What Dad Can Do for Mom

I feel worn out and wish my husband would give me more support. He says he wants to and that I should just give him a list. Any ideas?

Out of our marriage and experience with many couples with children, here's a Top Ten list (in no particular order) addressed to a father; hopefully some of these suggestions will fit your relationship:

Take initiative with the kids - When a child has a need or a problem, dive in. For example, you be the one to tend to your child in a restaurant. If your wife offers a suggestion, take on board what's useful in her comment, and keep diving in.

Take on a regular chore - Pick an everyday childrearing or housework task and start doing it routinely with little fanfare.

Arrange date nights - Set up the babysitting, take the lead in telling your kids that you're going out, and be the last one out the door.

Start by joining - Try to have your opening move be one of interest, support, empathy, and what you agree with - rather than withdrawal, detached analysis, or disagreement. Imagine how you'd feel if you were she, if you had her tasks, her day, her life. Try to explore any negative feelings in her rather than step back from them or try to fix them quickly so they go away.

Ask three questions in a row - Every day, try to ask three questions in a row about her inner experience, such as:
How did you feel when _______ ?
Deep down, what did you really want in that situation?
Can you say more about that?
How was _______ related to _______ for you?

Give her a night off each week - From start to finish, handle one night a week. It's fine to have take-out and to do things your way (as long as the effects don't spill over onto her). If she wants to stay home and take a long bath, you're still in charge of the kids and the housework.

Reach out to her first - A relationship is like a series of volleys in tennis, and it's typically the woman who puts the ball in play. Instead, you be the one to call to see how her day is going. Give her a card or small present out of the blue. Be the one to say, "Hey, let's talk."

Stick up for her with your family and friends - Put your wife in a good light. Imagine that the conversation is being recorded and your wife will listen to it; what would her reaction be?

Communicate a vulnerable feeling or wish - Share some part of your inner experience that is soft, vulnerable, and open. If it makes you squirm a bit to imagine saying it - that's what you ought to say!

Be affectionate without it being about sex - Besides the obvious (hugs, etc.), try little massages or back scratches, rubbing her feet, or fluffing her hair. Ask her what she likes. With words, tell her things that you like about her, why you're fond of her. Tell her you love her. A lot.

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Where's Dad?

My wife is on my case and I don't get it. Example: A week ago she tells me I make too much noise when she's trying to put our baby girl to sleep. So last night I stayed in the den while Amy was screaming up a storm and I guess wouldn't nurse. Finally Amy's asleep and my wife comes in and glares at me and says I'm clueless about parenting because I should have come in and asked her if I could help. I was just trying to do what she had said earlier and figured if she wanted something she'd tell me. My wife is the main parent anyway. The kids go to her because they are used to her. I work hard to support my family and do a ton more than my dad ever did as a parent. I have got to relax a little and get my head together at night in order to go to work the next day.

It can feel really confusing and unfair to men (1) to be doing more as a father than their dads did yet (2) be the object of regular complaints by their wives for not doing enough or doing it wrong. Your dismay and unhappiness are (unfortunately) common experiences among fathers -- as are the factors which lead to them. If we can understand those factors, perhaps both fathers and mothers can feel better, and children can grow up in a happier home. It may feel unfortunate, but I think it is no longer enough (if it ever was) for fathers to rely largely on mothers to be the glue that holds families together.

The key to optimal childrearing and a happy marriage
My understanding of the most important factor in excellent childrearing has gone through four stages. When I first started studying parenting, I thought that the way to optimize child development was to fine-tune little details in the interactions between parents and children. Then I came to believe that the most important influence on the well-being of the child was the relationship between the parents. Next I observed that the crucial factor in a strong marriage after children was typically the couple's ability to solve problems and share the load of parenting effectively. Finally, through reading some exciting new research on the transition to parenthood, I saw that the key to solving problems and maintaining a loving marriage was one thing: a deep and continuing involvement by the father in parenting.

Research shows that when men are more involved in their families, they feel better about themselves, their wives feel better about themselves, their marriage is more satisfying to each spouse, and remarkably, their children are more popular and successful in elementary school.

Not blaming fathers
It's important to realize that the father's involvement in the family is the result of many factors: men, women, economics, and culture all contribute. I am not blaming fathers. These days, dads too (like moms) are pulled in different directions by changing expectations about their proper role in the family coupled with unrelenting pressures to be a successful breadwinner. Mothers may complain about their husband's disengagement yet be unclear in their wishes (as in your example), needlessly critical, disrespectful of different styles of parenting, or even threatened by a father's competence. Although it is unfair, the workplace typically rewards men more than women for continuing to work for pay after children, and is usually unsympathetic to fathers who want to shift their priorities from job to home. And there is still a widespread and deeply held belief that mothers should be the principal parent and that there is something odd about men who are strongly pulled into a nurturing role.

Nonetheless, when we step outside of a framework of blame, the fact still remains that it is profoundly important to children -- and husbands and wives -- that fathers take a very active role in parenting. There is an African proverb which states that "It takes a village to raise a child." With all the fragmentation of modern life, the "village" that raises most kids these days is at best a village of two. If dad is MIA, then it's a village of one. That doesn't work.

Tears at the fabric of marriage
Additionally, a father's half-hearted or inept involvement in the daily nitty-gritty of parenting tears at the fabric of a marriage, sometimes to the point that it rips apart. Often there are problems of inequity, in which a mother is clearly doing more work overall than a father. On mornings, evenings and weekends, are the tasks of caring for children and home shared equally in your family, regardless of who works for pay? If not, it's plainly unfair. (Obviously, equivalent effort with specialized roles is not unfair, such as when dad reads stories while mom does the dishes.)

In other cases, there are problems of different expectations about the roles of mothers and fathers. A psychologist, Jay Belsky, has identified three types of "gender ideology": Traditionalists who believe that women should do most of the parenting and housework, Transitionalists who believe that men should have some involvement but women should still do the bulk of the work, and Egalitarians, who believe the load should be shared equally. Dr. Belsky found that problems emerged in marriages when there were mismatches in ideology, such as a Traditional man married to an Egalitarian woman.

Inequities and colliding gender ideologies breed misunderstandings, hurts, and resentments. Each little episode of conflict nicks at the relationship. The cuts can accumulate to the point that the marriage hangs by a thread.

No Disneyland dad
There is a difference between showy gestures of parenting and the real thing carried out over days and months and years. Sometimes fathers make sporadic efforts to look good and get their wives off their backs. Too bad for men, women see right through this kind of grandstanding. It is also cruel because it raises the hopes of children and mothers only to be disappointed.

If you had an employee who approached his job with occasional bursts of dramatic effort but on the whole was ducking out, what would you do?

Where was your own father?
It can help to think about your own childhood. Where was your dad? Did you miss his involvement in the heart of your life? Would it have helped your family -- or your parents' marriage -- if he had been more involved?

Robert Bly and others have written eloquently about the pain men feel over their own missing fathers. Facing that loss and hurt honestly can help you see the family you have made today in a new light.

You needed your own father. Your family needs you.

Get skilled as a parent
Involved parenthood means both doing tasks and sharing leadership. Fathers may be willing to do parenting jobs but leave the overall responsibility and decision-making up to their wives, who then feel the burden of solitary command.

Sharing responsibility and doing the tasks of parenting well requires great skill. I suggest that men approach the skills of fathering with respect, and take pride in their competence. There is great satisfaction in mastering something, whether it is throwing a spiral or helping a fourth-grader with homework. Parenting taps many traits of character that men have traditionally honored: endurance, guts, discipline, justice, penetrating clarity, and protection of those in need.

I suggest that you approach the field of parenting at least as seriously as you would a major new job. Study the tasks. Study children. Learn about your wife, your partner in this great endeavor. Find out how to be an excellent team player. Take initiative. Anticipate needs. Don't always wait for the wheel to squeak before you oil it. Be proactive and creative at home much like you would at work.

Do your homework. Read the books your wife keeps putting on the bedside table! If you are competitive, put that to the service of your family. How about becoming the best father you know?

Make the real gift this holiday season
This is a good season to reflect, appreciate blessings, offer heartfelt gifts, and make sincere resolutions for the future. Could you give the gift this year of really entering your family? It would make all the difference in the world. When all the wrapping paper is finally on the floor, and all the packages have been opened, there is one gift that remains, the best one of all: you.

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A Father's Story

My wife lives for our daughter and I am starting to wonder: when is it my turn? I feel like all that I am in my wife's eyes is a means to an end. I go out in the world like a cave man, bring home meat and drop it at her feet, she looks up and says "thanks honey," and goes back to the child. Oh, she'll ask me about work and all but her attention drifts and I can tell she is far away. I've been patient, I hung in there, especially for the first months, but it's been a long time now. When are we going to get back to normal? It's three months past Jessica's first birthday and we've had sex less than a dozen times since she was born. I love Jessica; she's great. But Joan and I still have to have our relationship. I'm starting to get mad at Jessica, though I know it's not her fault. I feel guilty for how how I feel.

There are gains and losses for both fathers and mothers in the arrival of their child. The summary below is a simplification and will not apply in all parts to all parents.

A normal process
Her baby is hugely important to most mothers. She has waited and suffered to bring her child into the world. Feeding, putting to sleep, play, even diaper changing all lead the mother to place great attention and energy in her child. Mothering a young child is exhausting and there is simply less to give others.

Additionally, there is a normal process of self-centeredness in which the mother's focus narrows to the child and mothering. Mother and child can merge to some extent and become a psychological unit. The rest of the world can feel like "other" in which people and events largely fall into three categories: they help, or they get in the way, or they are irrelevant.

A father usually feels a withdrawal of his wife's attention and energy after children. This loss is especially painful because during the long pregnancy his wife typically became even more important to him, bearing his hopes for the future much as she bore his child. He sees the discomfort and changes endured by his wife and feels deeply appreciative. The creation of a new life opens his heart and makes him vulnerable. Perhaps he feels (naively) that things will settle down after the birth so that he and his wife can return to their way of being together.

When his wife pulls away from him through involvement with his child, a father can feel hurt and angry. At a time he wants closeness, an important person has withdrawn. Who now will let him know he is special? Who will tell him that he matters in and of himself beyond his mere function of providing for mother and child?

We all have normal needs for attention and love. Mothers usually have those needs met by the cooing and attachment of their child, while fathers can be left out in the cold. These losses are typically aggravated by the natural drop in sexual desire experienced by his wife for many months before and after the birth.

Further, as the husband watches his wife baring her breast to feed the baby, as he smells the odors of infancy, as he lives again in the intimate setting of childhood, long-forgotten feelings toward his own mother may be re-awakened. Unconsciously, he may want the closeness with his wife that his son enjoys, but there is room for only one in that particular relationship: the child.

He loves his child incredibly, but as a moment to moment matter the child probably does not have the same centrality in his life that he or she has for his wife. The child is not flesh of his flesh, bone of his bone. His relationship to his wife is still a top priority in and of itself, not merely as a means to the end of caring for children. He (usually) didn't marry a mother; where did his wife go?

His child is indeed a rival for the attention, care, and touch of his wife. He can try to separate mother and baby, or withdraw to find other satisfactions in work or perhaps different relationships. Often he will go back and forth between these alternatives while feeling hurt, angry, and guilty. He may assert his needs openly, or resent his wife (and child) quietly, or repress the whole matter (though with 'leakage' from his unconscious).

The wife usually becomes aware of her husband's feelings in one way or another, which adds fuel to her normal fears that someone will try to separate her from her baby. As a result, she may tend to move even closer to the child and further from her husband.

So what's a father to do?

Understanding
There is actually a lot that you can do. First, you can step back and understand that you and your wife are part of an ancient, universal process that is biologically driven. It's not personal. This is mother nature's way: your wife's withdrawal from you gives her more resources to care for your child

Pride
You can take pride in your contributions and the sacrifices you make. Your wounds in relationship are badges of honor, the signs of your moral commitment to your child.

Take care of yourself
In healthy ways, look outside your relationship for other resources that feed you. But beware the tendency to find solace in a bottle, overwork, or an affair. Exercise, read, go to movies, deepen your spiritual life. What's kept me (relatively) sane is to go on a long hike with one of several male friends nearly every weekend. I get up early and am back around noon so I feel great and it doesn't impact the family too much. I also take about a week each year and go have an adventure with two other men. Of course, my wife has a right to the same amount of time for herself while I watch the kids.

The community of men
Turn to men for companionship and support, especially fathers. They have something unique to offer you. You stand in a long line of men reaching back to times when we sat around the fire next to our wives nuzzling our children while we stayed alert to noises in the darkness outside our circle of light.

Pay attention to your heart
Don't let the problems with your wife build up to the point that your heart feels barren. Blade by blade, the fertile green of our heart can wither and grow stony before we know it. Deal with things early.

Communication
It can make a huge difference to feel that your wife truly gets how it is for you. The facts may not change, but the way you experience them can change through communication. Find a good time to talk with your wife. If things get defensive or heated, perhaps you can write her a little note. It always helps to start the conversation with appreciation for all the effort she makes; you are not the only one who is making big sacrifices.

Operationalize your wants
Translate how you want your wife to be into practical terms. It is impotent to moan and groan without proposing effective alternatives.

Get help
Don't kid yourself: the arrival of children stresses many marriages past the point of no return. A.P.P.L.E. offers excellent support groups and low-fee counseling, and there are other resources in our community as well. I'm also happy to talk with you.

Enjoy the ride
You are participating in one of the great human dramas. As awful as it can be sometimes, you probably wouldn't miss it for the world!

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Empathy for a Father

Before we had kids, I felt like my husband and I really understood each other, but now it's almost like we live on separate continents . . . ?

With good reason, many mothers say they wish their partner sympathized more with their situation. But the other side of the coin is also often true: that a father wishes his partner understood HIM more. Since one of the best ways to receive more understanding and consideration is to give it - and since most of our columns focus on addressing the needs of mothers - let's take a moment to explore empathy for a father. For simplicity, we'll write as if we were addressing a mother, but a dad can certainly read this piece and see what parts fit for him. We'll draw on Rick's experience as a dad and our conversations with fathers to suggest how it may be for your partner to be a parent; this is a composite, a generalization, of a father that will not fit the partner of any woman in every way.

* Now I'm a dad -- As profoundly as you, he loves the child you have made together. He has many of the same feelings you do, like happiness when the baby first curls her tiny fingers around one of his own. Yet since he probably spends less time with children than you, it is quite possible that he feels less sure of his skills. Feeling awkward or inept is uncomfortable for many men and makes it hard to ask for help. Maybe he's asked you what he could do and been told he should already know. Maybe he's tried to dive in and help and then been told it's all wrong. He picks up your underlying attitude about his parenting skills, and the way many mothers talk to each other about their partners is quite disdainful. He may experience you squeezing him out of the parent role while complaining that he's not involved enough.

* Tugged in different directions -- He shows his love for his children and you in part by stepping up his efforts as a provider. Yet that tends to draw him into working longer hours when you wish he'd put more energy into your children and home. Unfortunately, his workplace almost certainly couldn't care less about the needs of his family, so he's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He's probably more engaged in child rearing and housework than his own father was. Nonetheless, if you are like most mothers, you'd still like more involvement and help, so he feels uneasy and resentful that he is not coming up to the standard of what you want in a partner.

* Married to a mother -- He is awed at your ability to make a baby and deeply grateful that you have enabled him to have a child. He probably appreciates your sacrifices more than he has been able to say.

He's also worried by any fatigue, depression, or other health problems that have developed since you became a mother. But when he offers well-meaning suggestions, like you getting more exercise or using more child care, there's a fair chance you get irritated, because you want empathy rather than problem solving, think his idea is impractical, or feel he's trying to make you give less to your kids. After a few rounds of this, maybe he stops trying to help you.

* Where did my wife go? -- He loves his child incredibly, but his relationship with you is still a priority in itself, not merely as a framework for raising children.

He feels keenly the loss of the attention, energy, affection, and love you have shifted from him to your child. It can easily seem to him that you regard him as little more than a means to your ends. One father said: I go out in the world like a caveman who brings home the meat. I drop it at her feet, she says "thanks" and goes back to our daughter. It's like I'm not in the room. And this shift in a mother's attention away from her partner is made painfully concrete by the disinterest many have in sex.

* Does my wife understand me? -- You cannot make your husband understand you, but you can try to understand him: that much is in your power. You could ask him about the description of a father just above. Or you could simply observe him for a while without any assumptions, wondering how it feels to be him deep down inside.

Since you give understanding to your children all day long, you might have "empathy fatigue." So it may take a conscious decision to bring understanding to your husband. But if you do, he will notice your interest and appreciate it and be more empathic with you as well. And when the two of you have a better idea of the feelings and wants of each other, you will be more able to solve problems together.

This column is offered freely to parent-related organizations. If you know of another newsletter that might like to carry it besides the one in which you are reading it now, please encourage that organization to contact Rick Hanson at the email address below. Or just email Rick with the contact info and he will approach the organization.

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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Getting a Father to Help More with the Baby

It's been three months since the baby was born, but my husband still holds her like she was made of nitroglycerine and gives her back to me as soon as he can. He avoids changing diapers by saying that he's no good at it because she always cries - no wonder, since he's a little rough and awkward - and heaven help us if I want him to walk her so I can get a little sleep. When I get irritated, he tries to joke it all away by saying things like, "Don't worry, I'll get more involved when she can throw a ball."

Ah, yes, we know the type! Many new fathers - not all, to be sure - love their children enormously . . . but from a safe distance. Studies have found that the average mother is working about twenty hours a week more than her partner is - doing one task or another - whether or not she's drawing a paycheck.

OK, so we all know that it's important for a dad to help with the baby. But how do you accomplish that, especially if his idea of childcare is putting her in a motorized swing while he watches Sportscenter?

Involve Him in the Pregnancy

Getting help from the father starts during your pregnancy. Since he's observing more from the outside, it's extra important to look for little, doable ways to strengthen his sense of connection with his child:

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Bring him to appointments with the OB-GYN - especially if you're having a sonogram.
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Talk about your hopes for family life. Make them concrete, imagining a typical day with a three-month-old, or when she's one or two years old.
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Ask about any concerns he has, like not knowing what to do with a little one. Reassure him that he'll be a great dad, that just like he's learned to be successful at his work he'll learn to be skillful with a baby.
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Discuss in advance his involvement in routine care of the baby. Walk through typical situations - like feeding, changing diapers, settling a fussy baby, or whose lap a squirmy toddler sits on in a restaurant or airplane (!) - and ask him what he plans to do.
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Be honest and realistic about the help you expect from him and what you want your roles to be. Explain the reasons why, in terms of the benefits to his child, to himself, to you, and to your marriage. Don't be afraid to make it a matter of principle, of simple fair play:
"Raising our precious child is just as important as bringing home a paycheck - maybe more so. If I'm doing dishes (or changing a diaper or reading a story or putting the baby to sleep or . . . ) why should you be watching TV?"
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Sometimes you've just got to assert yourself. Keep remembering that you're doing so for the sake of your child, and that fairness is on your side. Don't be afraid to be blunt, like: "How would you feel about someone at work who doesn't pull his weight? Or someone who promises to help but keeps avoiding it?"
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Ask third parties, such as your OB-GYN, birth educator, or trusted family friend to give him a "second opinion" about how important it will be to the baby (and to you and the marriage!) for him to be really involved and helpful.

Once the Baby Arrives

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Have confidence in his fundamental ability to be a parent. Hundreds of studies have shown that a father is just as able to parent with love and skill as a mother.
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Encourage him. Be supportive (though not patronizing) if he is learning a new skill or doing something uncomfortable. You could self-disclose about ways you, too, have occasionally felt a little klutzy.
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Acknowledge him. Admit it when his way worked even though it was different from yours, or when you learned something from him. Emphasize what you appreciate about his parenting rather than what you wish were different.
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Understand the whole picture before jumping in. Otherwise, you might make a mistake.
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Don't micro-manage. Don't be controlling, dogmatic, or self-righteous about small matters. That way, you'll be more credible when you discuss the big ones, and your partner will probably feel less defensive. If he puts an orange top and purple pants on the baby, maybe you should just smile to yourself and let it go.
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When you do offer suggestions, be respectful and specific. Give a positive idea of what he could do rather than what he should not do. Try to filter out any implicit criticisms or commands in what you say.
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It's alright for you to take the lead. He is probably entering a flow of activities that you've been managing, and he's just being a good team player when he asks you, the quarterback, what the play is. It's OK to tell him at the time what you'd like him to do. Later on, you could talk about similar situations in the future and figure out what he could do in them without you having to say anything.
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Arrange for him to have lots of experiences with the kids. Let him be the one who handles a fussy baby from start to finish or tries to get a toddler to eat some carrots. Direct the kids to him sometimes. Try to arrange for him to spend extended times alone with the children, such as an entire evening from dinner to bed, or better yet, a full day or two.
*
When there's a meeting with the pediatrician or a teacher, try to have your husband come, perhaps by emphasizing that the person wants to talk with both parents. In the meeting, try to have roughly half of the conversation be with the father. For example, if a doctor speaks mainly to you, shift your gaze to your partner, sending a nonverbal signal to the doctor to do the same. If the professional asks a question, encourage your husband to answer by looking at him and remaining silent, or simply smiling and asking, "What do you think?

Time Is on Your Side
Even if it's rocky during the first few years, most dads naturally become more involved as their kids get older - and yes, more able to catch a ball. Plus if you keep at it, and keep asking for what the baby and you and your marriage need, most men will respond. Maybe not perfectly or all the time, but usually with a steady improvement.

Plus the endless tasks of caring for a little one do diminish. Amazingly, there finally comes a time when you no longer have to change a single diaper. Really!

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

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