants are MAOI (MonoAmine Oxidase Inhibitors), with worse side effects. MAO inhibitors such as Nardil, Parnate and Marplan may be prescribed when other drugs fail. For side effects of MAOI anti-depressants ... visit Side Effects of MAOI.

Ritalin, an amphetamine, is a drug of choice for hyperactivity and attention deficit disorders. Side effects associated with Ritalin include irritability or anger and loss of appetite.

Many depressed survivors of emotional incest medicate themselves with alcohol, nicotine and illegal drugs. You may call these people addicts - do you not hear their silent screams for help?
Attachment Disorders & Relationship Bonds

Emotional incest is associated with attachment disorders and relationship bonds that can affect all aspects of life. Systemic Solutions offers coaching solutions for:

Behavior: defiant, impulsive, destructive, lies and steals, aggressive and abusive, hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel, irresponsible
Emotions: intense anger, sadness, depressed, hopeless, moody, anxious, irritable
Thoughts: limiting self-beliefs, poor friendship skills, attention and learning problems
Relationships: no trust, controlling, manipulative, unstable relationships, victimizer
Physical: poor hygiene, accidents, dissociated, depressed, hyperactive
Moral/Spiritual: lack of compassion, remorse, meaning, identifies with darkness

Medication is a common way to manage (not cure) these symptoms. Medication is not the only way - but may be the easiest way to manage symptoms. We offer alternative, long-term solutions.
Teenage Sex

... Last year I started having sex with my 37 year old social worker. He told me that he would teach me about sex. He is gentle. He has other young girls - he said he doesn't want a girl over 18. He wants two or three of "his girls" together but I said no to that. I don't know why.

Sexual intercourse with many partners increases the risk of pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and damaged reproductive health. Studies show that girls who start having sex at young ages often have many sexual partners. Also, teenage girls who have sex with more than one partner over a few weeks are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, use illegal drugs and / or sniff glue.

These behaviors are likely to hurt a girl's health, education, sport abilities, future partnership and / or future children, unless the behaviors are assimilated and any trauma or guilt dissolved.

... I know lots of girls who are like me but my best friend is more stable. We sometimes sleep together ... people call us bisexual but our boyfriends say its OK. We go to a girl's boarding school ... some days its more like a psychiatric hospital for rich girls. Many of us will only go to university unless our parents bribe somebody ... or we seduce somebody ... it happens a lot.

Medication is not the only way. Our systemic solutions can resolve complex relationship problems. But few people who do not witness our work can imagine that fast, effective resolution is possible.

Coaching Young Adults . Individual Coaching . Couple Coaching . Family Coaching
Systemic Solutions

People who feel abandoned or rejected by parents may become emotional or trance-like if asked about their goals. They may be diagnosed with Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia. They

* avoid finishing projects
* cannot specify congruent goals
* distract themselves with obsessions
* express anxiety and strong emotions
* offer endless excuses for their behavior

Martyn, your article brought flashbacks of my walk on the wild side ... fortunately I was not so creative in self-destruction. I found some healthy mentors and:
* I changed my values and beliefs about who controls my life
* I avoided unfriendly environments and considered seclusion
* I enjoyed the therapeutic roles of nature and a dog named Gigi (see family pets)
* I decided that my life is sacred and that I deserve to be here

I was sick and tired of suffering. I took responsibility for my life and found better options than being a victimizer, a victim or a helper! MB Zagreb, Croatia

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Wonderful Daughter

Now that I have a wonderful daughter, life has shown me how blessed and joyful it can be. I don't know if it is my daughter that has shown me this directly, or whether looking through her eyes has given me a new perspective on life. She is only 4 years old but already has demonstrated the personality and quirks that are years beyond her age. This has prompted me to think that I am not the only one that is experiencing the wonders of having a daughter.What are your experiences ? What do you feel blessed about? This is the feel good site. Let's take time out to celebrate our mother daughter relationships. This is the forum for mothers and daughters to exchange views and build relationships.

Mothers on the Run....what a realistic view of us in today's society. So often, my husband and I want the world to stop for just an hour, so that we can savour the moments as they happen. Life is about working, living, juggling and at some point sleeping! I look over and see my little girl and feel her growing up much too fast. She still looks for me when I the leave room and asks me thousands of questions a day. But we do need to let her grow. She starts school next year and for her a new chapter will unfold. What are your experiences out there? How do we try to retain the innocence, without stifling the child? What do we do when her friends' influences become more important than yours? We need time out to take a breath and be thankful for the special presence we hold with our daughters. Think about the relationship you share with your mother; hasn't that changed over the years? As teenagers, we told our mothers we knew everything, which eventually took us to a point of "wisdom" where we knew so little! What is your view? The mother daughter relationship touches everyone in some way.

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Me Mother - You Daughter

Many women have difficult relationships with their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships. A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends. A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life - while giving very different messages to her sons.

Many adult women recognize the difficult behavior of their mothers yet find themselves criticizing their own daughters, with endless demands and barely controlled emotions. We find it difficult to attach too much importance to mother fixation in both men and women.

Daughters and Rivals

The birth of a child is always important. If the child is son, and the new mother is not stable, she may cling to her child as a perfect love-object. If the child is a daughter, a lonely father may find a willing recipient for his unexpressed love.

Many families are dominated by a mother. A strong woman arguing with her partner is relatively healthy, if the children are excluded. Unfortunately children are often drawn into the family politics of fighting parents. If the parents do not solve their problems, a daughter may protect an immature father from a complaining mother. And a daughter may become a substitute woman-friend for mother.

If a woman agrees with her own mother's opinion about her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and sympathize with her mother. An adult daughter may keep this belief though life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the same way as her mother treated her husband.

A daughter who sees this game may ask dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized she is by mother.

I have talked with hundreds of women about this. Many say that not only their fathers get angry, leaving the room, watching TV, smoking, or drinking, but even they as small children they heard long hours of mothers' complaints and criticisms. As little girls they learned that complaining and criticizing are normal ways to communicate.

Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other. Few mothers abandon, abuse or neglect their children; and most mothers have good intentions and nurture and protect their children through childhood. Some adult children blame their mothers for their own life problems.

Happiness is often an issue in family politics. An unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.

Soulwork systemic solutions encourages and enables acceptance and clarity in difficult relationships. Acceptance and understanding can reunite mothers and daughters who have problems relating to or even tolerating each other.
Health Problems

Some health problems associated with toxic mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, bulimia, delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions, overweight, schizophrenia and suicidal thoughts. The daughters of dysfunctional mothers may suffer:

* Sexual dysfunction
* Teenage pregnancy
* Drug and alcohol abuse
* Sexually transmitted diseases
* Relationships with abusive men

Motherhood

Some mothers want and enjoy the responsibilities of motherhood. Others may radiate complaints, justifications and excuses, as they express their lost independence and suffering to whoever might listen. Their diminished responsibility may have heavy consequences for their children.

A son may try to "partner" or "parent" a lonely mother, becoming prematurely mature. Like fireworks, these boys often burn out in their mid 20's. Despite intelligence and education, they may be be content with undemanding work, such as in a factory or driving a bus. See Mother's Little Prince.

Sons with mother-fixations often show low emotional intelligence. These men are often unable to work in adult teams nor maintain an adult partnership. Martyn often refers to such men as mother-bonded.

A daughter may also try to "partner" or "parent" her immature mother, but unlike a son, she may hide her intellect and delay her maturity - perhaps to show her mother that her mother is not so bad.
Changing Worlds

Mothers who try to impose their own childhood on their daughters may experience a rude awakening. The world has changed ... and so has our sense of what is normal:

Mothers’ Generation

* Economic depression was normal
* Repressive conservatism was normal
* Nuclear families were normal
* Early marriage was normal
* Basic education was normal

Daughters’ Generation

* Economic recovery is normal
* Political chaos is normal
* Varied family structures are normal
* Delayed marriage is normal
* Higher education is normal
Intra-Family Codependence

Martyn and I studied emotional incest - especially entanglements between daughters and fathers; and between sons and mothers. Our research, descriptions and conclusions about intra-family codependence hit home and seem uncomfortably close to the reality of many people.

The relationship cycle of mothers and daughters may seem simple:

1. Conception: A fetus is conceived
2. Birth: A baby girl is born
3. Infancy: The daughter fixates on her mother
4. Childhood: Mother teaches daughter how to be female
5. Adolescence: Daughter pushes away from mother to find independence
6. Partnership: Daughter selects and attracts a partner
7. Motherhood: Daughter becomes pregnant and gives birth

Daughters who partner or parent their fathers may be motivated to hide their intelligence, ambition and potential - from their family, friends and even from themselves. Descriptions of women who are fixated on their fathers are at Daddy's Princess.
Mothers' Perspective

A mother may have unrealistic expectations, for example:

* My daughter will like me and be like me
* My daughter will love me above all others
* I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
* We can have the relationship that I always wanted with my mother

When these hopes appear unattainable, the mother may feel desperate and angry, despairing that her dreams cannot be fulfilled. The daughter may feel rejected for who she is - and only be accepted if she repeats her mother's scripts.
Adolescence

Some mothers try to relive their youth through their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' best friends. A mother may try to fill her daughter's life with her own unaccomplished goals, and may immerse herself into her daughter's life. A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or the daughter may identify with her mother.

Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want their mothers' approval but may not ask mother for approval. Daughters may want assurance that they are loved for who they are - not for who they may become. Mothers can find ways to affirm young women who are emerging from childhood.
Young Adulthood

Mother-daughter conflicts leave both women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough" may avoid asking for coaching and advice.

A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are adults and sometimes even behave like adults. And sometimes not.
Independent Woman

Mothers provide nurturing and security for a newborn human to survive physically and develop emotionally. Beyond that, a new human has many other resources and opportunities. Some children may blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or inappropriate behavior. These children remain children despite the age of their bodies.

Adults take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and actions. Children tend to blame their parents. Some questions of a mature daughter may be:

* Who am I if I am not my mother?
* Why do I want my mother's approval?
* Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
* Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
* What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?

A daughter's transition to womanhood requires female sharing and caring. A mother can support her daughter's experiences in partnership. When daughter's first child is born, most daughters welcome their mother's physical and emotional support. A daughter may feel independent at around age 30.
Role Reversal

There may come a time when the daughter becomes a caregiver to the mother. This can be a stressful time, perhaps with a decision "Should I ask Mom to live with me or put her into a nursing home?"
Tips for Mothers

* Avoid blaming your children for your problems
* Accept your children as unique human beings
* Do not expect your children to change for your comfort
* Be aware of the passing years - let your children grow up
* Evaluate your desires and life goals apart from your children

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