5 Keys to Settling Marital Conflict

I'm sick of fighting! Enrico and I love each other, but wow do we argue, especially since having children. Help!

No doubt about it, marital squabbles and even ugly fights usually increase after children come along. The causes are painfully familiar to us all: sleep deprivation, little time for oneself, feeling let down, vicious cycles of finger-pointing, the in-laws, etc. etc. We certainly fought more frequently and intensely after having kids than ever before.

To solve these problems - and maintain an intact family in which to raise precious children - we've found five key methods. They're not glib, they're not a TV sound bite, but they're the real deal. Try them yourself - and see if you can get your spouse to go along.

Here they are:

# Personal Well-Being - By taking better care of yourself, you'll be able to take better care of your partner, and have a cooler, clearer head in quarrels. This means really doing the fundamentals: protein with every meal, good vitamin supplements (please see our book if you have any questions), sleep as an extremely high priority, personal stress relief practices, and the support of good friends and family.

# The 80-20 Rule - Put 80% of your energy into how you can be a better mate, and just 20% on how he/she could be less of a jerk. You have little power to change your partner, but great power to change yourself. Take maximum personal responsibility for whatever is true in your partner's complaints, and then unilaterally make appropriate changes. That will make you feel good about yourself, give you the best odds of getting better behavior from your mate, and put you on the high moral ground.

# Empathy - Try to get inside your partner's skin, sensing the being behind the words - and ask firmly for the same. Isn't that why you married each other, that you felt deeply known and listened to? Being empathic doesn't mean you agree or approve or let someone off the hook, just that you understand. And when you understand, you're more able to address what's really at stake for the other person. And when you feel understood, you're more willing to get to the heart of the matter and make peace.

# Solutions Focus - Go after what would make things better from now on rather than argue about the past. Be honest with yourself: what are you up to, making a case for why you're right, or making things better in your relationship? Pick a topic and stick with it without jumping around. Then make realistic agreements, keep them, and move on.

# Loving At Will - Life is hard for all of us, and we all suffer in a variety of ways, so each of us is called to bring compassion and loving kindness to other people - even the person we're married to! This both makes us quietly happy and helps the world be a better place. While love may not be top of mind in the midst of a nutty day, any one of us can use the will to reach down inside and pull up a little love. Giving it ennobles us, lifts our own heart, brings dignity and self-respect . . . and often kindles a fire of love in return.

We wish you the best!

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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What Mom Can Do for Dad

I've been thinking more about my husband's needs lately, and wondering what I might be able to do for him, even while swamped with kids, laundry, and all the rest. Any suggestions?

When kids come along, a mom and dad have to work harder than ever. Naturally, they each get stressed and depleted. And that means they need more from each than ever!

A previous column suggested practical ways Dad could help Mom (it's on our website if you want to see it: www.NurtureMom.com). And here's a similar list of what Mom could do for Dad. Rather than playing it safe with a generic, gender-free list - like be more supportive or less critical - we thought we'd take a chance and try to capture some of the common, "him and her" textures in many relationships.

For many of these, we'll mention how often she could do them; feel free to adjust those suggestions to your own situation. Of course, if something doesn't fit for you or your mate, just move on the next item. And more than anything else, we hope you come up with your own lists: both what you'd like to receive and what you recognize your partner would like you to give.

[ ]Have confidence in his fundamental ability to be a parent. Hundreds of studies have shown that a father is just as able to parent with love and skill as a mother. For example, when babies cry, the typical father gets just as upset inside as his wife does, and just as relieved when the baby settles.

[ ] Encourage him. Be encouraging (though not patronizing) if he is learning a new skill or doing something uncomfortable. Suppose he feels awkward holding a little baby: you can reassure him that he's doing fine, that everybody feels a little funny at first, that he is getting better and better at it. You could self-disclose about ways you, too, have felt a little klutzy.

[ ] Acknowledge him. Try to admit it when his way worked even though it was different from yours, or when you learned something from him. Emphasize what you appreciate about his parenting rather than what you wish were different.

[ ] Understand the whole picture before jumping in. Be aware of how your emotions, beliefs, or previous experiences can make a situation look worse than it really is. And try to get the full story before you react; otherwise, you might make a mistake. A father once told Jan: Our five-year-old son, Pete, whines and gets upset real easily. If we roughhouse, he gets mad over almost nothing, and then my wife, Joanie, comes in and yells at me. We were playing basketball in the backyard one day, and I was letting him win and he was happy. Then he missed a shot, and I got the ball for my turn. But he wanted the ball. I explained it was my turn but he started to cry. Joanie heard him and ran outside, glared at me, and said really nastily, "Can't you ever play without making him cry??!" But I didn't do anything! First she tells me I don't do enough with him and then she's mad at me when I do. She's always watching, ready to pounce for the least thing.

[ ] Don't micro-manage. Try not to be controlling, dogmatic, or self-righteous about small matters. That way, you'll be more credible when you discuss the big ones, and your partner will probably feel less defensive. Many disputes about parenting are inherently minor: If he puts an orange top and purple pants on your preschooler, maybe you should just smile to yourself and let it go. Every time you argue with him about how he parents has an emotional cost for each of you, plus it discourages his involvement; sometimes the issue is worth the price, but often it's not.

[ ] Be respectful. When you do offer suggestions, be respectful and specific. Give a positive idea of what he could do rather than what he should not do, like saying It's been working for me to change Emma's diaper with that little music box going instead of This time, try not to make her cry. If you can, filter out any implicit criticisms or commands in what you say.

[ ] It's alright for you to take the lead. Unless you and your husband truly share all aspects of parenting, it is natural for you to have a leadership role sometimes when it comes to the kids. He is probably entering a flow of activities that you've been managing, and he is just being a good team player when he asks you, the quarterback, what the play is. We suggest that you tell him at the time what you'd like him to do. Later on, if you like, you could talk together about similar situations in the future and figure out what he could do in them without you having to say anything.

[ ] Initiate romantic and erotic contact. Remember that romance and sex are important, even profound ways to feel loved and to improve well-being for each of you. Rather than waiting for him to take the first step, you could ask him out, or be the one to say first that maybe you could make love tonight.

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Issues with Relatives

I've got hassles with my extended family. My husband's parents were pretty strict, so that's his inclination, but I'm trying to raise our children in more of an attachment parenting kind of way. So I get a lot of unwanted advice and comments about me "spoiling" our kids, etc.

Oh dear!
When children come along, relatives can be an incredible blessing or something of a curse - and sometimes both at the same time. Happily, there are lots of ways to keep things on a good footing with the relatives.

Have confidence - Remember that you and your husband have the final say about how you'll raise your children. The bottom-line is that you can limit access to your child if you have to - which is a big threat to most relatives. Similarly, if need be, you can get off the phone quickly, change the subject if a conversation gets awkward, keep visits short, or intervene in an interaction between your child and a relative that's starting to go off the rails.

Be open-minded - Who knows: maybe they know something after all. You can listen without committing yourself, without giving away your right to do something different. You could try something new with a child and see if it works; if you think of it as simply an experiment, it won't seem so serious or tense. Hey, if it works, you'd want to know that, and if it doesn't, then you can say you tried it.

Become knowledgeable about parenting - Knowing the facts behind optimal parenting practices will put you on solid ground if there's a disagreement with your partner or his family. Rather than getting into a wrangle in which it's your opinion against their, you can calmly mention that researchers have established XYZ facts - which are the basis for your parenting style - and then move on to another topic.

Stick up for your child - and yourself - Definitely do not let relatives treat your children in any way that crosses a significant line. For example, if you were spanked as a child but you don't want that happening with your toddler, make that known to any relatives who are babysitting.
With your mate, it could help to establish some groundrules for how you'll deal with the relatives. Like agreeing to never bad-mouth each other. Or promising not to make firm commitments - from new parenting practices to holiday visits - without consulting each other first.

How to make family visits work
There's an old saying that fences make for good neighbors. Boundaries help people stay connected.
So, if need be, it's alright to put a time limit on visits. You can always find a face-saving explanation. For example, if the in-laws are coming over for the afternoon, you can let them know that you're going to have to leave the house at 6 pm for some kind of meeting. Or let's say you are traveling to visit your husband's family, but you're concerned about it all getting a little overwhelming: set up your own transportation so you can get out of the house, arrange in advance for activities that will give you some breathing room (like a trip with the kids to a local attraction), and make sure you have a private room you can slip away to. Sometimes, staying in a motel nearby makes for the happiest visits.

How to get through an awkward situation
If things start getting tense:

* Try to stay calm and civil. Help yourself by imagining that a camera is recording you and will be played back later for all to see. Remember that how you conduct yourself can muddy the waters and undermine the high moral ground where you want to take your stand.
* Establish that differences are OK, that there are lots of ways to raise healthy happy productive children. You might say something like: "Sure, you may be right, I know lots of people have raised their children that way. It's that Bob and I have decided to do it a little differently."
* Narrow the issue. For example, rather than getting into a big debate about discipline, wayward youth today, and on and on, just say: "Oh, Bob and I certainly believe in discipline, in raising respectful well-behaved kids. It's simply that we're confident we can accomplish that without spanking them."
* Affirm your desire and intention to support your children in having a good, long relationship with their relatives.

Keep a sense of perspective - Keep in mind the big stakes on the table: a cordial relationship with the relatives that lasts for years and years - so try not to get upset, rigid, or argumentative about small issues. Let's say that it really matters to Grandma to get a hug, even though she smells funny to your two-year old daughter. Maybe it's alright to do everything within your power - including promising her a chocolate cake! - if she'll put up with that hug.
Think of encounters with the relatives as visits to another culture or country: local customs prevail, and it's usually not a big deal to observe them for a little while. Take the long view: most upsets with relatives work themselves out over time; often, a few years later, no one can remember exactly what everybody was so hot and bothered about!

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Getting More Help From Your Partner

I did all the organizing for our son's second birthday, hoping that Bob would help out during the party itself. But no, he spent the whole time talking with his buddies while I raced around doing everything, except for when he cut the cake and then looked at me like he deserved some kind of reward! I want someone who doesn't need me to stamp my feet to get some help, who takes initiative with the kids and the house, whose mind is not elsewhere all the time. Somebody who does things because he wants to do his share, not just to get me off his back. I need to really feel like I have another half.

Some couples are equal partners in the work of making a family. But that's the exception, since many studies have found that the average mother is on-task, working away at one thing or another, about twenty hours a week MORE than her partner is, whether or not she is drawing a paycheck. And if she has no partner, in most cases just about all of the work of raising children falls to her alone.
If you are one the many mothers who would like more help from the father of your children, we suggest you do two things:

* Establish the facts of who is doing what - One good way is to keep a fair record several days or a week of how each of you spends your time (keep it simple, and don't take more than five minutes a day to track your time); facts are facts!
* Communicate your principles as to why it's fair and good for the children, you - and him - for the total workload that comes with children to be shared more equally.

Here are examples of principled responses to various objections we've heard fathers make to carrying more of the total load; please adapt them to your own needs and voice:

* He says: "I'm not as good at it as you are. Plus the kids go to you anyway."
You say: "Like anything, you just need to practice a little. The kids will get used to you doing certain things, and I'll direct them to you more. Plus you could initiate and not wait for the kids to come to me. Additionally, even if I'm the one who always washes their hair, you could still help more by reading to them or cleaning up the kitchen."
* He says: "You always interfere, and I've quit trying."
You say: "I don't always interfere, but I do sometimes. I'm trying to help, anyway, not interfere, but I can understand that you feel crowded, so I'll promise to back off."
* He says: "You just want someone to do things for you."
You say: "Nope, I want you to do things with me. It's not just about getting stuff done. When you do your part, it makes me feel connected to you, like I'm not alone and we're in this together. I made a baby with you and I would love for us to share that experience in a happy way together."
* He says: "I do more than my dad did."
You say: "That's great, and I appreciate it. But there is still more to do if we're going to be fair about it."
* He says: "That's woman's work."
You say: "There is no law that says so. You did dishes before you met me, and it wasn't women's work then. I don't think you take it easy while I wash clothes or give the kids a bath out of high moral principle, but simply because that's your personal preference. You're just as capable as I am of putting a child to sleep or feeding a toddler."
* He says: "My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home."
You say: "Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine doing that for many hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, in fairness I deserve rest at least as much as you."
* He says: "Making a living counts for more than raising children."
You say: "I believe that it's the other way around. Child rearing counts for more since it so directly impacts our precious children. And it's usually harder, day after day. I am not setting child rearing above making a living. But it is at least equal."
* He says: "I make all the money, so you should handle the housework and kids."
You say: "I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money. I'm talking about what you do when you're not commuting or at work. You wanted children and now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend. Speaking personally, it does not feel fair for me to keep on going while you watch TV or go out with your friends. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you kept getting things done? Would you feel resentful? Would you be eager for them to do their share?"
* He says: "I make more money than you."
You say: "I appreciate all the money you bring into our family. But that does not change what is good for our children and our relationship when we are both at home in the mornings, evenings, and weekends." (And follow with the points just above.)
* He says: "It's because you're working that the kids need so much and there's so much housework."
You say: "I think that's hitting below the belt. If I didn't work, our kids would still need you to help out in the evenings and weekends. We need my salary, and even if we didn't, I have as much right to work as you. Besides, we could just as well turn the point against you: The kids wouldn't need so much if you, their father, stayed home. In fairness, the hard choices between career and time with children should fall just as much on a father as a mother. We both work, we both need to parent, and we both need to do housework."
* He says: "Quit telling me what to do."
You say: "I don't want to tell you what to do. Usually I try not to. And if I ever do, it's because you won't make a reasonable agreement with me about who does what-or you make one but don't stick with it. I'm the messenger of what our kids or home needs, so please don't be angry at me for just bringing the message. If you saw what needed doing in the first place, I wouldn't have to bring a message at all. Besides, why is it fair for you to tell me what to do about the car or computer or mutual fund or whatever but I can't tell you anything about what to put in a lunchbox?"
* He says: "Get off my back, or else."
You say: "I'd be glad to talk about this when you're calmer. But I'm going to ask: What's the "or else"? Are you really going to hit me or walk out on your kids because I'm tired of picking your socks off the floor? Because I'd appreciate it if you'd get home sooner? Your kids need you to be more involved, I need it, and our marriage does, too."

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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Making Time for Your Relationship

With two kids and two jobs, Doug and I never seem to have any time to be together just the two of us. You're busier than ever, the days blur by, and then you look up and there's your husband, and you realize that it's been weeks, literally weeks, since you've done anything pleasant together. When we do get some time, it's great and there's a little glow in our relationship that lasts a couple days. We keep saying we have to do that more often. But it's really hard.

During periods of intense demands - such as the first months after birth, while an infant is colicky, or when either of you is sick or flat out exhausted - it's normal for a couple to have less time for each other. But over the long run, we have to keep investing in an intimate friendship if we want to continue to have one. You can't put a partner in the freezer for a few years and then pop him or her in the microwave and expect everything to be warm and tasty between you again.

# Time together for conversation, doing fun things together, sweet moments, and affection is the foundation of a strong and enduring love. Here are some suggestions for busy parents: Do tasks together.
# Understandably, parents often divide their tasks in order to conquer them. But when you're both cleaning up after dinner or bathing a child, it's easier and more fun. Additionally, look for chances to connect even while you're getting things done, like comfortably touching shoulders at the sink, shared glances of amusement at a child's play with a stuffed animal, rubbing a partner's foot as he or she reads a story, friendly conversation in the car while running errands, holding hands as you walk your child into daycare, and so on. Create family fun.
# You can also do more family activities that are fun and connecting for mom and dad, not just the kids, such as roughhousing together, making music, playing hide and seek or board games, making cookies, or planting flowers. Make time for pillow talk.
# Arranging to go to bed at the same time gives you more private moments for talking and snuggling, but that's hard for many parents. Yet the difference in bedtimes is usually small enough that it's easy to bridge with a gracious compromise. You could split the difference: if he's the night-owl, he might come to bed a half hour sooner while you stay up for half an hour. Or maybe he could get the kids going in the morning, giving you more time to sleep so you can go to bed later with him. Or he might come to bed with you, talk and cuddle for awhile, and then go back out to the living room. Establish daily routines.
# Try to build time for just the two of you into the normal rhythm of your day. Tell the kids to leave you alone - perhaps after setting them up with an activity - and make the rule stick; soon enough, almost any child past two will come to respect it. Some couples have a cup of tea or glass of wine together when they're both home from work. You could arrange for the kids to eat early so you can have a peaceful dinner with each other. Firm bedtimes will give you time to yourselves in the evening. Or pay an older child to play with your younger ones for a few hours over the weekend while you hang out together in another part of your home; a friendly ten-year-old is a preschooler's dream playmate! Schedule regular date nights.
# By the time most infants are six months old (and for some, it's sooner), they can handle their parents going off for an hour or two in the evening. At this point, try to schedule a "date night" for at least once a month, and maybe even weekly. The first time or two, let yourself be as careful or nervous as you like: call home every fifteen minutes, carry a pager, leave the movie early because you can't stand being away from your baby, whatever - we've been there! But soon it will feel very natural, and the kids will see it as simply part of the weekly routine, even if they howl for a few minutes after your car pulls out of the driveway. Let good moments last.
As much as you both want things to be good between you, it's striking how hard it can be to let the nice moments last. For example, it might seem like a part of you doesn't want to give way to strong feelings of liking or love. Perhaps you fear that would imply you're letting him off the hook for the ways you feel he's let you down. Maybe you're afraid to melt, afraid to let yearnings for love and support stir within you, unwilling to chance being hurt one more time.

Instead, try to take the moment for what it is: it doesn't negate the past or de-legitimize anyone's grievances, nor does it mean you've agreed to anything from now on. These minutes together are like beads on your life's necklace: will they be pearls, or something plain or painful? You can help them be good by stretching yourself to be present when you feel far away, nice when you're irritable, open rather than guarded. Try to locate in him that which calls forth warmth and fondness in you. When he offers something positive, try to build on it rather than letting it hit the ground with a thud. Protecting these moments makes a sanctuary for your love, giving it room to live - and grow.

Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin.

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