Translating Mom-Speak and Dad-Speak

In relationships, women generally tend to focus on feeling connected, while men are sensitive to status and dominance. For instance, a mother could think her husband will welcome her knowledge because he wants to come together with her in raising their children. Yet he could interpret her parenting tips as condescending or controlling. Similarly, in conversation, women emphasize the process of being together, concrete consequences for specific people, and feelings, while men tend to emphasize tasks and outcomes, impersonal perspectives, and information. Each gender style is valid, like it's valid to be Italian or Swedish. Skill with the other gender's style lets you shift gears effectively, depending on what's needed. It's completely alright - and often necessary! - to ask your partner to communicate with you in a way that's closer to what you need as a woman. For example, a man who is skillful at "mom-speak" can:

* Accept your feelings instead of trying to talk you out of them; hear you out instead of trying to solve the problem
* Ask questions about your thoughts and feelings; ask three or more questions in a row (and not "How am I doing?"!)
* Nod, smile, make eye contact, say "yeah" frequently, etc. to let you know he's with you; encourage you to say more; focus on the conversation going well more than any practical outcome
* Let himself be moved emotionally; express an empathic understanding; offer relevant self-disclosure
* Understand that your (often greater) expertise about the children is not a threat but an asset for him and the family; be confident enough in his own parenting to ask for suggestions or help
* Realize that you need to ask him questions about his schedule, whereabouts, or plans in order to coordinate with him, not to be bossy; recognize that you are not trying to control him
* Be willing to talk about problems instead of thinking they might reveal an embarrassing flaw; realize that raising a family means one trouble after another
* Recognize that you need to be able to talk about your children or marriage with close friends
* Above all, communicate that he cares about you and wants to stay connected

And a woman who is skillful "dad-speak" can:

* Pay attention to her husband's reactions to issues of power, dominance, and status; be careful about orders, put-downs, or ultimatums
* "Knock before entering" by asking him if this is a good time to talk (he should name another one if it isn't)
* Explain the principles, values, or goals that guide her thinking; be direct about what she wants
* Consider sometimes listening as one man would to another, with less of the chiming in and personal statements she might use with another woman
* Understand that he may not feel his passing thoughts are worth sharing, so his quiet does not necessarily mean that he is not listening; understand that he may regard personal questions as potentially intrusive, so his lack of inquiry into her world could be respectful rather than uncaring
* Realize that his detached verbal style does not mean he wants to distance himself from his wife
* Recognize that his debate-style challenges are to him fair play in an ongoing interaction, not a personal attack: more like a strong move to the hoop than walking off the court
* Be judicious in what she says about him or her family to others
* Above all, communicate respect for his autonomy; make it clear that she is simply trying to work together as equal partners in the best interests of the children

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Talking About Parental Values

Parents often work out their differences informally, but sometimes, you'd benefit from a process that's a little more structured.
Try to set aside time to talk about the values that guide your parenting, using the questions below. This should be an empathic exploration of how each of you feels rather than an attempt to change anyone's mind. Really try to understand how your partner came to feel the way he does, and encourage him to do the same.

How you approach being a parent:
What does it mean to you to be a parent?
If parenthood were pie divided into four slices‹direct child rearing, housework, coordinating with each other, and providing for the family‹how big is each slice for you?
How does your personality affect your parenting?
How has becoming a parent changed you as a person?

How you want to raise a child: What do you think are the most important things to give a child the age of our own?
From your own life experiences, what do you feel are important personal characteristics you'd like to see our child develop? What are the top three or four? Is there a number one?
There are three central aspects to parenting: nurturing, disciplining, and supporting learning and achievement. Is there one that's most important to you? If a parent can be high, medium, or low on each aspect, how do you think you should be?
What do you wish your mom had done differently? Your dad? How has that affected the kind of parent you want to be?
How did your parents work out their differences in parenting styles? How has that experience affected the ways that you approach working out differences with me?

Your values in action:
Do any of your values related to raising a family pull in different directions?
How do you feel you have been able to act consistently with your values as a parent? How do you feel you have not?
How do you feel you have become more skillful as a parent? How would you like to become more skillful in the future?

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Resolving Quarrels

Disagreements and grievances are normal in any relationship, whether it's between a mom and dad, or between two nations or peoples. All too often, though, they get out of hand, leading to hurt feelings, anger, and lashing out.
Your best chance of resolving a quarrel is to do the four things below, even if you just do them yourself. If your partner participates, all the better! But waiting for the other person to do the right thing only leads to gridlock - so your best bet is to take steps yourself, unilaterally if necessary, because that is the best way to evoke good behavior from the other person, take his issues with you off the table, and let you take your stand on the high moral ground.

1. Protect yourself - Anticipate situations in which you are likely to be let down by the other person, and try to avoid them by developing more support from elsewhere, like other moms. Eliminate abusive or inflammatory language by not using it yourself; instead, try to stay calm, be civil, and speak with good intent. Ask your partner to do the same, and if necessary, let him know that you will withdraw from the conversation if he speaks to you in a way that is out of line. Stop fights from escalating by agreeing in advance that either of you can call time out. And if there is any possibility of violent or threatening behavior, contact a therapist, woman's shelter, or the police.

2. Assert your needs - Get a reality check on the validity of your needs or issues by talking with people you trust who love and support you. Sort out any over-reactions on your part, and then get serious and determined about the legitimate needs that remain. Identify the specific behaviors from your partner that would address them - both his outward actions and his internal attitudes and intentions.
Then find ways to tell him what you want (while reminding yourself that what you want is legitimate!), such as in ordinary conversation, or by writing a note, leaving a message at work, talking in a neutral place like a restaurant, or involving a third party like a mutual friend, a minister, or a therapist. Stay on your topic and agree to address his issues later. Do not muddy the water by bringing in unrelated grievances, getting overly emotional, or overwhelming him with words. Be direct, succinct, matter of fact, and self-controlled.
Use genuine humor and warmth to lift the mood. Build on any positive moves he makes by being positive yourself and acknowledging progress toward getting what you want. State your understanding of how you each are saying things will be from now on; write them down if that's clarifying.

3. Extend the hand of reconciliation - The fastest, most direct way to get another person to behave better and be nicer is to find out what his complaints are and then do everything reasonable to make them go away. It's not easy, it's the road less travelled, but it's the way that works best of all.
Find out what you could do, concretely and specifically, that would make him feel better about the situations that bother him, or your life in general. Try to set aside your own reactions to answer three questions for yourself: In what ways am I at fault here and should make changes? Separate from being at fault, in what ways could I be more skillful? And separate from matters of fault or skill, how could I simply be more giving or gracious? Then take action steadfastly - with dignity and self-respect, with a sense of choosing to act rather than being forced into anything - to implement the answers to these questions.

4. Be compassionate - This one is listed last because it's probably the hardest one to do, but it's actually the most important of all. Everyone suffers in some way, and you can see the suffering inside another person any time you look - just like he or she can see it inside of you. He's hurting, and that pain is fuelling his quarrel with you.
By understanding his stresses, anxiety, frustrations, anger, and losses better, you will have more perspective on why he's acting the way he does, and you will be more able to work things out with him peacefully. Also, he will sense your good intentions, and that will draw more understanding and compassion out of him. We all live under the same roof - whether it's the one over your kitchen or it's the thin skin of blue sky covering our precious planet - and compassion for the difficult parts of everyone's life is the foundation of being able to live together.

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Asking for Empathy

My husband's good at solving problems, but I wish he listened better when I want to share how I'm feeling or talk about our relationship. Is there something I could ask him to do?

All of us could probably get better at empathy, but men in particular tend to be raised in our society to focus on facts and solutions rather than feelings and relationships. If approached with respect (and some empathy as well), many fathers welcome a gentle suggestion about what to actually do in order to be more empathic. One dad actually asked his partner to give him a list of questions to ask her, and this is what she came up with:

Can you say more about ____________?

What do you mean when you say _____________?

Can you give me an example?

How was it for you that ___________?

How did you react when he told you about _____________?

Could you say it in a different way so I can understand it?

How mad were you? (Or worried, hurt, alarmed, sad, etc.)

What was the most upsetting part? (The most irritating? The most worrisome?)

What do you wish would have happened instead?

What do you feel underneath all that?

Did you also feel hurt (or embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, etc.)?

What does ___________ remind you of?

How does the history of __________ affect how you feel about __________?

Deep down, what is really bothering you about ___________?

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Sharing the Load

What Load?
The amount of mental and physical work that comes with children is staggering. It ranges from figuring out what color to paint the new baby's bedroom while you're pregnant to -- eighteen years later -- helping him pack for college.

This work comes in three essential forms:

* Tasks -- These are all the specific things you do to raise a child and manage a home, such as walking a baby, washing clothes, settling a squabble between siblings, balancing a checkbook, arranging a playdate, making a living, or talking with a teacher.
* Stresses -- Besides your concrete actions, the work of raising a family includes the wear and tear on your mind and body. From the hormonal gyrations of pregnancy to the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence -- with just a few tantrums, trips to the emergency room, and questions about body-piercing in between -- parenthood as a package will be the most stressful experience of most people's lives.
* Responsibilities -- Children live in your heart and weigh on your mind. You worry about what to do with the latest ear infection, which school is best, or why your daughter's so-called friends seem so mean. The consequences of your decisions can be monumental: literally, the health and welfare of an innocent child. Yet the nature of parenting is learning on the fly, scrambling to deal with one weird situation after another that you've never seen before. No wonder you want a true partner, someone to bounce things off of, someone you can lean on from time to time, someone who takes it all as seriously as you do.

Who Carries It?
These days "the village it takes to raise a child" often looks like a ghost town, without the supportive networks of relatives and neighbors that helped families in past generations, the social context in which humans evolved to raise children over several million years. As a result, the work of making a family today falls mainly on the shoulders of just two people: mom and dad. (Or even worse, onto just one parent, a single mother or father.) That's already more than they are meant to carry, pushing them out of Condition Green into Condition Yellow even when they have a strong partnership. The best they can do is to find ways to swim skillfully upstream against the currents of modern life that push pervasively against the needs of their family.
And if either does less than his or her share, the other one is shoved toward Condition Red: more things to do, less sleep, more stress, less time to eat right, more health problems, more guilt over not keeping every single ball in the air every second, more loneliness, more dismay and resentment and anger. Compounding things, the parent who is dropping his or her end of the log may have the audacity to wonder, "Why don't we ever talk/go to the movies/make love any more?"
Many couples share the tasks, stresses, and responsibilities of making a family evenly and fairly, swimming upstream with tenacity, skill, and grace. But that's the exception. Unfortunately, the rule tilts mainly against mothers:

* Tasks -- The average mother works altogether fifteen to twenty hours more per week than the father of her children, whether she is drawing a paycheck or not. It's not hard to get there: an hour in the morning, an hour at night, a few hours on each weekend day . . . it adds up pretty fast.
* Stresses -- Tending to young children, hour after hour, is more stressful than most jobs, as shown by the fact that mothers who stay home generally have worse health than those who place their kids in child care and go off to the workplace. Therefore, if mom stays home while dad goes off to work, her day is usually more stressful than his, unless he does something like air traffic control or undercover police work.
Even if both parents spend about the same amount of time doing tasks, the mother typically does high-stress things that are emotionally charged, constantly interrupted, require juggling several balls at once, and deal with factors that are often outside her control such as a child's health. The father, on the other hand, often gets to do more peaceful tasks that he can schedule at will and carry to completion.
* Responsibilities -- It is striking that, for all the advances for women in the workplace over the past thirty years, little has changed at the "Board of Directors" level in most families: it is still usually mom, not dad, who does most of the worrying, planning, and problem-solving where the children are concerned. It's lonely at the top of the typical American family, particularly since there is rarely a community of supportive mothers who can fill some of the vacuum of leadership left by many fathers.

Sometimes a father will work sixty or seventy hours each week, including business travel, and then (in the best case) help as much as he can on evenings and weekends. The problem is that his job is like an elephant in the living room, crowding out his children or wife. Then everyone loses. Children grow up with a subtle sense of fatherlessness. The dad misses out on a special time that will never be repeated, trading it for career pushes that could be postponed a few years in most cases. The mom becomes a de facto single parent. And if this goes on for more than a year or so, some spouses may be able to maintain a deeply intimate marriage, working around the elephant, but frankly, we've never seen it.

Clear Facts
The issues around sharing the load are often so charged that the best place to begin is by clarifying the facts. Then you have a solid foundation for establishing clear principles and agreements.
If you and your partner disagree about the facts, we suggest that you simply track, for at least a few days and ideally for a week, who does what and for how much time. Just jot down each day how you each spent your time, compare notes, and (presumably) agree on the facts of that day. Obviously, if your partner suddenly becomes an angel once the spotlight is on, you can comment on that. You could also suggest continuing to track time for a month or two, which would have one of three outcomes, all of which are good: (A) you might discover that you've had a better partner than you thought, (B) his or her true colors would be revealed over time if he/she could not sustain the miraculous transformation, or (C) what started as an exercise in looking good could become a habit.
You could each also make note of the stresses you experienced that day as well as the sense of responsibility you felt for planning, worrying, and problem-solving.
At the end of the period, compare notes. Try to agree on what the basic facts are. If you can't, and the issues are significant, consider involving a third party as a kind of tie-breaker. For instance, A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks has counselors that can help you and your partner mediate disagreements about sharing the load and come up with practical solutions.

Clear Principles
At bottom, the issues of sharing the load are moral ones. Here are some of the central issues, raised as questions, with some answers as points of departure for you to come up with your own:

* What is in the best interests of my children? Among other things, it is to have parents who respect and support each other, and share equally the tasks, stresses, and responsibilities of raising a family. It is fine to do different things, such as he does the dishes while she reads the stories. But significant inequities poison the well of a family.
* What do I owe my partner? That my burdens are, in the main, no less than his or hers.
* Is raising children as important as making a living? No. It's more important. And generally harder.
* Will I act according to these values? It's not easy. But I need to try.

When your principles are clear, and when you can communicate them with dignity and gravity, you are much more likely to win the cooperation you yearn for from your partner. You are entitled to bring a moral seriousness to discussions of sharing the load, and to confront broken agreements for what they are, breaches of trust that erode the foundation of any important relationship.
Over the years, we have heard various objections to sharing the load fairly that we would like to anticipate and address. It's unfortunate, but when it comes to inequities, there is no way to avoid talking about views expressed mainly by fathers, thus the gendered nature of these sample conversations:

* I do more than my dad did -- That's wonderful honey. But so what? Unfairness is unfairness. Just like you did not marry my mother, I did not marry your father.
* You can't pin me down so much, things change -- If you had a colleague at work who said one thing but did another as often as you do at home, how would you feel and what would you do? You would probably feel let down and frustrated, and you would tell the person that there needed to be changes in the way he/she was acting. It's the same here.
* My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home -- Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine that, for twelve hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, I'm the one who should be heading for a bubble bath right now.
* I make the money, so you should handle the housework and kids -- I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money (or driving to work, etc.). I'm talking about what you do when you're not making money. It's not fair for me to keep working, pulling a "second shift," while you watch TV, read the paper, or fiddle with the Internet. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you were pounding away at your job? I bet you'd be resentful and eager for them to do their share . . . which is exactly how I feel. Beyond fairness, where are your principles? You wanted children and now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend.

Clear Agreements
Once you come together on basic principles, agreements about practical actions usually follow. It's pretty straightforward when you share a similar outlook. For example, it took a while when our kids were little, but we finally realized that we had to check in with each other about how we spent our time. We created a basic schedule that guided our week even if we never stuck to it perfectly. And we made some loose agreements about who would generally do what. We still became ticked off at each other sometimes, but we kept hammering away at our differences and resolved most of them over time. Many, many parents have done just the same.

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Parenting from the Same Page

It's Hard to Be on the Same Page . . .
One mother told us this story: "I feel that Angelina, our 5-year-old, should watch only an hour of TV per day. My husband mumbles "OK, honey,' but when I leave the house I come back to see her glued to the tube while he reads a book/pays bills/etc. And it's not just TV: I say no sweets, he says "just a couple." I say no spanking, he thinks a swat is OK. I say bed by 8,'but that means I've got to do it. I read books about parenting and he reads the sports pages. I'm afraid that we are confusing our daughter plus driving each other crazy."
This situation is really common. Parents often have very different values about how to raise children. The water gets muddied further with issues about power and who gets to be "right." And there isn't the cultural consensus that existed in times past when we raised our children in more homogeneous communities in which most people saw the world in pretty much the same way.

. . . But It's Important
Nonetheless, children get confused when their parents approach them in different ways. Kids then don't know who to believe, or they have to switch gears, depending on who they're dealing with. It's also more likely that your children will try to play you and your partner off against each other: "But dad said I could!"
Disagreements about childrearing also breed quarrels between parents. It is frustrating, disheartening, and maddening when your partner approaches what is to you the most important undertaking in your life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.
Minor differences in parenting style are OK. They help children prepare for the reality that teachers vary in their approaches, or one boss is strict while another is laid back. Therefore, we should not micro-manage our partner, or get dogmatic or self-righteous. But major differences are a problem.
To solve it, the first step is to pin down exactly what the differences are.

The Parenting Styles Assessment
Take a moment to fill out the questionnaire below about the parenting values and actions of yourself and your partner. Each of you may want to fill it out; either photocopy it or use different color pens. Skip questions that are irrelevant to your situation. Score each question in this way:
1 We mainly disagree
2 We somewhat disagree
3 We somewhat agree
4 We mainly agree

Values -- The importance of . . .
_______ . . . being sensitive and responsive to your children
_______ . . . respecting the wants of your children
_______ . . . preventing the discomfort or unhappiness of your children
_______ . . . promoting the optimal psychological development of your children
_______ . . . encouraging and accepting the emotional expression of your children
_______ . . . religious upbringing
_______ . . . personally interacting with your children
_______ . . . physical affection toward your children
_______ . . . being polite toward relatives
_______ . . . being polite toward adults in general
_______ . . . studying hard and doing well in school

Actions
_______ Where your children sleep
_______ Bedtimes
_______ How your children are put to bed
_______ How you deal with your children if they wake up at night
_______ How long to breastfeed
_______ How many sweets your children are allowed to eat
_______ How many snacks your children are allowed to eat
_______ Expectations for children's behavior at mealtimes
_______ How much TV or video your children are allowed to watch
_______ What sort of TV shows, videos, or movies your children are allowed to watch
_______ How much time your children are allowed to spend with Nintendo or computer games
_______ How much allowance to give
_______ How many toys to buy kids
_______ Use of swats or spanking for discipline
_______ Yelling at the kids when they misbehave
_______ Other consequences for misbehavior
_______ What to do when a child has a tantrum
_______ How to intervene when siblings quarrel with each other
_______ How to intervene when your child quarrels with each other child
_______ Other consequences for misbehavior
_______ What a parent should do if he or she has made a mistake with a child

Add up your total score. There are thirty-two questions altogether. (If you skipped some questions, just adjust the ranges below downwards.) Here is a rough estimate of the degree to which you and your partner parent from the same page:
100 - 128 You and your partner are raising your children in a very consistent way.
70 - 99 You and your partner agree more than you disagree. But there could be some significant disagreements.
50 - 69 You and your partner have major differences in how you approach childrearing.
Below 50 You and your partner are parenting from different books.

Now What??!
If there were major differences between you and your partner in the questionnaire above, try not to be discouraged: some differences are normal, and you can probably work them out.
For starters, take a look back over the previous six issues of The Family News, which contained our suggestions about how to communicate and negotiate effectively with your partner. (Please contact A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks if you need back issues, at 415/492-0720.)

Begin with Values
The way we parent is shaped by how we think we ought to parent. So that's where a mother and father should begin to come together.
Some differences in nuance or prioritization of values are inevitable, but serious conflicts in values confuse children and create marital conflicts. Thankfully, your discussion of values can be more based on facts than could be the discussions your own parents -- let alone grandparents -- had, because in the past thirty years, there has been a lot of really excellent research on child development and parenting.
The super-brief summary of those scientific studies is that optimal child development is promoted by:

* Highly loving, affectionate, and nurturing parenting
* Sensitive and rapid responsiveness to the wants of children, especially young ones
* An emotional atmosphere in the home that is generally positive
* Expectations for age-appropriate behavior by children (many parenting books or your pediatrician can describe what is age-appropriate)
* Expectations that a child achieve academically up to his potential
* Active discussion and modeling by parents of good moral values
* Clear standards for behavior
* Consistent rewards for good behavior and penalties for poor behavior
* The absence of harsh, erratic, physically or emotionally abusive parenting practices

Armed with these facts, we suggest these steps for resolving any differences in parenting values:
#1 Acknowledge where you already agree about parenting values.
#2 Define clearly where you disagree or are not sure you agree. Say back to each other what you think the other person's values are in the areas where you disagree.
#3 See if you can agree on the list of facts about parenting above, or a similar list from another source such as Berry Brazelton or Penelope Leach. (We suggest you be leery of sources who seem to have a political axe to grind or who do not cite research studies.) See if agreement on the facts of childrearing can narrow your disagreement.
#4 Discuss, with empathy and respect, the childhood or life experiences that have shaped your values in these areas of disagreement. For example, you could explore the worldview that, perhaps, leads one parent to want to "toughen up" the children while the other one sees a world that is safe enough for less of an armored personality. Use that conversation to find where you might actually have common ground, rather than a disagreement.
#5 Discuss if it's possible to accept whatever differences in values remain:

* Your different values might be complementary to each other, rather than in conflict: for instance, a value on being nurturing also supports the value of independence by giving children the sense of a safe base from which they can explore.
* Different values can often coexist, even if one parent puts a higher priority on some than the other parent does. Would it work for one of you to be more the representative of a value in your family than the other parent? For example, in our family, Rick puts a little higher value on orderliness than does Jan, while she puts more of a value than he does on the kids not eating much sugar. We don't sabotage each other, although we each privately think the other one goes a little too far!

#6 Discuss if you can make some kind of deal in which one person's value rules in one area of your family, while the other person's value governs in another area. Hypothetically, you could agree to support your partner in prodding the kids to work hard in school if he agrees to lighten up about the way the house looks.
#7 If, after these steps, significant conflicts in values remain, consider using a third party as a kind of referee or "tie-breaker." A.P.P.L.E. FamilyWorks has a good counseling center, and there are plenty of other therapists around as well.

Finish with Actions
Now that you have clarified and narrowed any differences about values, you can tackle differences about parenting practices. The steps are similar, so we'll describe them more briefly:
#1 Acknowledge all the ways you are already parenting consistently.
#2 Define clearly where you are (or would like to) parent in different ways. Pin down the disagreement: rather than saying, "You're totally permissive about sweets," say "I'm willing for the kids to have dessert at dinner but you're willing for them to snack in the afternoon, too." Say back to each other what you think the other person's position is to make sure it is understood.
#3 Discuss with your partner how your views about how parents should act are linked to your values. With empathy and respect, try to explore any apparent inconsistencies -- especially within yourself! -- between actions and values. See if this discussion can narrow your disagreement.
#4 Discuss, with empathy and respect, the childhood or life experiences that you associate to the parenting practices that you differ on. These can add emotional intensity to disagreements, and cloud your perceptions and thinking.
#5 Discuss if it's possible to accept whatever differences in practices remain:

* Your different practices might be complementary to each other, rather than in conflict.
* Different practices can often coexist. For example, it's not the end of the world if the kids know that one parent is a softer touch than the other one when it comes to some extra pocket money.
* Put the different practices in perspective: Are they that big a deal? Are they worth straining your marriage? Are they harming your kids?

#6 Discuss if you can make some kind of deal in which you accept a practice of your partner if he will go along with one of yours.
#7 If, after these steps, significant conflicts in practices remain, consider using a third party as a kind of referee or "tie-breaker." Besides using a therapist, you and your partner could read a book such as Positive Discipline or Raising Your Spirited Child, and mark where you disagree with the book; the remaining, unmarked parts become the standards to which you agree.

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Parents Are Negotiators

Through our professional experiences and personal lessons, we've found that a cooperative parental partnership has three key qualities: communication, negotiation, and effective problem-solving.

Past columns have explored communication, including civil and empathic ways of speaking, how to give emotional support, and being open and direct. In the next few columns, we will present effective ways to bridge disagreements, create workable compromises, establish accountability, and follow through on promises -- in short, how two parents can negotiate well with each other.

The Bad News
Parents need to learn how to negotiate for a simple reason: The average couple has eight times as many arguments after children arrive. As the conflicts and disappointments mount up, trust is replaced by doubt and guardedness. You once stood at the altar thinking you could place your life in your partner's hands. Now you can find yourself eyeing him or her as an unreliable character who must be cajoled or corralled into reasonable and helpful behavior. And there's a fair chance that's how your partner is looking at you.

Issues related to parenting last as long as kids do, so if they are not resolved, the same quarrel happens over and over, and the issue becomes sensitized. It's like running your fingernail over the same spot on the back of your hand: the first twenty times do not make much difference, but by the hundredth, there's a red welt and you want to jerk your hand away when the fingernail approaches. Relatively minor provocations then trigger major reactions, like a light bump to your hand that now really hurts.

Over time, positions harden. Since our partner is more defended, we figure we better bring the heavy artillery, which leads to thicker walls. Mistrust grows in vicious cycles. The fights get even worse.

The Good News
Happily, there are many effective ways to work out disagreements with your partner. In sum, here are nine effective steps:

1. Know what is wanted.
2: Be realistic.
3: Establish a favorable foundation.
4: Communicate wants.
5: Respect feelings.
6: Negotiate details.
7: Make commitments.
8: Address departures from your plan.
9: Revise as needed

Many excellent books have been written about negotiating in general (ie. Getting to Yes by Ury and Fisher) or for parents in particular (ie. Why Parents Disgree and What You Can Do About It by Taffel). In this limited space, we can best offer a brief summary.

Know What Is Wanted
All negotiating is about wants -- the territory of desires, goals, wishes, aims, purposes, values.

In order to get what you want, you need to know what it is. In order to support your partner, you need to know what he or she wants
Our wants are usually layered, like a parfait, with less important and fleeting desires on top and vital and enduring ones underneath. The deeper down you and your partner can get, the more satisfying and stable the resolution of your discussions will be.

We often have conflicting wants. Ambivalence is the normal state of affairs. We must balance our wants, and thus must think about how much we care about one desire compared to another.

It is very helpful to give specific examples of how things will be if you get what you want. Your partner now knows concretely what to do, and you will know if it gets done.

Have a fall-back position: what will you do if the other person does not do what you want or agree to some reasonable compromise?

Be Realistic
The deepest wants sometimes arise from a very young place within us, and are unfortunately unattainable today. We should be compassionate toward them, but realistic.

Is a want really attainable? Even if it could be fulfilled, is that wise? What will it take, what are the costs to fulfill it? Will fulfilling it lead to any negative consequences?

Establish a Favorable Foundation
If possible, try to create a context of mutual rapport, empathy, and good wishes before communicating any wants.

Choose a good time and place for the communication and negotiation of your wants. Be prepared to take the time necessary, rather than tossing off requests or demands as you rush on by.

Ask for your partner's time and attention: 'knock before entering.' Remember how you feel when people barge in and start telling you what they want.

If their attention seems to wander, ask what can be done to keep the focus on your conversation. If necessary, agree on a later time to talk, and stick to it.

Communicate Wants
Allow your wants to be known openly and explicitly. Many of us feel it is dangerous or pushy for others to know what we really want, or that they should figure it out on their own. Or we think that they already know what we want so it is not necessary to actually say it point-blank. Certainly it is not necessary to spell out every tiny detail like a legal contract. Yet if you do not clearly and verbally tell the other person what you want, how can you expect them reliably to fulfill their part?

Everything does not need to be crystal clear before discussing what you want. It's alright to say something like: 'I think we ought to do this but I'm not 100% convinced; what do you think?' Or: 'I feel like we need to go in this direction but I'm not sure how to get there; do you have any ideas?'

Be emotionally authentic. If you are nervous or irritated, it is usually best to find some appropriate way to communicate that because the other person will probably sense that something unsaid is going on. For example: 'I'm a little nervous about bringing this up, but I don't think our childcare is working out.' Or: 'I'm getting frustrated that you still have not gotten those boxes out of the family room.'

Double-check: What does your partner think you want? What do you think your partner wants?

Identify any differences between the wants of you and your partner. Differences can be scary, and we often try to sweep them under the rug in the hope that they will go away. Yet they rarely do. Try to get things out into the open and ask questions you might be afraid to ask.


Respect Feelings
Communicating wants often brings up feelings, some of which can go all the way back to our childhood. If these feelings are not acknowledged, at least to yourself, they will muddy the waters.

Positive emotions are good, but authenticity is (usually) better. If we feel angry or scared inside, but are wearing a happy face, that is a mixed message which feels bad to us and probably confuses the other person.

Negotiate Details
Exchanges are at the heart of all relationships. People contribute to us because they care, but they continue to care about us because we continue to contribute to them.

Sometimes people think that if they make exchanges explicit, that takes out the magic: 'Oh, they're doing this just because they have to.' Yet aren't you generally pleased to give someone you care about what they want, when you know what it is? Why should other people be any different?

It is extremely effective to help the other person give you what you would like to receive: What could I do that would enable you to give me what I'm asking for?'

Anticipate potential problems. It does not put a hex on things to explore how they might go awry.

Make Commitments
Establish a clear understanding of what you and your partner are going to do.

Establish accountabilities: Who is going to do what?
Check your gut feeling. Do you really feel like this is going to happen? Or are people kidding themselves?

Identify times and/or occasions for checking back in. For example: 'Let's try this for a month and if it's not working for you, we can make some changes.'

Close at a human level. In some natural way, thank your partner for talking with you, being willing to take the time to work things out, etc.

Address Departures from Your Plan
It is obviously important for people to keep their commitments. Doing so is the basis of trust in any relationship.

Nonetheless, no person manages to keep all of his or her agreements. When this happens, it is important to acknowledge that and restore trust.

If you do not do what you say you will do, if possible bring up the matter yourself. Say if this was a momentary lapse which does not reflect your true intentions. Or explain that you feel there is something seriously unworkable with the agreements and they should be revised.

If it is your partner who departs from the plan, talk about it openly. Silence on your part can be taken as tacit approval. Plus, you need to know what is going on. Maybe you misunderstood something and he or she has actually been doing what you wanted. Perhaps there was an ambiguity in the original arrangements.

Or was it a true breakdown in agreement? If so, was it just a temporary lapse? Or do you need to re-negotiate your agreements?

Try to find out the beliefs, emotions, decisions, etc. that led to the breakdown. If appropriate, check out your tentative conclusions.

Even though it can be uncomfortable for you and your partner, if you do not talk about misunderstandings and broken agreements, they will happen again.

Revise As Needed
Plans change. When they do, create a new agreement. Ask yourself once again: Do I really feel that this is going to work?

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